Au Revoir, Mes Amis

In just about 24 hours I'll be in a plane bound for Europe. It's a much-needed trip to get away for awhile.
I've had all this free time to work and be creative lately, but my head has been too full of drama from the past to really be able to let go and let my creative side take over. I hate having all this free time and not putting it to good use writing! I have let my creative side out a bit with painting and refurbishing furniture. I've redone 5 tables in the past 3 weeks. I think my neighbors will strangle me if they hear me fire up my orbital sander one more time. I've loved doing something creative and different from my usual routine. It's good to exercise the design and aesthetic muscle from time to time. I've been trying my hand at sewing again as well. (I'm taking several small crafting projects with me to Europe to give to an orphanage.) I think it's in everyone's best interest if I put the sewing machine away and stop watching "Project Runway." I can't sew a straight line to save my life.
But back to Europe, and all that chocolate and cheese that's just waiting for me! I've lost 30 lbs since January 1. And I don't care if I put back on every single pound by eating chocolate, cheese, and pasta. Did I mention I'm headed to France and Italy? Yeah. Good food awaits!
And so does creative freedom. This trip is coming at just the right time for me to shake off the past, clear my head, and reboot life a little bit better. Time for a new outlook. Time for new Italian shoes. Time to visit with old friends and make some new ones. And time to twirl in the Alps and put my toes in the Mediterranean Sea. All things that will definitely be happening!
Here's a funny thought for you- this is my first trip in about 10 years that I will be able to drink the water where I'm going. I always seem to be heading off to another less developed country where I have to get shots and take medications. This will be a whole new adventure for me to be in a place where the dollar isn't high-valued, and the water is clean.
Granted, I'm traveling with Clog America again, so it's not like we'll be staying in hotels or resorts. (We're staying in hostels, a dorm, and with host families this time.) But bring it on! I'm ready for some new sights and sounds! And to listen to the sound of little clogging feet, fiddles, and banjos every night. (Not looking as forward to all of the Eastern European dances as much. But still, I love them too.) Ooh and this year there will be teams from Africa and Asia performing as well. That should bring a fun new element into the mix.
I'm trying to force myself to stay awake another 33 minutes so I can book my seats and check in online. My flight has a layover in Istanbul, and due to the bombings there last week it's guaranteed to be a jam-packed flight. (Also it's the end of Eid in Muslim countries, so a lot of families are traveling that direction.) I don't want a middle seat!!!
So look forward to lots of pictures of food, cloggers, and pretty scenes over the next few weeks! And be sure to follow our adventures at clog-america.blogspot.com. 

Back to feeling a little more like me

Back in September I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. The diagnosis came as a shock, and not too much of a surprise all at the same time. I wasn't mentally prepared for the diagnosis, but came to accept it with time.
In October (after the midsingles conference) I began to take the prescribed medications for the illness. I had postponed the medications since some of the side effects would have been hard to decipher from my real life problems while handling the last conference details (mood swings, extreme emotions, depression, etc.). I needed to know if it was conference stuff bothering me, or the medications. (Thankfully I never felt that way about the conference!)
As soon as I began taking the medications I started to feel better. My body didn't hurt like it did before. The aches and pains went away so fast it felt like magic. Unfortunately, the magic came with the downside of accepting that if the drugs were working, that it meant I really did have fibromyalgia. (They aren't painkillers per se, but instead mess with your brain chemistry and the inflammation of nerves.)
For about 2-3 months I enjoyed living like a real person again. I could be more physical, work out, take the dog for a long walk, etc., without the threat or misery of fibromyalgia pains after the fact (or during it).
And then January hit. I started to notice the weight gain a few days after Christmas. It wasn't too severe at first. But my pants fit a little snugger than I liked. I blamed it on holiday treats, even though I really hadn't indulged much. (While I do love chocolate and will overdose on it, I'm really not that into sweets otherwise. There is very little sugar in my diet.)
By the second week of January, when my family went on the cruise, there was no denying it. I had suddenly gained another ten pounds. Just boom! There it was! Clothes that fit me the day I packed for the trip I couldn't even pull on by the end of the trip.
I knew everyone just thought I had gained the weight slowly and normally. After all, nobody really sees me very consistently to know better. But I knew something was wrong. You don't gain that much weight that fast. It's not right.
Well, then the whole kidney stone thing happened. And my weight gain wasn't my highest priority. But in the days between doctor's appointments I kept hearing different nurses take my weight. I noticed my weight jumped another ten pounds in just one week. I barely even ate anything that week. (But I also barely moved. I lived in a ball on my couch riding out the kidney stone pain.)
Then one fateful day I woke up and realized nothing, and I mean nothing, in my closet fit. Not even my baggiest sweatpants could be pulled up over my stomach. It was a little terrifying. I didn't even look like me in the mirror. I kept thinking how I looked like Monica (from "Friends") in the fat suit. I stood on the scale and discovered I weighed 30 lbs more than I did around Christmas. I had gained 30 lbs in under a month. More like 2 weeks.
Not good. Not good at all.
I did my own internet research and contacted my doctor. The doctor really didn't believe me. She told me to cut out sweets. Uh, I never eat sweets. My internet research told me I was experiencing a very rare side effect of one of my medications. Other people described it the same way I did. It felt like I had a "basketball of water weight" on my stomach. I'm not exaggerating when I say I looked 9 months pregnant. In fact, I had a very important meeting I had to attend during that time. And since none of my clothes fit, I had to go out and buy something. And yes, I bought maternity pants. They were the only option for getting pants that would accommodate my freakish belly.
I also went into hiding. I didn't let anyone see me if I could avoid it.
And immediately started the weaning off process for that drug.
Within 48 hours of backing off the drug (Gabapentin or Neurontin, if you are curious), the water weight literally started to just fall off of me. I magically started to shrink. As fast as I gained the weight, I lost the weight. Which, just for the record, was not a pleasant experience. That's a lot of trauma for the body to go through.
It takes a few weeks to wean completely off these drugs. You can't go cold turkey because they mess with the brain's chemistry, and can cause seizures, among other things.
I've been off the medications for a little over a week now. My body is almost back to normal. I still have a good 10-15 pounds I'm going to have to lose with hard work (and less magic). But thankfully the scary water weight is gone, along with the "fat suit" look.
Things are a bit of a downer because going off the drugs meant going back to feeling the fibromyalgia pains. And let me just say, they suck. I can feel every joint, every knuckle, every stupid little finger, toe, limb, etc., on my body.
But on the bright side, I'm not feeling "stupid" anymore. One of the side effects of Neurontin is becoming forgetful, or fighting through a strange fog to process things. It's hard to explain what that feels like. I know I am smart. I know I can learn things quite quickly. I remember details quite well. But under the influence of this drug, I've struggled to learn a basic computer system at the store. I can't remember even the simplest of things. I've never lost my keys, phone, etc., before. But on this drug, I've lost them over and over again. I've made simple mistakes, or left things at home, repeatedly. It's that feeling of "I know I walked into this room for a reason" but ten times worse, and it never goes away.
And on top of everything else, I haven't been able to write one decent thing since starting the medication. Not one article, page in a book, etc. I've barely even posted to social media. And mostly because I couldn't get my brain to formulate any decent thoughts.
There was a constant struggle in my mind over what to do - be in pain, but be smart, or, be on the meds, and be "stupid." I always knew I was going to choose the pain over stupid. But my doctor convinced me that my problems would go away if she upped the dosage. It was the higher dosage that specifically caused the freakish water weight.
So now I'm back to my more natural state. No more drugs. And in just the last 10 days medication free, I've written several pages in a new book, submitted a course abstract to a local college (and got accepted to teach it!), one article, and other things. My brain is back online and I can think again! It's amazing how fast I lost and regained my ability to process and think like that.
But yeah, now I'm also back in pain. Not so crazy about that part.
There are other medications I can try. Insurance won't cover much of the cost. Supposedly they won't have the same negative side effects, but we won't know until we try. And I really don't know if I want to risk it. I have too much happening in the next few weeks and months with promoting my book, writing articles, and teaching some classes, to suddenly "not be smart" again. But then, can I endure the physical demands of the upcoming opportunities without the medications?
Fibromyalgia is a non-discriminating bitch.

What a Week

I'm back!
I enjoyed a long and fun trip to the beach with friends. It was the "annual spontaneous gathering of Mormon singles at Duck Beach" for somewhere around the 30th year in a row.
As usual, our house was incredible, the friends were desirable, the food fantastic, and a good, wonderful time was had by all. (And there were some pretty intense Phase 10 games, made even more entertaining by spontaneous outbursts of song, that I may never stop laughing about.)
And somehow I've also kept up with the tradition of coming home from the beach with a nasty head cold. I have no idea how that happens every single year. It's one tradition I wouldn't mind killing off.
I read a ton, got a decent tan, and even got some good writing done. My goal was to meet Maslow's first 3 levels of needs, and relax, so that I could reach the top 2 levels, and find my creativity again. It took a few days, and I fell victim to lots of fun distractions repeatedly (for which I hold no remorse), but I'm happy to say, I did relax and write eventually.
The week was also (interrupted?) punctuated with the publication of "A Love Letter to the Single Men." It was an article I wrote for Meridian before I left town, that caused a few ripples and waves in the singles pool. I predicted I'd get positive and negative feedback, and I was right. It was just unusual to be surrounded by singles day in and out when the article came out. There was no escaping me or them, for better or for worse.
All in all, it was a great experience. Now it's time to put my energies into preparing for Russia, Serbia, and Romania. And finding a way to make a LOT more money. No one is getting rich on unemployment around here, believe you me. 

Channeling Creativity

I feel like all I ever do is complain about how exhausted I am. I'm sure no one wants to hear that, but really, it's true. I'm exhausted. Yesterday I woke up early to attend 8 a.m. church, turned off the alarm, put my head back down, and slept for 5 more hours. I never even got out of bed yesterday except to walk the dog a few times. I took a few naps plus went to bed early.
You could say I was a little bit tired!
But today I feel like I'm almost back in the game. Or maybe I've just finally accepted that I will have to live with this level of exhaustion? Either way, I'm good to go.
I've joined a new writing group which has helped me get more organized and motivated to finish writing book 3 in the Haley and Cam series. It will be titled, "Coming Up Next!" to continue the news theme. This book takes a bit of a departure from the pacing and day to day style of the past two books. But we get to know Cam and Haley in ways we haven't seen them before. I think Haley and Cam fans will like this unexpected twist to the story and storyline.
It is nice to feel creative and motivated to write again. It isn't a skill I can just turn on and off like some people can do. I have to be in a creative mind set with few distractions in order to write fiction. I've tried to just churn out material before, and it is always a disappointment, and gets tossed out before long. But balancing day to day life makes it hard for me to flip the switch to the right brain and channel my creativity.

This Just In!

This Just In!

The Haley and Cam Series, Book 2

By Erin Ann McBride

Haley Jo McAdams’ life is a modern-day fairytale! She has the perfect boyfriend in Camden Morrison, a great job, friends, and success.
But no good deed can go unpunished! A new scandal has left Cam’s career and reputation on the line, just as Haley’s takes off. Should she stand by her man or defend her own reputation?
Pirates, death, kidnapping, love, marriage, and babies- is Haley’s life a fairytale or a complete nightmare?
When the fairy dust settles, the explosions begin!

It's here! It's done! It's the full, entire, completely released as one, book, and you can buy it on your e-reader for the low, low price of...
$5.50 if you buy it through Smashwords between now and Monday!
Full price is $8.99, but with coupon code YF76X on Smashwords you can get it for $5.50!
Not familiar with Smashwords? (Don't worry, few people are!) You can buy e-books for your Kindle, Nook, Sony, iBooks, and even just in PDF or text, through the site. You don't even have to have an e-reader to use it.
Or just buy it from Kindle direct for $8.99!

(It will be up on on Nook tonight or tomorrow. But it will only be available at full price there. GET IT FROM SMASHWORDS!)

What will be will be

I have deemed today a creative day. I may even deem the whole weekend a creative weekend! I have several projects in mind- a wreath, writing, a tulle princess skirt, and maybe even video editing.
After battling my now 10-day bout of bronchitis/pneumonia/worst respiratory infection in history/whatever it is, I am in dire need of getting out of the house, even if it is just to go pick up pine cones and random things in the wood.
Oh who are we kidding? I'm in dire need of just getting to see unfiltered daylight and not sitting by the phone wondering why it won't ring with GREAT news?
Maybe if I play the odds of Murphy's Laws and go spend lots of time away from the phone it will finally ring? Think that will work?

Seeing the skies with bleary eyes

The view outside my house yesterday at 1:30 pm.  We had a nasty thunderstorm roll in, and the skies went very dark for over an hour.

It is only 11 am and I am already approaching burn out for the day. It is possible I overdid it yesterday. I am leaving for youth conference for 3 days later this week, and I'm trying to get everything done in advance. I worked about 18 straight hours yesterday- all in front of my computer. Can you blame me for residual bleary-eyes? Today isn't looking much better either.

I won't complain and say how hard my life or job is. We all have lives that require attention.

One of the unique parts of my job is just how much of my work I have to create. I'm learning "writing" as a profession can be quite frustrating at times. It is hard to come up with unique and creative work in your 17th hour of typing. Today I have taken the advice of many advice books, and I have changed my surroundings. Instead of working in my usual 2 spots (my bedroom and the family room), I have moved downstairs into a room I almost never go into. I should have done this ages ago. This couch is far more comfortable than where I sit upstairs! "They" claim that changing your surroundings can help trigger different parts of creativity. I hope they are right, because I could really use some new creativity today. Later today I may venture over to the library as well. (I'm intentionally not going over until after morning little kid storytime. Nothing like a herd of small stampeding elephants to keep a library quiet.)

Interesting fact- remember how as kids food and drink were absolutely BANNED in the library? And we were taught that only naughty little children would even consider touching a library book while drinking or eating? Get this- our library has a coffee shop in it. My inner child's mind is blown.

How I attempt to balance working, unemployment, volunteering, ADD, and a creative personality

Why this picture? I'll tell you why this picture. A) I am far more creative by moving water (completely true and verifiable fact), and B) I'm ADD and it just made sense to me at the time.

This new little life I lead of unemployment/self-employment is completely contradictory to everything that comes naturally to me. This life requires an insane amount of self-discipline that I am not naturally prone to. Not to mention, attention to details, follow up, and other things I've already managed to forget since the idea to write this post hit me.
To clear up the confusion about my working status. I am still technically unemployed. I am still actively looking for a job. I am also still an actively waiting impatiently Peace Corps nominee. I am also attempting to earn money in a side job that is sometimes more effective than others. Not to mention, I am bound and determined to finish writing a book before I do get a job/leave for the Peace Corps/make another crazy change in my life.
To balance the multiple priorities in my life (looking for a job, attempting self-employment, be creative, volunteer work), I have divided my week up accordingly. Two days a week I focus on the self-employment part. Two days a week I focus solely on job hunting. One day- Wednesday- I attempt to allow myself to just be creative all day. (More on that later.) Saturdays are for volunteering and fun, and I am bound and determined that Sundays will be a day of rest.
When absolutely everything relies on you solely to happen a little self-discipline becomes a good thing. But guess what? I only possess a little self-discipline. This can be a problem. I'm easily distracted by everything little thing. I do try to keep my household running in such a way that I'm not distracted by it. (For better or worse, I am not distracted by messes or unclean things like dishes. If you do ever hear me complaining about such things, you know I am beyond stressed and begging for a distraction.) However, I do have dedicated cleaning times to help me survive my own shortcomings (Saturdays and Monday nights when I have nothing to watch on TV anyway.) Also, allowing routines to form in my day are absolutely essential to faking self-discipline until it actually happens. For instance, I run all errands first thing in the morning. (Most of the "work" I do is in the Pacific or Mountain time zones, so this makes more sense.) This serves two purposes- getting a distraction out of the way, and forces me to get up and get dressed. Even if the errand is running to my favorite gas station to get my daily Diet Dr P, this tiny little effort at a routine is helpful. I find that forcing a routine forces things to become habits, and that most of those habits are very good things.
The only downside to my attempts at scheduling and self-discipline so far are that first and foremost wheels I put into motion on a Monday may finally have results for me on Wednesday (my dedicated creative day). And so I lose my much needed creative day and find myself working instead. This isn't a bad thing, but eventually that creative side of me feels punished and lashes out at me in the form of ridiculous ADD and then nothing gets done on a day it needed to be done.
The past few years of first working full-time from home, and now just attempting to find work from home have been very enlightening. I think they have set me up well for what service in the Peace Corps will be like. But at the same time, I am terrified of the day I have to return to an office, and work in a confined setting. Will I like it? Or will I crawl under my cubicle and cry in the fetal position?
I have learned it is very hard to serve multiple masters like this and ever feel successful. But at the same time, this opportunity has been good for me, and has allowed me to explore new reaches of my self-discipline, dedication, and ability to overcome my own known short-comings.

This blog post is brought to you by Wednesday- the creative day. The one day a week I'm allowed to sit here and write and just be creative as needed. Otherwise, I never would have allowed myself to write such a long, rambling post in the morning. But now I must stop myself and go check my professional email account. Because "the wheels of commerce never stop turning." Not even for the day where I'd rather watch a movie and knit something. 

My Right Brain Can Beat Up Your Left Brain

Left Brain= the logical, rational side of your brain, predictability and order, follows rules and procedures

Right Brain= the more creative, big picture, innovation, change, oriented side. Really hates being in a box.

Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz The higher of these two numbers below indicates which side of your brain has dominance in your life. Realising your right brain/left brain tendancy will help you interact with and to understand others. Left Brain Dominance: (16) Right Brain Dominance: (16) Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz

(Okay, so maybe there's no way my right brain could beat up your left brain. It was just a dumb joke anyway.)

How to Tap Into Right Brain Thinking (yes, sorry, I am linking to an Oprah article. Like her or hate her, she does attract some of the best thought leaders on to her show!)

With the drama of getting me packed and moved across the country, and now the drama of getting my mother packed and moved out of the country, it is time for me to start thinking about me and that scary place we call the real world again. 

Rather than just search for all the usual and typical jobs this time, I'm spending a lot more time asking myself what it is I WANT?! Do I want to keep working in the volatile and cutthroat world of marketing? Do I want a major career change? Do I want to go to school? Do I want to join the Peace Corps? Do I want to live here? There? Back there? 

I don't know.

And so rather than just let the left brain take over and be all rational and predictable, and apply for the usual suspect of jobs, I'm going to spend some time with the right side of my brain. I'm creating a vision board. I'm splurging and buying a new camera. I'm visiting some of my favorite towns over the next few weeks. I'm going to take pictures and collect things, and start cultivating all those things my right brain needs to stay alive. I'm looking for inspiration and asking myself the bigger and more difficult questions. 

I loved the article I linked above. It addresses something I've seen for a while, but haven't heard anyone talk about yet. The business world is changing. We are no longer just drones in an office space. We create content in many different ways. Which is so interesting because the bigger corporations get the more left brain oriented they become. They run like machines, all based on rules and procedures, and yet expect the employees to create content. Creation inside of rules limits personality and potential. 

It is all a very interesting concept. I invite open dialogue on it! Join me, will you?