The Mormon Girl, Coffee, and Purple Hair

At my "other job" at the bookstore that I am not suppose to name on personal website, I was hired 5 weeks ago to do receiving two nights a week. On average I work 3 nights a week as a cashier. But last night I did something different. I worked in the cafe. Yes, some genius put the Mormon Girl in the cafe serving Starbucks for 5 hours. If it weren't for the punk snot nose condescending 17 yr old girl with purple hair bossing me around all night, I probably wouldn't have minded or cared too much. But because of the punk snot nose condescening 17 yr old girl with purple hair who actually said to me after 5 minutes of working together (in a quite loud and forceful voice), "I am your BOSS and you WILL do what I tell you to! And do not EVER speak back to me!", I am seriously considering refusing to ever work in the cafe again for "religious reasons."
Seriously though, I've never even had a cup of coffee. Who the hell puts a Mormon Girl in a Starbucks?? I don't know the difference between a latte, mocha, coffee, or espresso. And after 5 hours of sloshing the stuff around last night, I still don't. I just know that each one had a different button or pitcher.
But one mystery was solved for me. Starbucks Frappuccinos do not contain coffee or caffeine. In fact, they are mostly just milk and powder. They are about as much coffee as Ovaltine is. (This is of course assuming that you do not get one with the word COFFEE in the name.) I haven't solved the mystery of what a Tazo Chai is yet. But I have a feeling I will probably be finding out in approximately 9 hours.