To Do List

My to do list today includes call the maid, call the gardener, get car detailed, ship gifts, take the dog to the groomer, and go to a bar.
All these things together make me sound like someone I am not.
I'm greatly amused. 
Happy Saint Patrick's Day, y'all.

Erin Go Bragh!!!

Making Roanoke Home

After 18 months or so of living in Roanoke, it may be time to start calling it home and making it my home. It seems like ever since I got here the plan has been to leave as soon as the right opportunity presented itself. But now that things have changed (again) and I am mostly employed, there are no plans to leave. It feels strange to say, but I just might stay here.
I never expected to like it here. I grew up visiting Roanoke frequently as a kid. We lived four hours away but came every few months or so to visit family. I always thought of Roanoke as a pain to visit, slightly redneck, and a little too small town for me. I still do think of it as redneck and a little small town. But I've actually started to like it as I have adjusted myself to living here. It also helps to finally have some semblance of stability and independence. I'm still mooching off my parents and living in their house (they aren't living here though). I'd like to be able to buy or rent my own place again before much longer. I miss "my stuff," that continues to sit in storage in another state. And I'd like to have my own real space again, but for now this is a good arrangement.
I no longer expect to find what I want at the mall. I rarely find a reason to visit the mall. I'm not sure if it is because the mall(s) are so unimpressive or if I'm just too poor to buy anything. Probably a good mix of both. I now expect that the ethnic food options will be limited, and am pleasantly surprised when I find something good. Same goes for most culture around here. I'm passing out of my expectations where I always want everything to be as diverse and useful as the DC area. I've changed my expectations to a more appropriate level, and it is no longer a negative thing, or an annoyance for me.
I have a great relationship with some of my younger cousins, and second cousins, I never would have expected to have. This has probably been the highlight of living here. I swap music with one my high school aged cousins, which is just fun. And some of the younger girl cousins just think of me as a friend, and not like some big, older, strange person they don't relate to. I love it when they ask me to help them with something, or for rides, or just to hang out. I don't know that it will ever feel normal or natural to go to a church congregation where everyone is related, but it does feel less bizarre to me now.
Last night the missionaries came to Mutual (youth group) and challenged the kids to all bring a non-Mormon friend to our activity next week. We have a boys vs girls challenge to see which group can bring more friends. Before they challenged the kids they pulled me aside and first asked if that was okay (because I'm in charge of the activity, and they needed to make sure I could handle it). And then asked if I would set the example and bring a friend as well. (Nicely played, Elders. Nicely played.) I would have loved to have accepted the challenge. But I had to say no. I honesty and truly don't have one friend in Roanoke that isn't a family member or church member. (And all family members are also church members.) This disappointed me for several reasons. Not just because of the challenge, but because it is the only drawback to my current lifestyle. I work alone from home, and my only social interactions are at church or with my cousins. I really don't know anyone else, unless you count the nice lady at the gas station.
Now that I have more or less "committed" to living here for a long time, it is time for that to change. This has everything to do with why I don't date here- I don't have a way of meeting people. But this isn't just about dating. It is also about wanting to just have friends that aren't genetically required to be polite to you, and that aren't 12 years old. So I have been thinking about how and where to make friends. Where do you go? How do you make friends?
The thought has crossed my mind to get involved in the community more, but I'm not sure how or where yet. I'm giving serious thought to joining, or at least supporting, Big Brothers Big Sisters again. (But that won't get me many friends that aren't 12 years old.) Anyone have any suggestions? Outside of church groups and work where do you go to make friends?

Fasting

I know I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it a thousand times again. But I sure do love working with the young women at church. They just make me happy. I love watching them grow up and change, and yet I want them to stay their precious cute little girl selves at the same time.
Today I was fasting for a personal reason, and for my friend's toddler who has an inoperable brain tumor and is very sick. I struggle with fasting because it puts me in such a rotten mood. Going hungry for several hours on end messes with my blood sugar and just leaves me very cranky (not to mention daylight saving time robbing me of an hour of sleep, and going to bed extra late). Plus even after I do finally eat something I still tend to stay a little off for the whole day (headache, stomachache). But I believe in the power of fasting, so when it is needed I fight through my personal issues with it.
Generally fighting through my issues means I avoid people. I know I can't handle even simple conversations without getting overly emotional, so I just try to avoid being in those situations altogether when fasting. But working with the teenagers means I don't get that luxury of avoiding conversations anymore. Today the Lord must have been looking out for me, and for them. They were just cuter and better than usual. I got hugs and sweet little comments. They just made my day with what happy kids they can be.

Cries of Pain

I feel like a pretty crappy human being today. Someone yelled at me and insulted me pretty good this morning. I didn't do a good enough job on something I had worked hard on. I haven't finished all of my 'must-do' items in several days. There's a project I've been working on for charity sitting in the corner that hasn't been touched in weeks. I feel like I'm not doing enough to serve others lately. My butt is gigantic and was shown on TV last night, making me feel really insecure about my body image. Someone ever so impolitely let me know that it isn't the dress that is making me look fat- words that hurt considering I've been dieting diligently for two months now. I talk too much. I'm opinionated. And I haven't achieved any major life goals in a while. In other words, today I feel like I suck.

But today things were also put into perspective for me. I learned about two horrible and sad things happening to friends. Both are facing horrible circumstances that are just too much to talk about here (without their permission). My heart is breaking for them in more ways than I thought it could. I may feel like my life sucks, but then what are my problems compared to theirs? And while I have heard them cry in pain, I have not heard them cry in complaint. And those are two very different things.

One of the insults I received today came from someone who misunderstood me. I had "cried in pain" to this person, who took it as a "cry in complaint." Whether I did not make that clear, or the other person was indifferent to my plight, I do not know. This morning one of the two friends said something online that I perceived to be a "cry in complaint." (Or a cry for attention.) I was annoyed and ignored it. (As compared to some people, I don't take it upon me to correct others in these situations.) But by the end of the day I had learned the rest of the situation and felt terrible for my earlier thoughts. This person was truly crying in pain, and needs love and attention.

I can't help but wonder how many people are crying in pain, but we choose to ignore it? And how many people are afraid to ask for help or cry in pain because they are dismissed as complaints? How often am I ignoring real cries of pain because I can't hear them amidst all of the complaints?

Tonight I will pray harder for my friends. I'll pick up my charity work and make it a priority to finish it. And tomorrow, I'll listen better for the cries of pain.

New Behaviors

Over the past few months I've had three different fillings fall out of my mouth. Some fell out easier than others. Apparently these things have a shelf life, and after 20-30 years, it was time for them to come out. (who knew?) They have been a part of me for so long that I didn't even know I had any fillings. But now they are gone, and my teeth don't fit together normally anymore.

It is driving me crazy. After 20-30 years of my teeth fitting together in a specific way, it is very uncomfortable and unnatural for my teeth to not fit just right. I'm being forced to learn a new behavior for something that should come naturally.

No, this isn't going to be a complaint about the expense of dental work. (Although it could be. Do you know how much it will cost to get three fillings?? Nearly $1,000!) It is about learning new behaviors.

I find stopping old behaviors and learning new ones are some of the hardest things we will ever have to do. But if we fail to do it, the consequences can be very painful. (constant headache from my jaw not setting right) And yet, in spite of how hard it can be, we have to do it. Complaining about it doesn't get you anywhere. Taking control and accountability for it, and doing something about it, does.

For me this is going to be a long process. Not only do I have to deal with the current discomfort, but I'm going to have to get new fillings, which will mean readjusting my jaw all over again. (And probably more than once as I doubt I'll be able to afford all three fillings at the same time.) But they claim what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. By conquering change and learning new behaviors, we improve, we become better people.

And so we must go on. We must learn to overcome our past, our weaknesses, our learned behaviors, and learn new ones.