in the epic film about my life (or at least the last 24 hours of it) the character of __ will be played by __

In order to protect the innocent, which is me, I can't tell you all of the characters in the movie about my life. But I can tell you who would best portray them! And I can't tell you the plot either, because then you'd have no reason to come see my movie.

But here are a few fun teasers.

I will be played by Janel Moloney because I think she rocks, and she has better hair than me.

The second most important character, the man who can't lead, will be played by Jude Law. Chosen for many reasons, including similar looks, "AI," "Alfie." and how he treated Sienna Miller.

A very main character, who only gets a very small but crucial part, will be Jaime Pressly also known as Joy from "My Name is Earl." (a classy name for a classy lady) I'm pleading the Fifth on why.

Fabulous Girlfriend #1 (who will offer to do the assassination) will be played by Janeane Garafalo chosen for her quick wit and excellent choices in eyewear.

Fabulous Girlfriend #2 who will say the *itchy things you can't say yourself will be played by Mary Louise Parker chosen for her quick wit, and excellent choices in eyewear.

Fabulous Girlfriend #3 who will walk in the rain and take personality tests for you will be played by Mary Tyler Moore (the younger years) chosen for her quick wit and excellent choices in eyewear. (Cindy Williams the Laverne and Shirley Years, as her understudy. Only chosen for the walking the city in the rain aspects of it all.)

The Knight in Shining Armor will be played by Owen Wilson also chosen for quick wit and excellent choices in eyewear.

Incidental and Unwitting Character #1 will be played by Ron Howard (with hair) chosen for the dead-ringer aspects of it all.

"Innocent and Supporting Girlfriend Who Got Dragged Accidentally Into the Middle of It" will be played by Alyson Hannigan also from the Buffy Years.

And the "Girlfriend Who Offers to Kick Butts" role goes to Sarah Michelle Gellar the Buffy Years.

"L. Ron Hubbard" will play himself. As will Tom Cruise.

To all of you who don't get these inside jokes, I'm sorry. Just trust me, I have fabulous girlfriends and they were all cast well. As were the two bad guys.