I had my first real bout of homesickness this morning. Or was it a bout of stupidity? I can never quite tell the difference. I had volunteered to go help at a huge service project this morning. But when I got there I just couldn't do it. The thought of being solo in a huge large group of people (most of whom had matching shirts on) just got to me. I got up early, drove there, and got halfway across the parking lot before the panic attack hit me. It was somewhere between a fear of being lost solo in a large crowd and not knowing anyone and just the pain of missing home (where "not knowing anyone" rarely happens).
I don't know where the panic attack came from. It's very unlike me. I usually like being alone and doing things by myself. I find my greatest adventures happen when I'm alone. But today it just didn't happen for me.
I have the chance to redeem myself tonight. There's a big party I could go to- if I can convince myself to do it. Part of me really wants to get out and make some friends. But the other part of me is just dreading walking into a large party where I know no one. (church activity thing)
How do you find the courage to do it -- either it?? I'm afraid if I go I'll hate it. And I'm afraid if I stay home I'll hate myself. Where's the happy place on this one?
I think I made a huge mistake when I did get back home this morning. My netflix had arrived in the mail and I watched "Catch and Release" with Jennifer Garner. First, let me say it is a great movie and I liked it- when I wasn't busy hating myself and the movie for making me bawl for hours. I can't remember the last time a movie had me crying from beginning to end.
All in all, this hasn't been a great day.
A little help, please??
Go to the activity! Now!
ReplyDeleteWhy are you still here? GO!!!
You sound like I did when I first moved to Seattle. Living alone, not wanting to be alone all the time (I like alone time, but not *that* much alone time). I had a few panic attacks myself, and I'd never had them either.
ReplyDelete