As I have been focusing on relationships this week, reading the stories, and even reading a few books on the subject, I've made an interesting self-discovery.
As mentioned previously, my history (for the past 7 years basically) has been I meet a guy, we flirt, he shows interest, usually there is no date, and I stay interested for months on end with things going nowhere. I hang on, passively interested, but never interested enough to do much about it, until the next guy comes along.
Here's what I realized today. I never really liked any of those guys enough to want to do more. I moved on when someone else interested me. In fact, I can't really recall the last time I got very excited about anyone. And let me tell ya, it is hard to get excited about guys in their 30s and beyond. They've got a spare tire, less hair on top, too much hair in other places, plenty of baggage, and they tend to have very egotistical pre-conceived notions about women. (I think if I could meet just one guy who doesn't fit that description, I might get excited about him.)
In our 20s we get excited about a lot of guys. And IMHO, a lot of girls marry the first guy that excites them more than the others. The guy that fits the bill better than most. They marry him convinced no one else will ever find that same chemistry with them.
The difference in dating in your 30s and beyond, is knowing that not only do you find that chemistry with more than one person, that it doesn't mean a thing. You can feel that chemistry, and it still doesn't always work out. (Creating a small trust issue and baggage to boot.) Or, conversely, you date wondering if you'll ever get to find that chemistry you have heard of.
One thing I have noticed about individuals looking for second marriages, or individuals who have been married a while, is that they aren't looking for that first relationship chemistry. They admit they are looking for compatibility, not chemistry.
Me? I've felt that wonderful chemistry, and been with men who fit the bill perfectly for me. Now, what to do about that? Find it again? Or just look for simple, happy, compatibility?
It's got to go both ways, don't you think? I'm not in the best shape of my life, I have PLENTY of baggage (not that I make it a life-running issue), I'm well-educated, talented, and pretty opinionated, and I'm not that interested in playing anymore. I can imagine the frustration some men might feel about ME! :) Chemistry would be a lovely thing, but I'm looking for the kind of compatibility that will be a strong foundation for an eternal commitment. Chemistry, for me, can be a direct result of that compatibility.
ReplyDeleteErin, maybe no guy wants to date you because he knows every detail of the dates will be over analyzed on the internet by you and your friends.
ReplyDeleteJust saying, being under that much scrutiny, right from the get go, who would want that? Well maybe a meglomaniac.
I hope things work out for you, and I know you and I get into internet fights sometimes, but I'm saying that as a friend, not to be a jerk.
---Parley
Parley,
ReplyDeleteI can't blame you for thinking that, but! There's always a big but!
Go back all 7 years of this blog, and you will only find ONE date ever hashed out. (And trust me, that one was so bad it deserved it.) Go back all 7 years and you'll not find even one guy's real name. In fact, I think you'll only find a very small handful of nicknames, maybe 4 or 5?
I talk about events, and my thoughts, all the time. But almost never have I talked about another person.
Also, with the exception of a few little children, I have never, not once, spoken of a person on here without their express consent.
Ah... Chemistry. Compatibility.
ReplyDeleteIt's all such a sticky wicket.
Here's what I think it amounts to:
when my friend's fiancee leaned over to whisper to me - while observing her working in the kitchen - and said, "Isn't she fantastic?!"
THAT's the chemistry. THAT's the compatibility!!!
When watching a woman search for a ladle stirs your heart... that's love!
I felt a bit jealous in that moment... but mostly happy that my friend found a man who loves her so!
The thing is, most people (men) don't stick it out to find these moments. they expect some hollywood, contrived moment where the sun and the wind hit her hair just so, and angels with harps start strumming.
Der. Not going to happen!
Let me tell you, the day she came out of the bathroom -non-plussed - with a wad of disgusting hair from the P-trap in the sink - and her fiancee said, "Man, she's tough." with the admiration of a man who just witnessed child birth - I knew he was seriously in love with her!!!
He knew he had found a hard worker, not a prima donna - but still a lovely, delicate, femine creation of God. AND APPRECIATED IT! AND THANKS GOD EVERY DAY!
It's about appreciating what the other brings to the relationship.
But it's really hard to get there in the dating world.
what is great about real chemistry - is it's pretty obvious. It's not about hearts and flowers and burning loins. It's just this easy, comfort level. Effortless. Where you can rest your souls by just being together.
I think TRS just hit the nail on the head. My Dad always said, "When you think you love someone, stand back and take a second look. Picture the person getting out of bed in the morning with hair standing on end and morning breath. Picture the person changing dirty diapers. Picture the two of you together without two dimes to rub together. Picture you both at your very worst -- and then if you like what you see, marry."
ReplyDeleteso with your added big but statement that now includes big butt, balding, big around the middle, bits of extra hair baggage and bitter (ok my addition, I was al an alliterative roll) I gotta say us guys in our 30s are real winners in your eye. I am surprised that we can scrape ourselves off the bottom of lotus leaves to approach you. perhaps if you would put ddown the austen and the brontes we might someday measure up or hope to measure up. I hope that the male population over the magic line can begin to drift back towards dating acceptable for you.
ReplyDelete-too fat, old, and bland for women
Anonymous-
ReplyDelete"big butt, balding, big around the middle, bits of extra hair baggage and bitter" also describes a lot of women I know. Ok, well, not exactly like that. But bigger butts, big around the middle, extra baggage, and oh so bitter? Yeah, it describes more than a few women. And let's not forget, women in their 20s think they need a man to make them happy, bring home the bacon, etc. Women in their 30s and above have figured out that they don't really need a man (but they'd like one anyway.)
One reason why I am thinking and focusing on relationships so much this week is to ask myself whether or not I want to keep looking at the sea, waiting for a man to "drift back towards" me and what I want.
Trust me, I'm aware of the fact that I'm not perfect material for the men out there either. And never have I suggested that I might be.