Today was long coming. I finally had a meltdown. I lost it. I just broke down, screaming, crying, cursing the sky, shaking my fist, and yelling "WHY ME?!?!?!" What did I do to deserve this? Why am I going through this hell of unemployment?
I'm not proud of my behavior today. But I won't apologize for it, or pretend it didn't happen. My feelings have been bottled up for a while now. I've had to ask people to stop talking about certain things in their lives around me, because it hurts to hear them. I do love my friends, and I do want to be happy for them. But sometimes, hearing just one more success someone else has had, while I continue to receive rejection after rejection, just kills me a little more inside. I've "warned" those closest to me that things are tough. But the truth is, there isn't one person who knows just how bad things are.
I've reached out to the few friends that I know can relate. I've tried to be a good friend to others. I've tried to forget my own problems by helping others.
But today it was just too much. I just don't have it in me anymore to pretend everything is okay. And so I didn't. I just broke down and cried. Not once, but twice. Three if you count right now as I type this.
It isn't easy having little to not control over your future, your finances, your home, what you eat, what you do, what successes or failures come your way, or what insensitive and rude thing someone will say to you belittling your problems.
All you have control over is how you react. And today, I chose tears.