Meet Abstract

Thanks to the miracles of photoshop, Abstract now has personalized "billboards" for its members. Enjoy! (and don't call Joy "Carrot Top," she hates that)

We Love Photo Shop

Snippets From the Day

Blake rocks with $20,000 in sales.
Durant rocks with 30 Benellis.
Abstract rocks with complete and total sarcasm. I love sarcasm.
Durant loses wallet. But not till after we drove an hour to get the new rental car.
Three hour drive around New Orleans.
Dinner at 201 Cafe rocks. Best place in all of New Orleans, hands down. It may be worth coming back here just for the food there. It was THAT good.
Laurel rocks for paying for dinner.
New cousin born. Talmadge Johnson weighs in at 10+lbs, 23 inches. His mother, Anne Marie, rocks.
Juli rocks for attempting to kill a snake (that got in her house) by spraying bleach on it. Her husband rocks for killing it with a machete.
Jae and Sage rock for deciding to become my personal matchmakers. Apparently all I have to do in return is sing the song. "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch."

Yours truly-

Hot Lips, and oh yes, I rock


PS- Let's not forget that the illustrious "Single Thought" column comes out Thursday. We took a little turn for the different this week. http://www.meridianmagazine.com/singlethought/index.html

Please Call Me Hot Lips

Today a young woman had the absolute stupidity to post the following email on the Colonial Ward Listserve. Since she entitled it "I HAPPEN TO NOT LIKE THE ARTICLE- PLEASE READ EVERYONE," I have no problem putting her email on my blog, and ripping her to little tiny pieces.

(this was in response to the article in the Washington CityPaper about Janna (see janna's blog on the left)- http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/cover/2005/cover0729.html )

The email from a complete stranger verbatim-
To all who read the article -i thought this article TOTALLY SUCKED, and futhermore, it just instills theideas that may or may nor pre-exist in people's minds in the lds and non-ldsculture. it's messed up and stupid, get over the stereotypes and move ONalready! if you're not freakin married by 33 then IT'S YOUR FAULT, PERIOD. ifyou didn't make eternal marriage your focus -oh well, you suffer, too bad.. blahblah... don't go swearing and winning that you are not married because nearlyEVERY ONE ON EARTH COULD BE MARRIED IF THEY REALLY REALLY PURSUED IT AND CAREDAND PUT FORTH A STRONG EFFORT! too many people in the NOVA and DC area focustoo much on their stupid careers and collegiate accomplishments....what did Richard G. Scott come to talk about about a year or so ago(SPECIFICALLY TARGETTED TO THE DC SINGLES)?.. Eternal Marriage needs to be your#1 focus after your mission (for the fella's) and your #1 focus alongsidecollege (for the ladies).. ---if you heed that counsel there is no way you'll be30 and over and not married (except for a rare few people who had hugeremarkable things that excuse them from that -such as serving your country)!most ladies who are 33 and not married are doing 2 things wrong.. 1) they arecompletely focusing on everything BUT finding a guy, asking guys out, flirting,looking good for the fellas, whatever it takes to get a chicken boy to noticethem and ask 'em out AND/OR 2) they are fat or overweight because they don'tmake an effort to exercise. shoot i could be 33, not married and fat VERYEASILY, but i KNOW i have to get off my butt, and when i'm not in the office orin a class, or at church activities, go running, be active, do some freakinsit-ups, keep myself healthy, NOT GIVE INTO the "cookies, cookies, brownies,browines, and oreo's oreo's, oh and ice cream ice cream" at EVERY SINGLEFLIPPLIN LDS EVENT! just say no. it'll become a habit and as you eat morehealthy, cookies won't be appealing anymore... get over your bad habits, controlthem, MAKE yourself pretty for men ... heck, i would rather have a guy who's fitand takes care of himself and has a testimony, then some guy who is supposedlykeeping 'all' the commandments, but some how forgets the word of wisdom and isweighing in at 335. C'MON FOLKS... get real! nobody wants to marry someone whothey are not physcially attracted to... (perhaps some will, but not many) .. -if you are not attractive, old, and not married CHANGE YOUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCEto become as beautiful as your INSIDE APPEARANCE... PERIOD! If my bishop ofmy single's ward can run in his first marathon in his 40's then there is NOEXCUSE for anyone else to not be physically active.THERE YA GO! i'm done. that article sucked, just like the movie "single'sward" which portrays things that needa be fixed as being "cool, normal, andokay" being 33 and not married isn't even normal as a non-LDS person... i am arecruiter for my job and make calls ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY all the time and TONSof men and women around 21-26 are married (some even have kids) -and, yeah, THEYARE NOT LDS. it is NOT so abnormal to be 22 and happily married w/ kids asmormon culture potrays it to be -in the world outside of mormon culture. -and,mormons out of ALL PEOPLE have AMPLE opportunities to find equal companions onthe same page w/ the same goals to be happily married too. ROCK ON TO ALL YOUYOUNG MARRIED COUPLES, AND PROPS TO EVERYONE IN THEIR MID-LATE TWENTIES WHO AREGETTING HAPPILY HITCHED IN THEIR MATURE PRIME.anyways... i hope somebody woke up and got a clue from this.. no more winingfrom people over 30 -there is no excuse (no offense).-M.H.



OH MY FREAKING GOSH. Who the crap does she think she is? (research has told me that she is 22 and single. i also happen to know she's from a little nothing town out near west virginia. and i was once friends with her older sister.) This kid is so delusional it kills me. Does she honestly believe that women over 30 don't take care of themselves and don't flirt with men? And that by doing a few situps at night we can win over an eternal soulmate? And that your mid-late twenties are your mature prime?!?! This girl is in serious need a slap to the face. I hope she spends the rest of her mature prime years single, and wakes up at age 30 still single.

In the meantime, I sent this email to Abstract (my favorite listserve), where we spent a good portion of the day ripping this girl apart.

I have re-read Honeylips' email and have decided to take her message to heart. So I hereby declare to all eligible men (as long as they keep theword of wisdom like marie says they should) that I would like to get married.
My qualifications-
I ironed my clothes today.
I look good today (if black tactical gear is a turn on complete with dutyholster).
I went to the gym this morning. And made an appointment with a plastic surgeon to remove those pesky 15 lbs genetics cursed me with. I should be a Barbie doll speciman in no time. To make it even more clear that I am available to all men I hereby change my (email) name to Hot Lips. (Marie already has honeylips- and I want to be as much like her as possible since she knows so much about marriage. And clearly since I am 30 and single and the thought just occured to me today to WANT to get married, I need her guidance). So please address all futureemails to Hot Lips McBride. Additionally, she says I am spending too much time on my career. If it will get me a man, I will gladly quit. Of course, I will require a husband who can spare $50k a year for my personal needs, if I am to keep myself up.


Personal Addendum- (not read previously on Abstract)- to all of you who have been faithfully reading my column, I apologize. I didn't realize that my ripe old "beyond my prime" age of 30 meant that I whine and know nothing about dating. I apologize for wasting your time with my (our) thoughts on dating and the advice we have freely dispensed. I should have hung up my dating hat at age 25 when my freshness expired. Please forgive me.

-Hot Lips McBride

What Goes on Bourbon Street, Stays on Bourbon Street

First, the trade show wrapped today. Tomorrow begins the demo days. Cross your fingers for us! We have no idea how many people may or may not show up for the demos this week. Very nerve wracking.
In honor of a great show, and in keeping with tradition, we went out for a big group dinner tonight. In the past we have been to McCormick and Schmicks in LA, Treasure Island Steakhouse in Vegas, Ciao Bella's in Milwaukee, and some other big places. Tonight we went to Emeril's. As in the real live Emeril's restaurant. I wondered if it was possible for a restaurant to live up to the hype. How often does a restaurant get so hyped up as to make the chef a celebrity on toothpaste commercials? But I have to had it to them. Emeril's lived up to the hype. I had some sort of veal dish (not parmigiana), that was possibly the most amazing thing I have ever tried. The presentation was flawless, the food incredible, and creativity unrivaled. Truly one of the most amazing restaurants I have ever been in.
Now, it has been said that "what goes on Bourbon St, stays on Bourbon St." Except for all the video cameras... I decided to "come out of the closet" (inside joke) a little this evening and go out with the co-workers. Originally there was supposed to be a mechanical bull in the plan. But we never seemed to make it there. We started out at a place called Huge A** Beers, and really that alone should get me enough points for getting out of my comfort zone. After that we mosey-ed on over to Fat Catz where we mocked the white guys dancing, and a few members of our party partook of the Jello Shots.
I have been encouraged to blog about how great my co-workers are and how the guys are my personal bodyguards. And when I said that 30-something, balding, overweight guys were not the greatest catches, I didn't include my co-workers in that. They are far cooler than that. They don't need hair to be cool. In fact, the less hair the better.

What a Girl Wants, What a Girl Needs

Late night ramblings of a simple girl

Tonight I had an interesting conversation with a friend (you know who you are) about men. (Warning! Men- if you read further you may actually accidentally learn something about how women think. If you can’t handle that, I suggest you stop reading now.) We were discussing a certain young man that we know. A good way of describing him would be 30ish, overweight, and balding. And yet he’s considered a good catch. The truth is that he is a good catch. He’s a very charming, interesting, fun guy. He can hold a good conversation. Possibly the best part of him is that when you are with him, you have his undivided attention, and he makes you feel special. A pair of bright blue eyes become a pair of sparkling bright blue eyes when they are focused entirely on you. Women really do want nothing more than a guy who makes her feel special. It’s the only explanation for why we date guys at 30 that we didn’t give the time of day to at 22 (or 25, or 27). When we were younger all it took was blue eyes, the right smile, and one or two things in common. But now we want something more. We want the perfect companion. Someone we enjoy being with, entertains us, and more than anything else, makes us feel important.

Royal Sonesta and Dumb People

The trip to New Orleans continues to go well. The show really picked up today, which was great. It was a madhouse in the booth all day, which, again, is great. It also means we're exhausted. But no one is complaining.
We had a customer come in today that was a real piece of work. First, he asks me who is in charge. I answered that I was. He looks entirely unconvinced, as if maybe I misunderstood the question. So he asked it again. Again I told him I was in charge. He looked at me as if I am possibly the stupidest person he's ever met. So he turns to Paul and asks him who is in charge. Paul points at me. Now, I should explain here that Paul is not a Beretta employee. He works for HH Brown, the shoe company we have partnered with. He knows absolutely nothing about guns. But that doesn't stop the gentleman. He asks Paul some questions about our Armorer program. I answer. The guy turns and looks at me like I have just screamed curse words in French at him. He looks back at Paul and asks him about the Benelli Nova on the wall. Again, I answer him. (Paul gladly sat back and amused himself while I tried to get this guy to believe me.) Now this guy is an older man, probably in his late 60's, overweight, balding, and extremely fashion challenged. He had that great ensemble going of an oversized polo shirt (with his name embroidered in large letters across the stomach), khaki shorts, pasty white legs, knee high black dress socks, and white sneakers, carrying a huge canvas bag. Now, I hate to come right out and say this guy was sexist, but let's not beat around the bush. First he had a problem with me being in charge (which I am). Next he had a problem with me knowing anything about guns. And then he explains to me where Chicago is on a map, and how there are police there in a club they call the FOP. (Please do bear in mind that we are at the FOP show, and therefore, I am vaguely aware of what the FOP is and does.) He then explains to me that Beretta has armorers (um, duh), and that we sent them to visit the Chi-FOP. But then he stops and says, (and I quote), "Maybe I should be telling this to someone else." So he turns and tells the rest to Paul instead. He then pays the Beretta armorers a very nice compliment. Apparently, my femaleness makes me incapable of even hearing and understanding a compliment! Never in all my life have I been treated so horribly. The dumb guy didn't know he was rude or stupid. He honestly didn't think I could be in charge or know anything about my own company. I chose to take the high road and not correct his mistakes. But GRRR!!! Why are men so dumb?! Women would never be that stupid!
Just for fun, here is a picture of the Royal Sonesta Hotel we are staying in this week. Its a beautiful boutique hotel on Bourbon Street. New Orleans is finally starting to grow on me. I'm no longer afraid to walk on the streets in daylight alone. However, today I was wearing flip flops and stepped in something wet on the street. I may have to cut off my foot to get the nastiness off.