What You Need to Know About Dating, Mormons, and The Rules

“The Rules.” A mythical book of rules for women and dating. According to legend, if you follow their thirty rules for courtship and dating, the man you have always dreamed of will ask you out, woo you, treat you like the queen you are, and eventually propose. But only if you keep to their rules. Their very strict rules.

For the purposes of this article we will be referring to Not Your Mother’s Rules: the New Secrets for Dating, published in 2013. And not the more archaic original.

There are women who swear by The Rules. Others who laugh it off and mock it. There are men who doubt its existence. Others who are oblivious to them. Men who despise them. And then there are the Southern women who just call it common sense.

I’ve read “The Rules” (both the original and updated) a few times. I’ve followed The Rules at times. I’ve broken every single one of The Rules at times. I can see the arguments from both sides. And I’ve heard the laments from the men.

But lately I have wondered if The Rules really work for Mormon women in a singles ward?

Let me explain.

In my mid-singles ward there is/was a consistent 3:1 ratio. Three women for every man. Three beautiful and talented women for every single man. And not all of those men are looking to date. Plain and simple, it can feel like a competition to get the attention of the good guys and get a date. The women feel like they have no choice but to be proactive, invite the guys over, flaunt what they got, and make sure they are noticed and remembered.

All of this goes against the teachings of The Rules. And I can’t help but wonder, if Mormon girls in singles wards changed their approach, and followed The Rules, would there be more dating and relationships?

The Rules

1. Be a Creature Unlike Any Other
2. Look Like a Creature Unlike Any Other
3. Don’t Talk to or Text to a Guy First
4. Don’t Ask Guys Out by Text, Facebook, etc.
5. Don’t Sit or Stand Next to a Guy First or Flirt First
6. Wait at Least Four Hours to Answer a Guy’s First Text (and then 30 minutes thereafter)
7. TTYL: Always End Everything First
8. Don’t Answer Texts or Anything Else after Midnight
9. Rarely Write on His Wall and Other Rules for Social Networking Sites
10. Stay Away From His Facebook Profile
11. Don’t Email a Guy First and Keep it Brief
12. Make Yourself Invisible and Other Ways to Get Out of Instant Messaging
13. Don’t Talk Too Much in the First Few Weeks
14. Don’t Just Hang Out or See Him 24/7
15. Let Him Suggest Skype and Visit You More in a Long-Distance Relationship
16. Don’t Lose Your Friends Because You’re So Obsessed with a Guy
17. Don’t Introduce a Guy to Anyone First, Invited Him Anywhere First, or Friend His Friends First
18. Don’t Write to Guys First, Ignore Winks, and Other Rules for Online Dating
19. Don’t Pay for Dinner or Buy His Love in Any Way
20. Don’t Choose a College or Job or Relocate Because of a Guy
21. Don’t Get Wasted on Dates or at Parties, So You Don’t Say or Do Anything You’ll Regret
22. Buyer Beware… Weeding Out Bad Guys (Cheaters, Addicts, Players, and Time Wasters)
23. Don’t Be Self-Destructive by Dating Married, Unavailable, and Other Mixed-Messages Guys
24. Stop Dating a Guy Who Cancels More than Once
25. Don’t Send a Guy Anything You Wouldn’t Want Him to Have If You Broke Up
26. Don’t Accept Booty Calls or Meaningless Hookups
27. Wait Before Sleeping with a Guy
28. Don’t Put on the Freshman 15, Go to the Gym, and Other Rules for Looking Good at Every Age
29. Wait for a Guy to Follow You on Twitter First and Rarely Return Tweets
30. Don’t Date Indefinitely without a Commitment

(A few of The Rules don’t quite apply to Mormon culture obviously. So we’ll skip over and ignore those.)

Do The Rules apply or work for women in a singles ward where the ratio of women to men can be staggeringly not in their favor? Where just getting to talk in the hallway to a man can feel like a weekly competition? And Sunday dinners and taking a plate of brownies over to a guy you like is an expected commonplace occurrence?

Or is it possible that The Rules are what we need to help spur more dating, and less hanging out and waiting for something better to come along?

Where’s Waldo?

In my most recent mid-singles ward we had about 400 people attending on an average Sunday. With 5 Sunday School classes, an overflowing sacrament meeting, 2 Relief Societies, and 2 Elders Quorums, it can feel like an Olympic event just to find your best friend to sit with. You can meet a new person, have a fabulous conversation with them, and then it may be months before you spot the person at church again. There are so many people in our ward it can feel like Where’s Waldo in there week after week.

So when The Rules suggest that a woman should never instigate a conversation, or angle herself into the seat beside his, invite him over first, etc., it might seem like a really bad strategy. How else will a guy ever notice you in a sea of other women, if you don’t help him out a bit? He may truly never see her in the crowd.

It’s a tough call to make. I’ve been a Rules Girl, and I’ve been the anti-Rules Girl. I’ve asked out men, and I’ve patiently waited and wished for a man to ask me out. And here’s what I can tell you- The Rules do work. Even when it might feel like they don’t.

But I’m not here to try and convert every woman over to The Rules. It’s a choice.

The Argument in Favor of The Rules