Help Me Help the Refugees

As most of my friends and readers know, I have spent some time serving, at my own expense, in some of the world's saddest, most underdeveloped places.

I have personally worked with sex-trafficking victims. I've heard their stories, and helped them find education and new job skills. I have worked in hospitals and tent cities with disaster victims. I have volunteered in orphanages. I have held dying babies who had no other family to hold them in their final moments. I have driven ambulances and fire trucks at lightning speed. I have pulled people from car wrecks. I've seen families sob as they accept the death of a loved one.

I acutely feel the pain of the refugees fleeing our common enemies. I have not yet met them. But I can imagine their circumstances and fear.

Today I find myself grateful for federal judges who had the bravery and confidence to stand up to a president (a president who likes to make threats and taunts and insults to those who disagree with him), to uphold the Constitution and American values. (When the president openly admires some of history's most vile and corrupt leaders, it must be terrifying to defy him, wondering what he might do to you in retribution.)

I have been patriotic for as long as I can remember. My earliest childhood memories involve political rallies for a party I can no longer support. I have served on Capitol Hill. I have served on presidential campaigns. I've hosted phone banks. I've canvassed neighborhoods.

I believe in democracy, free trade, capitalism, and that America was build as "one nation under God," and in "liberty and justice for ALL."

More than anything, I believe in free speech. I thank God every day for the right to express ourselves openly, without fear of punishment. I believe in free press, and that good journalism means telling every side to a story, even if and when it makes you enemies. And I believe most of all, that no one, especially no government or political leader, can or should control the press and what every they may choose to say.

And all of these reasons, held deep in my heart, and on my sleeve, are why I must do something to help the refugees. I am reminded of a scripture from the Book of Mormon, Alma 60:27-28.

"And I will come unto you, and if there be any among you that has a desire for freedom, yea, if there be even a spark of freedom remaining, behold I will stir up insurrections among you, even until those who have desires to usurp power and authority shall become extinct.

28 Yea, behold I do not fear your power nor your authority, but it is my God whom I fear; and it is according to his commandments that I do take my sword to defend the cause of my country, and it is because of your iniquity that we have suffered so much loss."

Many times in my life this scripture has jumped out at me, inspired me, and reminded me, that it is God that I fear, and not mankind. I fear the judgment of God if I do stand up for what is right.

I am only one person. But I know my skills. I know what I have to offer the world. I know what resources are at hand for me to make a difference. And that is why I have chosen to sell t-shirts, so that others, like me, can wear our beliefs proudly. We can show others that there is still a "spark of freedom remaining." And by doing so, and selling the shirts, I can raise money to give directly to refugee organizations in Germany this summer.

I will in Germany this summer in a town where we know there are several refugees already. I know that by personally bringing the funds and donations with me, I will be able to give it to refugees at a more personal level. The money will not get lost in the overhead of large nonprofit expenses. But will go to getting clean clothes, toys, and food, directly into the hands of those who need it most.

I hope you will consider supporting the cause. Even if you don't want a t-shirt, you can make a donation. The t-shirts come in men's, women's, and youth versions and sizes.

Thank you all for your support. It means more to me than you will ever know!

https://www.bonfire.com/support-true-american-values/

Goodbye, Sweet Kathy

A dear friend, cheerleader, mentor, and supporter passed away today. She was a woman I barely knew, and yet she had a profound influence on many of the professional choices. There are so many things I could say about what a wonderful woman she was. But mostly, I just want to say that I wish I had told her and thanked her for her incredible influence. I never did tell her what an important role model she was to me. And now I never can. And there is a huge painful hole in my heart tonight as a result. 

When the going gets tough

Things have been tough lately.
I feel like I've started off way too many blog posts with those words. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any less true.
I don't just feel like things have been tough, they have been tough. And as usual, I'm not truly at liberty to share much about it except my own feelings.
I haven't had much control over many of the circumstances in my own life. That alone is hard for me. I'm a very independent, strong-willed woman. Unfortunately, I can't say that I've been self-reliant lately. I want to be self-reliant, but I've had no choice but to let a lot of other people be a part of my life, and control major details.
There have been people in my life that are just plain difficult to deal with, be around, and accept. As much as I wish I could cut them out of my life, that hasn't been an option.
And then there is my job situation. Let me make something clear, it is NOT easy being a writer. The pay is inconsistent and not dependable at all. I am very grateful that I've had some part-time work for the last several weeks. And now that work has changed into full-time permanent work. I am very excited to have a job again, and get back on my way to self-reliance (at least in this one respect).
I am also very grateful and happy that I just got a new book contract! A non-fiction book that I submitted a few months ago to my publisher has been accepted. So it's time to start the publishing process all over again. (I'm going to be really busy between the new job and the book!)
I wish I were at liberty to dump all my problems out there in detail to share. But I'm not. I know it would make things worse and not better. But writing is how I express myself, and that makes it hard for me to not share.
The issues of late have had me on edge, constantly on the defensive, and exhausted. So many things that I normally love have become a huge burden. I've had to really rely on my faith to get through much of this ordeal. My prayers are constant pleas for patience, kindness, forgiveness, and love. Not to mention, the strength to endure this constant trial.
And yet, through all of this, I have never before felt such a closeness with my Heavenly Father. I have a firm belief and understanding that I was meant to be here to endure these trials. That is not all a big mistake. I have been prepared and strengthened for all that is happening, and I need to hold to that knowledge so that I can be strong enough to endure.
I know that many of these trials are not mine to bear. I have learned to let others help me, and trust them to do their parts. It's not easy, and it really isn't pretty. But I've learned to accept that this is how things must be for the time being.
I don't know that I have yet reached the point where my broken spirit can say I am grateful for these struggles. And it might be a really long time before I ever can say that. But for now I can say that I am grateful for a faith strong enough to accept this new reality.
And I can pray for the strength and faith to endure what I cannot yet handle. 

The Center of Our Lives Must Be Jesus Christ

Elder Oaks, I Am Not Afflicted. I Am An Asset.

Dear Elder Oaks:

You broke my heart tonight. You compared my beautiful life to disease, disability, and depression. You called my marital status an affliction. I have never been so hurt before. Your words hurt me in ways I didn't know possible. As difficult and lonely as my path may be, it is not an affliction.
I know that you meant well and that your words were meant to be ones of comfort. You spoke of the Atonement and how Christ knows my pain. You explained that the Savior often walked alone and knew and understood what it means to be lonely. I agree and I believe. I am grateful for the intent of your words. It is why I am not offended or angry.
Just truly broken-hearted.
Imagine a mother finding out that her child is considered disabled. Or a person finding out they have a disease. How crushing it must be in those moments. That's exactly how I felt when you called my life an "affliction."
I know there are many who took comfort in your words. There are plenty of singles who were grateful to be acknowledged for their pain. And I am very happy for them. It did mean a lot to hear a General Authority acknowledge the challenges of being single with more than just routine commentary about dating. I am grateful that you respected and spoke of the pain we often feel. But again, I am not afflicted with singlehood. And it hurts me to be labeled as such.
The diseased and disabled and those with afflictions require extra service and attention. They are not able to give as much service and sacrifice to the Church [without considerable assistance from others]. Singles should not be put into the same category or consideration as these special demographics.
I am the Young Women's President in my ward. I have been in several YW presidencies. I am a temple worker. I have been a Primary worker, a Relief Society teacher, a ward missionary, and conference co-chair.  I give more of my time to the Church than your average person. And I always have.
My marital status is not an affliction. It is an assistance and blessing to others. It has never held me back. It frees me to serve and help others in ways that a married parent cannot do. I am an asset to others.
I am, however, afflicted with people who do not understand or relate to my situation. I've always found that odd. Weren't we all born single? How is it so hard for married people to remember what it was like to be single? I am afflicted with people who give bad advice. I am afflicted by people who think that being single is a choice, or that dating should be the same at 40 as it was at 20.Where is the advice for dating over 30? Surely when you were dating your second wife you must have noticed that it wasn't the same as dating when you were in college. Why has no one ever offered anything other than comfort to us? Why has no one ever acknowledged that singles are an asset to the Church? And that our lives are just as full of joy as they are of pain? Why is it so taboo to acknowledge that singles can have happy and fulfilling lives? If you don't want us to feel afflicted, acknowledge our contributions and potential.
I am afflicted with a great deal of pain every time I am treated like a second rate citizen at church. For instance, the time I had to sit through a YW lesson about female role models, that by definition excluded me as a role model because I am single. (Ironic that I am the YW president, but not considered a role model.)
I admit and recognize that loneliness can feel like an affliction. I do not belittle that fact.
Being single can be hard. But it is not a disease. It is not a disability. It's not an affliction. It's simply a state of being. Your words came on a day where I was feeling more pain and loneliness than usual. I found no comfort in your words. Instead, this new label made me feel worse, like I had no purpose or meaning. I had no idea people thought such an awful thing about me. And it hurt more coming from you, than anyone else. After all, you are the one Church leader who experienced singlehood and dating later in life. I always thought you understood us better.
Please reconsider calling singles "afflicted." Acknowledge us for all that we give the Church. Acknowledge that we are assets. And that we do it alone. We do just as much, if not more, than our married counterparts, and we do it without a support system.
I am grateful for your words of comfort. "Sometimes His power heals an infirmity, but the scriptures and our experiences teach that sometimes He succors or helps by giving us the strength or patience to endure our infirmities." These are words of comfort for many things. But please, do not call my marital status an infirmity. I am so much more than that. I am an asset. And I am a daughter of God.

Show Your Love

"What sign will you give to the Lord to show your love for Him?" Elder Russel M. Nelson

The One That Got Away

Once upon a time, a long time ago...
I was on a lunch date, nowhere near home, with a guy I was either dating at the time, or had recently been friend-zoned by. I can't remember if we were actively dating at that point in time or not. We were not near my home or his home; this part is significant. Out of nowhere, my date said, "Someone is looking at you. I think he's about to come up..." And sure enough, someone tapped me on the shoulder right then.
Much to my surprise, it was The One Who Got Away (TOWGA)several years earlier. Not only was it TOWGA, but he lived overseas. When I say this was incredibly unexpected, I really mean it! I hadn't seen him in years (because he lived overseas). How and what he was doing there nowhere near anything relevant, I have no idea. But nonetheless, he was there.
I was so surprised to see him that I managed to forget his name, plus my date's name. Seriously. Forgot both guys' names at the same time. TOWGA and I had known each other (very well) for about 13 years at that point. My date and I had been something undefined and still unclear for about a year.
In other words, I shouldn't have forgotten their names. But I did.
I was completely caught off-guard and went totally tongue-tied. The guys were left to introduce themselves to each other. It was awkward.
But then it got funny. Or at least in hindsight it was funny. At the time it was just awkward.
The two guys sized each other up and did some classic posturing and peacocking. I mostly stood there trying to figure out how and why TOWGA was in the middle of nothing relevant, and not in a foreign country. Conversation was briefly made, but not made well.
I finally took a deep breath and took a good look at TOWGA. He looked just the way I remembered him- always in need of a haircut 2 weeks ago, and wearing a slightly off-beat suit and shoes. He never wore typical, conservative suits. He gravitated more towards colors and the nutty professor look. (Not that he knew it.) I always liked his not traditional look. He wasn't much taller than me, blonde, and had a charming smile that always made you wonder what he was really up to.
It took all of two seconds to remember everything I ever liked about him. He and I technically never dated. But the feelings and emotions regarding him are as if I had. It's open conversation between us that we never dated, but always thought we would someday. I liked him, he had a girlfriend, he liked me, I had a boyfriend, etc. I dated his friends, he dated mine. We just never got the timing right. We've gone on a few dates, about 5 years apart usually. We have a wonderfully close and caring relationship. Like I said, he's The One Who Got Away. He's a good guy who will always hold a special place in my heart, and I wouldn't be embarrassed if he read this. (I'm pretty sure he already knows.)
But then I looked over at my actual lunch date. He was also wearing a slightly off-beat suit. In fact, both guys were wearing olive green tweed jackets over brown pants, with a tie. And they had on the same exact shoes- burgundy/mahogany loafers. They were the same height, with rakish blond hair.
And that's when it hit me.
I have a type.
I didn't know I had a type right until that very moment. 20+ years of dating and I had no idea I had a type. In fact, the similarities didn't end there. Both guys love sci-fi, tabletop/board gaming, can best anyone in fantasy trivia, and have an interesting political viewpoint.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized how many guys I've been involved with that meet that description. In fact, the overall majority sound exactly like that. There are a few odd exceptions, but for the most part, all my men have been sci-fi/fantasy nerds, loved board games, knew way too much about superheroes, and liked politics.
For a few days, maybe even weeks, that epiphany bothered me. Until one day when I realized, that wasn't a bad way to describe me too. I love sci-fi/fantasy, I rock at tabletop/board games, love ALL pop culture trivia (particularly superheroes), and love politics.
Is it so wrong that I tend to gravitate towards men I share these things in common with? I don't think so.
But here's my point-
It took me over 20 years of dating to realize I have a type. After 20 years of dating I still have a few things to learn. I haven't mastered dating yet, and probably never will. And that's all fine and good, but what does realizing I have a type mean for me?
Well, in my case, I took a step back and realized something. This type of guy is always fun, and I am always drawn to him. But after 15 years of finding myself with that kind of guy, maybe it's time to accept that while he's fun, the relationships never work out. Maybe I should be looking for something different? But then, is it my type that isn't working? Or is it something else? (And there are a lot of something elses it could be.)
It's something to think about. Which means that now, after 24 years of dating, I still have more to learn.


Oh, and for the record, I think maybe someday I will label the guy that was my lunch date as The Other One Who Got Away. Our relationship never really took off for a variety of reasons, but it had its moments. He was/is a great guy that I have few negative things to say about. Our friendship continues, although the romance is dead. But things continue to evolve there, and I'm not sure how I will label him in the future. It could go many ways. Only time will tell.
(The highlight of that crazy lunch though was watching him pretend not to be jealous, while being obviously, incredibly jealous. It made me realize that maybe he liked me more than he ever let on.)

Madi and Scott Tie the Knot Wedding Video

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10 Myths About Mormons and Gays

In December 2012, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced the launch of a new website, MormonsAndGays.org. The site was designed in an effort to encourage understanding and civil conversation about same-sex attraction, and to dispel myths regarding the Mormon Churchs stance on same-sex attraction.

But eighteen months after the launch of the site, many Church members are not aware of the site, and still get many facts wrong about the Churchs official positions. Entitled, Love One Another: A Discussion on Same-Sex Attraction, the site features a number of videos from people who share real experiences from their own perspectives on what can be a divisive and emotionally charged topic.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Churchs Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, “Because we dont understand everything about this subject it is wise to stick to the revealed word of God as found in the scriptures. What we do know is that the doctrine of the Churchthat sexual activity should only occur between a man and a woman who are marriedhas not changed and is not changing. But what is changing and what needs to change is to help our own members and families understand how to deal with same-gender attraction.”

“As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate,” Elder Quentin L. Cook said. “Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Lets not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender.”

There are still many misunderstandings and myths regarding same-sex attraction. Sadly, these misconceptions can be very harmful to others. The following myths are all corrected on MormonAndGays.org or Mormon Newsroom. The information provided below is not paraphrased, but are direct quotes from the site, with the name of the General Authority that said it, or the section title on the site, or linked to articles on Mormon Newsroom.

Myth #1: Same-sex attraction is a sin.

Same-sex attraction is a reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Its important to remember a few things that people dont always understand or remember. And that is that homosexual behavior is not the unforgiveable sin. The atonement and repentance can bring full forgiveness there, and peace. And secondly, Id say though we dont know everything we know enough to be able to say that same-sex attraction in and of itself is not a sin. The feeling, the desire is not classified the same as homosexual behavior itself. And the third point I would mention is that when people have those desires and same-sex attractions, our attitude is “stay with us.” I think thats what God is saying “Stay with me.” And thats what we want to say in the Church: “Stay with us.”- Elder D. Todd Christofferson.

Myth #2: Same-sex attraction is a choice.

Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the Church reaches out to all Gods children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.

No one fully knows the root causes of same-sex attraction. Each experience is different. Latter-day Saints recognize the enormous complexity of this matter. “Being True to Religious Beliefs“

“Thats where our doctrine comes into play. The Church does not have a position on the causes of any of these susceptibilities or inclinations, including those related to same-gender attraction. Those are scientific questions whether nature or nurture those are things the Church doesnt have a position on.” Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “Interview with Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman: Same-Gender Attraction.”

“Whether it is nature or nurture really begs the important question, and a preoccupation with nature or nurture can, it seems to me, lead someone astray from the principles that Elder Oaks has been describing here. Why somebody has a same-gender attraction who can say? But what matters is the fact that we know we can control how we behave, and it is behavior which is important.” Elder Lance Wickman, “Interview with Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman: Same-Gender Attraction.“

Myth #3: Gay is a disease.

We recognize in each other our common needs for intimacy and companionship and can discuss them without shame or rejection. Attraction to those of the same sex, however, should not be viewed as a disease or illness. Elder Christofferson.

Myth #4: The Church has changed its position on same-sex attraction.

There shouldnt be a perception or an expectation that the Churchs doctrines or position have changed or are changing. Its simply not true, and we want youth and all people to understand that. The doctrines that relate to human sexuality and gender are really central to our theology. And marriage between a man and a woman, and the families that come from those marriages thats all central to Gods plan and to the opportunities that He offers to us, here and hereafter. – Elder Christofferson.

I'm Going to Succeed Because I'm Crazy Enough to Think I Can

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What You Need to Know About Dating, Mormons, and The Rules

“The Rules.” A mythical book of rules for women and dating. According to legend, if you follow their thirty rules for courtship and dating, the man you have always dreamed of will ask you out, woo you, treat you like the queen you are, and eventually propose. But only if you keep to their rules. Their very strict rules.

For the purposes of this article we will be referring to Not Your Mother’s Rules: the New Secrets for Dating, published in 2013. And not the more archaic original.

There are women who swear by The Rules. Others who laugh it off and mock it. There are men who doubt its existence. Others who are oblivious to them. Men who despise them. And then there are the Southern women who just call it common sense.

I’ve read “The Rules” (both the original and updated) a few times. I’ve followed The Rules at times. I’ve broken every single one of The Rules at times. I can see the arguments from both sides. And I’ve heard the laments from the men.

But lately I have wondered if The Rules really work for Mormon women in a singles ward?

Let me explain.

In my mid-singles ward there is/was a consistent 3:1 ratio. Three women for every man. Three beautiful and talented women for every single man. And not all of those men are looking to date. Plain and simple, it can feel like a competition to get the attention of the good guys and get a date. The women feel like they have no choice but to be proactive, invite the guys over, flaunt what they got, and make sure they are noticed and remembered.

All of this goes against the teachings of The Rules. And I can’t help but wonder, if Mormon girls in singles wards changed their approach, and followed The Rules, would there be more dating and relationships?

The Rules

1. Be a Creature Unlike Any Other
2. Look Like a Creature Unlike Any Other
3. Don’t Talk to or Text to a Guy First
4. Don’t Ask Guys Out by Text, Facebook, etc.
5. Don’t Sit or Stand Next to a Guy First or Flirt First
6. Wait at Least Four Hours to Answer a Guy’s First Text (and then 30 minutes thereafter)
7. TTYL: Always End Everything First
8. Don’t Answer Texts or Anything Else after Midnight
9. Rarely Write on His Wall and Other Rules for Social Networking Sites
10. Stay Away From His Facebook Profile
11. Don’t Email a Guy First and Keep it Brief
12. Make Yourself Invisible and Other Ways to Get Out of Instant Messaging
13. Don’t Talk Too Much in the First Few Weeks
14. Don’t Just Hang Out or See Him 24/7
15. Let Him Suggest Skype and Visit You More in a Long-Distance Relationship
16. Don’t Lose Your Friends Because You’re So Obsessed with a Guy
17. Don’t Introduce a Guy to Anyone First, Invited Him Anywhere First, or Friend His Friends First
18. Don’t Write to Guys First, Ignore Winks, and Other Rules for Online Dating
19. Don’t Pay for Dinner or Buy His Love in Any Way
20. Don’t Choose a College or Job or Relocate Because of a Guy
21. Don’t Get Wasted on Dates or at Parties, So You Don’t Say or Do Anything You’ll Regret
22. Buyer Beware… Weeding Out Bad Guys (Cheaters, Addicts, Players, and Time Wasters)
23. Don’t Be Self-Destructive by Dating Married, Unavailable, and Other Mixed-Messages Guys
24. Stop Dating a Guy Who Cancels More than Once
25. Don’t Send a Guy Anything You Wouldn’t Want Him to Have If You Broke Up
26. Don’t Accept Booty Calls or Meaningless Hookups
27. Wait Before Sleeping with a Guy
28. Don’t Put on the Freshman 15, Go to the Gym, and Other Rules for Looking Good at Every Age
29. Wait for a Guy to Follow You on Twitter First and Rarely Return Tweets
30. Don’t Date Indefinitely without a Commitment

(A few of The Rules don’t quite apply to Mormon culture obviously. So we’ll skip over and ignore those.)

Do The Rules apply or work for women in a singles ward where the ratio of women to men can be staggeringly not in their favor? Where just getting to talk in the hallway to a man can feel like a weekly competition? And Sunday dinners and taking a plate of brownies over to a guy you like is an expected commonplace occurrence?

Or is it possible that The Rules are what we need to help spur more dating, and less hanging out and waiting for something better to come along?

Where’s Waldo?

In my most recent mid-singles ward we had about 400 people attending on an average Sunday. With 5 Sunday School classes, an overflowing sacrament meeting, 2 Relief Societies, and 2 Elders Quorums, it can feel like an Olympic event just to find your best friend to sit with. You can meet a new person, have a fabulous conversation with them, and then it may be months before you spot the person at church again. There are so many people in our ward it can feel like Where’s Waldo in there week after week.

So when The Rules suggest that a woman should never instigate a conversation, or angle herself into the seat beside his, invite him over first, etc., it might seem like a really bad strategy. How else will a guy ever notice you in a sea of other women, if you don’t help him out a bit? He may truly never see her in the crowd.

It’s a tough call to make. I’ve been a Rules Girl, and I’ve been the anti-Rules Girl. I’ve asked out men, and I’ve patiently waited and wished for a man to ask me out. And here’s what I can tell you- The Rules do work. Even when it might feel like they don’t.

But I’m not here to try and convert every woman over to The Rules. It’s a choice.

The Argument in Favor of The Rules 

Praying for the One: You

God gives all of His children equal opportunities for happiness through the Atonement. He is our Heavenly Father, and like all fathers, He doesnt love one child more than another. Of this, there is no argument. He wants us to be happy.

And yet, we forget this easy to accept principle when it comes to seeking an eternal companion. We make it into something difficult and complicated. Many of us allow the idea to creep into our minds that there must be a “saved,” certain, special someone out there for us. We believe that there are trials and tribulations to be endured so that we can meet the One.

Have we made the “search” for love that much harder on ourselves by creating and building up this idea that there is only one person who can make us eternally happy? (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes.)

A friend of mine made a very insightful and interesting comment regarding the search for an eternal companion. “Its hard to believe or understand that a loving Father who answers when I pray that I have enough gas in the car to make it to payday, or protects me when my car breaks down, doesnt have an opinion on who I marry.”

I sat and thought upon that idea for a while. Shes right. It does seem hard to fathom that the God who helps me with something as trivial as finding missing car keys, doesnt have a stake in my potential mate.

But then it hit me.

My roommate is wrong. And so was I.

Theres a very huge difference in having the faith that the Lord will help me find the missing keys, or will get my jalopy home, and saying He has an opinion or an interest in me finding the car keys. When I find those keys, it is because I had the faith to be led to find them. Its an answer to a prayer. And while the scriptures are very in-depth, detailed, and written to be applied in all time periods, Ive yet to find a verse that says, “look under the couch.”

But in comparison, there are dozens of scriptures, both ancient and modern-day, that tell us where to marry, how to marry, and who to marry. They just leave out the specific name of the person, and what day and where to meet him. But thats okay. Thats where faith comes in.

Consider this advice from Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist. It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make” (in Conference Report, Sept.Oct. 1955, 13).

Madi and Scott Tie the Knot

Last week I traveled to Utah for the wedding of my brother Scott to his new bride Madi. We just adore Madi and are thrilled to have her in the family!
It was a great trip full of friends and family. It was hard to come back home!

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Faith, Patience, and Love Come at a Price

There have been a few things going on in my life lately that I am not at liberty to really discuss or reveal. They have been of an interpersonal relationship, miscommunications, accusations, and short temper nature. And it has really started to take its toll on me.
I feel like I spend much of my time walking on eggshells around certain people. I have to be on constant guard regarding what I say or do. And I have to be hyper-vigilant that I don't do anything that someone could take out of context to use against me.
It has been an uncomfortable and unhappy period in my life. Just to add salt to the wound, it is happening during what I had expected to be a fairly happy and enjoyable period. I never could have seen this coming or have been prepared for it. It's just one of those unexpected life twists that come and rock your entire world, possibly changing your course forever.
I wish I could explain more or give details. But I have no doubt that the person it involves would find the details and somehow use it against me, even if I only spoke straight facts with no emotion or bias.
I have had to work harder than I ever have before in my life to control my emotions and not react to a situation. It breaks my heart that we are all having to go through this. It all seems so unnecessary. I have learned I have levels of patience I never before imagined I had. And I have had to rely on faith in a way I never have needed to before.
I was struck this week with a new thought. In 2 Nephi 2:11 it reads, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things..." This current period in my life I had expected to be easy and full of love for everyone involved. But now we are all forced to think twice, learn, and rely on faith. If it had been easy for all of us, we would not have grown from the experience. But with this unexpected force of opposition, we must find our own strength and will grow to be better people as we struggle to get through it.
I am trying to take this thought and be grateful for the difficulty, and rely on my faith and knowledge of the scriptures to get me through. I believe it has helped me immensely to find the patience and love I need to get through this, to know that there must needs be opposition in all things.
If all things have a reason or purpose for happening, and there must be opposition in all things, then I can endure this experience and be better for it in the end.
Love, faith, and patience don't come easy. They often come at a price and take a toll on a person. But that doesn't mean they aren't worth it in the end. 

Eating with the Pharisees

There is an interesting misconception prevalent throughout the world that we should love the sinner, but hate the sin. There is no place in the scriptures that this is written. In fact, the person who said it was the Catholic saint, St. Augustine. His Letter 211 (c. 424) contains the phrase Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum, which translates roughly to "With love for mankind and hatred of sins." The phrase has become more famous as "love the sinner but hate the sin" or "hate the sin and not the sinner" (the latter appearing in Mohandas Gandhi’s 1929 autobiography).

In fact, Christ had an interesting way of handling the sinners. He ate with them, and never called them out as being sinners.
For instance, in Mark 2:15-17.

Jesus sat at meat in his house, many publicans and sinners sat also together with Jesus and his disciples: for there were many, and they followed him.

And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners?

When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

Christ never said, “Hey look at me over here eating with the sinners.” He didn’t put out a sign or segregate the room saying “sinners eat here.” He never said there was anything wrong with knowing or eating with sinners.

It was the Pharisees who had a problem with the sinners. What Christ said was, “A healthy person doesn’t need a doctor. Likewise, a perfect person doesn’t need a Savior.”

Which makes me wonder – am I a sinner or a Pharisee?

In the story of the ten lepers we learn of the ten that were sent to cleanse themselves and be healed, and how only one returned to show thanks. Have you ever noticed that Christ didn’t condemn or punish or say something negative about the other nine? They were still healed. He didn’t take the blessings back when they failed to live up to expectations.

When the woman found Jesus eating in the Pharisee’s house, and washed his feet with her tears and hair, it wasn’t Christ that called her out as a sinner. It was the Pharisee. In fact the Pharisee said, “This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner.”

Some people take away from that story that Christ let the sinner woman serve him. That part is easy for me to accept. Christ set the example over and over again of loving the sinner.

What I find it interesting he was eating in the home of a Pharisee. Jesus was eating with one of his worst critics. One of the very people that would ultimately lead to His crucifixion.

That’s another interesting point. The Pharisees thought they knew everything and believed themselves to be righteous people. But they were the ones who crucified and condemned the son of God. Not the so-called sinners.

Again, I wonder, am I a sinner or a Pharisee?

We are all sinners. The Church is full of people who make mistakes. People will offend us daily. We will each sin today, yesterday, and tomorrow. And so will the person sitting next to us. It’s just a fact of life that no one is perfect. Alice in Wonderland may have believed six impossible things before breakfast, but the truth is, I sinned six times before breakfast. Probably. I wasn’t counting.

Knowing that someone is imperfect is no reason to withhold our love from our fellow Saints, neighbors, family, or friends. If Christ can eat with the Pharisees, and other sinners, we can surely show kindness to the sinners and offenders in our lives.

In our ranks, every day, there is someone who doesn’t come to church on Sunday, because they don’t feel loved by someone there. Whether or not the offense was ever intentional, doesn’t mean it wasn’t felt. Someone who believes in the gospel is afraid to come to church because they don’t feel loved.

How sad is that?

Are you showing enough love and forgiveness to everyone around you that every sinner can feel welcome in a house of worship?

In October 2006, Elder Bednar rather famously gave a General Conference talk entitled, “And Nothing Shall Offend Them.” In it he said, “When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”

He went on to say, “we have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity for independent action and choice. Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation.”

There is a popular meme going around the internet right now that says, “Not going to church because there are hypocrites there is like not going to the gym because there are out of shape people there.” The church and the world are filled with imperfect people. Actually, that’s not true. The church isn’t full of imperfect people. There is always room for one more.

I can’t help but think of a line from a Billy Joel song, “I’d rather laugh with the sinners, than cry with the saints.” And while I know that line is meant to be flippant, he accidentally got it right. I’d rather laugh with the sinners, and let them know they are loved, than cry with the saints over the fact that there are sinners in this world. After all, there is no record of Jesus gathering his disciples around him to cry for the sinners*. 

Back over Easter I saw another interesting meme on Facebook. It was regarding the Holy Week leading up to Easter. It was a bit tongue in cheek, and yet very on point. It said, “If you really want to live like Christ did leading up to Easter, remember he spent that week overthrowing tables in the temple.”

Let’s go back to this concept of how to love sinners.

Matthew 21:12

 12 And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves,

 13 And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.

Christ ate and communed and walked and talked with sinners. But he did not let anyone make a mockery of the temple, the house of the Lord and prayer.

What I take away from this is that we all make mistakes, and the Lord will love us, and help heal us. But there is a line that you cannot cross, and that line is making a mockery of the word and house of the Lord.

Do you love and laugh with the sinners? Do you “cry with the saints?” Or are you a Pharisee that points out the sinners and sins of the world? Do you eat with the Pharisees in your life?

I’m going to make a more concerted effort to be Christ-like by loving the sinners and eating with (and forgiving) the Pharisees. If Jesus could eat in the home of his critics and condemners, I can learn to be more tolerant, forgiving, and accepting as well.

*I respectfully exclude the Garden of Gethsemane, which was a very different cry and prayer.

Happy Mother's Day! We love you, Mom!

Happy Mother's Day to Our Mom!!

Love, Erin Ann, Natalie, (Scott), and Steph

The following blog post is a mix of thoughts and pictures contributed by my sisters. Not all of the pictures are family pictures, but just images to represent some of our memories. These are not all my words or thoughts.

Mom never went to medical school but she is one darn good Witch Doctor.  What ever ailment you may have mom knows how to fix you right, and 9 times out of 10 it works.  Thank you, Mom, for always taking the time to keep us healthy.

She scored when she married the handsome Naval officer!

My mother might not realize this but she gave me a gift by teaching me to always see the gentle beauty and humor in little children.  She always gets a kick out of the cute things children do and say and she also points out the sweet innocent faces that might have gone unnoticed.

Baby Scotty

Baby Porter

Baby Dallin

Not so baby Dallin

Dallin

Handsome Tell

Who doesn't love a nekkid toddler? 

First grandbaby - Tell

A fun memory I have of you is that if you saw a strange fruit you would always buy it and bring it home for us all to try together.  I always enjoyed that and I now continue that same fun tradition with my own kids. (From Natalie, pictures by Erin.) 

Big Surprises!

I'm back from a big family vacation. We went on a cruise from LA to Mexico. It was a wonderful time, with lots of new things to do, lots of family time, and new experiences.
But I think we can all agree that the best part of the trip was the biggest surprise of the trip- my brother proposed to his girlfriend! (And she said yes!) They have been dating for at least 3 years, so she already felt like a member of the family, hence the reason we invited her to join us. We even included her in the professional family pictures we had taken (before he popped the question). (We took most of the pictures with her in them, and a few without.)
We had no idea he was going to propose (even though we had all hinted that we hoped he would do it on the cruise). He never let on that he was going to do it. You should have heard the screaming, laughing, and crying when it happened. And it wasn't all just from our family- there was a line of people nearby, and they all clapped and cheered for the couple as well.
It was so fun and unexpected to get to be there for the special moment.
And we are all so glad that our new "fiancee-in-law" was there with us to start building our new family memories with her.
Welcome to the family, Madi!

Lessons Learned and to be Learned

Several months ago I had mentally and emotionally reached a point where I had to accept and admit to myself that I was very unhappy. The move to Washington, DC, for the new job had not gone to plan. The friends and activities I thought I would have waiting for me here had not turned out as expected. My salary situation was complicated and considerably less than I had anticipated. I had nearly no social life. I was poor, broke, bored, and lonely.
Going to my mid-singles ward (congregation) every Sunday exacerbated my pain. Everyone else there seemed to have a network of friends, nice clothes and cars, and all the things I had hoped to have, but hadn't panned out.
I began to mentally check-out and withdraw from my ward. But I didn't turn away from the Church, Spirit, or gospel. I turned more to prayer than I had in a long time, in search of guidance. I had partially made the decision, completely based on my pained emotions, to leave the mid-singles ward and go to my nearby family congregation. I figured no one would notice my absence, since no one had noticed my presence.
I prayed more than once. I prayed for several days, if not weeks. And then one day I began to receive an answer and guidance in the way that I often receive answers to prayers. It began as a foreign thought in my mind. An idea that I knew didn't come from me. Just an idea that forced me to think and puzzle it out, and reconcile it with what I knew and felt.
I find that these moments often come to me when I'm driving and my mind is clear. When I used to drive from Roanoke to DC so often, I had many of these moments alone in my car. I miss them now.
It was a Thursday afternoon. I remember it clearly. I was in my car. And a thought came to me that I had to work out, ponder on, and eventually it led me to an answer.
What that thought was is not what's important. But it was the feeling I had at the end of it. I recognized the experience. I had had similar experiences in the past that had prepared me for major life changes. A little seed was planted in my heart that opened my mind to accepting a major change just around the bend. These have always been changes that I could not control, but would need to accept for my own happiness. (For instance, every time a bishop has been released in my ward, I knew it in this same way in advance.) I don't handle imposed change very well. I always need to come to the same conclusion that the change was needed and the solution was the best option. And sometimes I don't agree, or it takes me a long time to get there. And so these moments where I have felt the Holy Ghost prepare me in advance have been cherished and important to me.
And that Thursday afternoon I got the answers to my prayers- there was about to be a major change in my life, and I needed to be prepared to accept it.
And so I was.
In the following days I was "called" or asked to co-chair the mid-singles conference. After I prayed about it, I readily accepted the assignment. I knew it would be a tough road ahead, but I felt spiritually prepared.
But then I went home and cried for hours. I've planned conferences in the past and knew what I was getting myself into. I didn't cry about the workload though. I knew I could survive that. I cried because I have been there before. And I know that when you are in charge of planning a spiritual event for 400 people, Satan will do everything to ruin your life.
I wasn't wrong.
These last several months have been a true test. I've nearly stopped blogging altogether because I just don't want to share all of the difficulties I've been hit with. Of course, the hardest thing I've endured is losing my job. (My grandmother dying, my apartment getting condemned, and car troubles rank pretty high up there as well.)
But on the hard days, the really hard days, where my life is just not easy or rosy, it helps to stop and remember how clearly and perfectly I heard the answers to my prayers.
I know I am in the right place and the right time. I know I will survive this.
I know there are some who would like to believe that for every major effort and sacrifice we make, we are paid back in obvious blessings. For instance, put your heart and soul into planning a major conference, and you'll get your dream job.
I don't believe it's always so obvious. For me, my heart can accept that I've survived and received dozens of blessings these last few months, because I was willing to devote myself to the Lord's work. I haven't gone hungry. Miracles have paid my rent. Hearts have been softened and opened to offering me unexpected assistance.
There are less than 7 weeks left to the mid-singles conference. The workload is getting heavier by the day. I can rarely relax without my brain overflowing with the dozens and dozens of things we need to get done. This is about the point where most people would want to run and scream and never do this sort of thing again.
Trust me, I have those feelings- often! But then I'm reminded one more time that I know that I'm in the right place at the right time. I find the strength to make one more phone call and one more email. Because I can do this. WE can do this. (I'm not alone. I have a great co-chair and committee.)

Women and the Priesthood

Over a year ago I wrote my thoughts on Mormon Women and the Priesthood. I had forgotten I wrote it. I ran across it my accident today. After re-reading I find that my thoughts and feelings on the matter have not changed.
Seeing as this is a very divisive hot topic right now, I wanted to share my post again, and add a few more thoughts.
First, I believe there is nothing wrong with asking for change. Encouraging and creating conversation is a good thing, and I support it. It is an all together different thing to "demand" change, and to call for insurrection and rebellion when you do not get your way.
Second, there are a few people I know and love, who find that their testimonies and faith are shaken this week, as events transpire regarding Ordain Women. I beg you and implore you to ask yourself one essential, important question. Do you follow the prophet? Or do you follow man's ideas (her)? You can feel great sympathy for her, and I know that you do. I support you in your love and sympathy for others. But before this all goes too far, please ask yourself which you believe in more- the Gospel or the cause? Do you follow and sustain the prophet? Or do you believe her accusations of a conspiracy? Because it seems to me that you cannot believe both.


My thoughts from last year - http://www.erinannie.com/2013/04/a-single-mormon-woman-reflects-on-women.html

You Can Make a Difference to a Serbian Orphan

You know me, and you my two passions in this world are humanitarian work, and orphanages. I've visited orphanages in Romania, Haiti, and Cambodia. I plan to work at an orphanage in China next year. And in just four weeks from now I will be visiting an orphanage in Serbia with Clog America. 

And we need your help!

As you may recall, I am going with Clog America on their international dance tour to Romania and Serbia in July. While they travel, Clog America makes it a point to visit different charitable organizations, and make a difference where they can. 

This year they (we) will be visiting Zdrinka Pavlovic, an orphanage in Serbia for 35-40 disabled or abandoned children. We are collecting various items to help the orphanage better serve their children. 

During the month of May, flooding caused widespread devastation in Belgrade, Serbia. Our help in this area is needed now more than ever! Your donations can help bring aid to those left homeless by these floods, and can help us bring aid to the orphanage that originally inspired this humanitarian project. Keep reading for more details. Every dollar helps!

Our goal is to raise enough money to provide the children with as many of the following items as possible:
Hygiene kits
Pajamas
Clothes for young adults
Underwear for ages 6-18
Crayons
Jump Ropes
Small Blankets (I know some of you are quilters out there! How about a small twin sized quilt or bedspread for an orphanage?) 
Soccer Balls
Sock Puppets
Bedding size 90 x 190cm
Mattress
Bed
Dishwasher
Deep Fryer


A percentage of the money raised will go towards the items listed above, and towards the relief efforts to help those affected by the floods in Belgrade. We are accepting physical donations of the above items (you can give it to me, and I can take it with me, or if you live in another state, we can arrange for shipping or a drop off with someone else), as well as monetary donations.

You can contribute towards these efforts on the GoFundMe page - http://www.gofundme.com/7aih94 . 
So far only $220 of the desired $2,500 has been raised. 


Check out this cute video of Clog America visiting a children's hospital in Poland two years ago.