What You Need to Know About Dating, Mormons, and The Rules

“The Rules.” A mythical book of rules for women and dating. According to legend, if you follow their thirty rules for courtship and dating, the man you have always dreamed of will ask you out, woo you, treat you like the queen you are, and eventually propose. But only if you keep to their rules. Their very strict rules.

For the purposes of this article we will be referring to Not Your Mother’s Rules: the New Secrets for Dating, published in 2013. And not the more archaic original.

There are women who swear by The Rules. Others who laugh it off and mock it. There are men who doubt its existence. Others who are oblivious to them. Men who despise them. And then there are the Southern women who just call it common sense.

I’ve read “The Rules” (both the original and updated) a few times. I’ve followed The Rules at times. I’ve broken every single one of The Rules at times. I can see the arguments from both sides. And I’ve heard the laments from the men.

But lately I have wondered if The Rules really work for Mormon women in a singles ward?

Let me explain.

In my mid-singles ward there is/was a consistent 3:1 ratio. Three women for every man. Three beautiful and talented women for every single man. And not all of those men are looking to date. Plain and simple, it can feel like a competition to get the attention of the good guys and get a date. The women feel like they have no choice but to be proactive, invite the guys over, flaunt what they got, and make sure they are noticed and remembered.

All of this goes against the teachings of The Rules. And I can’t help but wonder, if Mormon girls in singles wards changed their approach, and followed The Rules, would there be more dating and relationships?

The Rules

1. Be a Creature Unlike Any Other
2. Look Like a Creature Unlike Any Other
3. Don’t Talk to or Text to a Guy First
4. Don’t Ask Guys Out by Text, Facebook, etc.
5. Don’t Sit or Stand Next to a Guy First or Flirt First
6. Wait at Least Four Hours to Answer a Guy’s First Text (and then 30 minutes thereafter)
7. TTYL: Always End Everything First
8. Don’t Answer Texts or Anything Else after Midnight
9. Rarely Write on His Wall and Other Rules for Social Networking Sites
10. Stay Away From His Facebook Profile
11. Don’t Email a Guy First and Keep it Brief
12. Make Yourself Invisible and Other Ways to Get Out of Instant Messaging
13. Don’t Talk Too Much in the First Few Weeks
14. Don’t Just Hang Out or See Him 24/7
15. Let Him Suggest Skype and Visit You More in a Long-Distance Relationship
16. Don’t Lose Your Friends Because You’re So Obsessed with a Guy
17. Don’t Introduce a Guy to Anyone First, Invited Him Anywhere First, or Friend His Friends First
18. Don’t Write to Guys First, Ignore Winks, and Other Rules for Online Dating
19. Don’t Pay for Dinner or Buy His Love in Any Way
20. Don’t Choose a College or Job or Relocate Because of a Guy
21. Don’t Get Wasted on Dates or at Parties, So You Don’t Say or Do Anything You’ll Regret
22. Buyer Beware… Weeding Out Bad Guys (Cheaters, Addicts, Players, and Time Wasters)
23. Don’t Be Self-Destructive by Dating Married, Unavailable, and Other Mixed-Messages Guys
24. Stop Dating a Guy Who Cancels More than Once
25. Don’t Send a Guy Anything You Wouldn’t Want Him to Have If You Broke Up
26. Don’t Accept Booty Calls or Meaningless Hookups
27. Wait Before Sleeping with a Guy
28. Don’t Put on the Freshman 15, Go to the Gym, and Other Rules for Looking Good at Every Age
29. Wait for a Guy to Follow You on Twitter First and Rarely Return Tweets
30. Don’t Date Indefinitely without a Commitment

(A few of The Rules don’t quite apply to Mormon culture obviously. So we’ll skip over and ignore those.)

Do The Rules apply or work for women in a singles ward where the ratio of women to men can be staggeringly not in their favor? Where just getting to talk in the hallway to a man can feel like a weekly competition? And Sunday dinners and taking a plate of brownies over to a guy you like is an expected commonplace occurrence?

Or is it possible that The Rules are what we need to help spur more dating, and less hanging out and waiting for something better to come along?

Where’s Waldo?

In my most recent mid-singles ward we had about 400 people attending on an average Sunday. With 5 Sunday School classes, an overflowing sacrament meeting, 2 Relief Societies, and 2 Elders Quorums, it can feel like an Olympic event just to find your best friend to sit with. You can meet a new person, have a fabulous conversation with them, and then it may be months before you spot the person at church again. There are so many people in our ward it can feel like Where’s Waldo in there week after week.

So when The Rules suggest that a woman should never instigate a conversation, or angle herself into the seat beside his, invite him over first, etc., it might seem like a really bad strategy. How else will a guy ever notice you in a sea of other women, if you don’t help him out a bit? He may truly never see her in the crowd.

It’s a tough call to make. I’ve been a Rules Girl, and I’ve been the anti-Rules Girl. I’ve asked out men, and I’ve patiently waited and wished for a man to ask me out. And here’s what I can tell you- The Rules do work. Even when it might feel like they don’t.

But I’m not here to try and convert every woman over to The Rules. It’s a choice.

The Argument in Favor of The Rules 

From the Dating Archives of My Brain

This week I got to thinking about some ex-boyfriends and past relationships. And you know what? Hindsight really is 20/20. Now I can look back and see the relationship was always doomed.
The nutshell version-
Once upon a time, I dated a really great guy for over a year. For most of the relationship we went to his parents' house for Sunday dinner. Without fail the meal was always the same- a very tough pork chop, applesauce, biscuits from a can, jello salad, and a can of creamed corn.
The problem? (Besides being the most bland, boring meal ever?)
I am allergic to corn.
As in deathly allergic.
So naturally I never ate the corn. (I rarely ate the jello salad. Why? I really don't like jello "salad.") Why would I eat something that might kill me?
And every Sunday, without fail, my boyfriend's mother made a comment about how I did not eat the meal she made. And every Sunday, I would politely explain I am allergic to corn. She would sniff and dismiss the conversation.
I would remind my boyfriend in advance and ask him to remind his mother that I was allergic to corn. I offered nearly every single week for over a year to bring a side dish, specifically a vegetable. She always said no. I often did it anyway. She never once served anything I brought.
It was not uncommon for his parents (actually the whole family) to completely leave me out of the conversation. Sometimes the boyfriend attempted to include me, sometimes he was oblivious. When I would point things out to him later he would be surprised. He never noticed how rude his family was to me.

Another Memory from the Bad Date Archives-

I don't like speaking ill of another person, even if just to share a bad date experience, without a better intent. For instance, a lesson learned from the negative experience. Give me a few minutes and I'll come up with something.

If memory serves I was about 35 and he was about 40. We met on eHarmony. Now, for the record, I have met several excellent men off eHarmony. And this guy is only a little bit of an exception to the rule.

I don't really remember his name. I remember my brother called him Julio, but I don't remember why.

Online, before we met, we seemed to have plenty in common. We went through the eHarmony "steps," emailed through the site a few times, texted, and had a few phone calls. It all seemed to go well. He was divorced with a daughter, and a stepson that he had not adopted, but still considered to be his son and cared for. I was impressed with that. He was well educated and had a job with a well-known company.

We followed all of the rules for the "first-meet" date. We arranged for it to be at a public place, and had exchanged just enough personal information to feel safe.  (No last names.) The public place was an outdoor mall in Utah.

Now this outdoor mall has dozens of nice restaurants, one sub-par food court, and exactly one very average chain deli. When he suggested we meet at the deli, I figured he thought it would be mostly dead (seeing as it was suppertime on a weekend), so it would be easy to spot and recognize each other. I never actually entertained the idea that he meant for us to eat there. Because who does that?

One of the few perks to getting old and dating is the dates get better. Right?? We're no longer college students at BYU without cars, stuck going to the food court for dinner. Dating Older means we have money! We can go on real dates! Good dinners! Real activities! Dating Older means nice restaurants! And actually getting to be impressed!

Things that do not impress- Jason's Deli.

Seriously, not just a deli, but a mass chain cafeteria style deli. When speaking of a date with a 40 year old man, there might be few things less impressive. But wait for it, he still had ways of lowering expectations.

The first thing he said was that I looked even younger than my pictures. Yeah, I know. I'm the anomaly of internet dating. I actually look younger in real life than my pictures. Not much I can do about that. My first impression? He looked much older than his pictures- so, basically, right on target for internet dating.

I was still trying to get comfortable and confident in those first few minutes of meeting someone in real life for the first time. It's always a little awkward, you know? And then there's just "be polite first date jitters." So when he suggested that we go into Jason's Deli and held the door open for me, I didn't think to protest.

Let's be clear. I was expecting a dinner date. Why wouldn't I? It was dinnertime! We entered a deli that had the chairs turned upside down on top of tables while someone swept and mopped the floors, in spite of the fact that they would not close for at least an hour.

He offered to buy me a drink. (For those keeping track, this is the second guy in my life who "took me out for drinks" by buying me a large soda fountain drink with a straw in it.) He got me a Sprite. (My "drink" is a Dr. Pepper, or at the very least, a Diet Coke.) Again, not really impressive.

He was a fairly stocky, big guy. Not fat, not fit, just a big guy. He took a seat at a booth (again, all of the chairs were on top of tables). In the third completely unimpressive move, he never took off his windbreaker.

Fourth unimpressive move? Not facing me at the table. I sat down across from him with my [disgusting] Sprite. He sat sideways, his feet and knees out of the booth. He sat back, one hand and his drink (a Coke, I think), on the table. He did have the decency to turn his head to look at me.

The conversation was about as dull and boring as two incompatible people can suffer through. The date lasted less than an hour. Nothing inappropriate was said. Nothing horribly stupid. Nothing I can even recall.

Finally, the one person still that still worked the dinner shift at Jason's Deli made it clear she wanted to go home. We did not hesitate to jump up and get out of there. Don't ask me why, but I do distinctly remember that he insisted on ever so politely throwing my drink out for me. (What a gentleman!)

We get outside the door, and the girl locks up and practically runs away. And then "Julio" actually tries to give me a hug. Considering he was much larger than me, I couldn't dodge it fast enough. But he doesn't give me a 'date hug.' He does the guy thump- just one thump- on my back.

And that's it. Nothing else. No further contact ever.

Sometimes bad dates are just the non-event first dates. The kind that makes you wonder why you even bother trying.



Hey You! Check out my new novels, "You Heard It Here First" and the sequel "This Just In!"