Describes my life all too well right now!

Intentionally Left Vague, Just to Confuse You More

If there is one thing I learned back in Dec-Feb while I was so sick and going through hell this year, it was that just as you think there is no way things could get any worse, it was about to get a lot worse.
As a quick refresher for all your short attention span blog readers, just a few short months ago I came down with a mystery kidney stone condition, had to start job hunting, endure Christmas and traveling while ill, move while ill with only 3 weeks of notice, got the flu, was in a car accident, lived on Juli's couch, and started a new job. (Did I forget anything? Cause it's entirely possible that I did.)
It wasn't exactly the best of times, you know?
But there is one thing I learned to do- laugh. I've always been the type to start laughing when I'm nervous or scared. And I'm usually the first to see the humor or irony in a situation. (okay, except maybe when i had kidney stones, and the flu was making me puke my brains out. i've still yet to find the humor in that. actually no, i take that back. i do have one funny memory, of running into the bathroom to toss more cookies, and when i got there, andi (age 5) was sitting on the can sick as a dog herself. instead of being smart enough to redirect the contents of my stomach somewhere else, i picked andi up off the seat, and held her to the side while i unloaded what was left in my stomach. and then placed her back down on it. i now look back and realize that probably looked funny.)
So my point is, I laugh. When things just go from bad to horrifically worse, I laugh.
And today I laughed a lot.
The nutshell version.*
First, I was stupid enough to let a guy mess with my head last week. And that just got me off my game. And then, we had a big shake up at work that resulted in a lot more pressure being put on me. I went from having 1 direct report, and 4 clients, to suddenly having 5 direct reports, and 9 clients. And then another dumb guy thing happened that isn't all that significant, but it just caught me off guard that a guy "who is just a friend" to start with, would give me a freaking "friends talk." Um... did I want more than that?? NO. So sleep deprived and already stressed I entered this day. Just to find Mr Let's Be Friends suddenly acting all crazy and odd, and certainly not like he wants to be just friends. All week long I have been exhausted and sleep deprived. And when I get busy stressed, I forget to eat. So starving, exhausted, and stressed today at work, I suddenly found myself in the perfect storm of elements to set off a kidney stone spasm attack. It was absolutely the worst one I've had since December. It was not pleasant. But I handled it without major drugs, and for the most part without anyone else witnessing it. Just the way I like it! I got back to my desk to find the most unwelcome email I have ever seen- from probably the only guy in this world that I just can't seem to really get over. I haven't heard from him in nearly a year. And he picks today of all days to tell me I'm great and he misses me. And all about his new wife and how great she is too. GEE THANKS. So that is 3 different guy things messing with me at once. Which is pretty much more guy drama then I see in a whole year, all in one short week.
I really thought the day couldn't get more painful. But I was wrong. We still had one major drama to go. A co-worker resigned. And guess who gets to take the brunt of that? Oh yeah- ME! That would now be 7 direct reports, and 14 clients.
That is when I just started laughing, because I'm pretty sure God is laughing at me. It's really the only explanation left at this point.
So what do you do when you can't stop laughing? You go support your favorite "Little Sister" (my kid from the Big Brothers Big Sisters program) at her dance recital. And I am so excited to report that my Little was one of the absolute cutest up there, and made no mistakes. When she saw me arrive at the park, she ran all the way around the park to give me a hug. As did her younger sisters, who were also excited to see me. So there in the middle of my very All-American Single Career Woman Day, I got to be a part of the New All American Family for a few minutes- the Little herself, her siblings, her step siblings, her dad, step mom, Mom, grandparents, and me- tell me that kid isn't loved! (Somewhere in the back of my head a voice was saying, "Little has 4 mommies.") It was a nice break from Single Career Woman Day.
And then from all the hugs at the recital I went to Chez Palooza where my fairy god-daughters stocked me up on hugs and kisses for a few weeks. And Mrs. Palooza herself played the role of armchair therapist very diligently for me for several hours. Mr. Palooza also entertained us by attempting to shock us. It didn't work. But we were amused nonetheless.
I left Chez Palooza thinking all was right with the world (cause how could it not be after all those hugs and kisses?), I got on the freeway to make the simple, middle of the night, 25 minute drive home. But this is my crazy day, and you didn't really expect it to end that easy did you? Oh no. "They" had shut down the freeway, and sent me on a detour that only took 1.5 hours to get home.
Somewhere God is looking down on me, and having a really good laugh right now. And lucky for me, I'm laughing with him.

*Believe it or not, this really was the nutshell version.

just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

Horatio returns with a freaking vengeance.
I think he may actually be trying to kill me today.
I was feeling pretty crappy before I went to bed last night, but was determined to do so without any medications, because I couldn't tell if it was the "duct spasms," Horatio, or the stomach flu returning. And the wrong medication means not getting to take the right medication when I figure it out. So I slept horribly, but I did sleep.
And then woke up to the very clear answer that Horatio hates me. I have taken a full dose of Lortab, plus 800 mgs of ibuprofen, I'm back in bed (I was a good girl and attempted to go to church, before realizing I had to be able to walk all the way to my car for that to happen), heating pad on, and I'm still feeling the pain.
Kidney stones really are of the devil. That's all there is to it.

Catching up on me

I've moved into my new place. I took some cute pictures of me smiling with my door bell, but blogger seems to have lost them. Whatever. I'm home. I'm here. I don't care anymore.
I have no furniture, except for 2 end tables, an antique chair that is NOT for sitting on, and a coffee table. And a huge air mattress. I need furniture. The last few days have been insanely busy and yet boring all at the same time with no internet or cable at home. But I did have "Northern Exposure" (awesome late 80's-early 90's TV show) from Netflix to keep me company. However, I don't recommend watching too many episodes in a row and then sleeping uncomfortably. You may find yourself dreaming about moose kissing cows and trying to sit in your lap. Seriously, it's not a good dream.
Lots of things in my life are settling down, just as fast as other things are ramping up. It's a good feeling. I am feeling more in control. And the best part is I'm not as sick. Things are definitely improving on that front.
Soon I will have some fun stories and new things to report. Until then, I really need a nap!!

So tired

I am so tired of feeling miserable. But I have hope that today will have good news by the end. Can you see how bad my eyes look? That is what happens when you don't get a decent night of sleep in over a month. Red red eyes, puffiness, etc.
But like I said, it's still morning. There is still a chance for a good day ahead.

Stress in the Time of Some Mystery Illness

Have you ever reached that breaking point where you just can't take one more thing? Going through one major life event (moving, job change, illness, etc) is hard enough. Going through all of them at once? KILLING ME.

"Yesterday was plain awful." (2 brownie points to the first person to know what movie that was from) And there is no other way to describe it. The specialist I saw for my never ending "right flank pain" sent me in for the CT Scan with Contrast. I'm allergic to contrast, and we knew that. So I had to take some meds in prep for it. I spent the weekend in horrible pain from the meds. We're talking writhing on the floor sobbing in pain from the pills. Pretty much the worst pain and weekend ever.

So I go in for the miserable test. There were a few SNAFU's (the first hospital where I had the appointment set flat out refused to give me the test knowing my allergy to the contrast) but we got through them. But then they gave me the test. On the bright side, well, at least we really do know for sure that I'm allergic to the contrast now. On the down side I had to pass out, choke, vomit on the tech, and break out in hives for us to find that out. And all that just for the test results to come back with the answer, "no conclusive explanation for pain."

And after all of that we're still back at Square 1 with no good explanations for anything. Which is pretty much the last thing I wanted to hear.

Oh, and as previously mentioned, I'm very anxiously job hunting.

AND, to make things even more complicated, my landlord emailed me last week to say they are moving back, and need me out in about 4 weeks.

So major illness, job change and moving. Oh and my laptop up and died. So I can't even house hunt, job hunt, etc from home. And did I mention I moved to Utah with very little furniture and have a LOT of shopping I have to do before I can live in a new place?

I'm seriously on the verge of losing it.

Oh, and just for kicks, I met a really great guy. But under these conditions I have no time or energy to invest in making something happen there. Thankfully, he knows that, and seems to be perfectly willing to just wait for me.

At least one thing is going right.

Horatio in ALL his glory

See that big white dot next to my finger? That is Horatio the Un-Stone. (there's still plenty of stones. but this one isn't a stone.)

Nicest Kindest Sweetest Thing Ever

I think I mentioned earlier that my sister in Reno said she was going to send me dinner tonight. When her mother-in-law showed up with "dinner," it turned out to be more like a month's worth of groceries. Chicken, roast, ham, pot pies, spaghetti, and more. I am so humbled and grateful right now. And the piece de resistance that really made me happy? She brought me a People magazine to keep me entertained in bed!!
No one has ever done something so nice and generous for me before! I'm crying!

I don't do New Years Resolutions

I don't. Sometimes I set goals around the time of my birthday, but that is it. But today I have decided to set one resolution.

1. No more kidney stones.

Today I did a few things I have never done before. Starting with calling a complete stranger at church, bursting into tears, and asking for help. The stranger was my Relief Society President, and she quickly came over- to shovel my driveway, so I could get to the clinic for another painkiller shot. I stood there and cried my eyes out while she shoveled my stuck car out of the 6 inches of powdery snow (I had spun out in my own driveway and couldn't move my car). A couple of neighbors saw, and came over to help her. Then they all proceeded to keep shoveling other houses down the street, just because.
I got myself to the clinic and got another shot. Apparently the shots only last a few hours. It was my first experience with this doctor. He made me promise that if things get worse this evening I will get myself into the emergency room. The shot wore off about 1.5 hours ago, but for now, I'm okay.
There was a funny moment in the doctor's office. It went like this.

Dr.: So I hear you have a kidney stone.
Me: No, I have 23 kidney stones.
Dr does a double take and looks back at my scans.: How did you do that?
He was rather impressed with my number. Oh that all men were.

My sister just called and said that since she can't be here with me (she lives in Reno) she's called her mother-in-law and asked her to bring me dinner tonight. I've met her MIL many times and I know what a busy woman she is. It really is very sweet of both of them to do that for me.

Apparently my crystal ball was fuzzy last night

I guess my poli-crystal ball needs some cleaning, because my predictions were way off. But truth be known, I stole most of my ideas from the polls on www.realclearpolitics.com. So I'm surprised how far off some of them were!
Nonetheless, I will do more homework on New Hampshire this weekend, and put up predictions soon. I have nothing better to do, since I have been sentenced to indefinite bed rest after a very bad kidney stone day. (So bad that I had to have Dirtius Wifius take me on a late night trip to the Insta-Care for a painkiller shot. I thought all my problems were solved, because for one brief and beautiful hour I felt no pain at all. But the pain is creeping back in much faster than I expected. I just looked it up online and the shot should have lasted me 5 days. So back to the doctor I go.) I'm not prepared (no food, no drinks, no movies or books) for this round of bed rest, which is going to make this a very frustrating weekend.

Happy Chrismakwanzakkuh

I'm in Virginia, visiting the family and enjoying myself immensely. I don't feel like blogging. But I will say hit to Tami, Jon, Jon and Sara. Jon- we missed you. I think your kids are cute. To the others- maybe if our family wasn't so stinking big we'd get more time to talk. But it was fun to see you in the passing fleeting moments anyway.

Horatio and his 22 brothers and sisters (oh yes, I am actually going up in numbers, not down) are still here. In spite of the growing size of my kidney stone collection, I'm feeling better, thanks to my new drug collection and just plain mind over matter.

Now back to our regularly scheduled napping and holiday. Pictures and fun stuff to follow sooner or later.

Christmas With Horatio

It appears I will be taking Horatio et al home with me for Christmas. I will also be taking a large supply of Lortab home with me. Earlier this week my doctor switched me from Percocet to Lortab. And oh what a difference it has made!! With both medications I've been dealing with all of the side effects associated with them. The Percocet made me completely loopy, stoned and an emotional roller coaster. I was crying every few minutes and unable to escape the feelings of misery. 12 hours off the Percocet and on the Lortab and I was the happiest girl on the planet. Side effects of Lortab? "Unexplained happiness." I can live with this. I'm still in some pain, but I don't care much because I'm so dang happy. I wasn't functioning at all on Percocet- couldn't go to work, etc. But I'm at work and able to think on Lortab. Well, sort of. I'm a total space cadet, distracted by everything. And I'm so forgetful that I have to be careful. "Did I take my Lortab yet?" "Where's my keys?" And I'm a complete klutz. I fell down the stairs at work (nobody saw me). I've got bruises all over my arms and legs from running into walls and bed frames. Needless to say I'm not driving much. Oh, and I got lost in Wal-Mart. And by lost I mean I couldn't even tell you what store I was in, or why I was standing there holding a bag of chocolate chips. Okay, maybe I could explain the chips- to eat them of course. I also keep forgetting about Horatio. I think I'm cured and that somehow miraculously I passed all 20 stones without feeling a thing. But then the 4 hours of Lortab magic wear off and I am very painfully reminded of Horatio. I can't really forget him. But if he stays much longer I'm going to start charging him rent.

I'd Be Lucky to Have Strep

Grocery Store Clerk, eyeballing the 5 cans of soup and 3 kinds of juice on the belt: Uh oh! Someone's got the flu!

Me: I wish.

Day 10 of Horatio and counting.

Screaming, Kicking and Fighting

Well, Mr. Osbourne, it may not be kidney stones after all.

It is screaming, kicking and fighting that I go into my second weekend of bed rest and fluids. Why am I back on bed rest? Because I wasn't supposed to be off of it in the first place. After being told my kidney stone wasn't a kidney stone and talking to a specialist who wouldn't see me, and being passed around the medical community, I called my own doctor back and demanded someone actually HELP ME NOW. He was confused and said he had to go look up my scans again.
And oops.
Somehow someone somewhere misunderstood the notes. I still have the 2 big word thingys -that wasn't a mistake. But they are fairly insignificant. It's the 20 kidney stones that are the bigger and more painful problem. For reasons unknown, the nurse misread the notes to me and failed to mention the 20 kidney stones. On the "bright side," they are tiny stones that should pass without blockage. But as my doctor so kindly said, "but they are probably still quite painful." I would really like to kick him for that astute observation. Ya think? You think after 8 days of bed rest and percocet I haven't noticed that they hurt???
Treatment? Bed rest, fluids and painkillers. If you know me, you know that just sitting here with nothing to do is just as painful for me as the actual stones themselves.
So seriously, if you have ANY fun "bed rest" activities that I can do while stranded here alone, I'd love some suggestions- websites, downloads, games, ANYTHING. (reading doesn't work so well for me when i'm stoned on the percocet)

Me and My Woot

I joined the rest of the world today with the arrival of my first woot. It's a Samsung Media Player, with lots of gadgets and things I don't think I'll ever use. But so far, I love it. I've put a few hundred pictures and nearly 1,000 songs on it. And rumor has it I can put driving directions on it somehow. Maybe someday I'll find a 10 yr old who can show me how to do all of that.

Yes, I know I look awful in the picture. But let's see you do any better after a week (and still going) of being on bed rest with massive kidney pain. But isn't my woot cute?

Muerte Horatio!

Horatio continues to be the bane of my existence. Except as it turns out, Horatio is not a stone. He's something else. A big word I don't feel like spelling or explaining. Nothing has changed except he's not a stone. He still hurts and it still sucks, and I'm still taking Percocet. And I should probably stop blogging before some of the more interesting Percocet-induced thoughts slip out of my head.

Thoughts like, "It's a good Kiera Knightley is so freaking skinny, cause with her posture, if she weighed even 5 lbs more she'd have a potbelly. Not that there's anything wrong with a potbelly. I'm rather proud of my genetically inherited potbelly. One good thing about getting stoned every day on medically prescribed narcotics is that it has made me a very creative gift wrapper. All the gifts I am giving are wrapped. But they're not under a tree, cause I don't have a tree. I'm too cheap and lazy for a tree. But my sister found a cool pink one that she didn't buy for me. But I like the idea of a pink tree. It makes me giggle. Pushing Daisies hasn't gone to writer's strike reruns yet. That's bizarre. It's a really bizarre show to watch when you are stoned. Really bizarre. And why do people in Christmas commercials always wear such perfect plaid clothes? Does anyone's family really get dressed up like that? Or do they sit around in pajamas all day? Dang, that Kiera Knightley commercial is back on again. I should put the computer away before I say something too dumb."