Old Dog, New Tricks

I started a new nearly full-time job about 5 weeks ago. It has been a very crazy five weeks. On the same day I got the job offer and a book contract. Both of which required a lot of time and focus for me. I hit the ground running with my new job, and within five days of being hired put on my first big event for them. You know how when you start a new job there is a little bit of lag time and slow periods while you ramp up and learn your new position? There has been none of that with this job. Instead, every day I get asked if I'm overwhelmed (yet), and how I'm coping. I admit, I much prefer jumping in head first like this, rather than weeks of boredom. 

I get home from work, walk the dog, and immediately jump into some big huge project. Whether it's writing my own book ("When Books Fly" - which is now finished), editing a client's book, or keeping up with the never-ending duties of being the young women's president. Every single day of the last five weeks has been an exhausting marathon. 

(And I love it.) 

I passed a kidney stone (for the zillionth time) last week. My new local doctor gave me Percoset. I truly hate taking Percoset. I'd much rather take Lortab. Percoset makes me hallucinate, nauseates me, and more. I really hate the stuff. But I have to admit, taking it meant being forced to slow down and take things easy for two days. (While I mostly stared at the wall and had bizarre hallucinations about chicken and duck eggs. Don't ask. The hallucinations never make sense, but I always remember them later. Wish I didn't. This time I was afraid my car was going to get filled up with eggs. Which is slightly better than the time I hallucinated that the doctors from MASH were trying to operate on me and take my kidneys from me. It wasn't pleasant.) But I digress. 

Being back in an office, juggling clients, and managing teenage girls and their mothers, has been an all-new experience for me. I'm learning to work with personalities, keep my cool, and not give sarcastic answers in a way I've never had to control myself before. It's good for me, I think. I'm really having to focus and make an effort to be kind, polite, and yet a strong leader, without resorting to being sarcastic and flippant. Which is all to say, apparently you can teach an old dog new tricks. 

Christmas With Horatio

It appears I will be taking Horatio et al home with me for Christmas. I will also be taking a large supply of Lortab home with me. Earlier this week my doctor switched me from Percocet to Lortab. And oh what a difference it has made!! With both medications I've been dealing with all of the side effects associated with them. The Percocet made me completely loopy, stoned and an emotional roller coaster. I was crying every few minutes and unable to escape the feelings of misery. 12 hours off the Percocet and on the Lortab and I was the happiest girl on the planet. Side effects of Lortab? "Unexplained happiness." I can live with this. I'm still in some pain, but I don't care much because I'm so dang happy. I wasn't functioning at all on Percocet- couldn't go to work, etc. But I'm at work and able to think on Lortab. Well, sort of. I'm a total space cadet, distracted by everything. And I'm so forgetful that I have to be careful. "Did I take my Lortab yet?" "Where's my keys?" And I'm a complete klutz. I fell down the stairs at work (nobody saw me). I've got bruises all over my arms and legs from running into walls and bed frames. Needless to say I'm not driving much. Oh, and I got lost in Wal-Mart. And by lost I mean I couldn't even tell you what store I was in, or why I was standing there holding a bag of chocolate chips. Okay, maybe I could explain the chips- to eat them of course. I also keep forgetting about Horatio. I think I'm cured and that somehow miraculously I passed all 20 stones without feeling a thing. But then the 4 hours of Lortab magic wear off and I am very painfully reminded of Horatio. I can't really forget him. But if he stays much longer I'm going to start charging him rent.

Muerte Horatio!

Horatio continues to be the bane of my existence. Except as it turns out, Horatio is not a stone. He's something else. A big word I don't feel like spelling or explaining. Nothing has changed except he's not a stone. He still hurts and it still sucks, and I'm still taking Percocet. And I should probably stop blogging before some of the more interesting Percocet-induced thoughts slip out of my head.

Thoughts like, "It's a good Kiera Knightley is so freaking skinny, cause with her posture, if she weighed even 5 lbs more she'd have a potbelly. Not that there's anything wrong with a potbelly. I'm rather proud of my genetically inherited potbelly. One good thing about getting stoned every day on medically prescribed narcotics is that it has made me a very creative gift wrapper. All the gifts I am giving are wrapped. But they're not under a tree, cause I don't have a tree. I'm too cheap and lazy for a tree. But my sister found a cool pink one that she didn't buy for me. But I like the idea of a pink tree. It makes me giggle. Pushing Daisies hasn't gone to writer's strike reruns yet. That's bizarre. It's a really bizarre show to watch when you are stoned. Really bizarre. And why do people in Christmas commercials always wear such perfect plaid clothes? Does anyone's family really get dressed up like that? Or do they sit around in pajamas all day? Dang, that Kiera Knightley commercial is back on again. I should put the computer away before I say something too dumb."

Kidney Stones, Percocet, Stoned Thoughts and Happy Thoughts

I am discovering that I do very strange things when I'm stoned. I have been on Percocet for 4 days now. And woah. The hallucinations are insane. The dreams (where I don't really know I'm asleep which is ever more disturbing) are over the top bizarre. Oh, and I have total blackouts where I have no recollection of phone calls or text messages my phone says I have sent. Not good.

For example-
1. There was the dream where I was trying to dig through a public trash can trying to find some new clothes. And then once I found them, Sweet Pea and I went to the backyard of the Church and watched dogs hump.

2. I stood over the kitchen sink for several minutes absolutely convinced I had lost the soup in the sink. (the can was on the table)

3. There are 4 outgoing calls on my phone I have no recollection of making.

4. I forgot how to scramble eggs and vaguely recall considering scrambling them in the frying pan with my finger. I woke up as I washed my hands prior to the scrambling. The eggs were burning.

5. Never try to watch "the Matrix" while stoned and confused on narcotics. It gets very weird.

6. I can't tell if I bought a $50 toy online. I remember very vaguely looking at it and thinking about it. And then falling asleep. But when I woke back up the computer was on the check out screen. I haven't received an email saying I bought it. But who knows what email address I would have put in? And what mailing address I gave it??

The happy thought in all of this is that I think Horatio (my kidney stone's name) just might leave me tonight. And compared to what I've seen other people go through with stones, I don't think mine hurts all that bad. It sucks and I am in pain. But I'm not in horrific pain and I have Percocet. And for that, I am very grateful.