At Least I'm Honest With Myself

It has been a rough week again. Most of it was my own fault, which I freely admit. I worked 45 hours at Beretta, 13 at the other place (which forbids me from using their name on a personal website), visited my mother, and paid a little visit to the volunteer fire department. Which basically means I worked 830-530 at one place, 7-mid at the other place, commuted the hour each way, and got precious little sleep. But that isn't necessarily why I had a rough week.

It was rough because I had to have my eyes opened on a few different fronts. I wanted really really bad to keep my eyes closed. Sometimes denial is your only friend! It turns out I am far more naive than I thought. And I hate to say this part (but since you are all hear for the entertainment and drama, i'll give you your little fix), it was because of a misunderstanding over Guy #1. Some people thought they had it figured out who he is. Which was a surprise to me, and as a result I had to think about why they thought that. Reading what I have said about him, I can see where they got that idea.

Mostly it was a rough week because I had to learn what other people think about me. It is interesting to find out what other people are thinking about you, whether good or bad, or completely bizarre. I learned quite a few things about myself this week from the eyes of other people.

#1- My mother, as usual, continues to think that no matter what hte situation is, I am always the bad guy. And we wonder why I have a guilt complex?
#2- Morgain le Fey and Big Brother (commenters, friends, and co-workers)- think I am blind to my own heart and am much more naive than even I think I am.
#3- Guy #5 thinks I am a slow learner. He's off the list. Forever.
#4- My travel agent thinks I am a little crazy at times. I really can't blame him.
#5 - this one isn't going to be funny. I just can't believe I am going to even say it. But as usual, its my blog, my therapy, my venting. Right?
I've been having a rough time with a co-worker (also known as the Guy Mistaken as Guy #1) on several fronts. What used to be a good working relationship, has suddenly gone very south, and I don't really know why. Things finally got bad enough that I had to go in and confront him on why he's been so awful to me lately. (keep in mind we used to get along great, and we work very closely together. so when he dumps on me it really affects my day.) I thought I'd appeal to his male ego first and "open the lines of communication." (All those classes in interpersonal communication in college almost paid off.) I first told him that I think we're having a problem, and I know some of it is because I do things that bother him. And then I outlined a few things, such as, I'm chaotic, a whirlwind, and sometimes intense. He agreed to those things, (while he is the most intense person i have ever met, chaotic and whirlwind he is not. anal, organized, uptight, and nearly incapable of relaxing, he is.) he then proceeded to state some of the other things I do which bother him. That was good- that was the whole point in talking to him. But then he kept going! And going! And going! WOw! Well no wonder we haven't been getting along lately! Apparently there isn't one thing I have ever done right in his opinion, and naything I even get close to is probably going to get ruined just by my presence. And then he started giving me credit for some problems that I have nothing to do with. I tried very hard to deflect those without getting too adamant on the point. But then again, if you are drowning, what is another gallon or two tossed on your head, right? Anyway, much to my surprise, a person I used to consider a friend in the office really went the other way on me. I tried to get things resolved, offer some compromises, work out some solutions, etc., which I think will help. But that doesn't mean he didn't completely crush me in the process.

I told one of my co-workers about this experience (she knowing more than any other person about the situation). She asked me why I care so much- I've not gotten along with plenty of other people in the past. I had to think aobut it a little bit, and had to come to accept the answer before I could really answer her. Its because I have to be liked. Plain and simple. I don't like not being liked. I have to win everyone over. I can't live thinking that someone isn't "won over." And I used to have this person won over- I really did! I can prove it! But somehow I have done something to lose that, and its killing me.

Why am I so stubborn on this issue though? Why do I have to win him over? Why can't I just be happy anyway? Part of me is very annoyed because this is the first time I can ever recall not having won someone over. I've been trying to tell myself for the last couple of days that I can handle not having won someone over. its okay, not everyone has to call me princess, right? Not everyone has to think I am perfect and adorable, right? I don't know. I don't know if I can handle the pressure!

So all in all my rough week is all because I found out someone doesn't like me. Or, better put, someone doesn't think much of my abilities. And since I am of the personality type that can't separate "me" from my abilities, that is killing me. I really wish I could say that this could all just roll off my back and that it doesn't bother me. But instead, I'm pretty hurt and just wishing I hadn't even said anything. Going back to him just being rude to me and me not knowing why would be far better. Now I just feel paranoid that no matter what I do its not good enough around him.

Good thing I'm going to Florida for 7 days. All blogging will be from a hotel room in Orlando for the next week. A few days with Jules and the girls, a little FL sun, a peak at the beach, and 3 days on the range with 750 SWAT guys should cure the problem, right? (and oh yeah, 7 days away from the person who hurt my feelings!) Ooh, and a day with Joy and Jason (whom I haven't spent any time with in AGES) at the Punkin Chunkin Festival. And if punkin chunkin doesn't spell happiness, I don't know what does!