Clearing the Air

In the past several days I have found myself in more than one awkward situation having to explain my "non-actions." Or explaining to someone that they were not the object of a blog post or a comment I made. Or that I wasn't ignoring them. And finally, I have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to clear the air on what has been going on in my life for the last 7 months.

There will be a few people who are going to be completely and 100% pissed that I am telling my side of the story here. But I think it is time. I'm not looking to start a war. I'm just looking to clear my name and explain what happened to me.

Back in October I rekindled a friendship with someone that most of my friends would not have approved of. The person and I kept our friendship a complete secret from everyone. Then one day I accidentally spilled the beans to my roommate that I was friends with this person again. And in doing so I jokingly asked her to help keep me busy that evening so I wouldn't be tempted to go over and see him because I was sure that I did go see him, we'd made some stupid mistakes.

Several weeks later at a singles activity at my house a girl I had a known bad relationship with walked into my house and accused me of telling people that I was sleeping with that guy. She didn't make these accusations privately or quietly. I was shocked, stunned and humiliated. I couldn't believe she would come into my house and so publicly make such horrible accusations. And then she said my roommate was the one who told her that I said those things. My roommate was present. I was furious. She was the only person that I had said anything to about this guy. I yelled at her and demanded that both she and the girl go outside and finish this conversation with me. The girl proceeded to make more horrible accusations of me. Digging up stories that were close to the truth about things that I did when I was 19! It felt like a nightmare. But her biggest and worst accusation was that I had told my roommate that I was sleeping with this guy. We won't go into the stupidity of that accusation and how false it was. But for the record, I never said that I was sleeping with him and hadn't even been in the same room with the guy in over 6 months. What I had really sad was that my fear was that if I did see him, something like that might happen.

My roommate had a choice. Admit she had possibly twisted my words around and apologize to me or move out. She chose to move out. She was pissed at me for yelling at her and for what she took to be embarrassing her. (Apparently my public humiliation and/or reputation wasn't important enough to be considered.) The next day I apologized to her and again offered her the option of at least admitting to me that she gossiped horribly about me and got the facts wrong or move out. She chose to move out. Knowing that she didn't have a car or much a support system in town, I offered to go and live at my parents for a month, leaving her at our house, while she found herself a replacement. She left that night sticking me with the rent and with having to find a new roommate.

My roommate and I shared a tight knit group of friends at that point. I felt terrible that our friends were getting polarized and pulled in different directions. I didn't want anyone to feel like they had to choose between us. I was hurt and humiliated and had no desire to be social with anyone for a very long time. It was easiest for for me to just lay low and keep to myself. But it hurt that none of my friends seemed willing to even hear my side of the story. And that no one was reaching out to me.

This all happened just before Christmas, the singles conference and 2 big trips for my job. Christmas was fairly sad for me as I felt like I had no friends and no one really acknowledged me. And then the singles conference I had worked so hard to plan came and went, and again, none of my friends attended. New Years came and went and no one invited me to spend it with them. I was crushed that my friends had all seemed to turn their backs on me. But the clincher was when my birthday came and went, and again, no one even so much as sent me an email acknowledging it. Maybe it seems juvenile to get my feelings hurt over a birthday greeting, but you would have to understand that I had thrown birthday parties for every single one of my friends over the past year. (*exception- joy did remember my birthday a little late, and i didn't throw her a party, but her birthday is on christmas, so i had a good reason there.) By then I just felt like I had been slapped in the face and completely alienated by everyone.

My job had me so busy I couldn't think straight by that point. I was working like crazy and traveling non-stop. It was easier to just work and not think about how my friends were barely even pretending to know me anymore. And then I lost my job. I kept thinking that sooner or later my "friends" would ask me what happened, or check in on me. But no one ever did.

So I slipped farther away from the social scene. A new roommate had moved in by then and I really liked her, so that helped ease some of the depression I felt. But then another singles activity was held. I thought for sure that by then no one would be talking to thinking about the awful scene from before. But I was wrong! I walked into the activity and was almost immediately asked about that scene. I left and made a very conscious decision to withdraw from the social scene.

The job hunt continued. I was getting more and more frustrated that nothing was panning out. I was hurt that no one was sending me referrals or showing me any sympathy. But by then I didn't expect anything from anyone. I chose to put on a brave face and act like everything was fine.

I was interviewing like crazy for jobs in the DC area. And thought I had found the perfect job. I had interviewed multiple times with one company and wanted more than anything for that job to work out. The night before my last interview with that company I prayed long and hard about the opportunity. I wanted guidance for the interview. But the answer came to me very clearly that I was going to move to Utah. Which, trust me, was not something I had been considering up to that point. But within the week, I got a phone call from a company in Orem and I just "knew" this was the right job and I was moving.

It all happened really fast. So fast in fact that there was hardly time to think. On one hand I was glad there wasn't time to say goodbye to anyone since I hate saying goodbyes. On the other hand, it hurt that no one even tried to say goodbye (except for my cousins). I was already feeling shunned, but at that point, I just felt like I had been a fool for all the things I had done for my friends.

I was very ready to shut the door on my old life and start a new one. Sever the ties and start a new life. I have been fortunate enough to quickly make a great new group of friends here. And not having to carry around the pain and weight of how I was treated back home here has made making friends so much easier. So recently when the signs indicated that the same "friends" who hadn't been there for me over the last few months were encroaching on my new life here, I was less than happy. I'm still not. I still feel like it's just another example of a lack of loyalty in my "friends" that they would choose to approach my friends here without speaking to me. But after everything that has happened, nothing surprises me anymore.

I've always been a loyal person. I'm not a competitive person. I'm not even a fighter. I take the blame to preserve other people's dignity. I believe in passing along good favors and in karma. I would never go behind another person's back. I'm an "out in the sunshine" kind of person.

There will be some people who are pissed beyond belief that I have just said all of this. And there will be several more who read a lot more into this than they should. And several will think I posted it about them specifically. They would all be wrong. I posted it because I'm tired of everyone somehow thinking I was the bad guy back in November and that I up and left everyone. I'm tired of people having to hide that they are my friend.

I'll leave this post up for a few days and then I'm password protecting my blog. I had 94 readers on a daily basis. And while that is slightly flattering it also bothers me. I don't know who many of the people are. And I don't know how they are using the information they learn about me. And considering all I have been through, I've decided I'd like to know who knows what is going on in my life. So if you would like to get the password so you can read it, please send me an email- erinannie 17 at hotmail com (if you aren't smart enough to figure out the real address from there, you shouldn't be using a computer).