I have survived my first week on my new job of working from home for invisible people in other states and countries. And just let me say, it is really hard working from home for people you don't know and don't see, and then at the end of the day, not having a social support network. I sit all day alone in my apartment on my computer, and then when the whistle blows, I still have nothing to do but sit all day alone in my apartment on my computer.
I've been putting some thought into things. Am I unhappy here because I really have such a pathetic social life? Or that I have nearly lost all desire to have one because I rarely meet any quality people? Or is it plain and simple, that I am currently leading a completely unmeaningful life?
Not to get too new age here, but I do think there is something to be said for living a purpose driven life. I also know I am not alone when I say that working in marketing is anything but a purpose driven life. If anything, you have to do so much more to overcome the fact that you work in marketing to feel like you make a contribution. And I do try to do worthwhile things. I volunteer with Boys and Girls Club when I can, and I do the Big Sister thing. And I love doing both, but it isn't enough. At church I am invisible, which is a very new thing for me to grasp still. I'm sure most of my real friends and family can't even conceive of me not being involved at church. But I'm not. I just don't fit in, in spite of my willingness to contribute. It's a big family ward, and well, the one single girl just doesn't have much to contribute I guess.
There's nothing to motivate me these days. Nothing to get excited about. No purpose driving me.
I like money, don't get me wrong. But when all I am doing is working to make more money for more clothes and food, I don't care much. I'm a passionate person. I miss having a passion!
I've never felt this way before. I've always had so much going on! I keep thinking change is just around the bend. But while my life has been full of change for the past year and a half, there still isn't purpose. Has anyone else ever felt this way? How do you get over it?
PS- please do not say something about getting out and dating more. If anything meeting yet another 35 year old "man" who still lives with his parents, has a lame ass job, and saves us up his money to buy more video games and snowmobiles, just depresses me.
ERin- your post rings MORE truth then most posts in the blogosphere! I say- since you are working from home- and can move anywhere- move away and come here to Texas! It is very important to have a passion and a purpose driven life- and i think you just need a change of scenery:)
ReplyDeleteYou really hit the nail on this post- that is why I love your blog! It is so honest and open-- and tells it like it is.
Being 36 myself...I'd even take the "man" living at home and the lame job; however, I think a deal breaker for me would, in fact, be the video games. :)
ReplyDeleteWe all need a Bertie in our pocket to lead the way. :o)
ReplyDeleteIf nothing else, we can always be passionate about chocolate...
I can empathize in some strange way - moving from a city, big company, highly involved in a lot of things ... to a new place, small companies, not involved and a new mom who works full-time. Changes galore and nothing feels quite "right" (other than the mom part - but is one really a mother if all she does is get Woodstock up, dressed, off to the sitter's, back home, fed, cuddled and off to bed?)
ReplyDeleteFitting in is tough. I've started reading a lot of non-fiction - learning new things. And today I went back to doing yoga in my basement so I can take up running. I'll let you know how that goes.
Still working on figuring out how to feel purposeful.
You know I relate sister!
ReplyDelete(weird wording huh? Oh well.)
At least you get work now and then. I spend way too much time at the computer - reading other people's blogs - and don't even get outside because I punish myself with things like.... I can't go outside until I wash the dishes and clean the kitchen - then I don't bother to do the dishes so I don't end up even going for a walk!
However... job interview tomorrow (Tuesday) Prayers please.
Part of me feels resigned that I won't get it anyway... but the other part realizes this interview came out of the blue - so long after I've given up - so maybe God is working on it!
long time reader first time poster
ReplyDeleteWhile I dont live at home I do play some video games. I dont own a console rather I play a bit of online, for most of us uber geeks who have no shot at women it is our social network. It is our release. It is our version of calling and chatting with the girls for hours on end or disappearing into the "heaving bosums, thrusting loin" books.
We have no real shot at real women we have no real social graces we are generally intimidated and scared of the sisters since what we hear is no nO NO. Many of us who do have decent jobs but are the geeks cant look women in the eye and certinly cant talk to them mainly because we are/have been marked as objects to be ignored or mocked. We are weak and not bold and not what women want especially the sisters of the church who claim to want bold, Capt Moroni figures, torn shirts, rippling muscles, prophets of God or at least "man" enough to ask someone out.
Wow that seemes a bit more bitter than I actually am. I am not particularly bitter, defeated and pathetic yes; bitter not so much. Sorry gotta get back to my online life where I can be so much more than I am in the real world
-me