Answers to Prayers

I don't write too often here about my religious experiences and faith. I do write a lot about my churchgoing activities. But those are not the same as religious experiences. I usually choose not to share my faith because I don't care to share something so personal with an anonymous audience who may choose to criticize me for it. Call it "pearls before swine," although that would make you, the reader, the swine.
But today I feel like sharing a little bit. Why? Because along with the answers came a strong feeling that I should share it.
Recently I suffered a serious setback in one area of my life. It broke my heart. All of my hard work, efforts, and good intentions meant nothing. Someone who quite frankly didn't know what they were talking about, held all of the control in a situation, and pretty much chose to hurt me. There were a lot of ways the situation could have gone, where the person could have still exercised their control, but s/he chose the route that personally hurt me.
A lot of tears were shed over the situation. A lot. It's not often that an adult would take such measured calculations to inflict pain on another adult. But it happened.
I was left with a lot of questions along with the sadness. I was sad that someone would seek to hurt me so personally. I was hurt. And most of all, I wanted out. (And still do.) I can't think of one reason why anyone would chose to stay in a situation where such ill will is dished out.
So I prayed for an answer on how to handle the situation. I prayed for the strength to not rush back in there and yell at the other person and inflict pain of my own on them. I prayed for a huge, big, obvious answer on what to do next. The words I used specifically in my prayer were "I need an answer as big as a billboard." Because in my emotional state of mind, if it wasn't that big and obvious, I wouldn't be able to see it.
And I got my answer the very next morning. Things that never happen happened. We're talking packages arrived early even as the tracking information was still saying it wasn't coming for days. A news article publishing on exactly the right day. An email from a friend with exactly the right words and timing.
The answer I got reminded me that it's okay for things to be hard. In fact, they will probably always be hard. But there is a path laid out for me to follow, and setbacks can be a part of that path. And that there are answers to prayers that can be as big and obvious as a billboard, right when you need them the most. 

When the going gets tough

Things have been tough lately.
I feel like I've started off way too many blog posts with those words. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any less true.
I don't just feel like things have been tough, they have been tough. And as usual, I'm not truly at liberty to share much about it except my own feelings.
I haven't had much control over many of the circumstances in my own life. That alone is hard for me. I'm a very independent, strong-willed woman. Unfortunately, I can't say that I've been self-reliant lately. I want to be self-reliant, but I've had no choice but to let a lot of other people be a part of my life, and control major details.
There have been people in my life that are just plain difficult to deal with, be around, and accept. As much as I wish I could cut them out of my life, that hasn't been an option.
And then there is my job situation. Let me make something clear, it is NOT easy being a writer. The pay is inconsistent and not dependable at all. I am very grateful that I've had some part-time work for the last several weeks. And now that work has changed into full-time permanent work. I am very excited to have a job again, and get back on my way to self-reliance (at least in this one respect).
I am also very grateful and happy that I just got a new book contract! A non-fiction book that I submitted a few months ago to my publisher has been accepted. So it's time to start the publishing process all over again. (I'm going to be really busy between the new job and the book!)
I wish I were at liberty to dump all my problems out there in detail to share. But I'm not. I know it would make things worse and not better. But writing is how I express myself, and that makes it hard for me to not share.
The issues of late have had me on edge, constantly on the defensive, and exhausted. So many things that I normally love have become a huge burden. I've had to really rely on my faith to get through much of this ordeal. My prayers are constant pleas for patience, kindness, forgiveness, and love. Not to mention, the strength to endure this constant trial.
And yet, through all of this, I have never before felt such a closeness with my Heavenly Father. I have a firm belief and understanding that I was meant to be here to endure these trials. That is not all a big mistake. I have been prepared and strengthened for all that is happening, and I need to hold to that knowledge so that I can be strong enough to endure.
I know that many of these trials are not mine to bear. I have learned to let others help me, and trust them to do their parts. It's not easy, and it really isn't pretty. But I've learned to accept that this is how things must be for the time being.
I don't know that I have yet reached the point where my broken spirit can say I am grateful for these struggles. And it might be a really long time before I ever can say that. But for now I can say that I am grateful for a faith strong enough to accept this new reality.
And I can pray for the strength and faith to endure what I cannot yet handle. 

Faith, Patience, and Love Come at a Price

There have been a few things going on in my life lately that I am not at liberty to really discuss or reveal. They have been of an interpersonal relationship, miscommunications, accusations, and short temper nature. And it has really started to take its toll on me.
I feel like I spend much of my time walking on eggshells around certain people. I have to be on constant guard regarding what I say or do. And I have to be hyper-vigilant that I don't do anything that someone could take out of context to use against me.
It has been an uncomfortable and unhappy period in my life. Just to add salt to the wound, it is happening during what I had expected to be a fairly happy and enjoyable period. I never could have seen this coming or have been prepared for it. It's just one of those unexpected life twists that come and rock your entire world, possibly changing your course forever.
I wish I could explain more or give details. But I have no doubt that the person it involves would find the details and somehow use it against me, even if I only spoke straight facts with no emotion or bias.
I have had to work harder than I ever have before in my life to control my emotions and not react to a situation. It breaks my heart that we are all having to go through this. It all seems so unnecessary. I have learned I have levels of patience I never before imagined I had. And I have had to rely on faith in a way I never have needed to before.
I was struck this week with a new thought. In 2 Nephi 2:11 it reads, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things..." This current period in my life I had expected to be easy and full of love for everyone involved. But now we are all forced to think twice, learn, and rely on faith. If it had been easy for all of us, we would not have grown from the experience. But with this unexpected force of opposition, we must find our own strength and will grow to be better people as we struggle to get through it.
I am trying to take this thought and be grateful for the difficulty, and rely on my faith and knowledge of the scriptures to get me through. I believe it has helped me immensely to find the patience and love I need to get through this, to know that there must needs be opposition in all things.
If all things have a reason or purpose for happening, and there must be opposition in all things, then I can endure this experience and be better for it in the end.
Love, faith, and patience don't come easy. They often come at a price and take a toll on a person. But that doesn't mean they aren't worth it in the end. 

Men Are That They Might Have Joy?

It's time to pull out the same picture I use over and over again when my heart is in emotional turmoil. 

My stormy seas picture gets used every time I'm faced with complications, confusion, and heartbreak. 

The picture of the skydiver - 

- is what I use when I've made a decision, and I'm jumping into the unknown. 

But the stormy seas picture is for when I don't know what to do, or when I'm not ready to accept my options. And today it's all about the stormy seas. 

This scripture has been on my mind a lot lately. 

 2 Nephi 2:25, 27 

Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

"Men are that they might have joy." 

I struggle with this. I wish that I didn't. I hate that I struggle with it. I envy people who believe that everything around them is always good. I get annoyed by people who use this scripture to justify narcissistic or selfish behavior and choices. 

Over the past several years, particularly through my long stints and trials of unemployment, it has been very hard to believe that I am that I "might have joy." It all too often feels like my entire life is designed to be a punishment or to really define where my breaking point is. 

Today was another roller coaster of emotions for me. Things I firmly believed and accepted to be true, and that I am supposed to have joy, were nearly impossible to accept at the end of the day. In one moment I could believe that answers to prayers were found, and I was about to say goodbye to some of my biggest struggles. And then in the next moment, in just the course of a simple conversation with a friend, I learned nearly be accident, that I was completely wrong about my answers. 

In a few more weeks I will have to accept that someone else's selfish actions will profoundly change my life. (To be more honest, I've already accepted that those actions will have a negative impact on me. But in a few weeks, I will have to make the necessary changes to my life as a result of those actions.) Accepting that I have to take an option that I don't want, I don't like, and will make me profoundly unhappy, is what makes it so hard to accept "men are that they might have joy."

I know we each struggle with our own issues of faith. But this one is mine. I struggle to believe and accept that we are supposed to have joy, when my life has turned out so very far off from what I wanted. I have found joy in the life that I have. But I have had more "trials" than happiness in the last 7 years. Where is the joy? Where is the end of the struggles? Where is the path that leads to my joy? 

I have no answers. I have no neat and tidy way to wrap this up. All I can say is that I guess my hope is tied up in believing that this scripture is true. That men are that they might have joy. I do believe it. And as such, I will continue to have the faith that my situation will improve. Things will change and get better. I will find joy. Somewhere, somehow. 

Trust in the Lord - Quote

Women and the Priesthood

Over a year ago I wrote my thoughts on Mormon Women and the Priesthood. I had forgotten I wrote it. I ran across it my accident today. After re-reading I find that my thoughts and feelings on the matter have not changed.
Seeing as this is a very divisive hot topic right now, I wanted to share my post again, and add a few more thoughts.
First, I believe there is nothing wrong with asking for change. Encouraging and creating conversation is a good thing, and I support it. It is an all together different thing to "demand" change, and to call for insurrection and rebellion when you do not get your way.
Second, there are a few people I know and love, who find that their testimonies and faith are shaken this week, as events transpire regarding Ordain Women. I beg you and implore you to ask yourself one essential, important question. Do you follow the prophet? Or do you follow man's ideas (her)? You can feel great sympathy for her, and I know that you do. I support you in your love and sympathy for others. But before this all goes too far, please ask yourself which you believe in more- the Gospel or the cause? Do you follow and sustain the prophet? Or do you believe her accusations of a conspiracy? Because it seems to me that you cannot believe both.


My thoughts from last year - http://www.erinannie.com/2013/04/a-single-mormon-woman-reflects-on-women.html

I Will Keep the Faith

In my column yesterday ("Elections, Facebook, and the Throne of Thoughtless Stupor") I quoted Elder Neal A. Maxwell.  (For my non-Mormon friends, he was a much beloved leader in our Church who was known for not only his incredible knowledge and understanding of the scriptures, but his beautiful way with words. Check out this YouTube clip of him talking about Jesus Christ and the Universe. It's wonderful.)

“The same God that placed that star in a precise orbit millennia before it appeared over Bethlehem in celebration of the birth of the Babe has given at least equal attention to placement of each of us in precise human orbits so that we may, if we will, illuminate the landscape of our individual lives, so that our light may not only lead others but warm them as well.”

I have often turned to this quote when I question  what is the point of my life- under- or unemployed, single, no children, no spouse to share my life with, no one person to cherish and love me. And the world around me seems to make it impossible for me to succeed- bad economy, painfully low income, remote location, bad job market, etc. But this quote gives me hope (much more than any presidential candidate ever has). 

I said yesterday in my column, and I will try to say it again in my heart again today, that if the Lord can place a star over a stable, and that the placement of my life in this humanly orbit is no mistake, then I have no choice but to believe that something and someone as important as the President of the United States is not just the will of the people (because I must believe that all those people are here at this time and place as purposefully as my existence is), but the will of the Lord as well. 

And so even though I am heartbroken and sad, and felt that much of my personal opportunities and happiness were tied up in the results of this election, I will accept the results and move on. (And I will not cave in to the tendencies of so many to become a “doomsday prepper.”) I will wake up each day and remind myself that this is what the Lord wants and has allowed, and continue on with the belief that He will never leave me without opportunities and choice. 

It is my job to be happy and keep the faith no matter my circumstance. And if there is anything I have worked hard on these last 3 years it is finding joy in spite of difficulties. I will soldier on in God’s Army and choose to find joy, no matter what, and keep up my faith that the Lord will provide.

And one last quote-

“It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.” - President Gordon B. Hinckley

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