dear diary

Dear Diary, 

Life continues to move at a crazy fast pace. In the last few days I have registered for college classes (prerequisites for my masters degree), picked up 2.5 freelance part-time jobs, which includes promoting another movie (which is a ton of fun to do, and a ton of work), gone on real job interviews,  applied for more jobs, worked as an extra on 2 different projects (1 movie, 1 commercial), written (and got it published) a letter to the editor, prepared for the trip to Greece, and recorded my audition pieces for a choir. 

Oh the things I am capable of when not saddled with a 9-5 job. Speaking of jobs, as crazy as it sounds, if I can keep working as an extra 5 or so times a month, plus do these 2 freelance part-time jobs, and then also work a 10 hr/wk part-time job in social work, I may be able to actually support myself, and not get a "real" job. It's not as bad as it sounds. And it would give me a lot of flexibility as I start taking classes again. 

Who would have ever imagined I'd finally bite the bullet and go back for my masters at age 42? I won't finish until I'm 45, which seems absolutely crazy. But I'm glad I'm doing it. It's relieving and exciting to finally pursue a dream I've always had. I will no longer just be a volunteer doing humanitarian work. But I will be able to eventually do humanitarian work full-time for a cause I greatly care about (fighting sex trafficking). 

I think this year I will also break my personal record for number of countries visited and trips abroad. Technically a few years ago I went to Russia, Romania, Serbia, and Mexico all in a 1 yr period. That was my previous record to beat. If all goes according to plan, I will have visited England, Germany, Holland, Greece, and Canada within this year. (Still working out a possible layover where I might get to add a 6th country to that list.)

The world just keeps spinning faster and faster on me. I've never been more grateful for my diverse set of skills that allows me to do so many things. I just never would have guessed that I'd be drawing on my marketing, creative/music, and medical skills all at the same time. 

Be gentle with me, Universe. Sooner or later I'm going to spin off my axis. 

I Sing the Songs

Y'all, I had my first voice lesson today in over 10 years. Maybe even longer than that.
And it was awesome. I'm so much more motivated to sing and go through with some upcoming auditions now. In just one hour the vocal coach managed to produce new tones and quality out of me that I didn't know I could make. It was exciting.
I grew up singing. I was on a stage performing nearly once a week from ages 12-18. I was always good choir stock, but never a soloist. It took years for me to develop a good musical ear, and it had to be taught. It didn't come naturally for me. And then my voice didn't change in my late teens like it does for most girls. My voice took its dear sweet time and waited until my late twenties to finally change and develop. And of course by then I wasn't singing very often. So in many respects, I'm just now really coming into my matured adult voice. And I love it. I was never able to sound or sing like this before. I can do things now that I could never do when I was younger with my voice.
It's an exciting journey. I can't wait to see where it goes from here. 

I Got Old

Can the internet handle it if I write a real blog post for a change?
I can't remember how long it has been since I wrote a real post. I even had to go look up my password again. Things are definitely different today than they were just a few years ago, aren't they?
Which is sort of what has me in a writing mood- how things are different now.
The last 6 weeks have tired me out. I feel like I've aged a decade in the past month. And when you look at all that I've done to myself in that time, it's really no wonder that I feel like that.
I've had a great deal of dental work done.
I've given blood.
I've donated platelets.
I started wearing glasses again. (And my prescription changed significantly for the first time in years.)
I started sitting on a "bouncy ball chair" while at work to improve my posture and core muscles.
I started a new home self care regime (vitamins, eating habits, etc).
I had a head cold from hell that made me the sickest I have ever experienced. And it took about 3 weeks to really recover from.
And I hiked up a mountain, in the snow, in the worst possible shoes for the occasion.
In other words, I've beat the heck out of my body! Considering all my body has been through this month, is it really so surprising I feel beat up and exhausted?
I've always been a night owl, naturally tending to stay up till 11 or 12 most nights, and still be up by 7 for work. Now that's all changed, and I'm in bed by 9 most of the time.
I got old this month. I finally went over the hill. I feel my real age.
I hope I get used to this soon. 

Personal Life Reboot

I'm going through a personal life reboot right now. Yet again, through events completely out of my control, the world has been turned upside down on me. A month ago I was the church youth group leader (YW president), and then released completely unexpectedly. And then last week my job came to an abrupt (but welcome) end. (I had expected my job to last 2 more months.)
Not bad changes.
Just completely unexpected changes.
Suddenly, I have nothing to do. And I really do mean absolutely nothing.
I do have a book launch I'm slowly getting through. And I'm writing a book as much as my muse allows me. But really, no obligations, events, time sucks, etc. going on.
I've forgotten how to be this way.
But before I can figure out what comes next, I'm doing a very intentional personal life reboot. I'm reading books that have meant something to me and guided me professionally. I'm contacting mentors for advice. Organizing my material objects. Indulging in some creative activities. And really making sure I know what my priorities are, so that I can make a plan on how to achieve and focus on those priorities.

Some of the books that have helped me figure life out include the following

Who Moved My Cheese? 

This book, told as a story about mice in a maze, is about adjusting attitudes toward change in life, especially at work. Change occurs whether you are ready or not, but the book affirms that it can be positive. I come back to this book every time an outside force moves the cheese on me (again). 

A Sequence of Little Nudges

My friend Rebecca wrote this book (and I helped edit and format it). She is a training and organizations expert that really understands the process it takes to set a goal and work towards it. Most importantly she understands and values the importance of motivation to help you get going and stay moving. This isn't a feel-good story book. It's more factual and yet casual. A good one to come back to when I am contemplating new ideas and goals for the future. 

Outliers; The Story of Success

Some people may consider this a strange book for me to count in my list of personal life reboot books. But this was one of the most life-changing books I've ever read. Malcolm Gladwell (one of the greatest writers in modern times, if not the 21st century) explains the extraordinary success of some very high profile people- Bill Gates, the Beatles, etc. And he explains their personal backgrounds and experiences that led to their exceptional success. For me, to understand how and why some people have achieved such remarkable success, while others who are equally talented and smart have not, really hit home. It wasn't about being the smartest or most talented. And in some cases it wasn't about hard work either. In many (if not most) it was about timing- being in the right place at the right time. Bill Gates wouldn't be Bill Gates if he hadn't grown up in an affluent neighborhood in Seattle at precisely the time he did. The Beatles wouldn't be a phenomenon if they hadn't accepted one of the worst gigs ever in Hamburg. (leading to what is now known as the Hamburg principle.) 

And like some people have had extraordinary success all due to timing, some people have encountered more setbacks, through no fault of their own, due to timing. He doesn't address failure much at all. But the converse of what he did talk about is what made a huge difference to me when contemplating some of my own successes and failures. 

For instance, I had a major professional setback for several years. Why? For a long time I struggled with the "why" question. Why couldn't I get a job? Why did I get laid off? Why did some friends seem to have so much success, while I kept getting setback further and further? This book helped me find the answers to the why. 

And helped me start seeing my way to success.

And so it goes

Oh, hello Blog, I see I've been neglecting you again. Sorry about that. Well, sorry, not sorry. Sometimes I just don't care anymore.
But today I've got a gerbillion things on my mind, and the thought occurred to me to blog them. But then, most of them are private things that I don't want to share. What can I say? I confuse even myself sometimes.
In less interesting news, today I was forced to accept that I have yet again burned out another laptop keyboard. It's not all that surprising how fast I go through laptops considering how long I spend on the computer each day. I think 2 years was the longest I've managed to hold on to a laptop before having to upgrade again. I can't be sure, but I think this one is now going into its third year of life. Practically a dinosaur in my world. But alas, the keyboard is about to die on me again. I type so fast and hard that I literally kill keyboards. And it usually costs more to replace a keyboard than it would be to buy a new computer. So if my capitalization is a little wonky today, you'll know why. (My left side shift key has officially quit on me.)
Tomorrow I start a brave new journey that will require a lot of lifestyle changes for me. I won't get into the details about it. Not yet anyway. Maybe in a few weeks if all is going well, or maybe if they go absolutely awful. We shall see. I'm nervous about the changes, but I'm more nervous that after I make all the effort, dedication, and changes, I won't get the results I want. I'm not normally prone to being nervous or anxious, but in the rare off day, today I am. I don't think I could handle the disappointment if after all I am about to put myself through, it doesn't work out.
Because, sometimes, that feels like the story of my life. No matter how hard I try to reach personal goals, something completely out of my control derails it. And that can be very hard to rebound from.
And so it goes.
Sorry to be so vague. I want to talk about my feelings, but I don't want to expose my situation. Not yet anyway.
Feelings. So many feelings. 

Old Dog, New Tricks

I started a new nearly full-time job about 5 weeks ago. It has been a very crazy five weeks. On the same day I got the job offer and a book contract. Both of which required a lot of time and focus for me. I hit the ground running with my new job, and within five days of being hired put on my first big event for them. You know how when you start a new job there is a little bit of lag time and slow periods while you ramp up and learn your new position? There has been none of that with this job. Instead, every day I get asked if I'm overwhelmed (yet), and how I'm coping. I admit, I much prefer jumping in head first like this, rather than weeks of boredom. 

I get home from work, walk the dog, and immediately jump into some big huge project. Whether it's writing my own book ("When Books Fly" - which is now finished), editing a client's book, or keeping up with the never-ending duties of being the young women's president. Every single day of the last five weeks has been an exhausting marathon. 

(And I love it.) 

I passed a kidney stone (for the zillionth time) last week. My new local doctor gave me Percoset. I truly hate taking Percoset. I'd much rather take Lortab. Percoset makes me hallucinate, nauseates me, and more. I really hate the stuff. But I have to admit, taking it meant being forced to slow down and take things easy for two days. (While I mostly stared at the wall and had bizarre hallucinations about chicken and duck eggs. Don't ask. The hallucinations never make sense, but I always remember them later. Wish I didn't. This time I was afraid my car was going to get filled up with eggs. Which is slightly better than the time I hallucinated that the doctors from MASH were trying to operate on me and take my kidneys from me. It wasn't pleasant.) But I digress. 

Being back in an office, juggling clients, and managing teenage girls and their mothers, has been an all-new experience for me. I'm learning to work with personalities, keep my cool, and not give sarcastic answers in a way I've never had to control myself before. It's good for me, I think. I'm really having to focus and make an effort to be kind, polite, and yet a strong leader, without resorting to being sarcastic and flippant. Which is all to say, apparently you can teach an old dog new tricks. 

When the going gets tough

Things have been tough lately.
I feel like I've started off way too many blog posts with those words. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any less true.
I don't just feel like things have been tough, they have been tough. And as usual, I'm not truly at liberty to share much about it except my own feelings.
I haven't had much control over many of the circumstances in my own life. That alone is hard for me. I'm a very independent, strong-willed woman. Unfortunately, I can't say that I've been self-reliant lately. I want to be self-reliant, but I've had no choice but to let a lot of other people be a part of my life, and control major details.
There have been people in my life that are just plain difficult to deal with, be around, and accept. As much as I wish I could cut them out of my life, that hasn't been an option.
And then there is my job situation. Let me make something clear, it is NOT easy being a writer. The pay is inconsistent and not dependable at all. I am very grateful that I've had some part-time work for the last several weeks. And now that work has changed into full-time permanent work. I am very excited to have a job again, and get back on my way to self-reliance (at least in this one respect).
I am also very grateful and happy that I just got a new book contract! A non-fiction book that I submitted a few months ago to my publisher has been accepted. So it's time to start the publishing process all over again. (I'm going to be really busy between the new job and the book!)
I wish I were at liberty to dump all my problems out there in detail to share. But I'm not. I know it would make things worse and not better. But writing is how I express myself, and that makes it hard for me to not share.
The issues of late have had me on edge, constantly on the defensive, and exhausted. So many things that I normally love have become a huge burden. I've had to really rely on my faith to get through much of this ordeal. My prayers are constant pleas for patience, kindness, forgiveness, and love. Not to mention, the strength to endure this constant trial.
And yet, through all of this, I have never before felt such a closeness with my Heavenly Father. I have a firm belief and understanding that I was meant to be here to endure these trials. That is not all a big mistake. I have been prepared and strengthened for all that is happening, and I need to hold to that knowledge so that I can be strong enough to endure.
I know that many of these trials are not mine to bear. I have learned to let others help me, and trust them to do their parts. It's not easy, and it really isn't pretty. But I've learned to accept that this is how things must be for the time being.
I don't know that I have yet reached the point where my broken spirit can say I am grateful for these struggles. And it might be a really long time before I ever can say that. But for now I can say that I am grateful for a faith strong enough to accept this new reality.
And I can pray for the strength and faith to endure what I cannot yet handle. 

Operating Normally

Just getting ready for Star Wars to come out with a little cosplay, and rewatching all 6 films. Obviously.

In the past few weeks and months I have been making an effort to be more mindful of my own actions. To do this I take the time to review old blog posts, Facebook posts, Twitter, etc., and look for patterns and repeat behavior and emotions. (After all, blogging is the new journaling, or at least it was 10 years ago, right?)
If there is one thing I have caught on to it is my tendency to write out my busy-ness lists. I'm frequently a busy person, with 500 priorities at once, (followed by long dry spells), and tend to blog/share my list of current crazies.
I can't decide if this is good or bad. Should I keep doing it? I can't decide. I know why I do it. it's because that is what is on my mind- my 500 things to do that are outside the realm of normal, every day to-do. I rarely mention when life is average and normal. Or at least, I haven't done that in about 5 years.
Is the problem that I get into crazy states? Or is it a needed mental release to write it all out for my own sanity? I'm sure there is someone out there who thinks when I write it all out I'm bragging or something. I assure you, that's never it. If anything, I'm looking for commiseration.
This week I don't need commiseration. Things are completely crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it. I'm planning a wedding reception for a dear friend on Saturday. I haven't had a budget and time to plan an awesome party like this in a long time. This really is going to be a beautiful, memorable event. I can't wait!
My parents are leaving on their mission to Samoa in less than 2 weeks. Our family and household are in full mission prepping mode right now. It's an interesting mix of excitement, reluctance, urgency, and organization.
I'm the young women's organization president at our church/ward. That keeps me hopping right along. There's no end to all of the time, work, and effort that job requires.
I'm incredibly blessed to have some freelance work on my plate right now. It's all social media related, which has been a nice change of pace for me. Lately all I've done is writing/editing work, so it has been nice to re-submerge myself into social media. And it's just nice to have some work to do at all.
I'm still writing and working on various projects. I still have high hopes of starting a new business here in Roanoke sooner or later. (I just need about $20,000 more to make it happen.)
In other words, my life is in a constant change of flux and crazy, which is to say, all is operating normally.

Who's the crazy girl now?

Just when I think my life is dull and boring, the Universe likes to prove me horribly wrong. What craziness am I to today?
-Proofing my book, "Sharing the Gospel through Social Media," that comes out February 10th. (Published by Cedar Fort Books.)
- Planning a dear friend's wedding- WITH LESS THAN 2 WEEKS' NOTICE! The crazy girl will have a less than 3 week engagement. But then maybe I'm the crazy one for taking on her reception with just 2 weeks and no money to pull it off!
- Christmas, because you know, it's Christmastime and all
- Working part-time
- Writing another book that I'd really like to have finished by Dec 31
- Working for 2 different clients on book editing, formatting, and marketing stuff
- All that other life stuff!

Back from the dead- I mean the midsingles conference!

For the past several months I've been so completely engrossed in planning the midsingles conference that my blog had to take a back burner. If I had time to sit, relax, and write like that, I had time to be working on the conference. 

But the conference is finally over! And I'm slowly coming back to life! The recovery period from the conference has taken a little (lot) longer than I anticipated. For some reason I thought all I would need was a few days to sleep and unwind and I'd be back to normal. That was just crazy talk! Instead it has taken 3 full weeks of sleeping and just letting it all go! 

My spark of imagination and creativity is starting to come back as well. I actually want to write again. Finally!

Which reminds me that I haven't actually blogged about the conference itself. Maybe I will write something more descriptive later. But for now, here are the details-

We had 510 attendees. Considering when we started this process we were planning on 350-400, that was an overwhelming and amazing turnout. 

Our conference was different from all other conferences ever for several reasons. But the biggest and most important reason was that early on I had a phone call with Elder Clayton Christensen, who advised me to try something different. I took his advice and that changed everything. Most conferences take an approach of entertain and educate. That's all they do. They figure all it takes is you stick a bunch of singles all in one place and keep them occupied, and they will meet and marry. Right? Isn't that how it all works? 

Well, according to Elder Christensen, there is far more to it than that. He told us that if you want to get to know someone, you need to solve a problem with them. That's how you really see what a person is like, and learn about them. So he suggested that we have him speak for an hour about the problem and problem solving. We then had another speaker give more specifics on the problem. From there, we broke everyone up into small groups to "solve" the problem. 

The problem we chose was the singles program. We asked 510 single adults to sit down in groups of 20 and come up with their ideas for how they would restructure the singles program in the church. 

I was so nervous! This method had been tried in Boston and I had heard very good things. But it was very hard to pitch this idea to people and get them excited. I felt like I spent months trying to hype it up via word of mouth. 

Blessedly, people loved this. They loved solving the problem and feeling like they made a difference. They loved getting to meet people. They really liked this very new format! I am getting so much feedback about how much people enjoyed the small groups. I am so glad we did it!

My big thing that I wanted from the very beginning of the planning process was wanting a matchmaking opportunity. When I was in high school I went to a youth conference where we took a personality test in advance, and when we arrived at the conference they gave us a list of the people we matched with. I really wanted to make this happen, but I have to admit, making it happen was one of the most difficult parts of this conference. Finally in the eleventh hour a great possibility came up and we made it work. Again, I am so glad we did this! It turned out great!!  When people arrived on Friday night we gave them their list of matches. Immediately people dove right into it, looking around to meet their matches. I have to laugh about it now, but for a few minutes we actually had to stop the party and convince people to walk into the main room! Everyone was clogging up the reception area while they stood around and looked at their lists. Nobody was walking into the actual party! It was the first of many times I would hear myself say, "this is a good problem to have." 

And believe me, I said that a lot over the course of the weekend. 

I'm not in the mood right now to give a play by play of the whole weekend. So I'll stop here and save the rest for some other day. 

Getting to plan this conference was a huge responsibility and a great blessing. I have made so many wonderful friends and seen the best in so many people. I stretched my own abilities (and patience and endurance) farther than ever knew was possible before. And every last bit of it was worth it to see so many people enjoying themselves and making new friends. Out of 510 attendees, we only had one negative feedback email. (And that person really was quite ridiculous. She stayed for 30 minutes, didn't participate in anything, and left. Her loss.) 

When I got this calling back in January, I went home and cried. I didn't cry because I knew it would be a ton of work. I cried because I knew that when you try to put on an event for 510 (350) people to come closer to God, the adversary is going to work his hardest on you to keep you from reaching your goal. And that had me scared and humbled enough to cry. 

And I cried the day it was all over and we survived. We won. We pulled it off! 

The last thing I want to say is that none of this could have happened without our amazing team of volunteers. I had an incredible co-chair/partner in Derek. We never once divvied up who would handle what, except that I insisted he handle the money. We just equally carried the weight and helped each other out. (Ladies, I can't stop singing his praises. He's pretty dang amazing.) We had 4 women (Nichole, Valerie, Kimberly, and Candace) who each carried the weight of a big event/detail (FOOD!). Derek and I handled everything else, and trusted them to do their parts. All in all, we had 121 volunteers kick in and help pull this conference off. (510 attendees and 121 volunteers- is there any wonder we were exhausted?) 

Co-chair Derek and me acting like we're not ridiculously tired and running solely on caffeine. 

Moving on up!

Recently it feels like every day and week is capped by a list of accomplishments (and failures). This week it was writing new articles for the Fool, packing up my apartment, moving, and surviving my first truly bad "back experience." But that's just the not so fun stuff.
There have been plenty of fun things too. I joined a few friends at the DC version of Comic Con, known as Awesome Con. I had a lot of fun, and think that this new, fledgling competitive con will only get better with time and experience. I've been to the movies, out to dinner, and spent some great time with friends and family lately.
But mostly I've been writing. I'm enjoying working on a few new writing projects. My brain never stops thinking about my new characters and stories. When I'm writing, I'm thinking I should be working on other things. And when I'm working on other things all I want to do is write.
It's a fun problem to have.
Hopefully I'll finish one of these projects and have something to show for all of it soon.
Meanwhile, there are lots of crazy developments afoot. Big, huge ones. The kind that requires visas and plane tickets. (And I'm not just talking about my trip to Serbia.) I've made up my mind to follow one of my biggest dreams, and the opportunity to make it happen has just sort of materialized in front of me. I couldn't be happier. It's still a bit soon to share much more than that, but really I'm very excited about it.
The chance to live abroad, making a living wage, serve in an orphanage, and write books?
I will take it!
Bring it on!
In fact, things are so fun and wonderful, that I can't get this song out of my head. It's not quite a happy dance, but it's almost there.



It has been a while since I've blatantly pushed my books on you. I think it's time to remind you I wrote some books and you should buy them!

"This Just In!" and "You Heard It Here First" are both available on Amazon for just $2.99. 

Gotta Keep Typing

(Just a few recent pics off my phone.)

To put it mildly, life has changed drastically in the last 4 weeks.
I don't mind. I'm really enjoying the changes!

I couldn't find who the artist/sculptor was who did these two sculptures. But they were actually at 2 different museums. I'm assuming they were done by the same artist. Because what are the odds otherwise?

The most bizarre of all the changes is that I've developed (for the second time in my life) callouses on each of my fingertips and a bruise on the bottom of one wrist from so much typing.

I'm working daily for Meridian Magazine again, writing freelance articles, writing for the Motley Fool, building a new website, and when there are few spare minutes in a day, working on writing 2 new books.

About 2 years ago I complained that I was typing, on average, about 20 pages a day. And I'm easily back up to that again now. No wonder I'm getting callouses from all the typing!

(And yet we call this unemployment.) 

Pinch Me, Please

I never get tired of this picture. (I've told this story many times before, so forgive me if you've heard it.) I'm twirling in the Alps in Romania, living out my "Sound of Music" dreams. In just a few seconds I will hit that small white-gray rock beside me, which isn't really a rock at all. It's mountain goat poop. And I will trip, fall, and roll unromantically down the mountain.

And the best part is?

I get to go back to Romania and do it all over again!

It's true!

An organization in Utah (that for now shall remain nameless, but I'll share more about them in a few weeks) has invited me along on their international dance tour this summer. (And I said yes.) We'll be visiting Serbia and Romania. And thanks to the very strange flight schedules of Aeroflot, and a lack of flights into Serbia, I will also be spending 2 days in Moscow.

I'd have to say that so far unemployment is suiting me just fine.

Actually, if we're being honest, I'm barely unemployed. I am writing for the Fool again, editing for Meridian, working on a top secret business venture, doing this gig in Serbia, plus accepting more and more freelance offers every day. It's really rather crazy just how many offers have just found me and jumped right in my lap.

And I have never been more grateful. Truly, I never could have imagined so many amazing opportunities could or would ever come my way so easily.  Somebody pinch me, please!

To do before the big trip:
Find a dogsitter
Finish editing "You Heard It Here First" to submit it to a distributor (this is a BIG deal, folks!)
Finish writing the sequel to "This Just In!"
Finish writing the book on social media and missionary work
Finish writing that other book I'm writing
Write lots of articles for freelance magazines that pay. I need the money.
Get more people to use that Amazon link
Get more people to use my eShakti link
Pack, move, unpack, get organized
Go to Duck Beach
Get Russian visa
Lose 10-15 lbs before Duck Beach (well underway, but goal far from met)
Figure out why my dog snores so much suddenly
Get a new, bigger suitcase
Get a briefcase-purse thing that will carry my laptop
And about a dozen more things

the whinings and ramblings of a crazy woman

I'm looking forward to this day ending. It hasn't been my favorite day. Bad (wretched really) customer service, less than stellar news, frustrating developments, and an overly sensitive imagination.
Oh and the scale lied to me.
I think I mentioned I've been on the Paleo diet for a few weeks now. While I was in Roanoke over the weekend I didn't want to make anyone go to any extra troubles for me, and I ate what was available. I didn't try to stay gluten free.
That was a mistake. A big one. And it is taking a few days to reset my guts. I can't begin to tell you how unenjoyable this is.
And yet somehow the scale lied to me today and said I have gained 7 lbs in the past week.  (If true, I would weigh almost as much as I did at my highest weight ever. Which is definitely not the case.)
I'll be visiting the scale again in 48 hours to see what nonsense it wants to tell me then. 
But I digress.
I have an overly sensitive imagination (to go along with my overly sensitive colon apparently). Today I started to daydream something completely implausible (I justify these daydreams as future book plots), and next thing I know, I'm sitting in my car, wiping tears off my face and trying to recover from a good cry session- over something completely made up in my head.
This is what authors have to live with. We have to live with the bad and heartbreaking choices of the fictional people that dwell in our brains. You would think as the master creator of the little fictional people that we could control them and stop them from getting Lou Gehrig's disease, and spending an extended period of time in a wheelchair, unable to communicate with their beloved. But no, we can't. It's the cross we must bear as writers. The little invisible fictions in our heads are in control.
If I was in control, I can tell you this- I would take most of those little people out and spank them. They have all been making very tragic decisions lately. And I don't appreciate it. I have enough to deal with in the real world without the imaginary world causing so many problems too.

Adversity and Joy

I have a dozen different thoughts tumbling through my brain tonight. And as usual, my inner monologue wants to work out my problems by writing and blogging them out.

I was in Roanoke, visiting my family and friends, for the weekend. This is only the second time I've been back since I moved away last summer. I never expected to take this long between visits.

Naturally, as expected, lots of people asked how my job is going and how my life is turning out to be. It should be such a simple question, right? With a nice canned positive response ready to go!

But for me it isn't such an easy question. I try to fake it and give a happy answer the best I can, but it's hard to do.

Today at church the lesson was on adversity. (As usual, I chose to attend the young women's class with my "Baby Ducks.") The teacher did an excellent job teaching on the subject. She made a interesting and poignant point that the joy we feel after extreme adversity in our lives is a wonderful, sweet relief. After we have endured so much adversity, we can feel the joy so much more than every before.

She shared some scriptural references that illustrated nicely the concept that we must endure the pain and sorrow in order to appreciate the joy. I thought she did a really good job.

But something has gnawed at me all day since.

Because I don't feel that way. Not yet.

After my long term unemployment, I have yet to find that joy or sweet relief. And I think that lack of joy and relief amplifies the starkness of reality. I want to feel that joy. I keep waiting for the relief. But the truth is, I didn't get a job, and all of my problems were solved overnight.

The difficulties march ever onward. If you thought a paycheck would cure all my problems, you weren't alone, but you would be wrong.

I didn't move and instantly make a dozen fabulous friends. Six months after my move and I'm still struggling to meet people and make friends.

Life is still a constant struggle between peaceful solitude and aching loneliness. And being around all my loved ones this weekend, only exasperated the loneliness.

I still dream and hope and wait for the joy to come after so many years of adversity. I have faith that it will come. I just hope I will recognize it when it comes.

Of Duct Tape and Band-Aids

Last week I brain dumped on Juli about the 500 things I had going on that day. Her response, "I'm over here whining that I accidentally ordered the same lunch again today."
For some reason that made me realize I need to stop brain-dumping on people. I like being busy. I thrive on it. I've often said that if you give me 1 thing to do, I may never get it finished. If you give me 10 things to do I'll have it all finished before lunch plus have time for a Coke break.
And whether or not that is healthy, it's true.
But very few people can see that I'm not whining or even bragging about my 500 things. If anything, saying them aloud just helps me keep track of it all. 
In the past few weeks I've had more to do than I've had to do in years. And I'm not exaggerating. I haven't been this busy or active in so long that I can't remember the last time I was like this.
And I love it. I really do prefer to have a zillion things going on. My brain needs it. It keeps me from wallowing in self-I-don't-know-what. So to have so much happening at once right now really is a good thing. Not to mention, it helps distract me from all the things I can't control. And there are many of those things.
I realized something tonight, I've now lived here six months. Almost to the day. And just like every person who has ever undergone a major life change will say, it hasn't been anything like I expected or anticipated.
To some small degree I suppose I knew it would take about six months to really integrate and find my footing- both in my social circles (church) and work.
What I didn't expect was something I realized tonight. I've been horribly frustrated at work. And I've started getting paranoid about various things and what people are saying/doing/thinking. (In my defense, some of it truly is justified. Certain behaviors have changed so drastically that I barely know how to interact with them anymore.) But tonight as I realized it really has been six months I had an awakening-
My last FOUR jobs all hit major snags at the 6 month mark. I won't go into great detail on that here. But 2 of the four jobs came to a screeching halt (as in the companies had layoffs or went out of business)! No wonder I expect bad things at this point. I've been traumatized into expecting the worst. I had to sit down and actually write out some of the good things that have happened to me at work to prove to myself that I won't get fired in the morning. Do I have any reason to think I will get fired? Well, there is that drastic behavior change... But no, not really. If anything, I did just get 2 major bumps in responsibility. So my job is pretty safe. Probably. Maybe. I hope.
At least now I realize that I need to power through this little "end of the honeymoon" phase. We're hitting some road bumps and we need to work them out. And this is a good employer- as compared to the last few employers where road bumps meant layoffs.
(Still, realizing this and convincing my stomach knots to untie are 2 very different things.)
You know what else happens at the six month mark?
Things start to fall apart.
All the band-aids and duct tape I was using to hold my life together these last few years is starting to fall off. And I no longer have the "compassionate excuse" of being unemployed when I can't afford to fix everything. I'm trying and scrambling, but it's not easy. Really, what it comes down to is that I need to make about $800 more a month, and duplicate myself to get it all done.
Which reminds me, I either have to sink $2700 worth of repairs into my 10 yr old car (that's only worth about $1900), or buy a new car. And either way, I need a roommate to split the rent with me so I can afford to do it. Oh and my landlord is making me move out so they can fix a safety issue with my ceiling. So there's that. (If you know of any professional single women in DC that love dogs and need a place to live...)
It never rains but it pours. But I like it when it pours. I'd much rather see a big old downpour than days on end of little sprinkles and showers. But that's just me.
Bring on the rain.
And the 500 things.
And the Coke break.
Never forget the Coke break.

Miles to Go Before I Sleep

Today was one of the reasons that God/man invented the power bar.

I've often said that if you want me to get one thing done, give me ten things to do. If you only give me one thing, it will never get done.
Give me ten things to do, and I'll finish eleven by lunch, plus have time for a Diet Dr Pepper break.
That's just how I roll.

Or better yet, that's just how I juggle.

Things I did today-
Organize/sell tickets for the big "Saratov Approach" premiere in DC on Thursday. (only a few left till we sell out!)
Found a venue for the awesome Mindy Gledhill to play in DC! (Monday, March 10- it's happening people!)
Arranged for the "Saratov Approach" to show at SVU!
Realized I should promote the Mindy gig at the Saratov gig.
Bought an awesome present for my nephew
Discovered and took advantage of Amazon Local. (And will get a massage for $30 as a result.)
Bought tickets to see the Dalai Lama speak.
My regular full-time job, where I was a firehose of productivity. 
Cleaned my carpets with special allergy stuff
Laundry

And I still have much left to do tonight.

I'm already looking forward to bedtime.
Which reminds me- I've started using sleep apps on my iPhone. The app magically monitors you in your sleep and tells you how "effectively" you slept. Somehow this makes me feel like I've accomplished something while sleeping. This is probably a bad trap for me to fall into [feeling like I must be productive in my sleep], but I like it for now.

Just a few more days of this craziness... and then I sleep!

Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, and single woman. 

By day she works in marketing, and by night she hunts unicorns and writes romantic novels, You Heard It Here First, and the sequel This Just In! 

She accepts new friends daily at https://www.facebook.comAuthorErinAnnMcBride

Feelings, so many feelings.

What a bottle of Martinelli's looks like when chilled in a car to 7 degrees.

I'm tempted tonight to sit around and whine and complain on here. I'm trying to convince myself that I won't, but I see by the fact that I'm typing, I'm about to lose my internal battle with self. The angel on the right shoulder is saying, "Don't say it! Don't do it!" The devil on the left is whispering, "You deserve to vent!"

Decisions, decisions.

Devil it is.

Like the rest of the U.S., I'm feeling compelled to complain about the weather and comment on just how bitterly cold it is out there. But my two cents is just a little different from everyone else.
Why?
I just had sinus surgery. And lemme tell you, if I had had a crystal ball and could have seen that bitter cold temps were coming just a few days after my surgery (which granted was in December, and sure that should have been more obvious), I may have delayed a few more weeks. Or not. I did what I did when I did based on insurance deductibles. (That was a lot of unintentional alliteration.) Bitter cold temps on freshly scraped sinuses is not a pleasant feelings! At all! And for someone like me who is prone to nosebleeds on cold, dry days to start with, and the condition is exasperated by sinus surgery, all I'm saying is today was a bloody long day.

As for the other things I feel the urge to whine/complain/vent about, one would be my job. The non-specific entity on my right shoulder is trying to remind me that the "honeymoon is over" and that's why I'm so irritated. The non-specific entity on the left shoulder doesn't care, it's just tired of being underemployed. I've been underemployed in this position since the start. It was always going to be a fairly easy job to do. (Minus dealing with personalities- which has been my biggest learning curve. This place has some doozies, and they don't seem to know it.) Some changes were made recently that inadvertently took some of my responsibilities away. Now not only is my work too easy to do, I don't have enough work to fill the day. I've been trying to create new work to keep myself busy, useful, and needed, but certain other persons have made it difficult to succeed. (See: personalities- doozies.) Which tells me it's time to find some tactful and proper ways to handle this situation with certain other persons. Unfortunately, past history has never been kind in this area. I fear it.

Remember the ongoing drama with my landlord and neighbor(s) regarding the professional pogo stick jumping upstairs? Last I heard the pogo stick jumpers were supposed to move out before Christmas. But that never seemed to happen. However, the neighbors did go on a long trip for Christmas, which helped me maintain sanity quite a bit. But they are back and the noise is as frustrating as ever.

Today I happened to see my landlord. Before I even got the chance to ask what's going on up there, she told me. Apparently the landlord really is forcing (very nicely) the person(s) out. The person's lease isn't up until March, but the landlord is making them leave before then in order to get the necessary repairs made. But apparently the neighbor is not making it easy, which is completely within that person's right to do so.

It occurs to me that the neighbor is in an odd position. The noise isn't heard up there as bad as it is down here. There is a safety concern, but not a major one. S/he doesn't really have to worry about falling through the floor. There will likely be plenty of warning before that happens. Moving is not fun or easy, and is a major life disruption. So yeah, they probably don't want to deal with it. Can't say I blame them.

Which brings me back to the need for a tactful and polite conversation - this time with a person(s) I've never seen or met. I have wanted to avoid the confrontation for as long as possible. But right now my entire wall is shaking because the pogo stick jumpers have left their bathroom ceiling fan on. It has been on for over an hour. I'm about to lose my mind. If they don't turn it off soon, I may be forced to put on some pants and finally go up there and meet them. I really don't want to put on my pants. Not to mention, I hate confrontation.

So there you have it. My whining and venting. There is so much more I'd love to say, but I'm keeping my mouth shut for now. If I stop here I still have a chance of convincing you that I really am a happy person, I'm just stuck in multiple frustrating scenarios right now. You know what I mean?

Eye Opening Experience

You'll either understand this, or you won't. Because either you literally see it this way, or you won't.

My whole life I have seen "starbursts" after dark. The picture above is an okay depiction of what this is like.
Apparently not everyone sees halos or starbursts when they look at lights. This is just bizarre to me. You mean some people don't see a big fuzzy glow of light with beams? That's just crazy talk. Then what can they possibly see?
A few weeks ago I got new glasses. I have to wear them full-time again for several months. I've yet again built up a sensitivity to my contacts (or more likely the cleaning solution for contacts). And yet again, my prescription has changed. (I would LOVE for my prescription to stay consistent for a few years! Just once I'd like it to be the same! This would be convenient not just so I could qualify for Lasik, but so I wouldn't have to always be buying new glasses and contacts!)
I let the optician's store talk me into different glare reductions, coatings, etc, since my vision insurance covered the majority of the cost.
Wow am I ever glad I did.
I was told that by switching to my new prescription and to glasses, that my night vision might improve.
Improve?
Understatement of the century!
Tonight I drove after dark for several miles since getting the new glasses. NO STARBURSTS! Minimal halos!
It was amazing! I had no idea how easy it could be to drive after dark. No confusion over brake lights versus stop lights from a distance! No rear lights or oncoming headlight with huge starbursts making it hard to see!
I know this probably isn't all that exciting or interesting to anyone else. But for me it was a life-changing moment. To literally see the world in a different way was just amazing.
And I am resisting the urge to turn this into some sort of personal parable or analogy for life. Make your own up. For me, I'm just enjoying SEEING.

Seasons Change

From the frequency I've been posting on this blog lately you might think I forgot I have a blog.
That's kind of true. I really do tend to forget about blogging.
It's possible the rumors are true- blogging is dead.
I can't even really think of anything to share or say. My life is pretty dull lately. I have come to accept something new about this iteration of my life. My social life won't really be daily or even weekly activities. If anything, most of my social interactions will probably be on long weekends, or for special events. I really didn't see that coming, so it's an unusual development to acknowledge and accept. But it's a little liberating to see it and accept it. It takes the pressure off feeling like my weekends need to be more social, or that I need to be "putting myself out there" more.
This past weekend I had a great time with a small group of friends down in southern Virginia. We had a nice little weekend country/mountain escape with great food, music, and scenery. The truth is I would rather socialize in these settings where you can really get to know people better, than the typical alternatives (parties, dinners, etc.).

I'm starting to appreciate this "season" of life a little bit more. Sometimes it isn't easy to love and enjoy this stage/phase/season of life (that stage being an 'older' single) because the world tells us we're not supposed to like it. Supposedly we're supposed to be a little depressed and down on ourselves because we're not married with children. And if we express how much we like our lives, well, then that's the reason we're not married. There's a strange Catch-22 that isn't true.
The truth is, I'm making the most of the life I have and I am always open-minded about the future and change. I wouldn't want a life devoid of change. It's not who I am.
But for right now, I am enjoying my current situation. I enjoy my job. I enjoy my side ventures and projects. I enjoy meeting new people and making friends. I enjoy my personal time and privacy.
It's an unexpected development to wake up and discover I like my situation. But I hope it stays (and by 'it' I mean my acceptance) for a while.