Answers to Prayers

I don't write too often here about my religious experiences and faith. I do write a lot about my churchgoing activities. But those are not the same as religious experiences. I usually choose not to share my faith because I don't care to share something so personal with an anonymous audience who may choose to criticize me for it. Call it "pearls before swine," although that would make you, the reader, the swine.
But today I feel like sharing a little bit. Why? Because along with the answers came a strong feeling that I should share it.
Recently I suffered a serious setback in one area of my life. It broke my heart. All of my hard work, efforts, and good intentions meant nothing. Someone who quite frankly didn't know what they were talking about, held all of the control in a situation, and pretty much chose to hurt me. There were a lot of ways the situation could have gone, where the person could have still exercised their control, but s/he chose the route that personally hurt me.
A lot of tears were shed over the situation. A lot. It's not often that an adult would take such measured calculations to inflict pain on another adult. But it happened.
I was left with a lot of questions along with the sadness. I was sad that someone would seek to hurt me so personally. I was hurt. And most of all, I wanted out. (And still do.) I can't think of one reason why anyone would chose to stay in a situation where such ill will is dished out.
So I prayed for an answer on how to handle the situation. I prayed for the strength to not rush back in there and yell at the other person and inflict pain of my own on them. I prayed for a huge, big, obvious answer on what to do next. The words I used specifically in my prayer were "I need an answer as big as a billboard." Because in my emotional state of mind, if it wasn't that big and obvious, I wouldn't be able to see it.
And I got my answer the very next morning. Things that never happen happened. We're talking packages arrived early even as the tracking information was still saying it wasn't coming for days. A news article publishing on exactly the right day. An email from a friend with exactly the right words and timing.
The answer I got reminded me that it's okay for things to be hard. In fact, they will probably always be hard. But there is a path laid out for me to follow, and setbacks can be a part of that path. And that there are answers to prayers that can be as big and obvious as a billboard, right when you need them the most. 

Go to the Lord in Prayer

Talk on Prayer and Gratitude

This is the talk (sermon) I gave today in the Potomac Midsingles Ward. 

The Prophet Joseph Smith once said that one of the greatest sins of which the Latter-day Saints would be guilty is the sin of ingratitude.” I presume most of us have not thought of that as a great sin.

While a member of the Presiding Bishopric, then Bishop Henry Eyring said, “Gratitude is a feeling of appreciation and thankfulness for blessings or benefits we have received. As we cultivate a grateful attitude, we are more likely to be happy and spiritually strong. We should regularly express our gratitude to God for the blessings He gives us and to others for the kind acts they do for us.

“To find gratitude and generosity when you could reasonably find hurt and resentment will surprise you. It will be so surprising because you will see so much of the opposite: people who have much more than others yet who react with anger when one advantage is lost or with resentment when an added gift is denied.

“Whatever we get soon seems our natural right, not a gift. And we forget the giver. Then our gaze shifts from what we have been given to what we don’t have yet.”

In the book, “All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience” by Elder Neal A Maxwell, he states-

There is little doubt… that a goodly portion of our pride proceeds from some assumptions we make about ourselves and our lives- assumptions that are at first soothing but very wrong. We think, for instance, that we “own” ourselves. It is perfectly true that our individual identity is guaranteed, that we are agents for ourselves, and so forth- but this truth, when it is torn away from other realities, gives us a very lopsided view of things. Without the ransoming atonement of the Savior, we would be stranded souls, doomed to die with no hope of the resurrection of or individual immortality. We were literally purchased by Jesus. Quite true, we do not yet have to acknowledge that reality, though someday we will. Nor are we now even forced to follow the conditions that the Purchaser laid down. So in a sense, we are quite free to do as we please, just as if we were our own. But it is a terrible illusion, an illusion that will be shattered by His second coming and the judgment. Meanwhile, the illusion is kept alive because some want to believe it. CLOSE QUOTE

We have a natural resistance to feeling owned. To not want to give the Lord credit for our personal accomplishments. We want to believe that we are responsible for all that we have. We want the credit for our talents, time, and possessions.

“This illusion underwrites the false assumptions that we make about our time, our talents, and our possessions that each of us sees as “mine.” We may even feel noble when we give of our time and means, and we are apt to be somewhat grumpy if anyone, especially a prophet, reminds us that all that we have belongs to God anyway.”

And are we thankful? Do we properly express our gratitude for all that the Lord has given us?

We must give credit to the Lord through our obedience, and by thanking Him through prayer. The Lord does not ask us for monuments or gifts. He only asks us to pray and obey.

When you pray, do you picture a heavenly, mysterious being in a far off place? Or do you picture the person who has given you all that you have, sitting in the room beside, always with you, as He has promised to do? Do you picture the Father who’s name just a few minutes ago you covenanted to take upon you?

When I picture a loving Father, in the room beside me, who knows me better than I know myself, and I truly believe loves me, and wants me to be happy, I find it much easier to pray and share the true contents of my heart. And when I think of this loving Father in the room with me, there with His arms around me as I pray, as the person who has given me all that I have, it isn’t hard at all to thank Him and show my gratitude.

The greatest single piece of advice I was ever given came many years ago from a friend as I went through a difficult struggle. She challenged me to not kneel down and pray for help and guidance and for the long list of things I needed in my life. Instead, she challenged me to offer only a prayer of gratitude. I told her I didn’t have anything to be thankful for, things were too difficult. She said then to start with the simplest basics- to thank the Lord that I was alive, that I had shoes on my feet, clothes to wear, and that there was food in the cupboard. Her theory was that the more we focused on what we had to be grateful for, the smaller our problems would seem to be.

I have put her advice to the test many times in my life. During my darkest days after three years of unemployment, and discovering what ‘rock bottom’ really looks like, I would stop my prayers and pleas for help. And instead, I’d kneel down and pray a list of things I had to be grateful for. There were days the list was too short, but I could always find something.

President Monson said, “Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest difficulty.”

Prayer and gratitude an intrinsically linked. You cannot truly express your gratitude without prayer.

In Mosiah chapter 4 we learn about prayer and repentance. In verses 11 and 12 it says that if we pray with a pure heart, “ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.”

When we pray, we are accompanied and filled with the Holy Ghost, who brings back memories of what God has taught and given us. One of the ways God teaches us is with his blessings. And so in a way, expressing our gratitude for our blessings, brings about more blessings.

President Monson expanded upon what the Prophet Joseph said. “If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues.”

Elder Richard G. Scott said, “We live in a unique time in the world’s history. We are blessed with so very much. And yet it is sometimes difficult to view the problems and permissiveness around us and not become discouraged. I have found that, rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness.”

I bear my testimony that I know these things are true. That obedience to the Lord's commandments, and showing our gratitude to Him will only lead to greater happiness. 

I have seen rock bottom. I know what it looks like, and I know how painful it can be. But I also know that in those darkest days, where nothing seems fair, or like it will ever end, that we can find happiness by focusing on those small and simple things that we can be grateful for. 

I know that sometimes dark days don't end. That there is no rainbow with a pot of gold at the end to congratulate you for making it through. The truth is that sometimes they don't end. Sometimes the challenges go on forever. But we can find happiness in those times by being grateful for what we do have. And one day you won't feel so dark. You find light and happiness amidst the troubles around you. I've been there. My dark days only ended a year ago. It's still very raw and painful in my mind. But I know that I only found my way out by focusing on what I did have to be grateful for. 

I know my Father in Heaven loves me. I know He wants us to be happy. I know that we do not go through dark days as a punishment. They are things that just have to happen. But we can find joy and we can go on if pray and show our gratitude. 

Reverence invites revelation

For about six months now I have been working weekly as a volunteer at the Washington, DC temple. Some nights are boring, some nights are fun, and some nights are traffic nightmares with beautiful endings. 

Our shifts technically begin at 7pm, but we have a 30 minute training each week that starts at 6:30. Typically we get updates on different issues, a short devotional, and maybe a short training video. A member of the temple presidency is usually present, and may or may not address us. (There are roughly 50 workers on my shift.) 

Just a few days ago the temple presidency was released and a new one put in place. The new temple president and matron are Pres and Sister Kent Colton. (I can't believe I just forgot Sis Colton's first name.) I've known Pres Colton for several years, as he used to be my stake president, and he knows my father and uncle. Pres and Sis Colton were also volunteers on my shift for several years before becoming called to be the president and matron. 

So it was extra special for us tonight to have him give a quick devotional. He's been an influence on my spiritual growth since I was 20 years old. And I continue to listen when he speaks and advises. 

Tonight he shared an interesting quote that really resonated with me. 

"Reverence invites revelation." 

I liked the quote so much that I went back to him to ask if those were his words or was he quoting someone else. (And to make sure I remembered it correctly.) He said he was quoting President Boyd K. Packer who said it in the new temple president training a few weeks ago. (So if anyone else is looking to quote it, attribute it to Pres Packer.) 

As temple workers it's important to remember to be reverent for the benefit of the patrons. But as an individual, the quote means so much more. How often do I pray for guidance, and then forget to be reverent and attentive to hear or witness the answer? 

Reverence is often confused with quiet. Quiet and reverence are not the same. Reverence is so much more than that. It's in the root of the word- revere. Reverence requires that we revere the Lord. Reverence includes profound respect and love. A reverent attitude toward God includes honoring Him, expressing gratitude, and obeying His commandments.

And I don't think you have to be quiet to do those things. In fact, I think singing may be the best way I personally can do most of those things!

But back to the quote- 

Reverence invites revelation. 

It's so simple, yet so easily forgotten. 

Lessons Learned and to be Learned

Several months ago I had mentally and emotionally reached a point where I had to accept and admit to myself that I was very unhappy. The move to Washington, DC, for the new job had not gone to plan. The friends and activities I thought I would have waiting for me here had not turned out as expected. My salary situation was complicated and considerably less than I had anticipated. I had nearly no social life. I was poor, broke, bored, and lonely.
Going to my mid-singles ward (congregation) every Sunday exacerbated my pain. Everyone else there seemed to have a network of friends, nice clothes and cars, and all the things I had hoped to have, but hadn't panned out.
I began to mentally check-out and withdraw from my ward. But I didn't turn away from the Church, Spirit, or gospel. I turned more to prayer than I had in a long time, in search of guidance. I had partially made the decision, completely based on my pained emotions, to leave the mid-singles ward and go to my nearby family congregation. I figured no one would notice my absence, since no one had noticed my presence.
I prayed more than once. I prayed for several days, if not weeks. And then one day I began to receive an answer and guidance in the way that I often receive answers to prayers. It began as a foreign thought in my mind. An idea that I knew didn't come from me. Just an idea that forced me to think and puzzle it out, and reconcile it with what I knew and felt.
I find that these moments often come to me when I'm driving and my mind is clear. When I used to drive from Roanoke to DC so often, I had many of these moments alone in my car. I miss them now.
It was a Thursday afternoon. I remember it clearly. I was in my car. And a thought came to me that I had to work out, ponder on, and eventually it led me to an answer.
What that thought was is not what's important. But it was the feeling I had at the end of it. I recognized the experience. I had had similar experiences in the past that had prepared me for major life changes. A little seed was planted in my heart that opened my mind to accepting a major change just around the bend. These have always been changes that I could not control, but would need to accept for my own happiness. (For instance, every time a bishop has been released in my ward, I knew it in this same way in advance.) I don't handle imposed change very well. I always need to come to the same conclusion that the change was needed and the solution was the best option. And sometimes I don't agree, or it takes me a long time to get there. And so these moments where I have felt the Holy Ghost prepare me in advance have been cherished and important to me.
And that Thursday afternoon I got the answers to my prayers- there was about to be a major change in my life, and I needed to be prepared to accept it.
And so I was.
In the following days I was "called" or asked to co-chair the mid-singles conference. After I prayed about it, I readily accepted the assignment. I knew it would be a tough road ahead, but I felt spiritually prepared.
But then I went home and cried for hours. I've planned conferences in the past and knew what I was getting myself into. I didn't cry about the workload though. I knew I could survive that. I cried because I have been there before. And I know that when you are in charge of planning a spiritual event for 400 people, Satan will do everything to ruin your life.
I wasn't wrong.
These last several months have been a true test. I've nearly stopped blogging altogether because I just don't want to share all of the difficulties I've been hit with. Of course, the hardest thing I've endured is losing my job. (My grandmother dying, my apartment getting condemned, and car troubles rank pretty high up there as well.)
But on the hard days, the really hard days, where my life is just not easy or rosy, it helps to stop and remember how clearly and perfectly I heard the answers to my prayers.
I know I am in the right place and the right time. I know I will survive this.
I know there are some who would like to believe that for every major effort and sacrifice we make, we are paid back in obvious blessings. For instance, put your heart and soul into planning a major conference, and you'll get your dream job.
I don't believe it's always so obvious. For me, my heart can accept that I've survived and received dozens of blessings these last few months, because I was willing to devote myself to the Lord's work. I haven't gone hungry. Miracles have paid my rent. Hearts have been softened and opened to offering me unexpected assistance.
There are less than 7 weeks left to the mid-singles conference. The workload is getting heavier by the day. I can rarely relax without my brain overflowing with the dozens and dozens of things we need to get done. This is about the point where most people would want to run and scream and never do this sort of thing again.
Trust me, I have those feelings- often! But then I'm reminded one more time that I know that I'm in the right place at the right time. I find the strength to make one more phone call and one more email. Because I can do this. WE can do this. (I'm not alone. I have a great co-chair and committee.)

Women and the Priesthood

Over a year ago I wrote my thoughts on Mormon Women and the Priesthood. I had forgotten I wrote it. I ran across it my accident today. After re-reading I find that my thoughts and feelings on the matter have not changed.
Seeing as this is a very divisive hot topic right now, I wanted to share my post again, and add a few more thoughts.
First, I believe there is nothing wrong with asking for change. Encouraging and creating conversation is a good thing, and I support it. It is an all together different thing to "demand" change, and to call for insurrection and rebellion when you do not get your way.
Second, there are a few people I know and love, who find that their testimonies and faith are shaken this week, as events transpire regarding Ordain Women. I beg you and implore you to ask yourself one essential, important question. Do you follow the prophet? Or do you follow man's ideas (her)? You can feel great sympathy for her, and I know that you do. I support you in your love and sympathy for others. But before this all goes too far, please ask yourself which you believe in more- the Gospel or the cause? Do you follow and sustain the prophet? Or do you believe her accusations of a conspiracy? Because it seems to me that you cannot believe both.


My thoughts from last year - http://www.erinannie.com/2013/04/a-single-mormon-woman-reflects-on-women.html

The Prayer of the Righteous

"The song of the righteous is a prayer unto me..." Doctrine and Covenants 25:12
Sometimes I think Mormons like to make problems for themselves. There's always something they like to protest, and sometimes they like to raise a fuss over themselves. And apparently I can't stop myself from adding my 2 cents.
A few months ago it was whether or not women should wear pants in church. Now it is the rumor that a woman might pray in our general conference next week.
Here is some history for my non-Mormon friends (and for my Mormon friends who are lost as to why is this even a thing).
First, twice a year the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds an annual/semi-annual general conference, the first weekend in April, and the first weekend in October. It is a 2-ish day event, with several sessions. It is broadcasted around the world via satellite, and streamed on radio and internet. The week before the October session there is a "Relief Society General Conference," (the Relief Society being the women's auxiliary of the church, that just by virtue of being a woman over 18 you are automatically made a member of), and the week before the April session there is a Young Women's General Meeting (that will happen this Saturday night). These 2 meetings are considered to be portions of the actual General Conference itself, just held a week earlier. There are 4 sessions of the main conference, and 1 session (held on Saturday night) called Priesthood session (for the men, as only men hold the priesthood). Nothing said or held in these sessions is a secret. Like I said, they are broadcasted via satellite (you can probably pick it up in your local community on a public access channel, or even on BYU-TV if you have the right cable provider), and they are even printed in a magazine for anyone to buy and read in May/November.
This general conference has been taking place since the 1800s. In the early days of the conference, prayers were usually offered by the general authorities of the church, and occasionally by local priesthood leaders. Later the tradition turned to returned presidents of LDS missions and visiting stake (congregation) presidents. These are all positions held by priesthood leaders, and therefore, are all held by men. (If you want to have the "why don't women get to have the priesthood" conversation, we can discuss it. But honestly, it's a subject I am passionate about (why women do NOT have it, and don't need it), and really, I don't care to discuss it.) More recently general conference prayers have been offered by members of the church’s expanding Quorums of the Seventy.  Women do speak in these conference meetings. Women are by no means excluded from leadership positions.
There was, in past years, a common belief/misbelief in the Church that women could not pray in certain church meetings. In the church handbook that is distributed to every congregational leader (the bishop), there is a line that says women are not to open or conduct priesthood meetings. Now to me this makes perfect sense. Let's compare it to something not as confusing as what may appear to be mystical and secretive as the priesthood. (Which it isn't, it just may seem that way to some people.)
If you were going to have a meeting of let's say accountants, where you would conduct business pertaining to accountants, and it was a meeting of the Official Association of Official Accountants, and you had to be a certified official accountant to be in that meeting, would you invite a doctor to come in and open and conduct the meeting? Or would you ask a member of the official association of official accountants to open and conduct the meeting? Probably not. Especially not if there was a rule in the handbook that said that meeting had to be opened and conducted by an official accountant, right?
So going back to priesthood meetings. If you were to hold a meeting of priesthood holders, would you invite a non-priesthood holder to open and/or conduct the meeting for you? Probably not.

Say a little prayer for me!

Sometimes this song and this movie clip is all you really need in life!

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Breaking Up With the Peace Corps or Choosing Between 2 Dreams

As you may have noticed, I haven't blogged a whole lot lately. Or maybe you haven't noticed because you actually saw a few of the posts I deleted shortly after posting them. For the last 10 days I've had something huge hanging over my head, and now that it is for the most part resolved, I'm ready to come clean about it.
If you've been reading this blog for long you know I have a tendency to share a lot of my bigger life issues on here, often because I have no one at home to talk to about it. Writing them out, even if just to share them with the ethernet, somehow makes me feel better. And there is a lot to be said for the catharsis that comes (for me) with just writing out your thoughts.
So where was that inherent trait these past few days? Why was I not writing out and sharing my feelings the way I usually do when faced with a huge decision? I don't have an answer for that, other than this time I just couldn't bring myself to do it. No, I'm not apologizing to you my awesome readers for not sharing. I'm explaining this to help convey just how huge this decision was for me, that it transcended usual activities and behaviors.
Last week, completely unexpected, the Peace Corps finally placed me. I have decided to not publicly share where. (If you want to know, I can tell you personally.) It was very, very unexpected. When things went south back in October with the PC (which at the time I blogged about but have since hidden for reasons I can also explain privately but not publicly) I had to decide if I was going to keep holding on and holding out for them, or start making new plans. Oddly enough, the PC themselves strongly encouraged me to move on and make new plans.
After a bit of soul searching- did I have any other big dreams or goals in life I wanted to pursue other than the PC?- I finally moved on. I have always wanted to be a "real writer," and decided to start looking for ways to pursue those goals. No one was more surprised than I still am that that path has worked out so well for me. I'm editing a daily website and loving that. I'm writing articles every day for a major publication that allows me to learn interesting new concepts every day. I never would have expected that writing about the stock market would be a dream opportunity for me, but I'm loving it. And, somewhere in the middle of all that, I found my creative side again (she had been missing for a very long time), and I've written 1.5 books in under a month. Not to mention, my political blog gets enough traffic that I made a few dollars a month off of it, and is a lot of fun for me to write (even if I never do get comments).
Suddenly my other lifelong passion and dream [to be a writer] is panning out. I've even mentioned it here several times on my blog about how I am happy again. After over 2 years of heartbreak, depression, and really struggling to find joy or regain my self-confidence after losing my job(s), I feel like I am on the right path and things are going well. In short, I'm happy again.

Stupor of Thought

Ocean waves after Hurricane Earl - taken at Virginia Beach

When I am confused or faced with a difficulty, I often find I express myself in terms of water. Raging water, calm water, rippling water, torrents of water, trickling brooks. When I need to reflect or retreat, I often navigate to a body of water and just stare out. Today my heart is navigating to this picture I took of the waves at Virginia Beach a few hours after Hurricane Earl. It depicts my feelings perfectly today. Raging waves, dark sky, and yet there's an elegance about it, and the worst is over. The storm will pass soon and peace will return.
Multiple times over the last few days I've attempted to sit down and write about what has been going on in my life, but each time I do I just sort of give up. I've often heard  or been taught that the answer to prayer can come in the form of a "stupor of thought." And I do believe this week I am experiencing it for the first time.
I have a very, very big decision I have to make. Without going into detail, it basically goes like this-
Option A- Exciting opportunity, lots of potential, possibly (most likely) be very happy, some risk involved.
Option B- Lose the chance to pursue Option A for a very long time, pursue current path of happiness, hope it stays a happy path knowing very well that it might not, accept my choices and not regret not taking A.
Really it is a decision of giving up Happy Plan A for Happy Plan B. Neither one is a bad option. In fact, both would make me wildly happy to pursue!