Adversity and Joy

I have a dozen different thoughts tumbling through my brain tonight. And as usual, my inner monologue wants to work out my problems by writing and blogging them out.

I was in Roanoke, visiting my family and friends, for the weekend. This is only the second time I've been back since I moved away last summer. I never expected to take this long between visits.

Naturally, as expected, lots of people asked how my job is going and how my life is turning out to be. It should be such a simple question, right? With a nice canned positive response ready to go!

But for me it isn't such an easy question. I try to fake it and give a happy answer the best I can, but it's hard to do.

Today at church the lesson was on adversity. (As usual, I chose to attend the young women's class with my "Baby Ducks.") The teacher did an excellent job teaching on the subject. She made a interesting and poignant point that the joy we feel after extreme adversity in our lives is a wonderful, sweet relief. After we have endured so much adversity, we can feel the joy so much more than every before.

She shared some scriptural references that illustrated nicely the concept that we must endure the pain and sorrow in order to appreciate the joy. I thought she did a really good job.

But something has gnawed at me all day since.

Because I don't feel that way. Not yet.

After my long term unemployment, I have yet to find that joy or sweet relief. And I think that lack of joy and relief amplifies the starkness of reality. I want to feel that joy. I keep waiting for the relief. But the truth is, I didn't get a job, and all of my problems were solved overnight.

The difficulties march ever onward. If you thought a paycheck would cure all my problems, you weren't alone, but you would be wrong.

I didn't move and instantly make a dozen fabulous friends. Six months after my move and I'm still struggling to meet people and make friends.

Life is still a constant struggle between peaceful solitude and aching loneliness. And being around all my loved ones this weekend, only exasperated the loneliness.

I still dream and hope and wait for the joy to come after so many years of adversity. I have faith that it will come. I just hope I will recognize it when it comes.

Letting Go

Over the weekend I had to make the decision to let go of my past. It wasn't easy.
It may sound obvious, simple, and straightforward to some, but it wasn't for me.
All of my earthly belongings have been in a storage unit in another state for the past 3 years. I've put a lot of money into holding on to that unit. I always intended to go back and get my stuff when the time was right.
But now that the time is right, it was apparent that it wasn't cost-effective to go back for my stuff.
But you see, it wasn't just stuff.
It was all of the things that I had worked hard to procure and collect. It wasn't yard sale stuff or hand-me-downs. It was the physical evidence of the life I had built for myself. It was the evidence that I was once a competent, functioning, productive adult who had her own home, and pretty things.
There have been many nights over the past few years where I would close my eyes and mentally walk through my old home and remember all the little details. The antique lamp on the end table I refinished. The dresser I bought for $10, painted, restored, and put new handles on. The red striped drapes. My framed pictures. The little plaque in French I hung over my bed- what did it say? I can't remember anymore. The kitchen table I saved up for months to buy. The under the sea bathroom decor.
The time had come to fish or cut bait. Pay another $300 on the unit? Or just walk away, and let them auction it off. I tried to come up with an alternative plan (give everything to a friend who lives a few hours away) (if you are said friend, I owe you a much better explanation and apology). But that didn't work out.
Did I want to spend more money to hold on to this stuff I would likely never get to retrieve? I've held on this long. Was I ready to let go?
I won't pretend the decision was easy. In fact, there were a lot of tears over it. Never see my book collection again? (Nothing defines a girl like her book collection!) My antiques? All of my classic, vintage movie posters?
It wasn't just the "stuff." It was admitting that I'm not picking up my life where I left off 3 years ago. And that I have no choice but to start over from scratch now.
I like my job, and I am getting settled into my new life here. But... the move hasn't been completely without its difficulties. Although I have returned to my hometown, I'm still starting over again as the new girl. I have a few friends here already, but they are deeply rooted in their own lives and patterns. I'm a disruption, looking for a place to fit in.
Letting go of my stuff meant letting go of what left of my hopes that I would "be me again."
It meant I had to accept that I am building a new me. Growing, changing, and starting a new life. Not resuming my life where it was rudely cut off so long ago.
(It was all made that much more emotional and complicated by seeing my friends and family from Roanoke over the weekend. I am happy here, but it broke my heart to see everyone and not get to go home with them.)
But I did it. I let the storage unit go. Some storage auction hunter got some good stuff this weekend.
Sigh.
Deep breath.
Let it go.
Look forward, not back.
And accept that I have no choice but to buy a new vacuum cleaner now. My new life is going to be rather stinky and covered in dog hair if I don't do it soon.
So do I get this one?

Or this one?

There is a $70 price difference for pretty comparable "pet hair" vacuums.
Anyone have a vacuum they recommend for less than $150? 
And preferably one that won't remind me of my old life and make me unreasonably emotion when I look at it?
(just kidding. i actually like vacuuming.)

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home, job, and life renovation

With my new found reality TV education, I'm pretty sure I could renovate any kitchen into this design in just one weekend!

I am definitely my mother's daughter.
When I was a kid my mom used to regularly take us to "just look at a house real quick." She also took interior design classes, and even had her own home design business for a while. And if you have ever been in one our houses, you know she loves to fix things up, decorate, fix it up more, decorate, etc. We've always had very pretty homes!
(Last week as we prepared for the wedding at my house I had to apologize for broken chairs multiple times. "Sorry! My mom likes to buy broken or old stuff and renovate it! She hasn't fixed that one yet!" And then I had to go hide the broken, but very pretty, chairs.)
Eventually our family got cable TV, and eventually HGTV became a thing. And my mother discovered home design and renovation shows. And she became their most devoted fan.
And now, I've joined the club. I'm watching hours and hours of design, renovation, and real estate shows.
Today it got so bad I actually caught myself watching a show while job hunting online. I found a nice job description, so I went and looked up the neighborhood the company is located in, found some available home sales, and immediately started remodeling them in my head.
All this before I even thought to apply for the job.
Oy.
It may be time to turn off the TV and return to the real world where I don't actually know how to knock down a wall with a sledgehammer, or how to install cost-effective heating in a 100 year old row house. Nor do I have a job or money to do any of these things.
(Which reminds me, anyone want to buy a book?  "You Heard It Here First!" on Amazon, Nook, and Kindle!)

Pictures and Stories from Life on the Mountain

It always starts out like this- KayaDog staring at me with her big brown eyes, holding a toy, wanting to know why I don't love her enough to take her outside.

And so we go outside and explore our little mountainside.  Here is what we see-

The roses in our front yard that some evil bug is determined to eat alive.

So I cut the biggest ones off today and finally had something pretty to put in the vase I brought back from Cambodia.


On both sides of our house there are wild raspberries growing. On the left side of the house (our property) they grow along a very steep hillside. Lately there has been considerable evidence that a bear lives just below the raspberry patch. Therefore, I do not frequent this patch often.

On the right side (shown above), there is a very large patch. It is about 10 ft away from my driveway.  However, this would be our neighbor's yard. It is about 2 acres away from his actual house.
My neighbors are quite peculiar people. And I am about to mock them. You have been warned. When we moved in our other neighbors told us that they were strange people. In spite of the fact that technically they are our next door neighbors (just down a very steep hill, around a bend, and a few acres away, where we can't actually see their house), it only took 9 months to finally meet them. And when I did finally meet them, the first thing they said to me was that they can't stand any of our neighbors. The second thing they said (I was wearing a Mitt Romney t-shirt at the time) was that Romney seemed like an interesting man, but they don't trust Mormons. He then spotted the Utah license plates on my car and said, "If you're from Utah, I'm sure you understand." When I straightened him out, and let him know not only do I support Romney, but I am also LDS, he didn't apologize or even flinch. Ridiculous.

This would be my peculiar neighbor's driveway. It has been like this ever since the day we moved in. They have not done any repairs on their driveway in that time. They just really do not want anyone driving in there. Why? I have no idea. If you look closely, you can even see that they have put reflective strips on the sticks and buckets. They mean business!

Back to the raspberries-
One of the perks of living on top of a mountain, away from civilization is the ability to walk your dog in your underwear. No one can see my house, and I can't see theirs. So if I want to go outside in nature in my most natural outfit, I do so.
You can only imagine my total shock and surprise TWICE this week when I stepped out my front door to find my neighbor's car in my driveway, and the two of them picking raspberries! AT 7 A.M.!!
And me, not so decently dressed.

Sure, the raspberry patch is pretty far away from their house, and up a steep hill. I don't blame them for driving to get to it. And yes, it is on their side of the property line. (Which they have ever so kindly put stakes up to indicate.) But seriously, the people who keep up a year round barrier in their driveway just park in mine?! Grr...
Back to the walk and more of what we see-

This random weed grows in the culvert that runs down our street. The red bow is litter that got caught on it a few weeks ago. The weed has shot up since then, and it amuses me to no end that it looks like it all belongs that way.

Next we see the peculiar, rude neighbor's yard. CACTI!
Why, for the love of all that is anything, would you (true story coming up here) map out where the halfway point is between you and your fiancee, pick Southwest Roanoke to live in, and move to the top of a lush, green, forested mountain, just to clear all of the trees off the land, put down a pre-fab house (in the middle of half-million dollar houses), and plant hundreds of cacti?!
These people spend HOURS every single day out there tending to their cacti.

Here's a nice little handful of berries that I collected on my walk (minus all of the ones I ate) from the wild bushes all up and down the roadside. I didn't have to park in anyone's driveway to collect them. Yum!

Here's a little view of Kaya as we walk back up the hill. Its a really steep hill. Sometimes we have to stop and take a few breaks. SQUIRREL!

I have no idea what this flower is called. Until this week it was just a bunch of green shoots that were about knee high. Then BOOM! This week they suddenly shot up and got bulbs on them! As you can see, they are almost as tall as me! A few have bloomed already in my neighbors' yards (not the peculiar cacti people though- they prefer to raise cacti, and not species more native to the area), and they are quite pretty. I think they will fully bloom in about 2 more days. I'm excited to see them.

On my back porch, safely away from bears, deer, and raccoons, I am growing tomatoes in a "Topsy Turvy" planter, a green pepper plant, and what I thought was cilantro. Now I am not so sure about the cilantro. I fear I may be growing a weed instead. Does anyone know if that is what cilantro should look like?
My tomatoes have not been growing very rapidly. According to the guide, they should be bearing fruit in about 2 weeks. But instead they are barely bigger than they were as starts 60 days ago. I've been tending them quite obsessively, so this was very disappointing to me. I love growing my own tomatoes! This was my first time to use a "Topsy Turvy" (its too dark outside to take a picture right now, but I'll try and remember to do it tomorrow and update this), and I was about to blame that method. I noticed that even though I had filled it to the top when I started, it had shrunk down to about halfway. I wondered if they were getting enough sunshine (I have 4 starts in it, 2 on top, 2 on bottom). Yesterday, I VERY carefully pulled the dirt aside and put more dirt beneath the top plants. I raised them back up to the top of the bag thing. Overnight they grew several inches! Hopefully this means I will actually get some tomatoes now.
My green pepper plant should also be producing in about 2 weeks. It is growing plenty tall, but so far, no sign of an actual bulb or fruit. The raccoons climbed up on the deck a few weeks ago and pulled the pepper and cilantro out of their pots. I fear they may have killed them off. They look like they are still alive, but only time will tell.

The new living room before and after pictures

I guess today is all about before and after pictures. I don't actually have a good "before" picture of my living room. That would be because I never liked it enough to take any pictures of it. I thought it was ugly! I had all free or third or fourth hand furniture, no drapes, nothing good. So now I finally have a color scheme, nice furniture, and a little style! Yeah for a "big girl" house!

So here is the closest thing I have to a "before" picture-



And the midway point-


And what it looks like all pulled together with drapes and accessories, without my dog trying to steal the show-



Much improved, no??

There's still a dozen more things I want to do like get a decent area rug, a nicer entertainment center, and a big screen TV. All in good time...

Green Thumb and a Big Red Blister

I wish I had had the forethought to take a before picture of my yard. Words cannot explain just how awful my yard really is/was. I've had multiple lawn care companies stop by to offer my estimates on what it would take to get rid of the weeds, and try and grow some grass. One estimate was that my yard is 80% weeds, 10% grass, and 10% dead. I've spent countless hours pulling weeds, spraying weedkiller, etc.

Here's the best picture I have of the yard. Please note the lack of lush green grass growing freely.

Okay, I have to admit it. I'm amazed by weedkiller. How it can kill just the weeds and not the grass is really cool. Sadly, at the same time, my yard is/was so full of weeds that now instead of being a big scary green weed field, it's a dead yellow and brown weed field.

My landlord said I can buy whatever I want for the yard and take it out of my rent. So I went a little crazy buying flowers and bushes for the yard. Particularly, I bought a lot of flowers for the front garden area. Here's what they looked like all nice and innocent at the store. Little did they know what their future held. Maybe they would have had the common sense to not look so pretty on the shelves if they had known I was coming to send them to an earthy grave.

And here's my little front garden plot. This is the part that it is unfortunate I didn't take a picture of first. The weeds were a good 12 inches high, and filled the entire plot. It took me several hours over several nights to pull all the weeds. Let's jut say I never ever want to do that again. But here's what it looked like before I actually put the flowers in. Please note, it doesn't look like fertile land. (I really miss Virginia.)

And here you have the garden plot after three hours of digging and planting. I have to admit, it was a little bit fun. I'm sore in all sorts of new ways. I have a genuine "redneck" sunburn, and a blister like you have never seen before in the middle of my right palm (making driving stick rather painful).

That would be about 30 different flowers in there. I'm most excited about the shasta daisies. (I LOVE DAISIES!!)  There's an azalea bush, marigolds, peonies, begonias, pansies, dia-synth-something-or-whatever, another breed of daisies, and some other pretty pink flowering bush thing. I have no doubt that I planted it all way too close together.

On the side of the house (not pictured) there are 2 boxwood bushes, a rose bush, strawberries, another azalea bush, and a tomato plant. 

And here is the sad part. In spite of doing everything I knew to do, and reading the instructions, and only disobeying the too close together rule, a lot of them are dead already. I can't believe I managed to kill $100 worth of flowers in under 24 hours. Who does that?? Seriously?? How is it even possible that they managed to live in little plastic containers, but I take them out, put them in the ground and water them and they DIE??

Tomorrow we're expecting lots of sun and heat here in Utah, so I'm hoping maybe my flowers will want to come back to life. Its possible, right????

Oh and then there was another Real Salt Lake game. So Little and I went (OBVIOUSLY) to watch our boys lose. Again. But we've already forgiven them and were ready for the next home game.