4 Lies Singles Shouldn't Believe

1. If you are single, there is something wrong with you. You shouldn’t be happy with your life if you are single.

Being single does not mean you are inherently wrong, broken, or incomplete. It simply and only means that you are not married.

You should be happy with your life, regardless of your situation in life. No matter what your marital status, life will throw you curveballs, complications, tragedies, and extreme happiness. There’s a reason they compare it to a roller coaster. Your job, your entire purpose in life, is to be happy. “Men are that they might have joy.” (2 Nephi 2:25) There was no exception given for, “Except the single people. They have to stay miserable forever.”

Believing the lie that single people are less valuable or important, or that being unmarried means you aren’t loved, is a dangerous and awful trap. It opens the path to doubts that question your worth as a child of God. It cheapens the belief that every Child of God has a purpose and a reason for existence. It creates doubt in your own individual worth, and fuels the fires that lead to body image struggles and spiritual doubts.

Sister Kristen Oaks told a CES Devotional, (September 2011), “I say to those of you who may lead a single life: depend on the Lord, enjoy every opportunity, and delight in the life you have. Women were born to nurture, and we are surrounded by opportunities to do soin our Church callings, families, neighborhoods, and communities. Relish those opportunities.

To the men: We live in a world that teaches that education and financial security should precede marriage. The Lord teaches otherwise. In the interim before marriage, I also see many of you enjoying travel, video games, boys’ night out, and free meals. Men, the sisters need you to be the most valiant you can be. This is true, and I want you to listen: In the Lord’s plan, those of you who marry will progress to a degree that you never imagined. That is a promise.”

If you are not single, ask yourself if your words and actions towards your unmarried friends, family, and acquaintances, values them as a Child of God, or shows your lack of acceptance of them because they are not married?

2. There are no good ones left. I’ll never meet anyone.

I won’t pretend it doesn’t feel like this sometimes. But the truth is, there are thousands and thousands of worthy, active, and attractive LDS singles out there. If you haven’t found one yet, you just haven’t looked everywhere.

Get in the car and drive a few hours to a singles conference in another city or state. Do a Google search and find more online dating sites. Join one (or more) of the dozens of LDS singles Facebook groups. Contact old flames. Contact old friends and ask them to set you up. Don’t just sit at home, attend one stake singles activity a year, and declare that there are no fish in the sea.

And don’t forget to continue to improve your own appearance and offerings. Are you putting your best foot forward?

Slovenly Productivity

For the past 2 months my bedroom has been a disastrous mess. I mean over the top messy. And I hate it. I don't like it when it's like this.
It started when a roommate moved out, and I switched bedrooms. Shortly thereafter, before I had the chance to get organized in the new room, I went on the big cruise with my family. And then I came back, my laundry exploded, and minutes later I came down with that little nasty kidney stone attack and spent 3 weeks in bed.
I followed those 3 weeks in bed with 3 weeks of working 50+ hours each week at the spa. And then I threw a huge party, and then helped with another huge party. And party planning tends to explode all over my house (and car).
And in short, for someone with only a part-time job, I've been so overwhelmingly busy for the last 2.5 months that something as simple as unloading a laundry basket has been very low on my list of priorities.
Tonight I was certain I was going to sequester myself away in my room, put on a movie on Netflix, and fold some clothes and get organized. It didn't happen. Not even close. But I did get a bunch of bills paid. And bills are always more important than laundry.
I'm moving in about 6 weeks. (Where? That remains a mystery, even to me.) And knowing that, it's becoming even more difficult to motivate myself to organize my room. I'm more likely to just start packing and preparing for the move.
I'm impressed with my tolerance for slovenly living, even if I do hate the mess. I had no idea I could put up with such a disaster for so long. But then again, maybe I shouldn't be so impressed with my own exhaustion and laziness.
That all being said, I think I should hire someone to come over and organize and run my life for a day for me. Is there a service that organizes and pays your bills, plans meals, buys the groceries, does the laundry, and vacuums floors? (And isn't called a wife?)

Adversity and Joy

I have a dozen different thoughts tumbling through my brain tonight. And as usual, my inner monologue wants to work out my problems by writing and blogging them out.

I was in Roanoke, visiting my family and friends, for the weekend. This is only the second time I've been back since I moved away last summer. I never expected to take this long between visits.

Naturally, as expected, lots of people asked how my job is going and how my life is turning out to be. It should be such a simple question, right? With a nice canned positive response ready to go!

But for me it isn't such an easy question. I try to fake it and give a happy answer the best I can, but it's hard to do.

Today at church the lesson was on adversity. (As usual, I chose to attend the young women's class with my "Baby Ducks.") The teacher did an excellent job teaching on the subject. She made a interesting and poignant point that the joy we feel after extreme adversity in our lives is a wonderful, sweet relief. After we have endured so much adversity, we can feel the joy so much more than every before.

She shared some scriptural references that illustrated nicely the concept that we must endure the pain and sorrow in order to appreciate the joy. I thought she did a really good job.

But something has gnawed at me all day since.

Because I don't feel that way. Not yet.

After my long term unemployment, I have yet to find that joy or sweet relief. And I think that lack of joy and relief amplifies the starkness of reality. I want to feel that joy. I keep waiting for the relief. But the truth is, I didn't get a job, and all of my problems were solved overnight.

The difficulties march ever onward. If you thought a paycheck would cure all my problems, you weren't alone, but you would be wrong.

I didn't move and instantly make a dozen fabulous friends. Six months after my move and I'm still struggling to meet people and make friends.

Life is still a constant struggle between peaceful solitude and aching loneliness. And being around all my loved ones this weekend, only exasperated the loneliness.

I still dream and hope and wait for the joy to come after so many years of adversity. I have faith that it will come. I just hope I will recognize it when it comes.

Being Single is Not a Curse!

Reprint of an article posted in Meridian Magazine from July 2010. 

Today I took a long walk in the woods with my dog. It was a beautiful and perfect afternoon. I brought my camera and a book and made myself comfortable on a bench for a few hours. It really was lovely. But I can't say "it was all I could have wanted,” because as I sat there on the bench, overlooking a beautiful valley, basking in my personal perfect day, all I could think about was how much I wanted there to be a special someone sitting beside me. How I longed for a meaningful conversation with a special someone. How if the right person were beside me I could put my head on his shoulder, and hold his hand, and just gaze on that view forever. But the bench was empty beside me.

I'm single. Very single. And there are many days when I wonder if there will ever be a special someone to sit beside me again. There are days when I question what I did to deserve to be single. Is this punishment for some sin I have committed? How much longer until I have repented? Is this the life my Heavenly Father wants for me? Will I ever have children? Will that bench forever be empty because of some choice I don't remember making? And I am not alone in my fears and concerns.

Questions of “Why am I still single?” “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” “Why does he get to be married and not me?” “How can she be married twice and I still haven’t found one husband?” “I’ve prayed for it and I’m a good person, so why hasn’t the Lord sent me an eternal companion?” “How am I ever supposed to fit in at church when it is all about families, and I don’t have one?” “Why should I have to sit through another lesson about parenting when I’ll probably never be a parent myself?” “Why should I go to another ward activity geared toward children and families? I won't fit in,” and so many other questions of doubt are common and not unusual in the minds of an unmarried member of the Church.

The Truth Hurts

Singles often feel alienated or left out of the general membership of the Church. Without children, or without spouses, what place is there for them at ward activities that are so often family oriented? When lessons and advice are given regarding strengthening family relationships, what do they have to offer to the lesson or to take away from it?
But maybe the most difficult part of being single, particularly for those individuals who have passed the more culturally traditional younger years of courtship and have entered into their thirties, forties, and older, is wondering why I have not found a spouse? Why have I not been so blessed? “Am I so hard to love? What’s wrong with me? Am I not faithful enough? Why doesn’t anyone want me?” All of these questions can be painful and difficult to ask, and at times can lead to an individual’s slow departure from activity within the Church, where so many discussions revolve around eternal marriage, faithfulness, and endurance.

Elder Neal Maxwell in his book “And These Things Shall Give Thee Experience,” counseled that we are not being punished when we do not receive that which we desire. Sometimes the Lord has other plans for us. It is our job to do our best, and be happy, no matter what the situation. I would like to think that the alternative to not getting married and being a mother should be a high-paying job with lots of adventure and excitement. Sadly, this does not seem to be the plan for me either.

The Secret to Happiness

To find happiness and contentment in our lives, no matter our situation, is often the ultimate challenge. Whether it be the family dealing with financial downturn, or an infertile couple longing for a child, or the desperate desire to find love and a mate, the challenge is to find “joy in the journey,” even when the journey is not the one we expected or wanted to take.

President Thomas S. Monson said it this way, “This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief.

Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not.

I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.”

So singles, I ask you this- are you finding joy in the journey? Are you happy? Are you living your life to the fullest, in spite of the fact that maybe you are not living the life you want to have? It can be hard. It can be really hard. It hurts going to church on Sunday and sitting alone. It hurts sitting in Relief Society listening to a lesson on parenting or love at home or when someone talks about the joys of marriage. And nothing is more irritating when a young bride half your age tearfully says,”I prayed so long and hard and waited for so long to find the right man.” All you can think is, “Honey, I'll show you what waiting forever feels like!” How is it possible to be happy and find joy in the journey when cards seem to be stacked against you?

Elder Maxwell described these challenges as one of the “hard doctrines” of the Gospel.  He quoted author C.S. Lewis in this regard, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

Being Single is NOT a Curse!!

Being single is not a curse, or an affliction. It is not a trial that you must “overcome.” Your life, your mission, your Plan, is not a trial! It is simply that the Lord has other desires for you. What role has He carved out for you? What do you have to offer? The Lord knows you, your talents, and has provided you with the circumstances so that you may do your best. It is not an accident that you were born at this time and place. You must find your self-worth and be an instrument in the Lord’s hands. “The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God.” There was no postscript that said “Except some will be worth more than others because they got married and raised a family. Through no fault of your own you will not be worth as much.”  The Lord values you, and has put you in the situation where he needs you. Give yourself to the Lord so that you may be the person He needs you to be.

You must find your calling in life and magnify it. Some will be called to be mothers and fathers. Others will not be held back by the constraints of a family so that they may serve in other ways to the wards, communities, and even the world around them. Being single is not a limitation or condemnation. It is the opportunity to expand and do more, while living a Gospel-centered life. Marriage does not solve any one’s problems. Marriage alone will not make you happy. You must be happy with who you are above all else. Find joy in your journey!

How to Plan Activities for Singles over 30 (So They’ll Come and Not Resent You)

I don't like day old-zucchini bread, but I bought some anyway. Felt a special kinship to it because it's cheap, stale and never has any dates.

Question of the day- is it possible to plan activities for singles over 30 that they will actually enjoy, attend, and not roll their eyes at the mere suggestion of?

Answer- sometimes, but not usually.

Let’s dive in.

It is not easy to plan activities for singles over 30. Even more so, it is hard to plan activities that they will actually enjoy and want to attend.  Why? Because one size does not fit all. The larger the age span amongst the singles, the harder it is to include and entertain everyone. Add in all of the demographics and you’ll find it is impossible to please the masses. Some of the demographics include:

• Divorced? Never married? Widowed? Still bitter over the divorce? 
• Do they have children at home? With their former spouse? In another state? Are they toddlers or high schoolers? Are they grandparents? 
• Careers? Doctors? Bus drivers? School teachers? Military? Long hours? Work from home?
• Distance to the chapel? Distance to other singles? 
• Financially stable? Struggling economically? In graduate school? 
• Shy? Outgoing? Attractive? Overweight? Gym rat? Socially conservative? Socially awkward?

There are a lot of things to take into consideration when planning activities. Let’s get one thing straight- no one idea will appeal to all groups. Trust me, I’ve tried. It just won’t happen.

Here are a few key things to keep in mind when planning activities.

First and foremost- do not treat 40 year olds the same way that you would also treat 14 year olds. There is a very bad habit amongst Singles Representatives (whether they are married or single representatives) to forget that they are planning and working with singles, and they tend to treat the singles like they are still immature teenagers. Keep this in mind as well when deciding whether or not chaperones are necessary or just silly. In my personal opinion, this is the biggest mistake most planners make.

Singles over 30 are not the same as teenagers who are learning to socialize in mixed groups. Singles over 30 are very aware of the opposite sex and do not need chaperons to encourage such behavior. If the singles want to talk, they will talk. If they aren’t talking, it is because they don’t want to! Remember the old adage, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” I’d like to add on one more line to that when you are working with singles, “But you can remind him he’s thirsty!” You can plan all the activities you want, but you can’t make the opposite sexes speak to each other if they don’t want to. But you just might succeed in reminding them that they want to look more at the opposite sex.

Second, you can please some of the people some of the time, but you’ll never please all of the people all of the time.  So don’t try to please all age groups and all demographics of single adults at the same time. Plan some activities to cater to your older attendees, and plan some to cater to your younger attendees. And maybe (depending on the reactions of your locals) considering advertising it as such, to encourage the right target audience to attend.

Third, do not plan activities for 40 year olds that you would also plan for 14 year olds. Is there anything you enjoy doing in middle-age that you also enjoyed in your early teen years? Probably not. Keep that in mind as you try to plan activities.

Next, less structured activities are best! This brings me to my first personal example. I have attended very forced structured FHE activities, held in the chapel, and I have attended simple Monday night get-togethers in homes.  My favorite activity was when the singles of my family ward would get together at a popular restaurant on Monday nights for dollar burgers and dollar drinks. It was very informal, and attendees were welcome to show up late. We just sat around and talked and enjoyed each other’s company. No one was under obligation to order food or drinks, plan a lesson or give a thought. But everyone has to eat dinner, so why not do it together? These completely unstructured, unforced, simple, conversation friendly gatherings started small with just a few attendees and quickly grew to our largest activities.

Singles are busy with jobs, responsibilities, and many other things.

The activities that are planned for them have to compete against the “real world” facing singles. When you have worked hard all week, cleaned house, paid the bills, filled your ward calling, and walked the dog, do chips and fruit punch followed by a forced awkward conversation in the cultural hall sound interesting? Plan activities that excite people to want to attend. Give attendees something to look forward to. Consider doing fewer small, weekly, or monthly activities in favor of larger “outside of the chapel” activities instead. Give people plenty of time to schedule the activities into their lives and budget their money if necessary. Again, I will point out the obvious, life is different over 30, as compared to when we were teenagers, or young college students where all we had to think about was school and the opposite sex. Now we just wish that was all that we have to think about!

So what activities might actually appeal to singles? This is a tough and loaded question. Every demographic will have a different answer. Every different town will have different answers. The list below are nothing more than what appealed to me, a 35-year-old, never married, socially-outgoing, big-city woman, who likes good conversation and big outdoor events. And I can absolutely guarantee that someone is reading this article disagreeing with everything I have said- which actually only proves my point further- single adults are not a “one size fits all” category. What works in one town with one group of singles will probably bomb and be a disaster in another town.

Activity ideas

Service projects, service projects, and more service projects. Really, you can never have too many service projects.

Local sporting events- pick a local team, whether it is major or minor leagues, or even the local high school, and become supportive fans. Buying group tickets to multiple games usually means you can get a significant discount.

Outdoor concerts- especially free concerts!

Overnight camping trips

Beach or lake trips

Hikes- try not to do anything too difficult that will scare off the less pedestally gifted. Rent out a local movie theater for a private screening of a popular movie. Invite attendees to invite non-member friends to join them. Fill the theater with friends and allow for time for socializing before and after.

Potluck Sunday dinners (someplace besides the chapel)

Monthly dinner groups at popular local restaurants

When your stake organizes basketball/volleyball/softball teams, ask if the singles can be a team, instead of participating on ward teams.

Do look around and ask if most of your participants are single parents. Consider offering daycare during the activity.

Advertise, advertise, advertise. Call each individual ward bulletin rep and ask him/her to advertise the activity. You never know who will only learn about your activity that way.
Pick up the phone and invite all of your inactive attendees for every activity.

Things to consider not doing

Dances- dances are fun in moderation. But do you remember how awkward it was to dance in the church gym when you were 15? It doesn’t get less awkward at 35, especially when most of the opposite sex are the same age as your dad/mom (or older!).  Have dances, just don’t only have dances.

Activities that force people to talk to complete strangers while other people watch.  Always ask yourself, “If I was new here, would I want to be forced to talk to this person twice my age that I have nothing in common with while doing this activity?” If you have to stop and think about the answer, don’t do it.

Gear all your activities to the younger crowd/older crowd. Remember that what will be interesting to the over 50 crowd will not be of interest to the under 40 crowd. Don’t try to please both groups at the same time. Try to please them at different times.

Plan an activity just to impress or include one person. Come on, admit it planners, you have done this at least once. I know there are more than a few guilty parties out there who planned an elaborate or specific event just to catch the attention of one special someone. How do you think the rest of your attendees felt about that activity?

Speed-dating- here’s another great example of something that will sound fun to a select few, and will send the rest of the crowd running. Men in particular do not care to be forced into a situation where they have to talk to someone they don’t know, and may not care to know better.  No one appreciates forced conversation.

(That being said, yes, some people love speed-dating.)

Don’t hold all of your activities at the chapel. Try to get out of the ward building and into member’s homes, or outside, or into local venues.

Now it is time for a confession from me. I didn't go to a church sponsored singles activity for nearly three years. There was once a day where I was the activity planning queen and had vowed to support all of my singles activities, because I knew how hard it was to plan the activities.

So why did I stop attending? Well, first it was because I moved to a new town. I was the only single in my ward, and one of the very few singles in my stake. We didn’t have any activities, or at least, I never heard about any of them. I attempted to attend the activities of a nearby singles ward. But while I am outgoing and unafraid, I absolutely hate walking into a new environment where I don’t know anyone. I went to a few activities and felt so out of place that I gave up. That cycle repeated itself for the next few years.  I’d get up the guts to attend, find myself alone and out of place, and just leave. There weren’t any other singles in my wards, and I had to put a lot of effort into going to other ward’s activities. When I would hear about the activities, they rarely sounded like something I wanted to put a lot of effort into attending. So there I was a single woman, who really didn’t have many ways of meeting other LDS singles, who would have loved to attend activities, but the activities were what was keeping me away. I wish my stake had provided activities, or at the very least, that the coordinators from my stake (if we even had them) had tried to invite me out.

Single adult activities are often a “never give up, never surrender” trial. You may feel like you have bombed and everyone hates your activities. But somewhere, I can promise you, there is one single who was grateful you gave them the chance to get out and make friends that day. So don’t give up! Never surrender! Just get up and try, try again!

What should we do with the singles?

Have you ever asked yourself, "What should we do with the singles?"

One way to "help" the LDS singles is to ask whether or not the Single Adult program in your area is helping single church members "choose the good part." Not too many years ago, Elder Marvin J. Ashton encouraged everyone, particularly the women, to "choose the good part."

Many single adult programs are set up to serve as a "meet market." This thwarts the purpose of helping the participants choose the better part. Just like all other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, singles are faced with the challenge of living life fully, richly, and joyfully. The only difference between singles and the rest of the Church is that singles must learn to do it alone.

In a family centered church, where it is expected that happiness depends upon a family and spouse, singles frequently feel as if they are not supposed to feel happiness or joy in their situation. Or somehow it is impossible to feel joy in their situation. In spite of their many accomplishments outside of the home, some singles feel they have somehow failed at life because they are not yet married. It is imperative to provide a program that allows singles to choose the better part.

The best council we can all seek is that of President Hinckley. He said to the singles who wish to be married, "Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably.

"I believe that for most of us the best medicine for loneliness is work, service in behalf of others. I do not minimize your problems, but I do not hesitate to say that there are many others whose problems are more serious than are yours. Reach out to serve them, to help them, to encourage them. There are so many boys and girls who fail in school for want of a little personal attention and encouragement. There are so many elderly people who live in misery and loneliness and fear for whom a simple conversation would bring a measure of hope and happiness."

Singles programs need to reach out to include every single from every walk of life. Many singles feel that their lives revolve around nothing but themselves. Everywhere they go and everything they do they are reminded that they are single. Allow church to be the one place where their marital status is not their defining characteristic.

Tips for a Successful Singles Activity

If you are asking yourself why you have 500 singles in your area, and yet only 20 show up for your bi-monthly potluck and fireside and dance combo night, instead of adding another exciting element to the night, ask yourself first if your singles program is set up to fulfill the guidelines President Hinckley outlined above, and then ask the singles what they would like to do for activities. Give the singles the opportunity to meet in each other's homes. Give them the chance to serve each other. If the thought, "What do singles like to do?" crosses your mind, ask yourself how you would like to spend an evening making new friends. Singles are people too.

Elder John K. Carmack Of the First Quorum of the Seventy offered a few observations for singles ("To My Single Friends," Ensign, Mar. 1989, 27):

1. Marriage is more likely to come as a result of being involved in other useful activities and goals.

2. Keep a long-range, spiritual perspective.

3. Maintain a loving, tolerant mortal perspective, too.

4. Look outward and away from yourself.

Guidelines for activities might include the following (and these are applicable to more than just a singles activity!):

Create opportunities for new interaction.
Create activities that allow people to relax out of their comfort zone. When planning the activity, ask yourself how comfortable you would be in a room surrounded by new people attempting the feat at hand.
Be innovative; go beyond the ward barbecue.
Make sure the purpose of the activity is more entertaining than the best that TV has to offer that night. If you didn't have to be there, would you want to be?
Don't waste your budget on the decorations or food. Delegating these opportunities to the attendees to be involved in the success of the activity will up your attendance numbers and encourage participation.


What Not to Say to a Single

Singles frequently hear criticism that they are too picky and that is why it has taken them so long to get married. Relationships are not as easy today as they once were. This generation has seen divorce rates climb, as our parents', friends', and siblings' marriages have failed. Telling someone to lose their "high" standards is the equivalent of telling them to ignore divorce rates and the factors that lead to it. As a single I have frequently heard variations on the misquote "any two righteous persons can get married and make a marriage work." And then someone tells me not to be picky - that I should be able to marry anyone and be happy. A more appropriate quote was given by Elder Marion Hanks in 1984:

"I [wish] to testify that the principles and covenants of the gospel, particularly those of the temple, are the best possible basis on which to build a strong union; and that such a marriage never just happens. It is brought about not simply by ceremony or circumstance or chance, but by two mature, loving adults who are able and willing to learn the principles upon which a vital and durable marriage may be fashioned and who, day by day, year by year, work on that process."

How You Can Help the Singles Feel Comfortable in a Family Ward

Treat them like normal people. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Singles Are People Too

In summary, what can you do with the Singles? Allow them to serve you and serve them. Integrate them fully into all ward and stake activities. Treat them like any other adult in your stake. Provide them with a service and gospel-oriented program.

Aging

I'm fairly used to the fact that I look a little young for my age. I don't mean this in any sort of bragging way. If anything, I wouldn't mind looking a little bit more mature just so I could get a little more professional respect. When people think you are half your age, you get treated that way (and paid that way).
But truth be told, I'm starting my mid-life crisis. And I'm attending my 20th high school reunion this weekend.
It's so cliche to say it, but it's hard to believe it has been 20 years since I graduated from high school. How is that even possible?
I mentioned to someone today that I would be going to the reunion this weekend, and he responded that I still look like I am in high school.
Ha.
That's just what you think!
I may look 18 now (really, I don't think I do. I think I can pass for mid-20's, but 18? not so much.), but I promise you, I did not look like this at 18.
Shall we go to the photographic evidence? And mock my awesome looks in the 80s and 90s?
Here I am at age 18 and my high school graduation. Please note: I did not exactly have the blond, golden locks I have now.

I would be the short one in the graduation white robe. My younger sister Natalie is taller than me. (Has been for many years now.) Sidenote: today I was mistaken for the little girl I am holding in this picture. That is my baby sister Stephanie, who was only 4 years old when I graduated.

As you can see, my natural hair color  back then was a much, much darker blond, bordering on brown.
Next we have a lovely picture from my college years.

Don't ask why we are posing with Citrucel. It's a ridiculous story.

This picture was taken a few weeks before my 20th birthday. (And was before I discovered eyebrow waxing/tweezing.)
And just for good measure, here's what I look like now-

Me and little cousin Lexi Doodle. Who doesn't love a little kid missing their teeth?

Okay, now I realize I haven't really proven my point very well. Apparently my hair has changed, but not much else. In my mind, I really don't look anything like I did when I was 18. But in these pictures it is hard to prove that, other than my hair. But really, at 18, I was 50 lbs lighter, very flat chested (often went without even wearing a bra), had short, curly blond-brown hair, and would never dare have left the house without makeup and earrings on. Now? I might wear mascara if I didn't get much sleep the night before. I can't remember the last time I wore earrings. My hair is light blond and elbow length. And I wear bras that come with gravity defying money-back guarantees.

And now, just for fun, here are some fun 80s pictures of my hair for you-

Behold my 8th grade class picture! I worked hard to get my hair to wing out on the sides like that. 

And 9th grade! Complete with perm and tall bangs! And an acid wash pleated jean skirt. I should be so ashamed, but mostly I'm just greatly amused. I thought I looked totally rad in this outfit!

And no self-shaming high school post would be complete without a prom picture. I was 17 in this picture. And clearly already showing my not-big-on-glamor side.

With all of this humiliation out of the way (not really. i really don't care what i looked like back then.), I am totally ready for my high school reunion.

Seasons Change

From the frequency I've been posting on this blog lately you might think I forgot I have a blog.
That's kind of true. I really do tend to forget about blogging.
It's possible the rumors are true- blogging is dead.
I can't even really think of anything to share or say. My life is pretty dull lately. I have come to accept something new about this iteration of my life. My social life won't really be daily or even weekly activities. If anything, most of my social interactions will probably be on long weekends, or for special events. I really didn't see that coming, so it's an unusual development to acknowledge and accept. But it's a little liberating to see it and accept it. It takes the pressure off feeling like my weekends need to be more social, or that I need to be "putting myself out there" more.
This past weekend I had a great time with a small group of friends down in southern Virginia. We had a nice little weekend country/mountain escape with great food, music, and scenery. The truth is I would rather socialize in these settings where you can really get to know people better, than the typical alternatives (parties, dinners, etc.).

I'm starting to appreciate this "season" of life a little bit more. Sometimes it isn't easy to love and enjoy this stage/phase/season of life (that stage being an 'older' single) because the world tells us we're not supposed to like it. Supposedly we're supposed to be a little depressed and down on ourselves because we're not married with children. And if we express how much we like our lives, well, then that's the reason we're not married. There's a strange Catch-22 that isn't true.
The truth is, I'm making the most of the life I have and I am always open-minded about the future and change. I wouldn't want a life devoid of change. It's not who I am.
But for right now, I am enjoying my current situation. I enjoy my job. I enjoy my side ventures and projects. I enjoy meeting new people and making friends. I enjoy my personal time and privacy.
It's an unexpected development to wake up and discover I like my situation. But I hope it stays (and by 'it' I mean my acceptance) for a while. 

The Price of Being Single

 A few weeks ago I reached my breaking point. I was desperate for social interaction, preferably with other Mormon singles. My local area does not have a singles program, so I rely on friends in other towns to keep me informed of activities. And as luck would have it, there was a singles activity taking place near one of my friends.
I had to drive a few hours to get there. I left at 8:30 a.m. and got home around 8:30 p.m. I spent about $50 in gas, plus $10 admission, and money for food. All in all, this singles activity took up 12 hours of my day, and cost me about $75.
$75 is a lot of money for a social outing, but especially so in my underemployed condition.
Was it worth it? Well... not really.
The activity itself was okay. I got to see my friend and chat with her, and that was nice. I don't think she will be offended though if I say that I wouldn't normally spend $75 just for the chance to hang out with her. I met some nice people at the activity, but nothing really important or interesting. It was mostly just chatting to pass the time. There were 15 women and 3 men there. If you are a Mormon single over 30, and not in a singles congregation, you probably are impressed with that number. 3 whole men! That's not a bad number! If you are not over 30, Mormon, and single, (or you are in an industrious and active singles ward), you probably are shocked that I would drive a round-trip 6 hours and spend $75 for those odds. Such is life as an old maid Mormon.
As for me, I just kind of feel like it wasn't a good use of my funds. It did get me out of the house, and I did get to see an historical site I have never visited before, so I can't complain too much. But mostly I wish I had my $75 back to buy a new dress or put into savings.
This is the cost of being single. You have no choice but to invest financially and hope for a payoff. But after so very many years of being single, I can't help but feel like I have made some very poor investment decisions. And maybe I should save my money rather than throw it after big dreams with poor returns.

Hey You! Check out my new novels, "You Heard It Here First" and the sequel "This Just In!"

Malleable

Today a friend told me that she thinks I've been single and independent so long (too long) that I would probably never be able to settle down, partner up, and be happy with another person. The friend that said it knows me somewhat well, but probably not all that well, at the same time. She knows something aspects of my life, but not much about my past, or friends outside of Roanoke.
This is not a new remark. I think most singles hear it a few times after a certain age. And don't get me wrong, I do think that after a certain amount of time living alone and getting set in your ways, it does become harder and harder to integrate your life with another person's.
But the keyword here is "set in your ways."
This may be the thing that has been the most complicated and frustrated aspect of unemployment and aloneness these last few years. I don't have the luxury of getting set in my ways. I live in someone else's house. The dishes are not where I would like them to go. The couch and the TV are not where I would put them either. I have no control over any of the decor. I have little to no control over my future right now. I'm at the mercy of others in far too many ways. I can only wish I was getting set in my ways. I live for that day to come and happen to me again! I want my own place! I want to decide what brand of appliances to buy! I want to have the most important opinion over the dishes!
If anything can actually really be said about my life, especially these last few years, I am most definitely NOT set in my ways.
Now, don't get me wrong, this odd little recluse on the mountain lifestyle has killed my social skills. I crave conversation terribly. And then when I do get a chance to talk to a friend in-person it's like a volcano explosion. I'm Old Faithful, ready to burst at any moment. I get a little too excited and have way too much to say.  And that is a problem I really need to work on.
Set in my ways? Not really, not so much, but I don't blame others for thinking that might be the case. But really, with the punches I've had to roll with in the past few years, I've learned what few things really matter, and what things don't. I become more flexible by the day. If I don't hurry up and get a job soon, I'll become completely porous, unable to hold an opinion of my own!




Hey You! Check out my new novels, "You Heard It Here First" and the sequel "This Just In!"

Men don’t reach their thirties still single because they are good at dating (but then, neither do the women)

By way of explanation for my non-LDS friends. This past weekend was the LDS General Conference. Twice a year Mormons gather around laptops, TVs, radios, and sometimes even go to churches, for a whole weekend, and listen to “conference talks” from Salt Lake City. Some of our most beloved leaders give speeches or talks, on the subject of their choosing (but there is often an unofficial theme). Four of the sessions are “general sessions,” for the whole family to watch and listen. The weekend before conference is the special all women’s session, and Saturday night of conference is the all men’s session (known as the priesthood session).
For the most part, women don’t watch the priesthood session, or pay much attention to it. They can if they want (it isn’t secret), but they have to go out of their way to do so. I went out of my way this year and read the official transcript that was sent to the press for the male session.

The talk by Elder D. Todd Christofferson during the priesthood session really jumped out at me. I was so affected by his talk that I’ve decided to share almost the full thing below.
You see, I’m tired and frustrated with the men I meet. I’m not referring just to the single men I may meet for romantic purposes (which almost never happens anyway). It seems that everywhere you look, men aren’t trying anymore. I’ve struggled internally, and even read magazine articles and books, trying to understand when men stopped caring about BEING MEN.
Are the women partially to blame? Did the women’s liberation movement, and ascent to equality, somehow make the men stop trying to carry the load? If so, that isn’t really the women’s fault. It’s like saying my neighbor mows his yard so well, that I decided to stop mowing mine because it isn’t as good as his. Stupid logic. And yet? It might be true.
I want a real man. I want a man who impresses me. I want to meet women who impress me. I have no tolerance for a pansy who doesn’t try to live up to his potential. (And the same goes for women as well.)
To quote Christofferson (who was quoting the book, “Manning Up”)-
It’s been an almost universal rule of civilization that whereas girls became women simply by reaching physical maturity, boys had to pass a test.  They needed to demonstrate courage, physical prowess, or mastery of the necessary skills.  The goal was to prove their competence as protectors of women and children; this was always their primary social role.  Today, however, with women moving ahead in an advanced economy, provider husbands and fathers are now optional, and the character qualities men had needed to play their role—fortitude, stoicism, courage, fidelity—are obsolete and even a little embarrassing.
A few months ago I went to Duck Beach with a few thousand of my fellow Mormon singles. When I returned I went straight to a nannying job, for the same family I tended to last week. At that time I wrote a column for Meridian about my experiences. In it I said that after a week of “fake mommying” and a weekend of wild, and carefree single life, I had made some changes. I realized I could be a single mother, and I could handle it. If you’ve read this blog for many years you know how much I have wanted to be a foster parent and to adopt, with or without a husband. I took care of 4 children, by myself, for a week. I survived. I enjoyed it. And I learned that I am capable and able of being a single mother.
But my experiences also gave me second thoughts about some of the men I met at the beach. When I left the beach there were probably four guys on my radar. They were each fun, attractive, and interesting. One I lost interest in before I even got home. Two held my interest a bit longer, but I realized after playing “fake mommy,” that they were not the kind of man I want to have around. And the fourth one, well, wait a few paragraphs, you’ll see.
I learned I can do it all by myself. I have lived alone for years. I can change the light bulbs in the vaulted ceiling. I own my own power tools. I can change the oil in my car. I can earn an honest living and support myself. And it turns out, I can do it all while taking care of four children.
I don’t NEED a man to take care of me.
I WANT a man who will take care of me.
It is a huge burden and a lot of work to carry load alone. I don’t want to. I don’t want to do it all alone.
I don’t know when the tides of dating changed. There wasn’t a date marked in red on the calendar to let me know when it was time to move on to the next level. In fact, I may have only noticed today that the tides changed.
When I was in high school I often heard the advice, “Smile and be nice to the boys, and they will be nice to you.” I also regularly heard, “Friendship, not courtship, should be the relationship between teenagers.”
And then, still a teenager, I graduated from high school and went off to college. Suddenly it wasn’t about friendship, and it was all about marriage. The advice changed to “Don’t chase the boys. Let them come to you. That’s how you get a man!” Throughout my twenties that advice was repeated many times. Don’t try too hard! Put yourself out there, but let them come to you! In the cutthroat and often competitive world of singles wards, that was some hard advice to take.
One day I woke up in my thirties and the advice had changed again. “Don’t wait for a man to call you! Ask him out! How else will he know you are interested? The world has changed! These men don’t know how to date. You have to make it happen for yourself!”
I fear for the advice I’ll get in my forties! Can someone warn me now what I’ll be hearing then? I want to be well prepared (because I’ve always felt a little behind thus far)!
My mother likes to say, “Men don’t reach their thirties still single because they are good at dating.” She makes a valid point. I’ll admit, I don’t think many of the women are good at it either.
I confess, I am tired. I am tired of dating. I am tired of wondering which piece of advice I should take, and then second guessing, worried I applied the wrong one.
But what is most exhausting may come as a surprise to you.
I’m tired of meeting great guys.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m tired of meeting all of the Mr. Wrongs out there too. I’d rather meet a great guy than another loser.
But it is the good ones that let relationships dissipate or fall apart that I am tired of.
I used to be a big believer in the “He’s just not that into you,” mode of thought. It helped me accept a lack of action and move on. But I’ve discovered there is a new breed out there, a new problem. These are the men (and maybe women do this too, but I highly doubt it) who are good, who are interesting, and with whom there is an attraction and interest. But they do nothing about it.
I used to say, “It’s okay, he’s just not that into you,” and move on. After all, I’ve “not been” into plenty of guys. I can accept that not all guys are into me.
But I have learned that there are guys who are into you, who are interested. It isn’t always just in your head. They really are interested and inviting.
But there is a failure to launch, a lack of spark, or whatever you want to call it. And he just doesn’t pull his weight. The relationship fails because a woman can only do so much on her own.
That is what I am tired of. I’m tired of dating. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of waiting for him to figure out that's a brick that landed on his head. I’m tired of trying to figure it all out. I’m tired of blaming myself for not being cute/thin/smart/funny/spiritual/geeky/ditzy/whatever enough.
I’m tired of men not being real men.
I want a man who is not going to let his life pass him by as he plays video games, or pursues career advancement or money. The longer he does that, the longer he is passing by life with me. And quite frankly, I don’t appreciate that. I have stepped up and moved on. I have made a life for myself. I have traveled, experimented, grown, changed, and lived. Maybe I don’t have cash in the bank or a three bedroom house to prove my stature. But I have lived, and I am better for it.
I want a man who wants to live. I want a man who wants to be a man! I want a man like the one described in Elder Christofferson's talk (read it after the jump)!

To date, or not to date. I hate this question.

At one point in time this blog was somewhat about dating, adventures in business travel, and my ever so exciting social life.
That was a very long time ago.
Now I have almost no social life to speak of, can't remember the last time I went on a date, and business travel involves walking from my bedroom to the tv room.
*sigh*
And yet in 4 weeks I have a wedding to attend. Not just any wedding, my little sister's wedding. This is a very traditional, formal wedding. (Not a temple Mormon wedding.) The kind with dancing, and a seated dinner. (And please, please not a boring receiving line for 3 hours reception.) (I'm in the wedding party. I have no desire to stand in a receiving line all night. I don't even go through receiving lines when I attend wedding receptions. BORING.)
Which brings me to my point. At LDS weddings we don't care about bringing dates to wedding receptions. (Why? Because 9 times out of 10, it is just a receiving line with a few appetizers served. You stand around, shake a hand or two, eat something, and leave. Mormon weddings are painfully not exciting, let alone formal or traditional. Unless you are the couple getting married.) But, since this is hardly what I'd call an LDS wedding, I'm debating on whether or not I should bring a date? Or do I risk it and be the old maid with no date at her baby sister's wedding? Or if I bring a date am I going to have to spend the next six months to a year explaining it was just a date, and no, he's nothing serious? (Because, yes, that is what will happen.) No, I don't care what other people think. But I also don't want to have to spend the whole evening dancing with my nephews. I've seen the guest list. No single men my age.
But then, when you see just how truly awful I look in the bridesmaid's dress, you will also understand my hesitancy to ask someone to be seen with me all night. (It's a lovely dress. I actually helped pick it out. However, the color is just about the worst possible color on me possible. I look downright sickly and odd in it.)
Yes, all shallow problems. But nonetheless, things that are forced upon us in the "first world."
It makes me miss living in a developing country where I would never care about such things.

Single Mormon Woman Shares All

Earlier this week I wrote a piece for Meridian Magazine entitled "Where are the Role Models for Single Women?" Today I read a great piece in the Washington Post, "Some people never find the love of their lives. And live to tell about it." It is accompanied by the results of a fascinating survey about single life.
As a Single Mormon Woman I found that I could relate to much of the article, but less so to the survey results. Very rarely were my answers the same as the majority of answers. I believe this is partially due to my Mormon background, as well as my discomfort with my current financial and professional situations (which, yes, are improving, but are far from perfect). It is possible that if those two areas of my life were more stable and secure that I may have different answers.

Yesterday something very interesting happened to me. I have lived in Roanoke for nearly two years, and for the first time since moving here I was invited to a social event [that wasn't with my family members]. Yes, for the first time in nearly two years, I got invited out to play. At first I was just happy to be invited and to attend. It wasn't until a few hours before the party that it hit me- I'm the only single in this town. I'm going to a party that will undoubtedly be all married couples- and me. I've been in these situations before and they can be downright miserable when you are the third wheel. However, I thought about it, and knew that it was very likely that the other guests would all be couples I am friends with. I went to the party, and I had a good time. I was very grateful that someone would think to invite me, rather than exclude me just because it might be strange to have that one single girl there in a room full of couples. Because heaven knows, we singles do get left out often enough because we don't have a spouse.

With all of that in mind, I'd like to expand a little bit on what I read in Meridian, and reference the Washington Post article, as I make a few more points. I have inserted more thoughts throughout the piece below than just what originally ran on Meridian. I have not indicated when I have not done that.


What the Young Woman Lesson Manual Said
“Invite an exemplary sister (preferably one who has married in the temple and has a family), who has been approved by priesthood advisers, to speak to the young women about the joy of being a woman. Ask her to relate some joys and challenges she has experienced, including some when she was the age of the young women in the class. She might tell about specific experiences and choices that helped her stay close to Heavenly Father and the blessings and joy that resulted. She should emphasize the joy of being a woman at every age. Suggest that she take about twenty minutes. Ask her to allow time for the young women to ask her questions and express their feelings.
“OR
“You may invite a grandmother, mother, and young married woman, who have been approved by priesthood advisers, to briefly express the joys of womanhood they are presently experiencing. You might suggest that they also mention joys they experienced when they were the age of the young women. Stress to each that she is allowed only five or six minutes. You might offer to time them and signal when their time is up.”

What I (the single, never married, young woman adviser) Heard-
Single women are not impressive. And we don’t want girls to think single women are role models. Oh and apparently a man is needed to determine what a good woman is, women can't figure that out for themselves.


This is copied, verbatim, from the Young Women Manual, Lesson 5: Finding Joy in Our Divine Potential. And it was the lesson taught this past Sunday to young women around the world. It even included a sub-heading “We Can Experience Joy at Every Stage of Life.” I’m just curious, did anyone remember to include the “stage” of being single? Did anyone explain to the young women how this stage is not the same as your college years? Didn’t anyone mention that while we hope and pray they get married, and have a family, that statistically speaking that for 50% of them “single” wouldn’t be a “stage” of life, it would be how she will spend her entire life?

No? No one. I’m not surprised.

Who Will Be My Role Model?
For the past few years I have used the following description in my professional writing biography, "Erin Ann is equal parts Mother Teresa, Anne Shirley and Carrie Bradshaw.” This description has been met by a few to great criticism. What was an LDS woman doing describing herself with a Catholic nun and as the fictional character from “Sex and the City?” Let me explain- they were single women I could relate to. Carrie Bradshaw was a single woman in her thirties, a writer, and looking for love. In that respect I had a lot in common with her. Of course if someone were to make a sitcom about my life it would probably have the less than tantalizing title "No Sex in the Suburbs.” I may not be Carrie Bradshaw in many respects, but I can definitely relate to her.

Poking the hornet's nest one more time

Since I seemed to have stirred up a hornet's nest these past few weeks regarding dating, happiness, single life, etc., I thought I'd have one last little fun jab at it.
DISCLAIMER
The email I am about to share and exploit came to be from a non-secular dating site. The person who sent it to me does not know my name. He knows very precious little about me. He is not LDS. In other words, chances are slim to none that he will ever find and read this blog. Which is the only way and reason I will exploit the following conversation here.

The first email I received from him was one of those lame little "you're cute" wink/flirt things.
I checked out his profile, and found absolutely nothing of interest to me in it. He is not by most women's standards attractive, had poor photos of himself posted, and his personal information was more about his dog than about him.
In other words, he's just not for me. It's that simple.
I like to be polite and not leave people hanging. I think it is rude to not respond when people send winks or flirts. So I sent back the generic little, "Thanks, but no thanks" thing.
And then I got this in response-

Why?
You know little to nothing about me as a person. You've never met me, you've never even heard my voice on the phone. Why are you judging me already?

Well, first, this snotty, rude reply is an even bigger turnoff. I was tempted not to respond, but I sat on it a few days and decided to politely explain myself. I'm looking for someone with more education, a different style of humor, and that physically I felt no spark. 

Again he replied.

 I don't even remember writing to you. I NEVER get positive responses and I just want to know why. Am I wrong to feel this way? What if I was to tell you things about me as an individual, such as things I like to to for fun, my personal opinions about certain things, etc. then is it at all possible that maybe you might become interested?

 Seriously, good people of the online dating world- this should never have to be a question. Should he tell me what he likes to do for fun, share opinions, and describe himself as an individual? SERIOUSLY??? 


DUH!!


What the crap else would you put in a profile?? (well, in his case, I know how many times a day his dog gets walked.) These profiles are meant to sell YOU as an individual!!! This is not rocket science!!


People, dating is not a pretty happy world out there. It isn't all Prince Charming sitting around with a dozen roses looking for a woman to sweep off her feet. So maybe you can cut some of us a little slack when we say it is hard to find a good guy. We're busy dodging landmines and idiots to find them. 


And now, unless I do happen to meet a Prince Charming this week, I'm taking a short hiatus from discussing relationships, singles, and dating. (At least until my column comes out next week.) I'm tired!

A Single Thought - again!

I've started writing my old column, "A Single Thought," for Meridian Magazine again! Way back when - 5 years ago- when I stopped writing it, I was co-writing it with Juli. But this time I'm taking a different angle and writing it solo. And I am hoping for a LOT of audience participation! Please come check it out!

Being Happy, Being Single, and Over 30

After my rant earlier this week about dating advice, I thought I'd share my own advice to singles everywhere, particularly to the ones over 30. At first, I called this dating advice. But then I realized, it isn't about dating. It is about Being Happy, Being Single, and Over 30.

Here is the advice I wish we as singles would hear more often-

People give bad dating advice all the time, so don't take it personally.

People get asked out on bad dates all the time, so don't take it personally.

Enjoy being who you are! Do not hold yourself back from experiencing life because someone else hasn't picked you yet.

You are great. You are as God intended you to be (assuming you follow His commandments). Do not change yourself to win the affections of another. Who would you rather please? Your Father in Heaven? Or a person who has rejected you as you are?

Do more and be more. You have no excuse to not contribute more to your community. Be happy, live happy!

Make good friends, and enjoy your family. Be loyal to those who love you. You are going to need them next time you need to lift something heavy, and there still isn't a spouse around to help.

Stay grounded and keep focused on the things that are most important to you.

Don't take it personally when the object of your affection doesn't call you.

Find happiness in who you are, what you stand for, and what you have accomplished. Don't wait to be happy when someone else gives you validation.

Be forgiving and understanding, because no one is perfect. And dating helps us meet a lot of imperfect people!

When it feels like you are in a church that is family focused and excludes the singles, find a way to fit in anyway. Don't be afraid to make friends with little children.

When people ask the world's most annoying question, “So why are you still single?” smile and laugh and say, “I don't know, why don't you tell me?”

When someone suggests you just need to “pray harder” to find a spouse, sincerely suggest to them that they pray to help you find a spouse as well.

Don't give up on your standards and morals, just because after twenty years of dating it is getting rather tiresome. Recommit to your standards and morals, and dress in a way that makes your morals clear.

Re-evaluate your outward appearance, and ask a friend for advice on how you could improve. Unfortunately, as much as we want people to judge us by what is on the inside, they still see the outside first.
Go on a second date, even when "you didn't hear Lionel Richie singing" after the first date.
Everyone deserves a second chance. Only a chosen few deserve a third.

Make friends with the opposite sex. Make friends with people with similar interests as you outside of Church.

Remember that the relationships you see on tv and in movies are all make-believe. Don't judge your relationships by the fiction displayed. Never expect romance to move at the speed of a sitcom. And never expect love to exhibit itself accurately when written for entertainment purposes.

Get involved in your community. Give your life meaning! Do you want to be known as the person who ate out a lot and spent their money on food and entertainment? Or do you want to be known as the person who made a difference in their community? (Don't just do this as a way to meet new people, do this because it is the right thing to do!)

Ask yourself what matters most to you- building a family? Taking care of others? Making money? Creating a home? Go do it anyway!! Why wait? You can be a foster parent and give a home to a deserving child. Take care of your neighbors, ward members, friends, and family. Buy and build a home to suit you. Make major career moves- don't hold yourself back.

To the singles with children, I offer the following advice-

Women- there is nothing more unbecoming than a single mother complaining about finances and how her ex doesn't pay enough in support, while she is sitting there with fake nails, a fake tan, new clothes, and is eating out an expensive restaurant. You are far more attractive when it is believable that you put your children first.

Men there is no bigger turn off than a man who complains about having to support the wife he promised to honor, support, and love, except for a man who complains about paying child support. Don't just pay what the State requires. Pay more because you love your children and want them to have the best.

Men (and women) who pay support, or do not have full-time custody- It is obvious who the good fathers are and who the bad fathers are. Be a good father. To a potential date who is considering you as a potential spouse, and therefore potential father to her own children, it is important to see that you are a good father to the children you already have.

Pay your child support voluntarily. These things do become obvious to your peers. Put your children first! Why would anyone want to date a person who is a neglectful parent?

To my divorced peers I suggest the following-

Do not speak ill of your former companion to members of the same or opposite sex.

Be a good former spouse. Do not bicker. Do not air your dirty laundry.

Do not date until your divorces are final! Until the judge says you are divorced, you are still married!

When you learn to let go of the hate, you learn to be happy again.You may never get closure, but you can still let go.

There is nothing more attractive than happiness!

Do you have some advice or rules of thumb to add to this list? I'd love to hear it! Add away!!

Men, or the lack thereof

I'm rapidly losing interest in both Joe Fox and Harry. Joe was doing so well, but now? I don't know. Nothing really. He's made sounds about wanting to meet, but hasn't made actual moves. A few text messages are not enough to keep the interest alive, you know? He could definitely redeem himself with a little effort. But until then, I've fallen asleep waiting for him.  And Harry? He's gone into hiding or something. No nothing out of him for a while. He's done.
Time to erase the list and start all over. Anyone got a guy they can introduce me to?

Let's Talk About Boys

I love talking about boys. If you know me, you knew that already. And since I'm taking Lortab tonight my filter is turned off and I feel like sharing!


I have 2 active crushes on 2 very different men this week. That hasn't happened in forever. 2 at once! One is a very sweet guy that I am friends with. When we first met he showed some interest, but no action. There was some flirting and after a few drinks one night he hit on me. Sadly, he's been sober ever since. We're most definitely in the "friends zone,"  but I like to think there's still a chance that could be stopped. I get the impression he's interested, but there's something holding him back. Maybe I just need to get him drunk again and take advantage of him?

The other guy is fairly new. You know I have to be on Lortab to admit that I met him on eHarmony. I don't know why I'm always so embarrassed to admit we met through online dating. But there it is. Who are we kidding? I work from home (so no co-workers), and I go to a family church (no singles). I never meet new people, let alone singles! The internet is my last and dying hope. And hell, I work in social media. I'm the only person alive who can honestly say they made a career out of figuring out how to talk to boys online. So anyway, back to the cute new guy. We've emailed, texted, and called, but we haven't yet met in person. He has lots of great qualities, and I'm looking forward to it. And did I mention he's just adorable to look at? Actually both guys are quite adorable. How's a girl to choose between adorable and adorable?

Clearly I'm not very good at dating and flirting. I'm 34 and very very single. And so very over it. But it really would be nice if a guy could show interest in me without the help of Jack Daniels, or the safety of indifference on the internet. Whatever happened to good old fashioned spotting a girl across the room, smiling at her, and asking her out? I can't even remember the last time I met a guy the good old fashioned way.