2016 - not so bad

It's time to do the obligatory year end wrap-up post, right?
Although the memes of the world are all calling out 2016 as the worst ever, I have to admit, celebrity deaths aside, it was a pretty great year for me.
A year ago I was pretty miserable. I was working for a hag (but liked my job). I was depressed, overweight, and in a lot of constant pain. I enjoyed being the Young Women's president, and working with my Baby Ducks, but there were things going on behind the scene that were crushing my soul. And my friends all lived several hours away.
To put it mildly, life wasn't going my way.
Over the course of the year, and in no particular order, here's what changed-
everything.
Or more specifically, I started Contrave, a miracle drug that helped me lose over 30 lbs, and more importantly, took away my fibromyalgia pain. This one thing alone has made my life twenty times better. I can't begin to tell you, my dear blog, how much happier I am on Contrave.
I got a job in my actual field, working for a profitable company, and moved across the country for it.
I moved into my own beautiful apartment. Being on my own, taking care of myself, depending on no one but myself, and getting out of debt, and back on top means more to me than you'll ever know.
It's been a good year, what can I say?
For a while there I wondered if I was happier because the Contrave is an anti-depressant. There was no question that I was depressed over the past few years, and just barely holding it together. I told myself it was situational depression, and did what it took to tread water to get through it. Take away the awful situations, and the depression has gone away. (And the Contrave helped me tread water.)
All things said and done, I've endured more this past year than I ever expected. And I survived. I came out on top. I survived. And I'm happy.
I'm confident. I'm healthy. And I'm happy.
That's all.
Bring on 2017. 

The Next Chapter

I’m writing this from an overlook along the Blue Ridge Parkway. I was driving back from Virginia Beach to Roanoke, and decided on a whim to take the parkway home. It adds a few minutes, but a lot of beauty, to my drive, and I don’t mind.

Right now in Roanoke, a major chapter of my life is coming to a close in a bittersweet way. Instead of it ending on a high note, it’s ending on a rather sour one, which makes it both hard to let go, and easy to not look back at the same time. In other words, I’m more sad than happy, but accepting that this is how it ends.

It leaves me free to open the next chapter of my life without attachments or remorse. And I’ve don’t nothing but think about what that next chapter will be for the last few days.

One year ago when I left Northern Virginia for Roanoke, I had no idea what to expect. I certainly never foresaw the confusion, stress, and pain of the past year. I had expected one friendship to be waiting for me when I arrived, but instead, that person was the cause of much of my angst.

A year ago, I said goodbye to one particular friend and fully expected at that time for that to be the last time I would ever see or speak to that person. Here we are a year later, and that person and I communicate almost daily- far more than we did a year ago at this time. And now there is a chance we’ll have to say goodbye again, and I wonder how that will change things.

When I left NoVA I had a crazy idea for a small book. I didn’t even think I had enough material to make it a full book. I figured it was more like a really big pamphlet. But I wrote it, tried it out in a class, and submitted it to a publisher. By the end of this week that book will be in bookstores across the country. By far my biggest book release yet. My first book to be sold in the mainstream, and not just in LDS bookstores. (I’m a little overwhelmed at the thought.)

You probably figured it out before I did from my blog posts, that I really lost my identity this past year, maybe even before that. I haven’t been at liberty to share the details of the difficulties I’ve dealt with, and I am still not. Maybe by saying this much, you’ll understand why- when the lawsuit is over, maybe I can share my side of the story here. But I may not choose to share the details, if I think saying anything will make it harder for other parties to heal.

I think I am in the clear enough to say that for nearly a full year now, every single aspect of my life has been criticized. At work, at church, and as a writer. It has taken its toll on me in every possible way. I’m as fragile as they come these days. I’m defensive and suspicious (something I never was before). I expect that everyone and anyone I meet is going to think the worst of me or tear me down (because they have so many times).  Never before have I felt more single – no partner, no person to share my burden and cares with. I know many people see my struggles, but there is little anyone can do for me. My problems are mine and mine alone to carry.

But I know this one thing to be true- that the Lord knows and cares for us. No matter the load we are forced to bear, we are loved and never forgotten.  Jeremiah 31:3, “Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee.”

I do not carry my burdens alone. I have the strength of a loving Heavenly Father to help me along. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29-30.)  

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Old Dog, New Tricks

I started a new nearly full-time job about 5 weeks ago. It has been a very crazy five weeks. On the same day I got the job offer and a book contract. Both of which required a lot of time and focus for me. I hit the ground running with my new job, and within five days of being hired put on my first big event for them. You know how when you start a new job there is a little bit of lag time and slow periods while you ramp up and learn your new position? There has been none of that with this job. Instead, every day I get asked if I'm overwhelmed (yet), and how I'm coping. I admit, I much prefer jumping in head first like this, rather than weeks of boredom. 

I get home from work, walk the dog, and immediately jump into some big huge project. Whether it's writing my own book ("When Books Fly" - which is now finished), editing a client's book, or keeping up with the never-ending duties of being the young women's president. Every single day of the last five weeks has been an exhausting marathon. 

(And I love it.) 

I passed a kidney stone (for the zillionth time) last week. My new local doctor gave me Percoset. I truly hate taking Percoset. I'd much rather take Lortab. Percoset makes me hallucinate, nauseates me, and more. I really hate the stuff. But I have to admit, taking it meant being forced to slow down and take things easy for two days. (While I mostly stared at the wall and had bizarre hallucinations about chicken and duck eggs. Don't ask. The hallucinations never make sense, but I always remember them later. Wish I didn't. This time I was afraid my car was going to get filled up with eggs. Which is slightly better than the time I hallucinated that the doctors from MASH were trying to operate on me and take my kidneys from me. It wasn't pleasant.) But I digress. 

Being back in an office, juggling clients, and managing teenage girls and their mothers, has been an all-new experience for me. I'm learning to work with personalities, keep my cool, and not give sarcastic answers in a way I've never had to control myself before. It's good for me, I think. I'm really having to focus and make an effort to be kind, polite, and yet a strong leader, without resorting to being sarcastic and flippant. Which is all to say, apparently you can teach an old dog new tricks. 

The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same

My favorite picture from Awesome Con. This was the "Debate 2015: Which Superhero would Make the Best US President?" panel.

The last few weeks have been crazy busy for me. And it all came to a full stop 2 days ago.
I've been writing like a madwoman, getting books ready for Awesome Con. Then I went to Florida with girlfriends for a few days (where I was introduced to Escape Rooms, and fell in love with the concept, and you'll hear more about that in the future I think). And then came home, turned around, and went straight to DC for Awesome Con. Got through that, came home, did some work for a client, and BOOM, it's all done.
No more work.
No more jobs.
No more clients.
Now I just live in Roanoke with nothing to do.
Well, for a few days or weeks anyway. I may not have a paying job, but I'm still busy enough on my own. (I'd much rather have a paying job though!)

Me at Awesome Con. My shirt had a cape on it. I went straight from Awesome Con back to Roanoke without changing clothes. I wore this shirt for about 18 hours. There was a massive thunderstorm that caused me to pull off at a truck stop in the middle of nowhere southern VA for a while. Next thing I know people are pointing at me, and bringing their kids over to look at me, and one lady asked to take a selfie with me. I completely forgot I was wearing a cape. It caused quite the scene. 

I was "called" as the Young Women's President at church this week. If there are non-Mormons reading this, that means I am now the volunteer in charge of the 12-18 year old girls. I am responsible for making sure there is a teacher for the Sunday lessons, and an activity every week. And for getting the girls to youth conference and girls camp this summer. Among other things. And getting called in mid-June means hitting the ground running. We have youth conference in 2 weeks. I will come home from that, shower, nap, and get in a plane to fly to Europe for a few weeks. I come from Europe, where I will possibly have to go from the airport to girls camp. If I'm lucky I'll get to come home and sleep in my own bed for a day.
(It's going to be madness!)
I'm very excited and humbled for the chance to work with my Baby Ducks again. I've watched these girls grow up and love being a part of their lives. It's different this time because I'm the organization president, and not just one of the advisers. That's the intimidating part! When I think about how influential my YW leaders, particularly the presidents, were in my life, it humbles and overwhelms me that I now play that role in someone (15 someones) else's life. I suppose in many ways I was already playing that role for them, since I've been around since many of these girls were 12. But it's hitting me harder now that I'm the president.

So here I am...
Back in Roanoke, serving the Baby Ducks, and looking for a job.
Sounds familiar, doesn't it? 

Why Is Everything so Beautiful?

I'm visiting Roanoke for a few days, taking a much needed break from reality, and my normally scheduled life. I've been busy, busy, busy, ever since arriving here on Friday. I plan to stay 1-2 more days to work on a huge project, distraction-free. Or at least I hope it's distraction free. We shall see.

Yesterday was "church prom" for my "baby ducks." (For those just tuning in to this blog in progress, the baby ducks are the young women from my church in Roanoke that I worked with and took to girls camp a few times. They love their nickname, and I use it often.) Church prom is an alternative to school prom. They still get all dressed up in their fancy dresses, and some girls even take dates. But there are standards for the dresses (nothing too short, too revealing, and shoulders must be covered). From what I've heard the kids really prefer church prom because "no one at school knows how to dance." At church, the kids have been going to dances since they were 14. But at school, a lot of kids have only ever been to prom or homecoming, and don't really get how to dance. In their words, "they only know how to jump or grind." So the church kids prefer the church dance where they know the music, and they can all dance and have fun.
Well, you know how much I love my girls. So when they told me it was prom, and asked if I wanted to chaperon, of course I said yes. And next thing you know, I'm not just chaperoning, I offered to host dinner before the dance.
And that's how I ended up making a 6 course dinner for 15 kids at my house. I originally thought we would only have 5-6 kids. But then I didn't want any of my girls to get left out. So... yeah. 3 boys, 12 girls, 6 course meal! Insanity. I did have some awesome help from a dear friend to serve the food. I don't know how I would have served all of it without her.
Dinner was delicious, and the dance was a lot of fun. I always get a good work out at the dances, since I always participate in the line dances. I haven't danced since I left Roanoke, and I'm feeling sore and old today!

The other big reason I came to Roanoke this weekend was to attend the baptism of one of my baby ducks. (She's going to remain nameless, since I haven't asked permission to share her name.) She's been attending church for a year. She has a wonderful spirit about her. And I'm just thrilled she chose to be baptized. I was more than happy to drive down here to support her today.
She and I sat next to each other in church today. There were a few talks on mothers and a musical performance. It was all very touching. At one point she turned to me with tears streaming down her face and said, "Why is everything so beautiful?"
And it was. It was a beautiful day, but I was getting by without waterworks. (And I cry quite easily these days.) But she was crying for different reasons. She was just so filled with the love of the Holy Ghost, she could only see beauty in the world around her.
Oh how beautiful it must be to be so pure-hearted, so in tune with the Lord, as to see the world like that.
I could only hug her and tell her I adore her.
But I've been thinking about her comment all day. "Why is everything so beautiful?"
I hope that I can be so pure and true as to see the world her way, even if just for a few minutes. 

Adversity and Joy

I have a dozen different thoughts tumbling through my brain tonight. And as usual, my inner monologue wants to work out my problems by writing and blogging them out.

I was in Roanoke, visiting my family and friends, for the weekend. This is only the second time I've been back since I moved away last summer. I never expected to take this long between visits.

Naturally, as expected, lots of people asked how my job is going and how my life is turning out to be. It should be such a simple question, right? With a nice canned positive response ready to go!

But for me it isn't such an easy question. I try to fake it and give a happy answer the best I can, but it's hard to do.

Today at church the lesson was on adversity. (As usual, I chose to attend the young women's class with my "Baby Ducks.") The teacher did an excellent job teaching on the subject. She made a interesting and poignant point that the joy we feel after extreme adversity in our lives is a wonderful, sweet relief. After we have endured so much adversity, we can feel the joy so much more than every before.

She shared some scriptural references that illustrated nicely the concept that we must endure the pain and sorrow in order to appreciate the joy. I thought she did a really good job.

But something has gnawed at me all day since.

Because I don't feel that way. Not yet.

After my long term unemployment, I have yet to find that joy or sweet relief. And I think that lack of joy and relief amplifies the starkness of reality. I want to feel that joy. I keep waiting for the relief. But the truth is, I didn't get a job, and all of my problems were solved overnight.

The difficulties march ever onward. If you thought a paycheck would cure all my problems, you weren't alone, but you would be wrong.

I didn't move and instantly make a dozen fabulous friends. Six months after my move and I'm still struggling to meet people and make friends.

Life is still a constant struggle between peaceful solitude and aching loneliness. And being around all my loved ones this weekend, only exasperated the loneliness.

I still dream and hope and wait for the joy to come after so many years of adversity. I have faith that it will come. I just hope I will recognize it when it comes.

And now we REALLY do the (Tao) Dance of Joy!!

It has been a crazy, crazy week.

It all started with a JOB OFFER!!

I got a job!

I'm moving!

Obviously this calls for the dance of joy!!



Oh my. So that was the Tao Dance of Joy.
This dance makes me MUCH happier- my Baby Ducks doing the Harlem Shake!



As you may imagine, leaving my "Baby Ducks" is the hardest part for me! I'm thrilled and excited to take a new job, move back to DC, and get on with my life. But my heart breaks every time I think of leaving these sweet girls.

Speaking of which...
Adding to the crazies of this week (which included packing, finding a new place to live, etc.,) I am also packing for Girls Camp! Off into the woods I go for the third time with these crazy, fun girls!

Speaking of which... here's a little flashback to last year at camp!



Obviously, my Baby Ducks are the best YW ever. I can only hope I have corrupted taught them all the important things before I leave. During a spontaneous Slurpee run this week I attempted to "teach" them the ways of the Chinese fire drill. And would you believe they had the gall to say, "Maybe that was just something you did in the 90s when you were a kid?" Dagger to the heart, my friends. Dagger to the heart!

Who let these girls get so tall and grown up? Because it sure wasn't me!

But you probably want to hear more about the job. I'm not going to post specifics or details about it for a while. I'd rather start the job and get settled first. Here's all I shall share- I'll be the marketing manager for a publication that is the competition to a publication I used to write for. It is in the DC area. It's so much back in my old stomping grounds that the office park actually shares an entrance road with the first pre-school I ever attended! (Affectionately known to me and my parents as my "pretty school.") Yep, I am really and truly moving right back to my hometown, and I couldn't be happier about it! I start work less than 48 hours after I get home from Girls Camp.

I will be in some creative temporary housing situations for the next 2 months until I am able to move into the place I really want to live in. (It's a great, slightly bigger than usual 1 and den apartment, with a dog run!!, w/d in the apartment, AND I can walk to work- that is something that just NEVER happens in the DC area! It is a few dollars out of my real price range, but for the luxury of walking to work, and having a dog run on the premises, I don't care what other expenses I have to cut out! I'll take it!)

Things are looking good! Now I just have to finish packing to move, and pack for camp, and pack for 6 weeks of living out of a suitcase! And about a berzillion other things. (Which include my parents visiting from out of the country, a family reunion, my grandmother's 90th birthday party, publishing "This Just In!" in paperback, and the logistics of an actual MOVE, to name a few...)

You'll understand if the blog has to take a bit of a backseat, won't you?

Hey You! Check out my new novels, "You Heard It Here First" and the sequel "This Just In!"

The Baby Ducks Take On the Harlem Shake

If you haven't yet discovered the Harlem Shake on YouTube, I recommend checking that out before trying to make sense of what the heck the Baby Ducks were up to last night!

I like my Baby Ducks

Honestly, I have no idea what they were doing

The past 3 weeks have been a bit of a black hole for me. Passing a kidney stone(s) is not a pleasant experience, but there were a few life lessons learned along the way, and a few bright spots.

The pain began on a Friday evening right as several my darling "Baby Ducks" arrived for our semi-annual slumber party. Both the girls and I look forward to our party for months. We watch a movie, dance, eat, giggle, etc. I throw a big air mattress or two on the floor in the family room, and we sleep "girls camp style" all over the place.

Minutes after the girls arrived I started to hurt. I tried to shake it off, but as the night went on, I felt worse and worse. The girls had taken to YouTube to teach themselves new dances. Normally I would get up and dance with them. It's a lot of fun! But instead I found myself screaming out in pain once or twice, and lying on the mattress, trying to act like it was no big deal. The girls were on to me, but we all pretended it wasn't that bad.

I was impressed with how much the girls were concerned about me, and with how well they handled things (didn't sit around waiting for me to make the fun happen, but just did it themselves) when I was incapacitated.

Fast forward a week. I arrived at church with the intention of actually staying. I thought I had managed my pain meds and could handle it. After about 40 minutes I was fighting back tears from the pain. (I cry a lot on pain meds. I'm a huge baby.) After the first block was done, the girl ran up to hug me, but they all carefully stopped to make sure I was okay first. I was again impressed with the fact that they even remembered/knew I was still sick, and that they didn't want to hurt me.

A few days later I saw the specialist who determined the STONES HAVE PASSED!! YEAH ME!!! But as tends to happen, I have a lingering side effect/complication, and the test needed to rule out option a from option b was a mere $2,700 out of pocket. Yep, nope, not going to happen. Not ever. So we had to move to plan b, and as the doctor explained to me, "The next 24 hours will probably be the worst of your life." It meant going off the painkillers cold turkey, so that I could "feel" what is going on better. Did you know if you have been on painkillers round the clock for a few weeks that it HURTS LIKE HELL to go off of them?

It's true. It hurts. Suddenly every single freaking thing in your body hurts. My knees, my hips, elbows, and for a few hours I swear each of my fingers ALL HURT. Not to mention the headache, muscles, etc. But the good news was that my kidney was not (yet) hurting.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. For the first few hours after the specialist appointment I felt fine. A little sore, but fine. Late in the afternoon I started to hurt. By evening I HURT A LOT. And that's when I remembered the YW were coming to my house for activity night. BIG UH OH. I pulled a minimum of things together for the girls to do in record time. When they arrived, I explained to them that my stone had passed, but I still felt bad.

They took it like champs. I sat on the couch (and sometimes lied on the couch) and just let them do the activity on their own. I could barely think straight from the pain, and did a terrible job of "being a leader." But the girls were awesome- again. They were very gentle and nice to me, and just did a great job of taking care of themselves. I was really proud of them.

(Later that night, around 11 pm, I passed another kidney stone- DRUG FREE! You know what isn't fun? What just might kill you? What might be the worst experience of your entire life? Yeah, passing a stone without any drugs in you. The only good part about that awful, miserable experience was that I could actually tell when it passed.)

By Saturday night (last night), I was suffering from 3 weeks of terrible cabin fever. I had to get out. Even though it was not my night to chaperone, I got a call from my cousin/college roommate/BFF saying she was at a youth activity, and I should feel free to go join her. So I did.

Again, my girls are awesome. Each time they saw me they ran up and gave me a hug, but not without stopping to make sure it was "safe to touch me." They surprised me with how happy they were that I was mobile again. Normally I get out and dance a lot of the songs with them, but I wasn't quite up to the task yet. (Give me another week!) Again, they were compassionate and sweet about making sure I was okay.

Today at church the same scene repeated itself. My Baby Ducks all gave me hugs, but first checked to make sure I was okay.

Sometimes teenagers are impossible. Sometimes they will drive you absolutely batty. Sometimes you want to take their phones away one by one and throw them off a cliff. Sometimes you are pretty sure they are all insane. But then, sometimes, when you least expect it, one will come up and put her head on your shoulder, and say, "I'm so glad you are feeling better. I missed doing this."

(Six months to girls camp and another Baby Ducks adventure!)
(And if history repeats itself- 5 more years till the next bout of kidney stones!)

"You Heard It Here First" is now available in paperback!

I am so excited, as of 7:45 a.m. today my new book, "You Heard It Here First" is available in paperback! 
For the first week it is available on CreateSpace (the Amazon owned printing company I chose to go through) for $13.99.
It will take at least 5-7 more days before it shows up on Amazon itself, and then longer to show upon Barnes and Noble and other sites. I thought about not announcing any of the book's release until it was for sale digitally and in print everywhere. But, not too surprisingly, I am not patient enough for that! I am so happy that this book is officially done and out there!
In the front of the book, on the dedications page, you will see that I chose to dedicate the book to "Little," the Back Creek Baby Ducks, and the Cave Spring Cuties. If you've been reading this blog for more than the past year, you already know who my darling "Little" is. (Except she's a grown-up, beautiful 15 year old now. I can't get away with calling her 'little' much longer!) The Back Creek Baby Ducks and the Cave Spring Cuties are the young women from the two wards (congregations) I have served with over the past 2 years.
I got the chance over the past few days to tell my baby ducks about the dedication. (And hopefully I'll get the chance to see the Cave Spring girls soon and tell them.) They have all been hearing about this book for a while and were excited to hear I dedicated it to them. (After we clarified it was "for them" and not "about" them!)
Back when I started writing the story I didn't set out with a specific end or goal in sight. I just had an idea for a little scene and wrote it out. It all just took off from there. The story begins with a romance, and before too long I reached the point where in most romance novels either sex would enter the picture, or the girl would change herself to get the man. I couldn't write for days. I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to write a "religious fiction" story, but I also couldn't see myself writing values I didn't believe in.
So I didn't.
I decided to write the main character (Haley) the way I wanted to, and not look back. I knew as I did it that it would mean that chances of getting picked up by a mainstream publisher were next to nil. And I knew that if I left religion out of a book that centers around values, that I would never get picked up by a religious publisher either. The more I thought about it the more I realized I didn't care. I could do this without a publisher. What mattered most to me was that I wrote a character that my young women- my cuties, baby ducks, and Little- could all look up to. 
The book may still be a little grown up for them. I'm not sure that it is 12 year old girl material (which I'm sure my girls will point out to me quickly that they will all be at least 13 in a few weeks). Maybe 15 or 16 would be a more appropriate age to start. But I am glad this book is there for them now, and I can't wait to give them each their own copy soon.

A few of my Baby Ducks!