Today I got an update on a guy from my past. A guy that broke my heart and seriously hurt me. The update was that he's in a happy new relationship and doing well in his new life. You know, the life he screwed me over on his way to getting. (hopefully that makes sense) And I have to admit, learning how well he's doing pretty much ruined my day. I'm over him and not bitter, although this post may not appear to prove that point at first. He hurt me pretty good and we both moved on. In some strange way I'm actually happy for him. I know he's been wanting a real relationship for a long time, so I'm glad he's found it.
The part that ruined my day was the part where the bad guy found happiness. Why not me? Why does this jerk who has broken so many hearts and screwed over so many people keep finding more hearts to break? How can he find so many hearts? And yet I can't find anyone? I can't remember the last time I met someone new. I got an email from an old friend this week. We're terrible about keeping in touch. When I first read her letter I had to laugh. Even though it has been months since I have heard from her the men she asked about in my life are still the same men. And then I wanted to cry. How is it possible that I haven't met a new man in that long? My life has involved the same 2-3 guys for nearly a year now. That's just pathetic.
I have never hurt a man. Let me rephrase that. I have never intentionally hurt anyone in my life. I have never intentionally lead a man on. I have never intentionally broken someone's heart, or otherwise "been a jerk." And yet, I've dated a few jerks in my time, and those guys seem to date so much. I don't get it. How can some people (truly underserving people) do so much dating, while the rest of us do so little? Why do the bad guys seem to finish so much further ahead?
And where the hell did all the good guys go? And where do I meet them? Cause I really can't take another guy who tells me I'm great and I'm his best friend and then disappears on me. And I really can't take another jerk. I just want to meet a nice, normal, no head games man. Why is that so hard to find?
I can't tell you how many times I've felt that way. I've never found an answer to that question, but I think it's a perfectly valid question. Why is it that someone who treated you so horribly is "rewarded" with happiness and everything you've ever wanted, when you continue to have to search?
ReplyDeleteI have no idea. I wish I knew.
Mostly, though, given the choice between being with someone who treated me badly and being alone, I'm glad I don't have to choose the jerk. I just wish the jerks had been replaced with one very nice guy who treated me as nicely as I treated them.
So here's a crappy addendum to this post. The guy that I was specifically talking about (that I've had NO contact with in several months) googled my blog the day after I posted it. How do I know? He's the only person I know that lives in the town that showed up on my blogstats.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't make me feel good to see that he googled me. And that I can see that he sent a link to this blog to someone else. Someone who was very instrumental in the way he truly hurt me. (trust me, all things can be seen in statcounters.)
I'm refraining from saying I hate him. But I think I do.