Gift of God's Grace

"With the gift of God's grace, the path of discipleship does not lead backward; it leads upward." - President Dieter Uchtdorf

Show Your Love

"What sign will you give to the Lord to show your love for Him?" Elder Russel M. Nelson

Hand of God

"Can you see the hand of God in your own life?" - Elder Neil Andersen

Sharing the Gospel

Sharing the gospel is a topic close to my heart and often on my mind these days. My parents left for their 18 months mission to Apia Samoa this weekend. My cousin Remi comes home from his mission to Texas later this week. So naturally, I'm thinking about missionary work.
I've never been very good at opening up and sharing my thoughts on the gospel. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the most personal thing in my life, and I find I have to trust someone before I will share my feelings on something so intimate. And yet, as followers of Christ we have been taught to "Feed my sheep" (John 21:17).
Each Sunday for the past few months I have had the opportunity to share my testimony with the young women at church. The more I share my testimony of the gospel, the more comfortable and open I get with sharing it. Still, I have a long way to go.
I wrote "Sharing the Gospel Through Social Media" for both people who are comfortable sharing and those who are more passive about sharing. While some people may have the desire to type out their testimony and share it for the world to see, others may be more comfortable sharing a nice thought or quote. I admit, I'm more the quote or thought kind of girl, although I wouldn't be surprised if people thought I was more forward than I am.
In less than two weeks, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will hold its semi-annual General Conference. It is a big event for us with speakers from the Church leadership around the world. (Not to mention good food and music as well.) Many people will share quotes and thoughts from the conference. Some will do it well, some will does it less well.
As we lead into conference I aim to share a quote or thought from past conferences each day, to help me warm up or prepare for conference. I hope you will enjoy them!
Consider this my own efforts at practicing what I preach (after all, I did suggest something like this in my book), and my own way of more openly sharing something very personal and special to me.

Where is my solace?

Several months ago I applied and interviewed for a job that led to some unusual experiences. Forgive me for keeping a few of the details aloof, but I feel it is best to do so.

I had applied on a whim. There was a chance I was qualified, and a chance that I was not. When they called me in for the interview I was surprised and excited. They told me they had conducted a nationwide search, mostly by word of mouth and networking. They also posted the job on their website, where just one day before the opening closed, I saw it and applied. I was one of very few people who applied blind like that. And I was the only local candidate brought in to interview.
The interview went really, really well. I was shocked how well it went. When I left I told a few of the close friends/family that knew about the interview that basically if I didn't get it, I knew the person who got it must really be better qualified than I was, because interviews just don't get better than that. And I could live with that.
Several people were fasting and praying for me to get that job. It seemed ideal for me. It really did.
A few weeks longer than anticipated I got the call. They explained that I did not get the job. They had decided to hire from within- something that had not anticipated doing. But they wanted me to know how much they liked me, yada yada.
I was devastated, but what can you do? I allowed myself a few days to shake it off, pick myself up, and move on. But like I said, I was very disappointed.
(It wasn't long after that experience that I applied (again on a whim and blindly) to the job I have now.)
Almost 2 months passed when I got a call out of the blue. The president of that organization called me personally. I was so stunned I could barely speak on the phone. He asked if I could come in to his office- the very next day. Having no idea what he could possibly want to talk to me about, I went in.
He related some very unexpected personal experiences to me. He's a religious man and the job was tangentially religious. I would be working with a lot of fellow Mormons had I gotten the job. He told me something that really stuck with me. "He doesn't pray about who the new marketing director will be." Those were his exact words. He prays about personal things, and he prays about important things. But rarely, if ever, in his life has he ever prayed about business matters, let alone employee hires.
He went on to explain that he did not pray about who to hire for the position. He said it was clear to him, and to everyone on the search committee, that I was the best fit. When they went to sit down and make it a formal agreement to offer me the job, I believe he said they went around the table and all agreed to it. But then one person paused, and another. And they asked for more time. He explained that then and there he had a very personal, spiritual witness to hire someone else. Interesting note on that- that other person was also on the search committee and had also voted to hire me. He was as surprised as anyone else when this happened. (I know this because I went on to meet with him later and talk about a few things.)
It wasn't fun or easy to hear that for some reason God passed me over. That people had a spiritual experience that led to not giving me a job. But it did make it somewhat easier to accept that this had happened. (It helped that during the course of this conversation I knew I had a job interview lined up for the very next week. And yes, that was the job I did get.)
It gave me some clarity and closure as to how and why I did not get this ideal job and seemingly perfect situation. It gave me peace in spite of my disappointment.
This week I've had a lot of other disappointments and confusion to sort out in my heart. Things that seemed so obvious, so easy, and even at times spiritually guided did not work out. Something I prayed at great length about many times, and had some very personal spiritual experiences with, came back to break my heart and hurt me in the end. Tonight I prayed and asked why did I have to be led into a situation that would only hurt me in the end? Why couldn't I be spared? I got nothing from it. There was little happiness along the way. I am not a better person for the trial. There was no growth or challenges overcome. So why did I have to do it? Why couldn't I be told no, not to pursue it, somewhere along the way?
I have no answers.
But I do have the memory of the job interview and the knowledge that sometimes spiritual guidance comes when and where you least expect it. You can do everything right, but sometimes, it just isn't going to work out, and it isn't your fault.
That all being said, my poor, repeatedly bruised and broken heart, looks forward to not being hurt or disappointed someday.

That Elusive Moment of Clarity

The title of this blog for the past 7 years has been "Moments of Clarity and Chaos." I chose it because it describes my life all too well. Unfortunately, these past few years have been filled with more moments of chaos than there have been moments of clarity.
This past week was filled with more discouragement than I care to admit. I came very dangerously close to throwing in the towel on my new life in Arkansas. I can't go into any detail on this subject, except to say, it is not all rainbows and puppies around here.
Again, without further explanation, all I can say is I signed up for the difficult path. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to move to a new state, sight unseen, leave everything and everyone I loved behind, make a major career change, and face it all alone. I knew this and chose to do it anyway. (But then, I expected things to be a little different when I got here.)
As I said before, this week was very discouraging. There were more tears shed than I care to admit. It really didn't feel like any of my choices were worth it. In fact, it all felt like a huge mistake.
The hardest part about being here has been that I don't feel like me. The work I've been doing is a "square peg, round hole" fit. And it is strange how a few initial interactions with someone can get you off on the wrong foot, and keep you from ever truly getting the right footing. This is all to say that due to some initial encounters with certain individuals, I have not acted like myself at all. I was even told at one point to be "a little less me." But the hard part was that I wasn't being me. I was being this new uncomfortable person who has little confidence in her situation.
Have you ever been there? Do you know what that feels like? You aren't being yourself, you aren't comfortable or confident, and you just don't know how to find yourself again?
That has been me ever since stepping into Arkansas. I don't know where I went, but I didn't arrive here in my own skin.
Which is why this past weekend has been so special. (and you know I hate to describe feelings with "special.")
I had some very tough decisions to make- financial, career, personal, etc. Like I said, there were tears. A lot of tears. What is "tough" about tough decisions is generally that we know which decision is probably better for us on certain levels, but we can see a much easier option that brings us temporary and quicker happiness. I so badly wanted some happiness. Nothing has really been happy here in a long time. I needed joy in the worst possible way. I was desperate to just feel happy again.
Have you been there? Can you relate?
But I made the "tough" choice. I chose to put off immediate and temporary happiness for the longer term benefits. And then sat down and cried again, my depression and discouragement only that much worse.
That was the first half of my moment of clarity.
The second half came within an hour of drying my tears and accepting my fate. In one unexpected phone call came a generous gift. One that could save my weekend and give me a little temporary happiness. And when you are in the "depths of despair" (one of my favorite Anne of Green Gables quotes), sometimes you just need to know the following-
1. God hears and answers prayers. God loves you.
2. Even when you feel all alone, God knows how to wake up someone who loves you and get them to call you.

In just a few short minutes my weekend was saved. Enjoyable activities were on the way. A reason to smile was in front of me. I could breathe again.
Hallelujah.
Not long after that I found myself in a bookstore. I never, ever read self-help books. In fact, I mock most of them. I think you can learn all you need to know from the book jacket, and you can save yourself the $9.99 sticker price. But for some reason, a reason I like to call the Spirit holding me by the lapels and turning my head and forcing me to look at the books, I found myself looking specifically at two books. (more on the books and reviews later.) I bought them, took them home, and read them. And then the craziest thing happened. I found myself. Right there in the self-help section. I remembered who I was and what I like to do, think, and say. And in just 477 pages I suddenly knew how to be me again. I put word clouds all over my drawing board. I sketched, I imagined, I relaxed, and I loved it. I can look in the mirror and recognize the girl smiling back at me.
A pure, unadulterated moment of clarity. I'm me again.