The Next Chapter

I’m writing this from an overlook along the Blue Ridge Parkway. I was driving back from Virginia Beach to Roanoke, and decided on a whim to take the parkway home. It adds a few minutes, but a lot of beauty, to my drive, and I don’t mind.

Right now in Roanoke, a major chapter of my life is coming to a close in a bittersweet way. Instead of it ending on a high note, it’s ending on a rather sour one, which makes it both hard to let go, and easy to not look back at the same time. In other words, I’m more sad than happy, but accepting that this is how it ends.

It leaves me free to open the next chapter of my life without attachments or remorse. And I’ve don’t nothing but think about what that next chapter will be for the last few days.

One year ago when I left Northern Virginia for Roanoke, I had no idea what to expect. I certainly never foresaw the confusion, stress, and pain of the past year. I had expected one friendship to be waiting for me when I arrived, but instead, that person was the cause of much of my angst.

A year ago, I said goodbye to one particular friend and fully expected at that time for that to be the last time I would ever see or speak to that person. Here we are a year later, and that person and I communicate almost daily- far more than we did a year ago at this time. And now there is a chance we’ll have to say goodbye again, and I wonder how that will change things.

When I left NoVA I had a crazy idea for a small book. I didn’t even think I had enough material to make it a full book. I figured it was more like a really big pamphlet. But I wrote it, tried it out in a class, and submitted it to a publisher. By the end of this week that book will be in bookstores across the country. By far my biggest book release yet. My first book to be sold in the mainstream, and not just in LDS bookstores. (I’m a little overwhelmed at the thought.)

You probably figured it out before I did from my blog posts, that I really lost my identity this past year, maybe even before that. I haven’t been at liberty to share the details of the difficulties I’ve dealt with, and I am still not. Maybe by saying this much, you’ll understand why- when the lawsuit is over, maybe I can share my side of the story here. But I may not choose to share the details, if I think saying anything will make it harder for other parties to heal.

I think I am in the clear enough to say that for nearly a full year now, every single aspect of my life has been criticized. At work, at church, and as a writer. It has taken its toll on me in every possible way. I’m as fragile as they come these days. I’m defensive and suspicious (something I never was before). I expect that everyone and anyone I meet is going to think the worst of me or tear me down (because they have so many times).  Never before have I felt more single – no partner, no person to share my burden and cares with. I know many people see my struggles, but there is little anyone can do for me. My problems are mine and mine alone to carry.

But I know this one thing to be true- that the Lord knows and cares for us. No matter the load we are forced to bear, we are loved and never forgotten.  Jeremiah 31:3, “Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee.”

I do not carry my burdens alone. I have the strength of a loving Heavenly Father to help me along. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29-30.)  

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Accepting criticism as a chance to improve

I don't blog as much as I used to for myriad reasons. One of the most important reasons is just having learned from lessons of the past, and how expressing personal feelings about events in my own life can upset people. Or invites unwelcome feedback from people who make my feelings and thoughts about them.

But tonight I'm feeling alone with few (no?) people to talk to about some of the problems in life. So rather than talk to no one, I'll talk to everyone in the anonymous internet. (Hopefully I won't be repeating mistakes of the past.) (Ha ha.) (That was deep, sad, sarcasm.)

But let's start with some disclaimers. This isn't about you. This is about me. This is not any one person, problem, or event. It's a huge conglomeration or confluence of ALL THE THINGS!

Seriously, if it wasn't so painful or hard to deal with so many things at once, I'd laugh at how so many things could be happening at once.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's jump to the lesson learned and then back it up. Or something like that.

A few weeks ago, an old friend posted a beautiful picture of her ballerina daughter getting a private lesson. (or something to that extent) She commented how her daughter said how she liked to get feedback or pointers from the teacher "because how else could she improve?" I was just floored by this statement from such a young kid.

I've never been great at taking criticism. But ever since reading her comment I've been trying to take it to heart. If I don't get feedback how will I ever improve? This young girl just amazed me at her outlook! I could learn a lot from her.

If you believe that all things happen for a reason, you'll find it easy to believe that I needed to hear and digest and internalize that idea before the last few weeks hit me.

Because, wow. I have had lots of opportunities to apply this lately!

We're talking criticism feedback coming at me from all sides. You name it, I'm getting it. Work, church, personal life, writing life, volunteer life.

Old me would have given up and hidden under a rock by now, or lashed out and given everyone a dose of their own medicine.

But I haven't. I'm learning. I'm trying so hard to just get through, accept, and take it all as a chance to improve.

But it's not easy. Especially when it doesn't let up. I feel like I'm caught under Niagara Falls, getting beat on the rocks with criticism feedback.

I need a break. I need some personal improvement time. I'm writing this all out so I can get some of my emotions out before diving back in to handle the most recent problem. Mostly, I just feel like a huge failure in nearly every possible aspect of my life right now. (Writing is actually going pretty well. More on that some other time.)

I want to be a Millennial and beg a for a safe space around me. "Please only speak kind words in this area."

Sigh. Yeesh. And sigh again.

So tell me, Oh Anonymous Internet World, when you feel beat up, criticized, overwhelmed, let down, frustrated, and disappointed, what do you do? How do you personally handle it? I'm looking for a new way to handle everything, and not be me anymore.

Operating Normally

Just getting ready for Star Wars to come out with a little cosplay, and rewatching all 6 films. Obviously.

In the past few weeks and months I have been making an effort to be more mindful of my own actions. To do this I take the time to review old blog posts, Facebook posts, Twitter, etc., and look for patterns and repeat behavior and emotions. (After all, blogging is the new journaling, or at least it was 10 years ago, right?)
If there is one thing I have caught on to it is my tendency to write out my busy-ness lists. I'm frequently a busy person, with 500 priorities at once, (followed by long dry spells), and tend to blog/share my list of current crazies.
I can't decide if this is good or bad. Should I keep doing it? I can't decide. I know why I do it. it's because that is what is on my mind- my 500 things to do that are outside the realm of normal, every day to-do. I rarely mention when life is average and normal. Or at least, I haven't done that in about 5 years.
Is the problem that I get into crazy states? Or is it a needed mental release to write it all out for my own sanity? I'm sure there is someone out there who thinks when I write it all out I'm bragging or something. I assure you, that's never it. If anything, I'm looking for commiseration.
This week I don't need commiseration. Things are completely crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it. I'm planning a wedding reception for a dear friend on Saturday. I haven't had a budget and time to plan an awesome party like this in a long time. This really is going to be a beautiful, memorable event. I can't wait!
My parents are leaving on their mission to Samoa in less than 2 weeks. Our family and household are in full mission prepping mode right now. It's an interesting mix of excitement, reluctance, urgency, and organization.
I'm the young women's organization president at our church/ward. That keeps me hopping right along. There's no end to all of the time, work, and effort that job requires.
I'm incredibly blessed to have some freelance work on my plate right now. It's all social media related, which has been a nice change of pace for me. Lately all I've done is writing/editing work, so it has been nice to re-submerge myself into social media. And it's just nice to have some work to do at all.
I'm still writing and working on various projects. I still have high hopes of starting a new business here in Roanoke sooner or later. (I just need about $20,000 more to make it happen.)
In other words, my life is in a constant change of flux and crazy, which is to say, all is operating normally.

Choice and Accountability

I'm thinking a lot about accountability today, and have been for a while. All politics aside, we seem, as a nation, to be moving towards a belief that we should not be held accountable for our choices and actions. It starts with a sense of entitlement and grows into demands for non-accountability. 

I've been wondering where it begins - this idea that we shouldn't have to be responsible for the consequences of our own actions. I almost have convinced myself (with no studies or reports to back me up) that it begins all the way back in the sandbox with parents who blame other children for making their baby cry. And it continues on with the parents who blame the teacher or the school for their child's bad grades, instead of blaming the child and working with the child to improve his/her grades. 

I worry about the anti-bullying movement. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely against bullying. We need to combat it! But I worry how much of it is really bullying versus kids who aren't accepting the consequences of their own actions. Are we allowing kids to cry "Bully!" and blame other people, instead of teaching them to be accountable for their own choices and emotions? Shouldn't we ALSO be teaching them accountability for their choices and actions, instead of just pointing at the rest of the world and crying that no one loves us for who we are?

Growing up Mormon in a non-Mormon world meant getting teased, misunderstood, and mocked for my choices. I didn't cuss, drink, smoke, and I was the last one to understand all sexual references. Believe me when I say there was plenty of mean spirited teasing for my "choices." But until I had been teased or bullied for them, they weren't choices, they just a part of who I am/was. 

In fact most "choices" aren't really choices, but are just a part of what makes us inherently who we are, until the moment we have to answer someone else' demands or questions. For instance, responding to a bully, or standing up for what we believe in when taunted or teased. 

But we never hear of movements to empower individuals to stand up for themselves. Instead, there are more and more organizations empowering people to point a finger and blame others. There is a huge difference between empowering accountability and empowering demands. 

I feel this is all a result of storytelling and Hollywood. A good story requires a relate-able main character who faces a problem, and must make a decision in the face of conflict. The difference between fables and parables, is that in a fable the decision results in an exciting new adventure (brave new world) after the conflict is over. In a parable life resumes its regular course after the conflict. In movie-making and storytelling it is far easier to resolve a storyline with an exciting future, than it is to resume previous life and expect to appease the audience. 

Between the influence of storytelling making us believe that all conflicts should result in us getting our "brave new world," parents teaching entitlement, and this movement of pointing fingers and making demands, where are the lessons in accountability? 

 

Don't miss my new novel, "You Heard It Here First!" on Amazon, Nook, and Kindle!

Cries of Pain

I feel like a pretty crappy human being today. Someone yelled at me and insulted me pretty good this morning. I didn't do a good enough job on something I had worked hard on. I haven't finished all of my 'must-do' items in several days. There's a project I've been working on for charity sitting in the corner that hasn't been touched in weeks. I feel like I'm not doing enough to serve others lately. My butt is gigantic and was shown on TV last night, making me feel really insecure about my body image. Someone ever so impolitely let me know that it isn't the dress that is making me look fat- words that hurt considering I've been dieting diligently for two months now. I talk too much. I'm opinionated. And I haven't achieved any major life goals in a while. In other words, today I feel like I suck.

But today things were also put into perspective for me. I learned about two horrible and sad things happening to friends. Both are facing horrible circumstances that are just too much to talk about here (without their permission). My heart is breaking for them in more ways than I thought it could. I may feel like my life sucks, but then what are my problems compared to theirs? And while I have heard them cry in pain, I have not heard them cry in complaint. And those are two very different things.

One of the insults I received today came from someone who misunderstood me. I had "cried in pain" to this person, who took it as a "cry in complaint." Whether I did not make that clear, or the other person was indifferent to my plight, I do not know. This morning one of the two friends said something online that I perceived to be a "cry in complaint." (Or a cry for attention.) I was annoyed and ignored it. (As compared to some people, I don't take it upon me to correct others in these situations.) But by the end of the day I had learned the rest of the situation and felt terrible for my earlier thoughts. This person was truly crying in pain, and needs love and attention.

I can't help but wonder how many people are crying in pain, but we choose to ignore it? And how many people are afraid to ask for help or cry in pain because they are dismissed as complaints? How often am I ignoring real cries of pain because I can't hear them amidst all of the complaints?

Tonight I will pray harder for my friends. I'll pick up my charity work and make it a priority to finish it. And tomorrow, I'll listen better for the cries of pain.

Stupor of Thought

Ocean waves after Hurricane Earl - taken at Virginia Beach

When I am confused or faced with a difficulty, I often find I express myself in terms of water. Raging water, calm water, rippling water, torrents of water, trickling brooks. When I need to reflect or retreat, I often navigate to a body of water and just stare out. Today my heart is navigating to this picture I took of the waves at Virginia Beach a few hours after Hurricane Earl. It depicts my feelings perfectly today. Raging waves, dark sky, and yet there's an elegance about it, and the worst is over. The storm will pass soon and peace will return.
Multiple times over the last few days I've attempted to sit down and write about what has been going on in my life, but each time I do I just sort of give up. I've often heard  or been taught that the answer to prayer can come in the form of a "stupor of thought." And I do believe this week I am experiencing it for the first time.
I have a very, very big decision I have to make. Without going into detail, it basically goes like this-
Option A- Exciting opportunity, lots of potential, possibly (most likely) be very happy, some risk involved.
Option B- Lose the chance to pursue Option A for a very long time, pursue current path of happiness, hope it stays a happy path knowing very well that it might not, accept my choices and not regret not taking A.
Really it is a decision of giving up Happy Plan A for Happy Plan B. Neither one is a bad option. In fact, both would make me wildly happy to pursue!