4 Lies Singles Shouldn't Believe

1. If you are single, there is something wrong with you. You shouldn’t be happy with your life if you are single.

Being single does not mean you are inherently wrong, broken, or incomplete. It simply and only means that you are not married.

You should be happy with your life, regardless of your situation in life. No matter what your marital status, life will throw you curveballs, complications, tragedies, and extreme happiness. There’s a reason they compare it to a roller coaster. Your job, your entire purpose in life, is to be happy. “Men are that they might have joy.” (2 Nephi 2:25) There was no exception given for, “Except the single people. They have to stay miserable forever.”

Believing the lie that single people are less valuable or important, or that being unmarried means you aren’t loved, is a dangerous and awful trap. It opens the path to doubts that question your worth as a child of God. It cheapens the belief that every Child of God has a purpose and a reason for existence. It creates doubt in your own individual worth, and fuels the fires that lead to body image struggles and spiritual doubts.

Sister Kristen Oaks told a CES Devotional, (September 2011), “I say to those of you who may lead a single life: depend on the Lord, enjoy every opportunity, and delight in the life you have. Women were born to nurture, and we are surrounded by opportunities to do soin our Church callings, families, neighborhoods, and communities. Relish those opportunities.

To the men: We live in a world that teaches that education and financial security should precede marriage. The Lord teaches otherwise. In the interim before marriage, I also see many of you enjoying travel, video games, boys’ night out, and free meals. Men, the sisters need you to be the most valiant you can be. This is true, and I want you to listen: In the Lord’s plan, those of you who marry will progress to a degree that you never imagined. That is a promise.”

If you are not single, ask yourself if your words and actions towards your unmarried friends, family, and acquaintances, values them as a Child of God, or shows your lack of acceptance of them because they are not married?

2. There are no good ones left. I’ll never meet anyone.

I won’t pretend it doesn’t feel like this sometimes. But the truth is, there are thousands and thousands of worthy, active, and attractive LDS singles out there. If you haven’t found one yet, you just haven’t looked everywhere.

Get in the car and drive a few hours to a singles conference in another city or state. Do a Google search and find more online dating sites. Join one (or more) of the dozens of LDS singles Facebook groups. Contact old flames. Contact old friends and ask them to set you up. Don’t just sit at home, attend one stake singles activity a year, and declare that there are no fish in the sea.

And don’t forget to continue to improve your own appearance and offerings. Are you putting your best foot forward?

Singles Awareness Day

(Reprinted from Meridian Magazine, February 2012)

You didn't think I was going to let February 14 go by without acknowledging the most dreaded day of all singles, did you? Never fear, my single friends, I am here to commiserate with you! I will share my worst experience with you, but in return, I expect to hear your awful stories in the comments below.

I will never forget my worst Valentine's Day ever, but to say that indicates that somewhere along the way I have had a good Valentine's Day. The truth is, even on the years where I had a boyfriend on February 14, I've never had a good, romantic, worthy of recording it in my journal, or even just calling my best friend, kind of day. I've had pretty much nothing but really lousy Valentine's Days. (Unless you count the year I was going through fire-fighting school and I got to rappel down the side of a burning building, getting the best time in my class, as a good day.)

No, I've had some pretty rotten V-days. I'm one of those singles who would prefer to just sleep through the day, never being forced to see all of the people wearing pink and red, carrying flowers and balloons in the hallways at work, while giving cheery answers to questions like, “So do you have any fun Valentine's plans?” No, I plan to be at home watching NCIS and hanging out with my dog, just like I do on most Tuesday nights. The only thing different is this week I won't get to eat Indian take-out while watching TV, because I have to avoid all restaurants at all costs, so as to not be seen alone in my alone-ness. Which is stupid, quite frankly, because, I'm alone in my alone-ness all the time! I go into restaurants and eat alone pretty regularly. But no, once a year, all those gross lovey-dovey people have to go and ruin it for me, and I'm stuck at home eating Lean Cuisine instead.

But back to the worst Valentine's Day ever. I tell you this story at great risk to myself. I have no idea if the man involved will ever read this. I'm going to assume that he doesn't, since he's never told me so (but then, we haven't talked in 16 years, so I don't know that he would. And he probably won't now either). If you just happen to be that man, I hope you too can see the humor in this story now!

I was just barely nineteen at the time. One of those BYU stories of the girl that got engaged just six months out of high school to a guy she had only known a matter of weeks. But of course, not really engaged, just verbally engaged without a ring. Nonetheless, the point is, I had a significant other on Valentine's Day. I had expectations. I had dreams. I had very big plans. After all, we were just recently and verbally agreed to be married! I was owed a diamond! Me and my nineteen years of wisdom knew exactly how this day would play out, and it would end in a hugely, overly romantic love story to tell our grandchildren someday!

Obviously, that didn't happen.

What did happen is he had an exam that day. And I, being a college student with big wedding plans, had taken a temp job working in the BYU on-campus florist. (Exactly why does a university need an on-campus florist, by the way? If not only to further encourage silly college romances?) It was working at my temp job that day that I discovered just how wretched allergies can be, and that I am horribly allergic to many types of flowers. After eight straight hours of flower arranging, and being surrounded by all those (painful) pretty smells, I was in complete misery. However, let's keep it to the obvious facts here. I was also an overly romantic and sentimental mostly verbally engaged nineteen year old in a flower shop on Valentines Day. Do you see where I am going here? I may have actually woken up that morning still a somewhat reasonable person. By the end of my shift making other people's romantic gifts, I was expecting a 12 piece string orchestra, dozens and dozens of roses, a steak dinner, and more than one diamond ring. Wouldn't you?

I spent most of the money I earned that day right there in the florist buying him a gift and having it delivered. It was a teddy bear, a balloon, and some roses that I personally picked out and arranged. Because what red-blooded, American male college student doesn't want a teddy bear, balloon, and roses?

After work I went to my room and primped. For what? I didn't know. I just knew it was Valentine's Day and obviously the man who was verbally committed to giving me a diamond ring was going to be doing something grand. I waited and waited. And my allergies and sinus infection grew worse and worse, not helped by the two dozen roses my roommate had received taking up real estate in our tiny room. Finally my phone rang saying I had a delivery at the front desk. Expecting nothing less than a limousine and other fantastic gestures I ran downstairs.

And picked up another dozen roses some guy had sent my roommate.

I returned to my room, checked my messages to make sure I hadn't missed my beloved's call (I hadn't), and resumed my flights of fancy.

The phone rang again.

I ran back to the front desk.

Where I found the teddy bear, roses, and balloon I had sent my significant other waiting for me. The delivery guy had sent it to the wrong person. Oh and the receipt was still attached. I took the receipt off and had them call the right person. And returned to my room.

I kid you not, I walked in the door and the phone rang again.

Back to the front desk.

Another dozen roses for my roommate.

Where was my roommate you might ask? Out on a date with her boyfriend, who was not the bequeathor of the now four dozen roses in my tiny little dorm room. Also, I was starting to resent my roommate just a little bit. Yes, I had that kind of roommate who just got dozens of roses randomly sent to her by men she barely knew. And yet, I still loved her anyway.

For several more hours I sat there patiently in my room, my head throbbing with a sinus infection, blowing my nose, getting sicker by the minute. It was 10pm before he called.I almost didn't answer it because I was convinced it was going to be the front desk calling with an entire rose garden for my roommate.But it was my mostly betrothed, so I went down to see him, Kleenex and all.

He thanked me for my cute little gift, and told me all about his big exam, and how it had taken all day. He finally noticed I was sick and offered me back the teddy bear I had given him. “The bear? The stupid little bear? I don't want the bear! Just give me my stinking engagement ring!!!” was sloshing with rage through my very congested head.

Did I mention we were in a classroom? We were two car-less college students without a lot of options. A lot of our “dates” were just sitting in empty classrooms or study rooms talking.

So there we were- me with the worst sinus infection in history bubbling out of my nose, and him with that dumb bear I gave him. He finally reaches into his backpack and tells me to close my eyes and put out my hands. I only put out my left hand, palm down. He turned my hand over and put a plastic take out container in it before I opened my eyes.

A frosted sugar cookie.

But not just any frosted sugar cookie. A broken frosted sugar cookie with “Be Mine” iced onto it.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was expecting an engagement ring, and I got a broken cookie.

Did I mention I hate sugar cookies?

He explained it got smashed in his backpack, and the frosting smeared a little bit. Yes, yes, I could see that.

And that, my friends, is the only time, ever, in nearly 20 years of dating, that a significant other has given me something on Valentine's Day. Sure, I've had other boyfriends on that date, but none of them have ever given me something or done anything nice for me on that day.

I've learned my lesson about getting my hopes up, or thinking men are ever on the same page as women when it comes to romantic expectations. But more importantly, I still have hopes. I still think that maybe someday I'm going to have a good February 14. Maybe even have a date on Valentine's Day- wouldn't that be amazing? I still think that in spite of twenty years of not meeting Mr. Right that one day it will finally happen. I won't be waking up on Valentine's Day thinking the floral delivery truck is going to be in my driveway with roses from a mysterious admirer. But I do think that maybe someday I will meet a guy who will give me a rose or dozen. (In 20 years of dating, it has only happened once.) I'm not ready to give up yet.

But until then, I'm avoiding all restaurants and public places on the day I am convinced was designed to make single women feel bad about themselves.

Are you with me? Share your “Singles Awareness Day” stories with me!

ALL of my books are FREE on Amazon Kindle Feb 13-17, 2014! Don't miss your chance to download them today!

You Heard It Here First (book 1 in the Haley and Cam Series)

This Just In! (book 2 in the Haley and Cam Series)

The Agency: a biographical workplace novella

Fitting in When You’re a Single Square Peg in a Round Hole Made for Two.

 

Reprinted from Meridian Magazine January 2011. 

It isn't easy to sit down every other week and come up with something to say to thousands of invisible other singles. Are you out there? Can you hear me? Sometimes it is hard to know if anyone is listening or cares. And yet, I sit down and do my best week after week.
In my estimation, I have written over 100 articles for Meridian over the past eight years. Of which approximately 99 were about singles, dating, and single life. Of those 99, 98 were written specifically to the singles.
But two weeks ago, for the first time ever, I wrote to everyone else. To the Not Singles. I said some very blunt, straight-forward, and direct things, trying as hard as I could to remain emotionless and polite about it. The responses did not surprise me one bit. The sheer number of responses did surprise me, but not what was in them.
Except for one thing.
Out of 105 responses (as of the night I wrote this column), just about 80% of the people made it clear they thought I was whining, and that I should be telling the singles how to better integrate themselves, rather than offering advice for how other people could better involve the singles. 97 columns written for the singles.
How sad is it that the majority of people have never bothered to read the 97 columns obviously written for singles. We all know why they haven't done it- they aren't single. It didn't apply to them. Why should they bother?
And yet the majority of these people think that singles need to buck up and involve themselves more in activities and lessons not geared towards them.
So today we return to our regularly scheduled programming, and speak directly to the singles.

How can we better involve ourselves? How can we fit in and find happiness as a square peg in a round hole?
May I first make this suggestion? (As silly as it sounds.) Be grateful for the hole. Be glad you have something you care about so much that you want to fit in. Be grateful for the Gospel, the ability to attend Sunday services, and that you have the freedom to attend.
Just be grateful.
Second, somewhere my dad is saying to me for the umpteenth time, “Just get involved.” He'll tell me and you, if you want to get involved go up to the Bishop and tell him you need something to do. He's saying if your home or visiting teachers never come to visit you, call them and invite them over. (I will argue in my head that I don't want to invite someone over who obviously doesn't want to be there. But I know I will lose this argument against him when he says to tell the Elders Quorum president to get me home teachers that will show up.)
Third, you don't have to fit in or belong. Sometimes it just isn't going to work. You can try and try, but if the other party doesn't want to accept you, it just isn't going to happen. Find an online forum, or friends in another ward or stake to be friends with. You ward is nothing but geography. There is nothing that says you have to have something in common other than geography.
Fourth, find outside places to serve. Some of my most meaningful service experiences have not been through the Church. Ask yourself what your interests are, and what you are passionate about. And go serve in those areas! I have greatly loved my time working with the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. My “Little” is the best thing that ever happened to me. It is because of my relationship with her that I am able to better understand the Young Women I now serve. Find something you love and are passionate about, and serve in those ways. When we read “the least of these” there was no footnote that said, “within the geography of your ward boundaries.”
Fifth, I recently sat through a very well-planned and thought out third hour lesson, taught by the Stake Presidency. The topic? Better communication in our families/relationships. I would venture that 90% of the lesson was about strengthening marriages through better communication. I could not agree more. Unfortunately, I live alone, and my dog does not appreciate my attempts at better communication. Throughout the entire lesson I kept thinking to myself, “I should go see if I can swap with someone in the nursery or Primary. Give someone else the chance to go sit with her husband.” I didn't do it, but I should have. By the end of the lesson I was really kicking myself for not doing it. Singles, make yourself useful when things get irrelevant. Go relieve someone else, go help in the kitchen, do something. You don't have to just sit there and doodle.
Sixth, do it yourself. If your stake or ward is seriously lacking in decent singles activities, plan something on your own.
Seventh, don't get left out because nobody knows you exist. Go up to the head of the quorum, or the class president, and introduce yourself. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that no one will take an interest in that lonely, bored looking person in the back of the room. You have to let them know you exist.
Eighth, enjoy yourself. Don't have anyone to join for family home evening? Here's my favorite thing to do! Monday nights tend to be pretty dead in most restaurants. I take a good book and go try a new restaurant. Because they tend to be slow nights, I can sit and read and relax by myself. Take your scriptures, and you'll be surprised how many conversations strike up with other patrons!
Ninth, pick a family to be your new family. Sit with them, bring their kids treats, say hi in the halls, etc. You don't have to tell them you made them your new family. Just start being nice to them, and wait to see what happens. A few years back I picked a family to be my new ward family and did this. Within two months, their little four year old boy was running down the hall to me, dragging me to sit with him. I often had to hide my tears, so he wouldn't see me crying, I was so touched and happy to be loved.
A few years prior to that I was in a different ward. There was a couple with many children, but only one still at home. The father frequently traveled for business and wasn't there. We had a crowded ward, and when there was just enough room for me to join them on their bench each week. Before long it became natural and expected that I would sit with them. The father and I began comparing Blackberry models. The mother began saving me a seat in Relief Society. Their son? I'll just be impressed if he ever learned my name. Just having someone who expected me to sit with them made me go from feeling like one, long, single person in a ward of 500+, to suddenly belonging. And it was because I chose to sit with them, and not because someone came to me.
Tenth, last but not least. Don't give up. Never surrender. Nothing lasts forever. Leadership changes, people come and go, and life marches on. What seems like a miserable circumstance today, will disappear completely in a week. And when it gets to be too much? Just send me an email and we can commiserate. I'm here for you.
That's all the time we have today, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for all your comments and insights last week. It was truly overwhelming to get such a response. Next week we'll return to our more light-hearted and fun fare. Maybe even talk about the ridiculousness that can be online dating. Or not. I'm not so sure the more genteel married folk are ready to hear the honest (and perverted) truth about online dating yet! We shall see.
Until then, singles, good luck and keep up the good work. If you are reading this, than you are doing something right. It means you care about the Gospel, and being true to the Church. Good for you.
Now help us all out, and leave your personal tips for getting involved in your ward below!

How to Plan Activities for Singles over 30 (So They’ll Come and Not Resent You)

I don't like day old-zucchini bread, but I bought some anyway. Felt a special kinship to it because it's cheap, stale and never has any dates.

Question of the day- is it possible to plan activities for singles over 30 that they will actually enjoy, attend, and not roll their eyes at the mere suggestion of?

Answer- sometimes, but not usually.

Let’s dive in.

It is not easy to plan activities for singles over 30. Even more so, it is hard to plan activities that they will actually enjoy and want to attend.  Why? Because one size does not fit all. The larger the age span amongst the singles, the harder it is to include and entertain everyone. Add in all of the demographics and you’ll find it is impossible to please the masses. Some of the demographics include:

• Divorced? Never married? Widowed? Still bitter over the divorce? 
• Do they have children at home? With their former spouse? In another state? Are they toddlers or high schoolers? Are they grandparents? 
• Careers? Doctors? Bus drivers? School teachers? Military? Long hours? Work from home?
• Distance to the chapel? Distance to other singles? 
• Financially stable? Struggling economically? In graduate school? 
• Shy? Outgoing? Attractive? Overweight? Gym rat? Socially conservative? Socially awkward?

There are a lot of things to take into consideration when planning activities. Let’s get one thing straight- no one idea will appeal to all groups. Trust me, I’ve tried. It just won’t happen.

Here are a few key things to keep in mind when planning activities.

First and foremost- do not treat 40 year olds the same way that you would also treat 14 year olds. There is a very bad habit amongst Singles Representatives (whether they are married or single representatives) to forget that they are planning and working with singles, and they tend to treat the singles like they are still immature teenagers. Keep this in mind as well when deciding whether or not chaperones are necessary or just silly. In my personal opinion, this is the biggest mistake most planners make.

Singles over 30 are not the same as teenagers who are learning to socialize in mixed groups. Singles over 30 are very aware of the opposite sex and do not need chaperons to encourage such behavior. If the singles want to talk, they will talk. If they aren’t talking, it is because they don’t want to! Remember the old adage, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” I’d like to add on one more line to that when you are working with singles, “But you can remind him he’s thirsty!” You can plan all the activities you want, but you can’t make the opposite sexes speak to each other if they don’t want to. But you just might succeed in reminding them that they want to look more at the opposite sex.

Second, you can please some of the people some of the time, but you’ll never please all of the people all of the time.  So don’t try to please all age groups and all demographics of single adults at the same time. Plan some activities to cater to your older attendees, and plan some to cater to your younger attendees. And maybe (depending on the reactions of your locals) considering advertising it as such, to encourage the right target audience to attend.

Third, do not plan activities for 40 year olds that you would also plan for 14 year olds. Is there anything you enjoy doing in middle-age that you also enjoyed in your early teen years? Probably not. Keep that in mind as you try to plan activities.

Next, less structured activities are best! This brings me to my first personal example. I have attended very forced structured FHE activities, held in the chapel, and I have attended simple Monday night get-togethers in homes.  My favorite activity was when the singles of my family ward would get together at a popular restaurant on Monday nights for dollar burgers and dollar drinks. It was very informal, and attendees were welcome to show up late. We just sat around and talked and enjoyed each other’s company. No one was under obligation to order food or drinks, plan a lesson or give a thought. But everyone has to eat dinner, so why not do it together? These completely unstructured, unforced, simple, conversation friendly gatherings started small with just a few attendees and quickly grew to our largest activities.

Singles are busy with jobs, responsibilities, and many other things.

The activities that are planned for them have to compete against the “real world” facing singles. When you have worked hard all week, cleaned house, paid the bills, filled your ward calling, and walked the dog, do chips and fruit punch followed by a forced awkward conversation in the cultural hall sound interesting? Plan activities that excite people to want to attend. Give attendees something to look forward to. Consider doing fewer small, weekly, or monthly activities in favor of larger “outside of the chapel” activities instead. Give people plenty of time to schedule the activities into their lives and budget their money if necessary. Again, I will point out the obvious, life is different over 30, as compared to when we were teenagers, or young college students where all we had to think about was school and the opposite sex. Now we just wish that was all that we have to think about!

So what activities might actually appeal to singles? This is a tough and loaded question. Every demographic will have a different answer. Every different town will have different answers. The list below are nothing more than what appealed to me, a 35-year-old, never married, socially-outgoing, big-city woman, who likes good conversation and big outdoor events. And I can absolutely guarantee that someone is reading this article disagreeing with everything I have said- which actually only proves my point further- single adults are not a “one size fits all” category. What works in one town with one group of singles will probably bomb and be a disaster in another town.

Activity ideas

Service projects, service projects, and more service projects. Really, you can never have too many service projects.

Local sporting events- pick a local team, whether it is major or minor leagues, or even the local high school, and become supportive fans. Buying group tickets to multiple games usually means you can get a significant discount.

Outdoor concerts- especially free concerts!

Overnight camping trips

Beach or lake trips

Hikes- try not to do anything too difficult that will scare off the less pedestally gifted. Rent out a local movie theater for a private screening of a popular movie. Invite attendees to invite non-member friends to join them. Fill the theater with friends and allow for time for socializing before and after.

Potluck Sunday dinners (someplace besides the chapel)

Monthly dinner groups at popular local restaurants

When your stake organizes basketball/volleyball/softball teams, ask if the singles can be a team, instead of participating on ward teams.

Do look around and ask if most of your participants are single parents. Consider offering daycare during the activity.

Advertise, advertise, advertise. Call each individual ward bulletin rep and ask him/her to advertise the activity. You never know who will only learn about your activity that way.
Pick up the phone and invite all of your inactive attendees for every activity.

Things to consider not doing

Dances- dances are fun in moderation. But do you remember how awkward it was to dance in the church gym when you were 15? It doesn’t get less awkward at 35, especially when most of the opposite sex are the same age as your dad/mom (or older!).  Have dances, just don’t only have dances.

Activities that force people to talk to complete strangers while other people watch.  Always ask yourself, “If I was new here, would I want to be forced to talk to this person twice my age that I have nothing in common with while doing this activity?” If you have to stop and think about the answer, don’t do it.

Gear all your activities to the younger crowd/older crowd. Remember that what will be interesting to the over 50 crowd will not be of interest to the under 40 crowd. Don’t try to please both groups at the same time. Try to please them at different times.

Plan an activity just to impress or include one person. Come on, admit it planners, you have done this at least once. I know there are more than a few guilty parties out there who planned an elaborate or specific event just to catch the attention of one special someone. How do you think the rest of your attendees felt about that activity?

Speed-dating- here’s another great example of something that will sound fun to a select few, and will send the rest of the crowd running. Men in particular do not care to be forced into a situation where they have to talk to someone they don’t know, and may not care to know better.  No one appreciates forced conversation.

(That being said, yes, some people love speed-dating.)

Don’t hold all of your activities at the chapel. Try to get out of the ward building and into member’s homes, or outside, or into local venues.

Now it is time for a confession from me. I didn't go to a church sponsored singles activity for nearly three years. There was once a day where I was the activity planning queen and had vowed to support all of my singles activities, because I knew how hard it was to plan the activities.

So why did I stop attending? Well, first it was because I moved to a new town. I was the only single in my ward, and one of the very few singles in my stake. We didn’t have any activities, or at least, I never heard about any of them. I attempted to attend the activities of a nearby singles ward. But while I am outgoing and unafraid, I absolutely hate walking into a new environment where I don’t know anyone. I went to a few activities and felt so out of place that I gave up. That cycle repeated itself for the next few years.  I’d get up the guts to attend, find myself alone and out of place, and just leave. There weren’t any other singles in my wards, and I had to put a lot of effort into going to other ward’s activities. When I would hear about the activities, they rarely sounded like something I wanted to put a lot of effort into attending. So there I was a single woman, who really didn’t have many ways of meeting other LDS singles, who would have loved to attend activities, but the activities were what was keeping me away. I wish my stake had provided activities, or at the very least, that the coordinators from my stake (if we even had them) had tried to invite me out.

Single adult activities are often a “never give up, never surrender” trial. You may feel like you have bombed and everyone hates your activities. But somewhere, I can promise you, there is one single who was grateful you gave them the chance to get out and make friends that day. So don’t give up! Never surrender! Just get up and try, try again!

So Why Aren't You Married Yet?

When I was 20 years old dating seemed pretty straight forward. I met a guy, smiled, flirted, chatted a bit, and maybe spent a few extra minutes after a church activity alone with him in the parking lot so that he could ask for my number. He would ask, I would share, and within a week or two we would go on a date. After two or three dates he would either make a move or he would stop calling. There was not a lot of guesswork involved.

I think this is what most of my married friends think dating still entails. But trust me folks, as much as I wish it was that simple, it isn’t. Now I find I have to know a man for several months, talking, flirting, etc, and then still have to tell him, “I’d like to go to dinner with you sometime.” Even then, he doesn’t always get the point.

But what has really changed about dating is the questions I get. This is an issue I never saw coming. Somewhere after my thirtieth birthday men started asking me, “So why haven’t you ever been married?” With the implication quite clear- there must be something wrong with me that I have never been married. This question is usually followed up with, “Have you ever been engaged or in a serious relationship?” I was raised to think that you don’t bring up your past or your baggage on a date. And you certainly don’t talk about your exes on a date. But I find that when I honestly answer, “Yes, I have,” (Both been in serious relationships and have been engaged), that there are invasive questions that follow.

But what I really never saw coming is that some people would consider this to be a strike against me. Having never been married somehow makes me broken or less worthy in the dating world. Some people prefer to date divorcees, over those of us who have never been married. Apparently who I am and what this new person thinks of me, isn’t what is important. It is what all of the other men who came before thought of me that matters to the new men. Personally, I find this perverse and very juvenile thinking, like elementary school politics.

And so dating begins a sort of cyclical behavior where the divorcees prefer to date other divorcees. And the “Never Beens” don’t date at much at all. The repeat brides and grooms keep the cycle going, while Never Beens hold out for their one and only, both sides thinking that the other side is broken.

Is there an answer to this? Probably not, because there is no one size fits all answer.  It’s like the old joke, “When you’ve seen one divorce, you have seen ONE divorce.” It is the same with the Never Beens. If you have met and know one single person, that is all you know. They are not all the same, and no two stories are alike. I am not still single for the same reason your nephew is still single. We are all unique with our own explanations.

I find I could give serious answers to this question. If I tried to my answer would likely be something along the lines of, “I have prayed often about it and feel strongly that the Lord has other things in store for me by way of serving others. And a marriage and responsibilities would hold me back from doing all of the things the Lord has planned for me.” But that is an incredibly personal and private answer that, quite frankly, I don’t feel a first or second date has the privilege to know. Especially since what most of them really want to know is whether or not I am interested in ever having sex, or if it is a lack of interest that has kept me from getting married. And trust me folks, I’m sure as heck not going to answer that. So instead, I prefer to give my favorite answer, “You haven’t asked me yet.” It tends to weed the weak from the strong, and I prefer a man with a good, strong, sense of humor with thick skin.

So I asked my friends, what do you say when someone asks why you have never been married? Feel free to borrow from my arsenal and use these for the next time you get an inappropriate inquiry.

“She was killed in the war in heaven.”

“Prop 8 ruined it for me.”

“Why aren’t you thin?”

“My mother says no one is good enough for me. “

“I suppose it doesn’t help that underneath my clothes my entire body is covered in scales.” (Paraphrasing Bridget Jones’ Diary)

“I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss America.”

“I just haven’t met you yet.”

“I paid for a lifetime membership on eHarmony, and don’t want to lose my investment.”

But seriously folks, why is it a bad thing that someone hasn’t entered into a bad union? I will be the first to admit that there are more than a few singles over 30 who are “Never Beens” with good reason.

And now I turn it to you, Gentle Readers. Is it a plus or negative when you meet someone who has Never Been married? Do you immediately assume they are broken or strange? Share your thoughts below. And if you don’t mind, can you be so kind as to indicate if you are a Never Been Married, Once Was Married, Repeat Offender, or Eternally Bound? Thanks!