Singles Awareness Day

(Reprinted from Meridian Magazine, February 2012)

You didn't think I was going to let February 14 go by without acknowledging the most dreaded day of all singles, did you? Never fear, my single friends, I am here to commiserate with you! I will share my worst experience with you, but in return, I expect to hear your awful stories in the comments below.

I will never forget my worst Valentine's Day ever, but to say that indicates that somewhere along the way I have had a good Valentine's Day. The truth is, even on the years where I had a boyfriend on February 14, I've never had a good, romantic, worthy of recording it in my journal, or even just calling my best friend, kind of day. I've had pretty much nothing but really lousy Valentine's Days. (Unless you count the year I was going through fire-fighting school and I got to rappel down the side of a burning building, getting the best time in my class, as a good day.)

No, I've had some pretty rotten V-days. I'm one of those singles who would prefer to just sleep through the day, never being forced to see all of the people wearing pink and red, carrying flowers and balloons in the hallways at work, while giving cheery answers to questions like, “So do you have any fun Valentine's plans?” No, I plan to be at home watching NCIS and hanging out with my dog, just like I do on most Tuesday nights. The only thing different is this week I won't get to eat Indian take-out while watching TV, because I have to avoid all restaurants at all costs, so as to not be seen alone in my alone-ness. Which is stupid, quite frankly, because, I'm alone in my alone-ness all the time! I go into restaurants and eat alone pretty regularly. But no, once a year, all those gross lovey-dovey people have to go and ruin it for me, and I'm stuck at home eating Lean Cuisine instead.

But back to the worst Valentine's Day ever. I tell you this story at great risk to myself. I have no idea if the man involved will ever read this. I'm going to assume that he doesn't, since he's never told me so (but then, we haven't talked in 16 years, so I don't know that he would. And he probably won't now either). If you just happen to be that man, I hope you too can see the humor in this story now!

I was just barely nineteen at the time. One of those BYU stories of the girl that got engaged just six months out of high school to a guy she had only known a matter of weeks. But of course, not really engaged, just verbally engaged without a ring. Nonetheless, the point is, I had a significant other on Valentine's Day. I had expectations. I had dreams. I had very big plans. After all, we were just recently and verbally agreed to be married! I was owed a diamond! Me and my nineteen years of wisdom knew exactly how this day would play out, and it would end in a hugely, overly romantic love story to tell our grandchildren someday!

Obviously, that didn't happen.

What did happen is he had an exam that day. And I, being a college student with big wedding plans, had taken a temp job working in the BYU on-campus florist. (Exactly why does a university need an on-campus florist, by the way? If not only to further encourage silly college romances?) It was working at my temp job that day that I discovered just how wretched allergies can be, and that I am horribly allergic to many types of flowers. After eight straight hours of flower arranging, and being surrounded by all those (painful) pretty smells, I was in complete misery. However, let's keep it to the obvious facts here. I was also an overly romantic and sentimental mostly verbally engaged nineteen year old in a flower shop on Valentines Day. Do you see where I am going here? I may have actually woken up that morning still a somewhat reasonable person. By the end of my shift making other people's romantic gifts, I was expecting a 12 piece string orchestra, dozens and dozens of roses, a steak dinner, and more than one diamond ring. Wouldn't you?

I spent most of the money I earned that day right there in the florist buying him a gift and having it delivered. It was a teddy bear, a balloon, and some roses that I personally picked out and arranged. Because what red-blooded, American male college student doesn't want a teddy bear, balloon, and roses?

After work I went to my room and primped. For what? I didn't know. I just knew it was Valentine's Day and obviously the man who was verbally committed to giving me a diamond ring was going to be doing something grand. I waited and waited. And my allergies and sinus infection grew worse and worse, not helped by the two dozen roses my roommate had received taking up real estate in our tiny room. Finally my phone rang saying I had a delivery at the front desk. Expecting nothing less than a limousine and other fantastic gestures I ran downstairs.

And picked up another dozen roses some guy had sent my roommate.

I returned to my room, checked my messages to make sure I hadn't missed my beloved's call (I hadn't), and resumed my flights of fancy.

The phone rang again.

I ran back to the front desk.

Where I found the teddy bear, roses, and balloon I had sent my significant other waiting for me. The delivery guy had sent it to the wrong person. Oh and the receipt was still attached. I took the receipt off and had them call the right person. And returned to my room.

I kid you not, I walked in the door and the phone rang again.

Back to the front desk.

Another dozen roses for my roommate.

Where was my roommate you might ask? Out on a date with her boyfriend, who was not the bequeathor of the now four dozen roses in my tiny little dorm room. Also, I was starting to resent my roommate just a little bit. Yes, I had that kind of roommate who just got dozens of roses randomly sent to her by men she barely knew. And yet, I still loved her anyway.

For several more hours I sat there patiently in my room, my head throbbing with a sinus infection, blowing my nose, getting sicker by the minute. It was 10pm before he called.I almost didn't answer it because I was convinced it was going to be the front desk calling with an entire rose garden for my roommate.But it was my mostly betrothed, so I went down to see him, Kleenex and all.

He thanked me for my cute little gift, and told me all about his big exam, and how it had taken all day. He finally noticed I was sick and offered me back the teddy bear I had given him. “The bear? The stupid little bear? I don't want the bear! Just give me my stinking engagement ring!!!” was sloshing with rage through my very congested head.

Did I mention we were in a classroom? We were two car-less college students without a lot of options. A lot of our “dates” were just sitting in empty classrooms or study rooms talking.

So there we were- me with the worst sinus infection in history bubbling out of my nose, and him with that dumb bear I gave him. He finally reaches into his backpack and tells me to close my eyes and put out my hands. I only put out my left hand, palm down. He turned my hand over and put a plastic take out container in it before I opened my eyes.

A frosted sugar cookie.

But not just any frosted sugar cookie. A broken frosted sugar cookie with “Be Mine” iced onto it.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was expecting an engagement ring, and I got a broken cookie.

Did I mention I hate sugar cookies?

He explained it got smashed in his backpack, and the frosting smeared a little bit. Yes, yes, I could see that.

And that, my friends, is the only time, ever, in nearly 20 years of dating, that a significant other has given me something on Valentine's Day. Sure, I've had other boyfriends on that date, but none of them have ever given me something or done anything nice for me on that day.

I've learned my lesson about getting my hopes up, or thinking men are ever on the same page as women when it comes to romantic expectations. But more importantly, I still have hopes. I still think that maybe someday I'm going to have a good February 14. Maybe even have a date on Valentine's Day- wouldn't that be amazing? I still think that in spite of twenty years of not meeting Mr. Right that one day it will finally happen. I won't be waking up on Valentine's Day thinking the floral delivery truck is going to be in my driveway with roses from a mysterious admirer. But I do think that maybe someday I will meet a guy who will give me a rose or dozen. (In 20 years of dating, it has only happened once.) I'm not ready to give up yet.

But until then, I'm avoiding all restaurants and public places on the day I am convinced was designed to make single women feel bad about themselves.

Are you with me? Share your “Singles Awareness Day” stories with me!

ALL of my books are FREE on Amazon Kindle Feb 13-17, 2014! Don't miss your chance to download them today!

You Heard It Here First (book 1 in the Haley and Cam Series)

This Just In! (book 2 in the Haley and Cam Series)

The Agency: a biographical workplace novella

Fitting in When You’re a Single Square Peg in a Round Hole Made for Two.

 

Reprinted from Meridian Magazine January 2011. 

It isn't easy to sit down every other week and come up with something to say to thousands of invisible other singles. Are you out there? Can you hear me? Sometimes it is hard to know if anyone is listening or cares. And yet, I sit down and do my best week after week.
In my estimation, I have written over 100 articles for Meridian over the past eight years. Of which approximately 99 were about singles, dating, and single life. Of those 99, 98 were written specifically to the singles.
But two weeks ago, for the first time ever, I wrote to everyone else. To the Not Singles. I said some very blunt, straight-forward, and direct things, trying as hard as I could to remain emotionless and polite about it. The responses did not surprise me one bit. The sheer number of responses did surprise me, but not what was in them.
Except for one thing.
Out of 105 responses (as of the night I wrote this column), just about 80% of the people made it clear they thought I was whining, and that I should be telling the singles how to better integrate themselves, rather than offering advice for how other people could better involve the singles. 97 columns written for the singles.
How sad is it that the majority of people have never bothered to read the 97 columns obviously written for singles. We all know why they haven't done it- they aren't single. It didn't apply to them. Why should they bother?
And yet the majority of these people think that singles need to buck up and involve themselves more in activities and lessons not geared towards them.
So today we return to our regularly scheduled programming, and speak directly to the singles.

How can we better involve ourselves? How can we fit in and find happiness as a square peg in a round hole?
May I first make this suggestion? (As silly as it sounds.) Be grateful for the hole. Be glad you have something you care about so much that you want to fit in. Be grateful for the Gospel, the ability to attend Sunday services, and that you have the freedom to attend.
Just be grateful.
Second, somewhere my dad is saying to me for the umpteenth time, “Just get involved.” He'll tell me and you, if you want to get involved go up to the Bishop and tell him you need something to do. He's saying if your home or visiting teachers never come to visit you, call them and invite them over. (I will argue in my head that I don't want to invite someone over who obviously doesn't want to be there. But I know I will lose this argument against him when he says to tell the Elders Quorum president to get me home teachers that will show up.)
Third, you don't have to fit in or belong. Sometimes it just isn't going to work. You can try and try, but if the other party doesn't want to accept you, it just isn't going to happen. Find an online forum, or friends in another ward or stake to be friends with. You ward is nothing but geography. There is nothing that says you have to have something in common other than geography.
Fourth, find outside places to serve. Some of my most meaningful service experiences have not been through the Church. Ask yourself what your interests are, and what you are passionate about. And go serve in those areas! I have greatly loved my time working with the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. My “Little” is the best thing that ever happened to me. It is because of my relationship with her that I am able to better understand the Young Women I now serve. Find something you love and are passionate about, and serve in those ways. When we read “the least of these” there was no footnote that said, “within the geography of your ward boundaries.”
Fifth, I recently sat through a very well-planned and thought out third hour lesson, taught by the Stake Presidency. The topic? Better communication in our families/relationships. I would venture that 90% of the lesson was about strengthening marriages through better communication. I could not agree more. Unfortunately, I live alone, and my dog does not appreciate my attempts at better communication. Throughout the entire lesson I kept thinking to myself, “I should go see if I can swap with someone in the nursery or Primary. Give someone else the chance to go sit with her husband.” I didn't do it, but I should have. By the end of the lesson I was really kicking myself for not doing it. Singles, make yourself useful when things get irrelevant. Go relieve someone else, go help in the kitchen, do something. You don't have to just sit there and doodle.
Sixth, do it yourself. If your stake or ward is seriously lacking in decent singles activities, plan something on your own.
Seventh, don't get left out because nobody knows you exist. Go up to the head of the quorum, or the class president, and introduce yourself. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that no one will take an interest in that lonely, bored looking person in the back of the room. You have to let them know you exist.
Eighth, enjoy yourself. Don't have anyone to join for family home evening? Here's my favorite thing to do! Monday nights tend to be pretty dead in most restaurants. I take a good book and go try a new restaurant. Because they tend to be slow nights, I can sit and read and relax by myself. Take your scriptures, and you'll be surprised how many conversations strike up with other patrons!
Ninth, pick a family to be your new family. Sit with them, bring their kids treats, say hi in the halls, etc. You don't have to tell them you made them your new family. Just start being nice to them, and wait to see what happens. A few years back I picked a family to be my new ward family and did this. Within two months, their little four year old boy was running down the hall to me, dragging me to sit with him. I often had to hide my tears, so he wouldn't see me crying, I was so touched and happy to be loved.
A few years prior to that I was in a different ward. There was a couple with many children, but only one still at home. The father frequently traveled for business and wasn't there. We had a crowded ward, and when there was just enough room for me to join them on their bench each week. Before long it became natural and expected that I would sit with them. The father and I began comparing Blackberry models. The mother began saving me a seat in Relief Society. Their son? I'll just be impressed if he ever learned my name. Just having someone who expected me to sit with them made me go from feeling like one, long, single person in a ward of 500+, to suddenly belonging. And it was because I chose to sit with them, and not because someone came to me.
Tenth, last but not least. Don't give up. Never surrender. Nothing lasts forever. Leadership changes, people come and go, and life marches on. What seems like a miserable circumstance today, will disappear completely in a week. And when it gets to be too much? Just send me an email and we can commiserate. I'm here for you.
That's all the time we have today, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for all your comments and insights last week. It was truly overwhelming to get such a response. Next week we'll return to our more light-hearted and fun fare. Maybe even talk about the ridiculousness that can be online dating. Or not. I'm not so sure the more genteel married folk are ready to hear the honest (and perverted) truth about online dating yet! We shall see.
Until then, singles, good luck and keep up the good work. If you are reading this, than you are doing something right. It means you care about the Gospel, and being true to the Church. Good for you.
Now help us all out, and leave your personal tips for getting involved in your ward below!

Being Single is Not a Curse!

Reprint of an article posted in Meridian Magazine from July 2010. 

Today I took a long walk in the woods with my dog. It was a beautiful and perfect afternoon. I brought my camera and a book and made myself comfortable on a bench for a few hours. It really was lovely. But I can't say "it was all I could have wanted,” because as I sat there on the bench, overlooking a beautiful valley, basking in my personal perfect day, all I could think about was how much I wanted there to be a special someone sitting beside me. How I longed for a meaningful conversation with a special someone. How if the right person were beside me I could put my head on his shoulder, and hold his hand, and just gaze on that view forever. But the bench was empty beside me.

I'm single. Very single. And there are many days when I wonder if there will ever be a special someone to sit beside me again. There are days when I question what I did to deserve to be single. Is this punishment for some sin I have committed? How much longer until I have repented? Is this the life my Heavenly Father wants for me? Will I ever have children? Will that bench forever be empty because of some choice I don't remember making? And I am not alone in my fears and concerns.

Questions of “Why am I still single?” “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” “Why does he get to be married and not me?” “How can she be married twice and I still haven’t found one husband?” “I’ve prayed for it and I’m a good person, so why hasn’t the Lord sent me an eternal companion?” “How am I ever supposed to fit in at church when it is all about families, and I don’t have one?” “Why should I have to sit through another lesson about parenting when I’ll probably never be a parent myself?” “Why should I go to another ward activity geared toward children and families? I won't fit in,” and so many other questions of doubt are common and not unusual in the minds of an unmarried member of the Church.

The Truth Hurts

Singles often feel alienated or left out of the general membership of the Church. Without children, or without spouses, what place is there for them at ward activities that are so often family oriented? When lessons and advice are given regarding strengthening family relationships, what do they have to offer to the lesson or to take away from it?
But maybe the most difficult part of being single, particularly for those individuals who have passed the more culturally traditional younger years of courtship and have entered into their thirties, forties, and older, is wondering why I have not found a spouse? Why have I not been so blessed? “Am I so hard to love? What’s wrong with me? Am I not faithful enough? Why doesn’t anyone want me?” All of these questions can be painful and difficult to ask, and at times can lead to an individual’s slow departure from activity within the Church, where so many discussions revolve around eternal marriage, faithfulness, and endurance.

Elder Neal Maxwell in his book “And These Things Shall Give Thee Experience,” counseled that we are not being punished when we do not receive that which we desire. Sometimes the Lord has other plans for us. It is our job to do our best, and be happy, no matter what the situation. I would like to think that the alternative to not getting married and being a mother should be a high-paying job with lots of adventure and excitement. Sadly, this does not seem to be the plan for me either.

The Secret to Happiness

To find happiness and contentment in our lives, no matter our situation, is often the ultimate challenge. Whether it be the family dealing with financial downturn, or an infertile couple longing for a child, or the desperate desire to find love and a mate, the challenge is to find “joy in the journey,” even when the journey is not the one we expected or wanted to take.

President Thomas S. Monson said it this way, “This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief.

Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not.

I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.”

So singles, I ask you this- are you finding joy in the journey? Are you happy? Are you living your life to the fullest, in spite of the fact that maybe you are not living the life you want to have? It can be hard. It can be really hard. It hurts going to church on Sunday and sitting alone. It hurts sitting in Relief Society listening to a lesson on parenting or love at home or when someone talks about the joys of marriage. And nothing is more irritating when a young bride half your age tearfully says,”I prayed so long and hard and waited for so long to find the right man.” All you can think is, “Honey, I'll show you what waiting forever feels like!” How is it possible to be happy and find joy in the journey when cards seem to be stacked against you?

Elder Maxwell described these challenges as one of the “hard doctrines” of the Gospel.  He quoted author C.S. Lewis in this regard, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

Being Single is NOT a Curse!!

Being single is not a curse, or an affliction. It is not a trial that you must “overcome.” Your life, your mission, your Plan, is not a trial! It is simply that the Lord has other desires for you. What role has He carved out for you? What do you have to offer? The Lord knows you, your talents, and has provided you with the circumstances so that you may do your best. It is not an accident that you were born at this time and place. You must find your self-worth and be an instrument in the Lord’s hands. “The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God.” There was no postscript that said “Except some will be worth more than others because they got married and raised a family. Through no fault of your own you will not be worth as much.”  The Lord values you, and has put you in the situation where he needs you. Give yourself to the Lord so that you may be the person He needs you to be.

You must find your calling in life and magnify it. Some will be called to be mothers and fathers. Others will not be held back by the constraints of a family so that they may serve in other ways to the wards, communities, and even the world around them. Being single is not a limitation or condemnation. It is the opportunity to expand and do more, while living a Gospel-centered life. Marriage does not solve any one’s problems. Marriage alone will not make you happy. You must be happy with who you are above all else. Find joy in your journey!

What should we do with the singles?

Have you ever asked yourself, "What should we do with the singles?"

One way to "help" the LDS singles is to ask whether or not the Single Adult program in your area is helping single church members "choose the good part." Not too many years ago, Elder Marvin J. Ashton encouraged everyone, particularly the women, to "choose the good part."

Many single adult programs are set up to serve as a "meet market." This thwarts the purpose of helping the participants choose the better part. Just like all other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, singles are faced with the challenge of living life fully, richly, and joyfully. The only difference between singles and the rest of the Church is that singles must learn to do it alone.

In a family centered church, where it is expected that happiness depends upon a family and spouse, singles frequently feel as if they are not supposed to feel happiness or joy in their situation. Or somehow it is impossible to feel joy in their situation. In spite of their many accomplishments outside of the home, some singles feel they have somehow failed at life because they are not yet married. It is imperative to provide a program that allows singles to choose the better part.

The best council we can all seek is that of President Hinckley. He said to the singles who wish to be married, "Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably.

"I believe that for most of us the best medicine for loneliness is work, service in behalf of others. I do not minimize your problems, but I do not hesitate to say that there are many others whose problems are more serious than are yours. Reach out to serve them, to help them, to encourage them. There are so many boys and girls who fail in school for want of a little personal attention and encouragement. There are so many elderly people who live in misery and loneliness and fear for whom a simple conversation would bring a measure of hope and happiness."

Singles programs need to reach out to include every single from every walk of life. Many singles feel that their lives revolve around nothing but themselves. Everywhere they go and everything they do they are reminded that they are single. Allow church to be the one place where their marital status is not their defining characteristic.

Tips for a Successful Singles Activity

If you are asking yourself why you have 500 singles in your area, and yet only 20 show up for your bi-monthly potluck and fireside and dance combo night, instead of adding another exciting element to the night, ask yourself first if your singles program is set up to fulfill the guidelines President Hinckley outlined above, and then ask the singles what they would like to do for activities. Give the singles the opportunity to meet in each other's homes. Give them the chance to serve each other. If the thought, "What do singles like to do?" crosses your mind, ask yourself how you would like to spend an evening making new friends. Singles are people too.

Elder John K. Carmack Of the First Quorum of the Seventy offered a few observations for singles ("To My Single Friends," Ensign, Mar. 1989, 27):

1. Marriage is more likely to come as a result of being involved in other useful activities and goals.

2. Keep a long-range, spiritual perspective.

3. Maintain a loving, tolerant mortal perspective, too.

4. Look outward and away from yourself.

Guidelines for activities might include the following (and these are applicable to more than just a singles activity!):

Create opportunities for new interaction.
Create activities that allow people to relax out of their comfort zone. When planning the activity, ask yourself how comfortable you would be in a room surrounded by new people attempting the feat at hand.
Be innovative; go beyond the ward barbecue.
Make sure the purpose of the activity is more entertaining than the best that TV has to offer that night. If you didn't have to be there, would you want to be?
Don't waste your budget on the decorations or food. Delegating these opportunities to the attendees to be involved in the success of the activity will up your attendance numbers and encourage participation.


What Not to Say to a Single

Singles frequently hear criticism that they are too picky and that is why it has taken them so long to get married. Relationships are not as easy today as they once were. This generation has seen divorce rates climb, as our parents', friends', and siblings' marriages have failed. Telling someone to lose their "high" standards is the equivalent of telling them to ignore divorce rates and the factors that lead to it. As a single I have frequently heard variations on the misquote "any two righteous persons can get married and make a marriage work." And then someone tells me not to be picky - that I should be able to marry anyone and be happy. A more appropriate quote was given by Elder Marion Hanks in 1984:

"I [wish] to testify that the principles and covenants of the gospel, particularly those of the temple, are the best possible basis on which to build a strong union; and that such a marriage never just happens. It is brought about not simply by ceremony or circumstance or chance, but by two mature, loving adults who are able and willing to learn the principles upon which a vital and durable marriage may be fashioned and who, day by day, year by year, work on that process."

How You Can Help the Singles Feel Comfortable in a Family Ward

Treat them like normal people. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Singles Are People Too

In summary, what can you do with the Singles? Allow them to serve you and serve them. Integrate them fully into all ward and stake activities. Treat them like any other adult in your stake. Provide them with a service and gospel-oriented program.

5 guys, 5 minutes. What could possibly go wrong?

Arms Wide Open: a novella 

Lauren Brooks is in a rut, and her roomie is determined to yank her out of it by convincing her to participate in a local coffee shop's 5-in-5 speed dating event. Once she agrees, it takes her about 30 seconds to realize if there's an oddball out there looking for love, he'll find her. And creep her out. She confronts one weirdo after another until someone she used to know winds up in the same place, and she has to decide what she wants more: to make a break for it, or embrace the possibilities of another chance.

Fun Facts about Arms Wide Open:

Lauren Brooks is based on a real person...a real survivor.

Although the author doesn't name a city as the setting, she imagined it happening in a little shop by the pier in Old Town Alexandria, Virginia.

The eyeball guy, Rico Suave, and the amorous hipster are all based on actual dates the author suffered through.

Check out Arms Wide Open, a novella about taking a chance on love! 

About the author: Juli Caldwell is also the author of Psyched, a YA paranormal novel, and Beyond Perfection, a latter-day romance. She lives near the shores of the Great Salt Lake with her husband, two bookworm daughters, and a dog who sheds too much. She will love you forever if you like her facebook page and follow her on Twitter. Check her blog often for updates on upcoming books, contests, and giveaways from her and other amazing authors!

Ignoring 50% of the Population

This past week I visited an LDS Church bookstore in Maryland. (In Utah and the rest of the "Jello Belt" these stores are common. Not so much on the East Coast.) I looked through the rows of books for something to jump out at me. There were books on deep, philosophical life questions, lots of books on parenting and "strengthening marriages," and oh so many books on how tough it is to be a teenager. Not one book on or for singles. Not one.
I wasn't surprised. Singles in this church are often overlooked and ignored. When you do find books, or talks, geared towards singles they are almost always about dating and how to get married. I can't think of one exception to this rule.
This is ridiculous.
There is a strongly held idea/rumor/belief that 50% of the adults in the Mormon church are single. After this experience at the bookstore, I wanted to see if that number is real, and I wanted to compare it against the general population.
In my stake there are roughly 1,143 singles, out of 1,714 "households." (For my non-Mormon readers, a "stake" is a geographic group of congregations known as wards. Usually a stake has about 8-10 wards in it. And most wards have about 300-500 members (adults and children).)
Using only the public rosters found online,  I counted up the number of households in the stake, and the number of "heads of household" that only list one adult. In general, if there is only one adult listed, it means that person is single.  If there are two names, it means married (duh). However, this is not a failproof system. If someone is married to a non-Mormon the spouse may or may not be listed. And then there is the age issue. Let's put it this way, my grandmother (age 88) is listed as a head of household, but I wouldn't consider her single. (I don't think she's looking to date or meet other singles at her age.) last but not least, if someone isn't all that active in church, his/her record/roster may not have been updated recently.
Now, going back to the stake demographics. 1,143 out of 1,714 households are listed with only one adult. Just to make this number more realistic, let's knock off 10% for just being wrong or poorly updated records. (Why 10%? I looked at my personal congregation, and that is the number of incorrect records I could spot instantly.) That brings us to roughly 1,029 people. Now let's take off 20% for being over 60 years old. This is Roanoke, so that number is probably low. We have a LOT of old people here. That brings us to 829 people.  (If we used the number of "old" people in my own ward as a guide, we'd be knocking off more than 50%.) And then I'm all for knocking off 29 people for being married to a non-Mormon and not falling into one of the previous categories (most likely the ineptly updated records category). Leaving us with a clean number of 800. Which is roughly 47% of the adults in the Roanoke stake, are actually single.
Let's repeat that. 47% of the adults in the Roanoke stake are single.
This is in a town where most people would tell you (or at least, it's what they tell me) we don't have any singles, besides me, and one or two other people.

Singles Meme

The Story of a Nice Mormon Girl wouldn't be complete without a singles meme of her own!

Created by John Gilbert and ErinAnnie

Singles Awareness Day

You don't know it but today is fairly significant for me.
Why?
1. I have not one, but two articles in Meridian Magazine today. Why? Some people like love stories, the rest of us are single.
2. I just spent more money on a (bright hot pink) bridesmaid's dress that I will wear one time than I have ever spent on any item of clothing ever before (prom dresses included). As a result, I can't afford new tires on my car. That's a big deal for me. Yes, fashion before safety I always say.
3. I got a job offer I wasn't looking for. And now I have to decide between pursuing my writing career (with little to no safety net, but I'm absolutely LOVING), and other options. I've never been more confused in my life. How do you choose between Life Plan A and Life Plan B? Two very different paths, two very different dreams. If you need me, I'll be curled up in the fetal position drinking Diet Dr Pepper, until the decision fairies come down and tell me what to do.
4. I found out that the best Chinese food in our town now delivers to my house. And they deliver sushi. (Less than a 5 minute drive- otherwise, I would never get delivered sushi.) And it is really good sushi.

Single Mormon Woman Shares All

Earlier this week I wrote a piece for Meridian Magazine entitled "Where are the Role Models for Single Women?" Today I read a great piece in the Washington Post, "Some people never find the love of their lives. And live to tell about it." It is accompanied by the results of a fascinating survey about single life.
As a Single Mormon Woman I found that I could relate to much of the article, but less so to the survey results. Very rarely were my answers the same as the majority of answers. I believe this is partially due to my Mormon background, as well as my discomfort with my current financial and professional situations (which, yes, are improving, but are far from perfect). It is possible that if those two areas of my life were more stable and secure that I may have different answers.

Yesterday something very interesting happened to me. I have lived in Roanoke for nearly two years, and for the first time since moving here I was invited to a social event [that wasn't with my family members]. Yes, for the first time in nearly two years, I got invited out to play. At first I was just happy to be invited and to attend. It wasn't until a few hours before the party that it hit me- I'm the only single in this town. I'm going to a party that will undoubtedly be all married couples- and me. I've been in these situations before and they can be downright miserable when you are the third wheel. However, I thought about it, and knew that it was very likely that the other guests would all be couples I am friends with. I went to the party, and I had a good time. I was very grateful that someone would think to invite me, rather than exclude me just because it might be strange to have that one single girl there in a room full of couples. Because heaven knows, we singles do get left out often enough because we don't have a spouse.

With all of that in mind, I'd like to expand a little bit on what I read in Meridian, and reference the Washington Post article, as I make a few more points. I have inserted more thoughts throughout the piece below than just what originally ran on Meridian. I have not indicated when I have not done that.


What the Young Woman Lesson Manual Said
“Invite an exemplary sister (preferably one who has married in the temple and has a family), who has been approved by priesthood advisers, to speak to the young women about the joy of being a woman. Ask her to relate some joys and challenges she has experienced, including some when she was the age of the young women in the class. She might tell about specific experiences and choices that helped her stay close to Heavenly Father and the blessings and joy that resulted. She should emphasize the joy of being a woman at every age. Suggest that she take about twenty minutes. Ask her to allow time for the young women to ask her questions and express their feelings.
“OR
“You may invite a grandmother, mother, and young married woman, who have been approved by priesthood advisers, to briefly express the joys of womanhood they are presently experiencing. You might suggest that they also mention joys they experienced when they were the age of the young women. Stress to each that she is allowed only five or six minutes. You might offer to time them and signal when their time is up.”

What I (the single, never married, young woman adviser) Heard-
Single women are not impressive. And we don’t want girls to think single women are role models. Oh and apparently a man is needed to determine what a good woman is, women can't figure that out for themselves.


This is copied, verbatim, from the Young Women Manual, Lesson 5: Finding Joy in Our Divine Potential. And it was the lesson taught this past Sunday to young women around the world. It even included a sub-heading “We Can Experience Joy at Every Stage of Life.” I’m just curious, did anyone remember to include the “stage” of being single? Did anyone explain to the young women how this stage is not the same as your college years? Didn’t anyone mention that while we hope and pray they get married, and have a family, that statistically speaking that for 50% of them “single” wouldn’t be a “stage” of life, it would be how she will spend her entire life?

No? No one. I’m not surprised.

Who Will Be My Role Model?
For the past few years I have used the following description in my professional writing biography, "Erin Ann is equal parts Mother Teresa, Anne Shirley and Carrie Bradshaw.” This description has been met by a few to great criticism. What was an LDS woman doing describing herself with a Catholic nun and as the fictional character from “Sex and the City?” Let me explain- they were single women I could relate to. Carrie Bradshaw was a single woman in her thirties, a writer, and looking for love. In that respect I had a lot in common with her. Of course if someone were to make a sitcom about my life it would probably have the less than tantalizing title "No Sex in the Suburbs.” I may not be Carrie Bradshaw in many respects, but I can definitely relate to her.

Singles Awareness Day (aka Valentine's Day)

"Valentine's Day is that time of year when married people pretend to be happy, and singles pretend they are not."

I have been blogging for about 7 years now. And apparently I have never once blogged about Valentine's Day before. I double checked today just to be sure. However, I did post this totally awesome picture of my brother once on a Feb 14.

Confession: I am 36 years old and I've never had a good Valentine's Day. In fact, I can only think of two times in history where I was in a committed relationship on V Day. Once was in college, and I was in more than just a committed relationship. I was actually engaged. I worked part-time in a florist that year. I spent days blowing up balloons, and tying them off till my poor little fingers were raw. Not to mention wrapping order after order of roses. I had high hopes that year for a good V Day present.
But oh no.
It was spectacularly bad. Monumentously bad.
First, my significant past other had a night class that day, and an exam. So he had conveniently forgotten about the big red candy heart holiday that was consuming campus.
Next, I sent him a teddy bear holding roses. (Forgive me, I was 19, worked in a florist, and was quite stupid.) The dorm delivery guy screwed up and delivered it to ME. My poor little expectations had gotten so high when the dorm director called and said there was a package downstairs for me. I ran down to get it, convinced it was going to be my engagement ring (we were one of THOSE BYU couples- engaged with no actual proposal or ring). And there was the stupid gift I had bought HIM! UGH! So I went back up to my dorm room, sick and exhausted. Oh yeah, on top of everything I had a massive sinus infection, and I had just worked a 12 hour day. All I wanted was my significant other to show up and wow me. Too much to ask? I think not.
I get back to my room and collapse with exhaustion. The phone rings. There's flowers at the front desk. Again I fly down the stairs to get them.
They're for my roommate. Who is out on a date with her boyfriend. The roses? Not from her boyfriend.
The scene repeats. I go upstairs, collapse, phone rings, I return down the stairs, and claim another dozen roses for her.
Its a darn good thing I loved my roommate. Otherwise, I would have hurled those flowers at her head when she came home.
Finally, 10 pm comes around. I'm pretty sure I hate both my roommate and my significant other. It doesn't matter because I'm dead asleep. That's when the Sig O calls and asks me to come out and see him.
He hands me a freaking broken sugar cookie that says "Be Mine" on it. And very nicely thanks me for the teddy bear and roses. And then says he wasn't taking his exam. He had fallen asleep in the library! Boy genius, that one.
He realizes I'm less than impressed. After all, I'm sick, exhausted, and he's just handed me a smooshed and broken sugar cookie. His suggestion to make it all better? Let's go make out. In fact, he's pretty certain that would solve everything.
I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.
Worst part? That wasn't my worst V Day ever.
I think the worst one ever goes to a different ex-boyfriend. We had been very seriously dating for several months. We broke up just a week or so before V-Day over some huge family things we just couldn't get resolved. (Namely, we wanted to get married, but his parents hated me for no known reason, other than I was alive.) I was depressed and miserable during the days we broke up.
My roommates at that time were awesome. I came home that day to find my roommates had built a fort in the living room (sheets, chairs, etc), and decorated it with candy hearts, feathers, and chocolates. We had a great girls night in our little fort, with them doing everything to cheer me up.
At 11 pm the ex-bf knocked on the door (scaring the beecheesus out of us). We hadn't seen or spoken to each other in weeks. But we sat down and had a good long talk.
We made up. My roommates conveniently disappeared, so I let him in our special girls only fort. And that's when he said the magic words.
But wait- you thought this was going to be my worst story ever, right? So how can getting back together with my bf on V-day be a bad thing? Oh just wait for it.
He told me he had wanted to get back together sooner, but he didn't want to have to get me a V-day present, so he waited as long as possible. He figured 11 pm got him out of having to buy me a present. There's nothing quite like being told he loves you, but not enough to spend 10 bucks!
I think we can all agree I dodged a bullet by not marrying either of those two gems. 
Personally, I have enjoyed the non-let-downs of all my single Valentine Days. There's nothing wrong with not getting your hopes up. There's nothing wrong with not expecting flowers to be delivered. There's nothing wrong with not caring at all about a holiday made up by Hallmark. There's nothing wrong with just being yourself, and not hanging your hopes on someone else.
Life is much easier and much better when you are in control over what makes you happy. Make your own happiness. Don't sit around waiting for someone else to make you happy.