Goodbye, Sweet Kathy

A dear friend, cheerleader, mentor, and supporter passed away today. She was a woman I barely knew, and yet she had a profound influence on many of the professional choices. There are so many things I could say about what a wonderful woman she was. But mostly, I just want to say that I wish I had told her and thanked her for her incredible influence. I never did tell her what an important role model she was to me. And now I never can. And there is a huge painful hole in my heart tonight as a result. 

Back in the Saddle Again

Aunt Nadine and Uncle Paul with most of their nieces, great-nieces, and a few great-great nieces that were at the funeral. Not even close to half of all the girls in our family. Aunt Nadine is our remaining living great aunt (out of 9, I think). 

This may be the longest I have ever gone without blogging- 9 whole days. 

Granted, they have been 9 very long, emotional, and often overwhelming days. 

You'll forgive me, won't you? 

My grandmother's funeral was quite lovely. It was wonderful and enjoyable to spend so much close time with my immediate and extended families. All but 4 of my first cousins were able to be there. I think that's the most that have all been together at once in close to 20 years, maybe longer. 

I'm back home at my own place now. My immediate family has all dispersed back to their own homes. I honestly have no idea what comes next career or life-wise. Stay? Go? Get another office job? Write full-time? Move? Return to Roanoke? Renew my lease? Get a roommate? 

There are a dozen questions, none of which are easy to answer, and few to no answers so far. 

I'm taking things one day at a time. And when the smoke clears and things are less overwhelming (I anticipate this may happen by Monday morning, but then again, maybe not), I'll start to formulate a plan. 

I'm feeling very loved and blessed these days. As complicated and overwhelming as things should be, I've been very much at peace. I'm scared about my future, don't get me wrong. But confident and faithful that things will work out. I just have no idea what the end picture will look like when it does all get worked out. 

Bear with me as we go through another major life transformation - again.

Bittersweet

My Grandparents' Wedding Picture

My heart... oh my little heart.
I don't even know where to begin.

My world has been turned upside down, shaken, stirred, and dumped on the ground for me to piece back together.

And I don't even know where to begin.

On Tuesday morning I learned my grandmother only had days to live, maybe hours. 
I got to work, feeling sad and overwhelmed, where, without any warning, clues, or inklings, I lost my job.
My grandmother passed away on Wednesday morning.

Streak back wildly four years...
To the day cold, sunny day in December in Utah. I thought my life was going well, and I was completely blindsided when I was laid off.
And my grandfather died just days later.

My grandfather was horribly sick. Cancer had robbed him of his health. His passing was a bittersweet blessing.

My grandmother was 90 years old, frail, and barely a shadow of the vibrant she used to be, robbed of her wit and personality by a stroke three years ago.

I hated my job. Let's make no mistake about that. Going to work every morning was a very painful chore. But I did it. And I was incredibly grateful for the work and paycheck. I worked hard and I tried hard to always be able to keep that paycheck coming. And there were no warnings this might happen. Not once.

I love my family. We're big. We're opinionated. We're hard workers. We prize intellect. We value beauty. We adore each other.

The days before a funeral are the worst. The tears, the sadness at the passing, the loneliness of loss.

My parents and siblings will begin to fly into town today and tomorrow. We'll say goodbye to my grandmother and lay her to rest on Saturday. As soon as we are all together, the sadness quickly turns to joy. We were blessed to have "Grammy" in our lives for so long. But we are so happy that she has escaped this mortal coil that has held her back these last few years. And once we are all together again, we can celebrate her.

But first there are these quiet and lonely days.

Compounded by my fears about the future and memories of the three years that followed this scenario last time.

What happens now? What next?

I have no idea.

Reflections on life-changing moments

There is a funny little misperception out there that I talk about people on this blog. I've had acquaintances or even close friends tell me, "I better not show up on your blog."
Go back and try to find even one post where I talked about someone (in the negative or even a unfair or humorous way) without their permission. You won't find one. I've never done that and I never will.
I want to make that clear before I continue. I would never speak ill of another person on my blog, especially if it gave away identifying information.
There have been key, life-changing moments in the past ten years that I did not share here because I did not want to say anything that may be construed as negative about another person.
Over the next few days, weeks, maybe months, I have decided to start sharing some of those key moments. This blog is, after all, nothing much more than my personal diary, and the parts of my life I have chosen to share. There has now been enough time and space between the original events and now that I feel I can share those experiences without hurting feelings, causing any drama, or even inadvertently "outing" another person's identity.
I chose in the past not to share these experiences as they happened because I knew other people might be able to put vague references and puzzle pieces together to identify the players. There are some past events that were hard and awful to go through, and my side of the story was never shared. But I am ready to do so now. This first experience is the only one where I think the person in question will be identifiable. I have not taken more pains to hide her identity because she has passed away.

Many moons ago I had a wonderful friend. She was, even at her best, a fair-weather friend. Some days we were thick as thieves, the next, she couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone.  Her hot-cold attitude drove me crazy. And if everything we did was not about her, she was going to make me miserable for "forcing" her to do something else.

When she and I first met I was immediately turned off by her snotty, snobby, superior attitude. She had once read the expression, "turned up her nose," in a book. She took it literally. I have very clear memories of her literally "turning up her nose," and walking around with her head tipped back, her chin sticking out, and her nose pointed to the ceiling. She would purse her lips and walk with her hands clasped at her chest when she did it. It was comical. She would tell me eventually that she was "being haughty." We were only about 15 I think and I didn't know what "haughty" meant- at least not the way she pronounced it- "hofty." I had to ask her to clarify it for me, and she laughed and laughed in one of the most snobby, condescending tones I have ever heard. (And it was a laugh I would hear often over our friendship.)

I remember that moment exactly- her high-pitched, fake, laugh. We were in her bedroom. She was an only child (sort of- there were half and step-siblings who did not live there), and somehow had connived her way into the master bedroom. Her parents slept in a different room. She had a queen-sized canopy bed and a chaise lounge. She loved to tell me to sit on the "chayzzzzzz." I didn't mind doing so. It was comfortable.
Even after her definition of "hofty" I was still confused. How had I never heard of this word before and she had? She was behind me in school and English was my one good subject. I noticed a dictionary on her desk and picked it up. I asked her to spell "hofty." She condescended and spelled it out slowly, letter by letter. By the time she finished spelling it out, I knew the word and the meaning. I didn't need the dictionary. But before I could put it down, she snatched it from me, intending to mock my stupidity further.
I tried to correct her- not to put her down and make myself out to be the smarter one, but because if you are going to walk around with your nose turned up "haughtily," and tell people so, you better know how to pronounce it.
She was so mad that I would dare correct her (which I only barely did), that she threw the dictionary (a big, blue, hardback) across the room and broke something.
It was the only time I have ever seen someone do that in real life. Sure, I have seen it on television or movies plenty of times. It sounds and looks dramatic. I have no doubt it was a move she had learned in a book or a movie. I remember thinking at the time that she had no idea how to be authentic. Everything she did was calculated, rehearsed, and gleaned from pop culture. I wondered how long it would be before she would act normally with me.
After the book throwing incident I went home. I told my parents I didn't want to go back. They had set me up with her in a way and encouraged me to try again. She had had a rough life and needed some friends (she was new in town).

2 Funerals, 1 Wedding, Easter, and Lots of Babies

Last night my cousin K-A and I went out for a little girl talk and cousin time. We had many things to catch up on, including lots of major family events coming up soon. Our great aunt passed away last week, and her funeral will be next weekend. This will not be a sad funeral, but a happy one. She was quite old and ill, and missed her husband who passed away many years ago. Our conversation turned to laughter as we talked about everything and anything (which is how our great aunt would want it). Eventually she said, "Is it bad that I look forward to funerals because they always turn into fun family reunions?"
The more I think about it, the more I realize she is right. While I hate funerals, and I do truly hate them, (I have been to way too many of them), I can't help but agree with her. Sometimes the "not sad" funerals really are just wonderful days. I love getting to see all of my cousins at an event where we are all just there to love and support each other.
But before my aunt's funeral I will also attend my friend's funeral. And while I will try to be happy she isn't sick anymore, it will be a sad funeral. My heart is just completely broken for her. This will be the third (and fourth) funeral I will attend at Easter time. Several years ago one of my best friends died on Easter morning. I admittedly have not been a big fan of the holiday ever since. It just brings up too many emotions for me.
This whole month will be full of emotional life events- funerals, births, and a wedding. That's a lot of conflicting emotions to process at the same time! There's a loud voice in my head saying, "Yes, but it is also Easter, and the peace that comes from the Gospel. Let that be the overriding emotion!" And I want it to. I will try very hard to let that be the focus- my knowledge of the gift of the Resurrection, knowledge of the Gospel, Atonement, and the blessings that come from knowing and accepting that I am a Child of God.

So Long My Friend

A friend of mine passed away today.
I'm not really sure where to begin. My heart and head are full of so many emotions right now. I feel like a terrible friend. I didn't know she was even sick. I hadn't paid enough attention to her Facebook posts in a long time. I only found out she was sick a few hours before she passed away because of someone else's Facebook status.
When I had originally logged in to Facebook it was to post a whiny rant about a medical issue I have been dealing with. I'm sick and tired of my situation, and am ready to go public with it, in hopes that maybe someone out there will have some clues or leads for me. But just as I was about to post it I saw my other friend's status about our ailing mutual friend. I never did post my own status and immediately began to think about my sick friend.
Learning how sick she was suddenly put my own problems into perspective. (her liver was very sick, and she did not qualify for a transplant. She thought she had up to 2 years to live, but within days of the diagnosis she took a turn for the worst. She went into the hospital on Monday, and passed away on Wednesday.)
Yes, I have a significant medical problem. Yes, I still need to see a specialist. But no matter how bad we think we have it, there is someone else out there who will have it worse. Tonight my heart goes out to the teenage daughter she left behind, and all the friends that will miss her. I can think of dozens of times she was a listening ear and confidante for me. And I can think of dozens of times I wasn't a good enough friend for her.
But I also have dozens of happy memories tucked in my heart I can pull out and remember tonight. I had a conversation with her in my heart tonight. I want to make it to her funeral very much. I owe her that. She was a very social person, and I know how much it would mean to her to have tons of friends at her funeral. And I want to think that when she looks down from Heaven on her funeral that she will see a room full of love all for her. I don't have details yet on when or where the service will be. But I do know that if it is very soon I will have difficulty making the arrangements to travel with my family visiting, finances, etc. And I had that conversation with her in my heart, and I could loudly hear what she would say to me about what my priorities should be. And I could hear her loudly telling me to stop being stupid and get my medical situation checked up on, and to stop wasting my time.
She was always a great cheerleader for me. The kind of friend that even when I wasn't the best kind of friend to her, she remained loyal and loving to me.
So long my dear sweet Serena. I will miss you. And I will see you again. But until then I will find it in my heart to be grateful that you have escaped the limitations of your mortal body. And I promise to help make sure your children are okay. I know you would do the same for me.