Accepting criticism as a chance to improve

I don't blog as much as I used to for myriad reasons. One of the most important reasons is just having learned from lessons of the past, and how expressing personal feelings about events in my own life can upset people. Or invites unwelcome feedback from people who make my feelings and thoughts about them.

But tonight I'm feeling alone with few (no?) people to talk to about some of the problems in life. So rather than talk to no one, I'll talk to everyone in the anonymous internet. (Hopefully I won't be repeating mistakes of the past.) (Ha ha.) (That was deep, sad, sarcasm.)

But let's start with some disclaimers. This isn't about you. This is about me. This is not any one person, problem, or event. It's a huge conglomeration or confluence of ALL THE THINGS!

Seriously, if it wasn't so painful or hard to deal with so many things at once, I'd laugh at how so many things could be happening at once.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's jump to the lesson learned and then back it up. Or something like that.

A few weeks ago, an old friend posted a beautiful picture of her ballerina daughter getting a private lesson. (or something to that extent) She commented how her daughter said how she liked to get feedback or pointers from the teacher "because how else could she improve?" I was just floored by this statement from such a young kid.

I've never been great at taking criticism. But ever since reading her comment I've been trying to take it to heart. If I don't get feedback how will I ever improve? This young girl just amazed me at her outlook! I could learn a lot from her.

If you believe that all things happen for a reason, you'll find it easy to believe that I needed to hear and digest and internalize that idea before the last few weeks hit me.

Because, wow. I have had lots of opportunities to apply this lately!

We're talking criticism feedback coming at me from all sides. You name it, I'm getting it. Work, church, personal life, writing life, volunteer life.

Old me would have given up and hidden under a rock by now, or lashed out and given everyone a dose of their own medicine.

But I haven't. I'm learning. I'm trying so hard to just get through, accept, and take it all as a chance to improve.

But it's not easy. Especially when it doesn't let up. I feel like I'm caught under Niagara Falls, getting beat on the rocks with criticism feedback.

I need a break. I need some personal improvement time. I'm writing this all out so I can get some of my emotions out before diving back in to handle the most recent problem. Mostly, I just feel like a huge failure in nearly every possible aspect of my life right now. (Writing is actually going pretty well. More on that some other time.)

I want to be a Millennial and beg a for a safe space around me. "Please only speak kind words in this area."

Sigh. Yeesh. And sigh again.

So tell me, Oh Anonymous Internet World, when you feel beat up, criticized, overwhelmed, let down, frustrated, and disappointed, what do you do? How do you personally handle it? I'm looking for a new way to handle everything, and not be me anymore.

You can always be the kindest person in the room

Tonight my heart is broken, but not for me. When my friends and loved ones are hurting, I hurt. I am not a therapist or counselor. But through the different roles that I play and hats that I wear in my life, I see first-hand many of the problems in my community, and in the lives of my loved ones. Throughout my life people have often come to me with their problems and heart aches. And I hurt when I cannot fix each of their problems. In recent days and weeks, my heart has been overloaded with the trials and burdens of others. And as I have heard and witnessed their problems, I have repeatedly seen the same problem over and over. I want to take a minute to share what I know would heal so many broken hearts and solve so many problems. Tearing down another person will never make you a better person. Hurting them out of spite, jealousy, or resentment, will never solve your problems or make you happy. It will only make your discontent worse. There is never a reason to criticize or belittle a friend, family member, or loved one. Or for that matter, even just an acquaintance. It solves nothing, and only causes pain to both you and the other person. Be civil and show respect, even when you disagree. (Especially during a political season.) If there is someone out there that would do anything for you, ask yourself if you have made the sacrifice or effort to do anything for them. Have you gone the extra mile to show kindness or help another person? When was the last time you showed a true kindness to someone who asked for help? You don’t have to be the smartest, wittiest, prettiest, richest, fastest, strongest, coolest, or even the most interesting person in the room. But you can always be the kindest person in the room. You don’t have to be the best. You don’t have to be hurtful or critical. We’ve all heard the message by now that everyone is going through something. It’s nearly a cliché by now, and yet there is still so much truth to it. But the thought I want to leave with you tonight is simply this – are you causing the something that someone else is going through? Be kind. Put yourself aside and go the extra miles to help and serve a friend. Show love even when it’s hard to do. And never put other people down.  I know I could have shared these thoughts directly with the offending parties. And it may be possible that this was directed right at you. My thoughts are directed at more than a few specific people, but really, isn’t it a lesson we all need to remember from time to time?

Praying for the One: You

God gives all of His children equal opportunities for happiness through the Atonement. He is our Heavenly Father, and like all fathers, He doesnt love one child more than another. Of this, there is no argument. He wants us to be happy.

And yet, we forget this easy to accept principle when it comes to seeking an eternal companion. We make it into something difficult and complicated. Many of us allow the idea to creep into our minds that there must be a “saved,” certain, special someone out there for us. We believe that there are trials and tribulations to be endured so that we can meet the One.

Have we made the “search” for love that much harder on ourselves by creating and building up this idea that there is only one person who can make us eternally happy? (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes.)

A friend of mine made a very insightful and interesting comment regarding the search for an eternal companion. “Its hard to believe or understand that a loving Father who answers when I pray that I have enough gas in the car to make it to payday, or protects me when my car breaks down, doesnt have an opinion on who I marry.”

I sat and thought upon that idea for a while. Shes right. It does seem hard to fathom that the God who helps me with something as trivial as finding missing car keys, doesnt have a stake in my potential mate.

But then it hit me.

My roommate is wrong. And so was I.

Theres a very huge difference in having the faith that the Lord will help me find the missing keys, or will get my jalopy home, and saying He has an opinion or an interest in me finding the car keys. When I find those keys, it is because I had the faith to be led to find them. Its an answer to a prayer. And while the scriptures are very in-depth, detailed, and written to be applied in all time periods, Ive yet to find a verse that says, “look under the couch.”

But in comparison, there are dozens of scriptures, both ancient and modern-day, that tell us where to marry, how to marry, and who to marry. They just leave out the specific name of the person, and what day and where to meet him. But thats okay. Thats where faith comes in.

Consider this advice from Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist. It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make” (in Conference Report, Sept.Oct. 1955, 13).

Men Are That They Might Have Joy?

It's time to pull out the same picture I use over and over again when my heart is in emotional turmoil. 

My stormy seas picture gets used every time I'm faced with complications, confusion, and heartbreak. 

The picture of the skydiver - 

- is what I use when I've made a decision, and I'm jumping into the unknown. 

But the stormy seas picture is for when I don't know what to do, or when I'm not ready to accept my options. And today it's all about the stormy seas. 

This scripture has been on my mind a lot lately. 

 2 Nephi 2:25, 27 

Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

"Men are that they might have joy." 

I struggle with this. I wish that I didn't. I hate that I struggle with it. I envy people who believe that everything around them is always good. I get annoyed by people who use this scripture to justify narcissistic or selfish behavior and choices. 

Over the past several years, particularly through my long stints and trials of unemployment, it has been very hard to believe that I am that I "might have joy." It all too often feels like my entire life is designed to be a punishment or to really define where my breaking point is. 

Today was another roller coaster of emotions for me. Things I firmly believed and accepted to be true, and that I am supposed to have joy, were nearly impossible to accept at the end of the day. In one moment I could believe that answers to prayers were found, and I was about to say goodbye to some of my biggest struggles. And then in the next moment, in just the course of a simple conversation with a friend, I learned nearly be accident, that I was completely wrong about my answers. 

In a few more weeks I will have to accept that someone else's selfish actions will profoundly change my life. (To be more honest, I've already accepted that those actions will have a negative impact on me. But in a few weeks, I will have to make the necessary changes to my life as a result of those actions.) Accepting that I have to take an option that I don't want, I don't like, and will make me profoundly unhappy, is what makes it so hard to accept "men are that they might have joy."

I know we each struggle with our own issues of faith. But this one is mine. I struggle to believe and accept that we are supposed to have joy, when my life has turned out so very far off from what I wanted. I have found joy in the life that I have. But I have had more "trials" than happiness in the last 7 years. Where is the joy? Where is the end of the struggles? Where is the path that leads to my joy? 

I have no answers. I have no neat and tidy way to wrap this up. All I can say is that I guess my hope is tied up in believing that this scripture is true. That men are that they might have joy. I do believe it. And as such, I will continue to have the faith that my situation will improve. Things will change and get better. I will find joy. Somewhere, somehow. 

Roller Coaster Emotions

It was a roller coaster of a day - again.
There was good news and there was bad news and then there was more good news. Followed by, you guessed it, more bad news.
It's hard to not feel emotionally unstable when your day is whipped back and forth like that.
Ultimately it was all just news I had to accept and roll with. Nothing I could do about the good or the bad but just take it.
It didn't help that I decided on Saturday afternoon to go off caffeine and sodas. That lasted pretty well for about 48 hours. But somewhere around the third round of bad (and annoying) news, I said to hell with it, and got a Dr Pepper, curly fries, and a big fat Reuben sandwich. So much for my juice cleanse. And let me make it clear, I do not regret my choices. As BFF Juli put it, we should just all be glad I wasn't knocking over a liquor store right about that point.
That many emotions forced on a girl in one day is just not healthy!
There are many great things going on around me (friends getting dream jobs, friends getting married). I am so happy for these blessed events. But it makes the downhill slide of these roller coaster days that much farther to fall. Because on the other end of the ride, unemployment sucks, loneliness sucks, and friends dying really sucks.
Some days it feels like so much is happening around me that I'm forgetting about really huge events. (For instance, a baby being born! There was so much going on that I completely forgot a friend had a baby. And I really was truly happy for my friend and the baby.) I feel like I need to start making lists to remind myself of all the things going on around me so I don't let important things slip by. Because believe me, if I can forget a baby being born, I can forget much bigger things too.
I'm so grateful for my many blessings, and for all the highs on this roller coaster of life right now. It's much harder to be grateful for the lows. And I'm trying to be grateful for the highs that offset the lows. Or at least, I'm trying to see it that way.
But I really wouldn't mind it if there was just a nice long series of highs for a while. That would be very welcome right about now. 

I miss July already.

August always depresses me. The weather is erratic and oppressive, schedules are unpredictable, the humidity will try to kill you, and you know that at the end of the month, summer is gone, and another long, boring, cold winter is right around the corner, and all the beautiful green things are about to die.
August, you are not my friend.
July was a great month. I spent very little of it at home. I was in Europe for the bulk of it obviously, and then I spent the last 10 days in Roanoke with my nephews. But now I'm back home, facing reality in my little apartment.
Reality is confusing to me these days. I don't have a full picture on what it looks like right now. I'm very busy, but unemployed. I'm writing up a storm, and getting lots of publications, but the money just isn't coming in. I'm tour-sick and missing my tour friends who all live on the other side of the country. And yet, very happy to be home and ready to catch up with my friends that I haven't seen all month.
My mother has been getting into this new fad called "dressing your truth." I'm not too into it, because most of it seems sort of commonsense to me. But I can see how maybe it isn't that way for everyone. We've talked a lot lately about which colors, styles, and haircuts are "your truth." (And ultimately decided I already dress and style "my truth." Go me.)
But now that I'm back home and in my own little apartment, I'm thinking about whether or not my apartment reflects my "truth." I think I mentioned it last year sometime that when I moved here I had to make the sad decision to let my storage unit go. In other words, I lost all my belongings that were in it. It wasn't cost effective to fly cross country to save anything from it.
I had spent several years building up little collection and reflections of me. I had lovingly restored most of my own furniture, and took great pride in several of the pieces. My decorations were unique and unusual, vibrant, colorful, and a great reflection of the things I love and enjoy. (I had an awesome vintage movie poster collection as well as several really cool Broadway record albums.)
The most heartbreaking loss was my book collection. I had around 100 books in storage, all of which I had read and loved.
But that's all gone now.
And I'm rebuilding, slowly but surely. It's not quite the same when you live with a roommate. And it's not easy to do whilst unemployed (again).
It's giving me a lot of time to really think about what matters to me, and what I want my home to say about me. I don't like or want trendy, typical furniture, but you wouldn't know that by looking at my current home. I do like statement pieces that show or share something I love. (I have a great big picture of the DC cherry blossoms in the living room right now. And my bedroom is decorated in maps.)
And so I sit and wonder about who I really am, and have I crafted a world around me that really reflects that? Or are my surroundings simply the result of circumstances? 

Bittersweet

My Grandparents' Wedding Picture

My heart... oh my little heart.
I don't even know where to begin.

My world has been turned upside down, shaken, stirred, and dumped on the ground for me to piece back together.

And I don't even know where to begin.

On Tuesday morning I learned my grandmother only had days to live, maybe hours. 
I got to work, feeling sad and overwhelmed, where, without any warning, clues, or inklings, I lost my job.
My grandmother passed away on Wednesday morning.

Streak back wildly four years...
To the day cold, sunny day in December in Utah. I thought my life was going well, and I was completely blindsided when I was laid off.
And my grandfather died just days later.

My grandfather was horribly sick. Cancer had robbed him of his health. His passing was a bittersweet blessing.

My grandmother was 90 years old, frail, and barely a shadow of the vibrant she used to be, robbed of her wit and personality by a stroke three years ago.

I hated my job. Let's make no mistake about that. Going to work every morning was a very painful chore. But I did it. And I was incredibly grateful for the work and paycheck. I worked hard and I tried hard to always be able to keep that paycheck coming. And there were no warnings this might happen. Not once.

I love my family. We're big. We're opinionated. We're hard workers. We prize intellect. We value beauty. We adore each other.

The days before a funeral are the worst. The tears, the sadness at the passing, the loneliness of loss.

My parents and siblings will begin to fly into town today and tomorrow. We'll say goodbye to my grandmother and lay her to rest on Saturday. As soon as we are all together, the sadness quickly turns to joy. We were blessed to have "Grammy" in our lives for so long. But we are so happy that she has escaped this mortal coil that has held her back these last few years. And once we are all together again, we can celebrate her.

But first there are these quiet and lonely days.

Compounded by my fears about the future and memories of the three years that followed this scenario last time.

What happens now? What next?

I have no idea.

Letting Go

Over the weekend I had to make the decision to let go of my past. It wasn't easy.
It may sound obvious, simple, and straightforward to some, but it wasn't for me.
All of my earthly belongings have been in a storage unit in another state for the past 3 years. I've put a lot of money into holding on to that unit. I always intended to go back and get my stuff when the time was right.
But now that the time is right, it was apparent that it wasn't cost-effective to go back for my stuff.
But you see, it wasn't just stuff.
It was all of the things that I had worked hard to procure and collect. It wasn't yard sale stuff or hand-me-downs. It was the physical evidence of the life I had built for myself. It was the evidence that I was once a competent, functioning, productive adult who had her own home, and pretty things.
There have been many nights over the past few years where I would close my eyes and mentally walk through my old home and remember all the little details. The antique lamp on the end table I refinished. The dresser I bought for $10, painted, restored, and put new handles on. The red striped drapes. My framed pictures. The little plaque in French I hung over my bed- what did it say? I can't remember anymore. The kitchen table I saved up for months to buy. The under the sea bathroom decor.
The time had come to fish or cut bait. Pay another $300 on the unit? Or just walk away, and let them auction it off. I tried to come up with an alternative plan (give everything to a friend who lives a few hours away) (if you are said friend, I owe you a much better explanation and apology). But that didn't work out.
Did I want to spend more money to hold on to this stuff I would likely never get to retrieve? I've held on this long. Was I ready to let go?
I won't pretend the decision was easy. In fact, there were a lot of tears over it. Never see my book collection again? (Nothing defines a girl like her book collection!) My antiques? All of my classic, vintage movie posters?
It wasn't just the "stuff." It was admitting that I'm not picking up my life where I left off 3 years ago. And that I have no choice but to start over from scratch now.
I like my job, and I am getting settled into my new life here. But... the move hasn't been completely without its difficulties. Although I have returned to my hometown, I'm still starting over again as the new girl. I have a few friends here already, but they are deeply rooted in their own lives and patterns. I'm a disruption, looking for a place to fit in.
Letting go of my stuff meant letting go of what left of my hopes that I would "be me again."
It meant I had to accept that I am building a new me. Growing, changing, and starting a new life. Not resuming my life where it was rudely cut off so long ago.
(It was all made that much more emotional and complicated by seeing my friends and family from Roanoke over the weekend. I am happy here, but it broke my heart to see everyone and not get to go home with them.)
But I did it. I let the storage unit go. Some storage auction hunter got some good stuff this weekend.
Sigh.
Deep breath.
Let it go.
Look forward, not back.
And accept that I have no choice but to buy a new vacuum cleaner now. My new life is going to be rather stinky and covered in dog hair if I don't do it soon.
So do I get this one?

Or this one?

There is a $70 price difference for pretty comparable "pet hair" vacuums.
Anyone have a vacuum they recommend for less than $150? 
And preferably one that won't remind me of my old life and make me unreasonably emotion when I look at it?
(just kidding. i actually like vacuuming.)

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It's cloud illusions I recall

Today was just one of those days.
The kind that comes after 3.5 years of unemployment, and the accruing disappointments and setbacks that often pass with nothing more than a shrug, just hit you and knock you out for a while.
All it was was another rejection letter. Yet another company turning me down without really giving me a chance. It was a job I was perfectly qualified for, and really, really fit my personal hopes and needs. I had really hoped something would materialize with this job. But all I got was the standard rejection letter instead.
It was the tipping point.
I've spent the day sad and depressed. There were a lot of tears shed.
It wasn't just about the job that didn't happen. It was everything. Just the accumulation of disappointments over the past few years.
And the lack of control I have over the situation.
This article in the Wall Street Journal describes my situation perfectly, "Some Unemployed Keep Losing Ground."  (I believe the article is behind a paywall. Sorry.)
This is the part that really hit home-
"... there are signs the job market is splitting into two. Close to 25% of the short-term unemployed—those out of work for six months or less—find jobs each month, a figure that has shown steady improvement since the recession, though it remains below its long-term average of 30%.
The nation's 4.4 million long-term unemployed haven't seen similar gains. Only about 10% of them find jobs each month, a number that has hardly budged in the past two years."

"...long-term job seekers are twice as likely to leave the labor market as to find jobs, and many experts worry that many of them will never return to work. That could create a class of permanently unemployed workers and leave lasting scars on the economy.
"Once people reach a point where they no longer consider themselves employable…it is very difficult to pull them back," said Joe Carbone, president of WorkPlace, a Connecticut workforce-development agency that has developed a program targeting the long-term unemployed. "We are losing thousands of people a day. This is like an epidemic.""
I'm starting to wonder, no, strike that, I've worried for a long time, that finding a job is nothing more than a numbers game. It's just playing the odds, a gamble really. It has little to do with actually being qualified for the job. (The job I got rejected from today I was slightly overqualified for.)
But the longer the game goes on, the more the odds work against you.
I've been looking at my friends and former colleagues who are or were long-term unemployed. How did they finally get jobs? Who can I learn from?
And I realized only one friend has found a job. And (she readily admits this) she only got a job after 2 years unemployed because a cousin created a job at his company for her.
I can't think of one other long-term unemployed friend who has found work. Or at least not work in his/her field. Several are like me and have resorted to accepting a life of underemployment in a store or mall, and not in the professional field they were educated in.
It's hard accepting the underemployment. You know it means taking two steps forward and one step back. It's a paycheck, and you need it, but it makes it that much harder to get a "real" job.
I wish companies were not so biased against the long-term unemployed. They are wrong to be so biased, assuming we've lost skills, or there is something wrong with us. We're the survivors. If anything what we have done is more impressive. The underemployed have proven we are hard workers that will get the job done. We'll do what we have to do. We're not going to sit around and waste company resources and collect a paycheck. We're going to work our butts off and make ourselves the most valuable asset the company has so that no matter what, we never see ourselves on the pink slip list again.
If a company really wants to hire the best person for the job, they should look to the long-term unemployed and underemployed. No one else could ever be as grateful for a job as someone who has endured long-term unemployment. You want a long-term, faithful employee? Hire the long-term unemployed, and not the guy just looking to move up the ladder. He just wants a paycheck. Some of us want (and deserve) a lot more.


Hey You! Check out my new novels, "You Heard It Here First" and the sequel "This Just In!"

A Bittersweet Day- Not Anything Like a Dragonfruit

Today was a bittersweet day.

First, I had a phone job interview. The job sounded absolutely fascinating. I felt like the interview went really well. And then there was the kicker- it's a Christian organization, and the employee must support their cause.
I absolutely do support their cause. In fact, I'd love to be their biggest champion. I am behind what they want to achieve 100%!
But- that doesn't mean they want me- and they don't. No, this "Christian organization" defines Christians by the Apostles Creed or Nicean Creed, and therefore, doesn't allow Mormons (or Jehovah's Witnesses, Adventists, and a few others).
So in spite of the fact that I love their cause and am a great candidate for the work, they have already ruled me out.
The Bitter: Didn't get the job (or even considered)
The Sweet: A good interview, and the assurance that comes from forthrightly standing up for what you believe.


Second-
Speaking of job interviews, a few weeks ago I had a great one. I really liked the person I interviewed with. I felt like there was a great connection, and I hoped for the best for that particular job. I've been crossing my fingers, hoping for a response from them this week.
They finally called today. Normally this is a good thing, but not today. Well, not completely anyway. The interviewer herself called me back. She explained that they had decided to go another direction, but that she wanted me to know that she really did like me, and hoped I would apply for other positions within her company in the future. And hoped that we could keep in touch in the future.
The Bitter: Not getting the job (obviously)
The Sweet: I didn't read the person entirely wrong. Dating and job hunting  have a lot in common in this respect - it's just nice to know you didn't get it completely wrong.


Third-
I found a dragonfruit at the grocery store. I ate these things every single freaking day in Cambodia. I LOVED them. They were so good! (See picture above- and below.) I have craved one of these suckers every day since I left the country. (Fun sidenote: I'm not a sign seeker, but if I was, I'd take this as a good sign. I applied for a really cool job in Cambodia yesterday. It's a serious long shot, but it would be a huge dream come true for me!)
The Bitter: It was rotten.
The Sweet: I did manage to get one or two good bites out of it.

This was mushy and grayish on the inside. It should be crispy, and a little watery (like an apple), and bright white (plus the seeds). This was just yucky. $9 of yucky.

I've tried so very hard.

That old familiar, annoying, and frustrating, feeling of depression is creeping back into my life. 

I've been trying for so long and working so hard to move on with my life. Trying so very hard...

But these HUGE things that I want to change and improve in my world I only have so much control over. 

I've applied to over 140 jobs. ONE HUNDRED FORTY!!!

I've looked at a dozen places to live. 

I've networked. 

I've worked hard. 

I've published.

I've waited. And waited.

I've tried. 

I've tried so very hard. 

So very very hard. 

But I can't make these things happen. I can't make someone see me in the pile of resumes. 

It's not unlike that feeling of being "too" single. 

Of wanting to be dating, wanting to be married, wanting to be in love. 

But no matter how hard you try and how much you want it, you just never find The One. 

Or s/he never falls in love with you. 

You just want to move on, and have that life, but you can't control it. You can't make it happen. 

It's also not unlike writing a book and self-publishing, and wondering why no one buys or reads it. 

I tried. 

I tried hard. 

I've tried so very hard. 

Is this ever going to end?  

I've been patient for 3 years. 

I've tried so very hard for 3 years. 

How much more? 

I just can't take it much more.

Wait for it, wait for it...

REJECTION

One word, three simple syllables. 

REJECTION

Today I am bracing for it. 

Monday

The day I am expecting it. 

REJECTION

Tomorrow, Monday, I have multiple opportunities for rejection. 

A less pragmatic person, or an overly optimistic person, might say that tomorrow I have multiple opportunities for success. 

But I'm a little more pragmatic than that. I know I have multiple chances for success, but realistically, all of these opportunities will not pan out. And that is just fine with me. I don't need to win in every area. I'm okay with that. But it sure would be nice to have at least one win tomorrow. 

Ways I could win or lose tomorrow--

I find out if I am a finalist in a national contest (of all the things I may lose out, I'm okay losing this one. It has little to do with my personal merits and skills. If I'm going to lose, I'd rather lose at a lottery, and not because my efforts were not good enough.)

My second novel*, "This Just In," the sequel to "You Heard It Here First," goes up for sale! There's nothing quite like putting your heart and soul into something and then sitting back to see if anyone likes it or buys it.

I've interviewed for a few jobs and I'm sitting by the phone, hoping it will ring!

And I've written multiple articles over the past week and submitted them for publication in various places. I'm crossing my fingers some of them will get accepted. 

There's no telling if I will hear back for certain on any  of these opportunities tomorrow (except the contest, that one is set in stone). I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse not knowing. So if you see me walking around in a clown suit, pulling my hair out by the handful, be kind, and give me a Dr Pepper and point me in the direction of home. I'm about to go crazy with all of the uncertainty.

*I'll tell you a little secret. This Just In! Part One is actually already up on Kindle for 99 cents. But I haven't received the artwork yet. As soon as I get the cover image posted to Kindle the price will go up to $1.99. So if you hurry, and you don't care if you have a pretty picture on your Kindle, you can buy it now.

Hitting the Wall Face First

This is a pretty good visual for how I've been feeling lately. Whether I'm the guy doing the smooshing, or getting smooshed, I'm not sure. Either way, it isn't a pleasant experience.

Remember the main scenario/problem going on in The Agency,? Well, it is happening to me again. Not the whole wicked witch problem, but the paycheck problem. Again, it isn't a pleasant experience.

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I want to kick rocks. I want the problem to go away! And I really want it to stop happening to me!!

The scene that keeps replaying through my mind is from "You've Got Mail," talking about the line from the "Godfather."




Maybe it isn't personal to the person on the other end of this, but it sure is personal to me.

There's more than just work and the ability to support myself going on. For a few weeks there it felt like life was finally just rolling along just the way I always wanted it to- love life? check! published book? check! employment? check! anxiously engaged in good causes? check! I felt good! I felt great! I actually had what I wanted- for a few weeks.

And I'm not saying those things are all gone. I'm just saying that they aren't as bright and shiny as they were for those few weeks in the summer sun. I'm trying so hard to remind myself that all it would take is just one of those scenarios shifting back into the check box, and I'd be happy again. I hate it when circumstances affect my attitude. But these aren't normal circumstances, are they?

But I'm trying to snap out of the mood. I'm trying to get back to happy. I'm applying for jobs. I'm smiling. I'm trying not to complain. So bear with me. I've got some work to do before I feel right again.

Take a Deep Breath and Carry On

Every once in a while I get hit with a sneak attack of loneliness. Not the kind of loneliness where I live alone and have no friends. But the kind of loneliness that says I'm destined to be alone forever, never fall in love again, and die an old maid. I hate that feeling.
It wasn't my favorite weekend ever. As always, I've tried to stay positive, focus on my blessings and what I have to be grateful for. But my hours at work got cut significantly- down to less than 10 hours! And next week isn't looking any better. While I'm grateful to be making some money, this is barely enough to survive on, let alone thrive on. Forget buying Christmas presents. I'll be lucky to have enough money to buy gas just to get to work!
All that aside, I just felt alone. It really doesn't hit me too often. But it hit me full force this weekend. Just that empty, dead feeling of "what's the point in even trying?" Sometimes it hits when you look around and don't like your options. But since moving here it is less not liking my options, and more not having any options at all. The lack of other singles my age to do things with. The lack of ability to travel to other towns to meet other people. (Read: worked 7 hrs at minimum wage last week. That doesn't even pay to fill up my economically friendly car!) Living alone where I can go for days without talking to another human in person. Feeling like I am losing my social skills. Just feeling like the leftover loser that never got picked for the team. That kind of awful loneliness that leads to actually thinking about ex-boyfriends in a longing way. And that is a very dangerous road to go down!

This feeling is easier to overcome when there are good things happening in the rest of my life. When I can say it is all okay, because the Lord has other things in store for me. I was meant to do something else first. But when it feels like my whole life is a waste? It is really hard to find the positive, big picture side of things.

The stuff dreams are made of

My old living room, before I repainted the wood furniture and added an area rug.

There are days where I miss my old life so much it hurts. I just close my eyes and walk through my old house, room by room, and step by step, and look at everything all over again. I worked so hard to make that house my own and get every detail just right. I miss it so much.
My stuff has been in storage for nearly 18 months now. I never thought it would be so long before I would be reunited with my furniture. Every once in a while I think of a pair of very trendy boots that must have been left in storage. (I can't find them here, which makes no sense, because I don't know why I would have put them in storage.) I only got to wear my cute boots once before putting them in storage. They are so overly trendy that I wonder if they will be completely out of style and ridiculous by the time I get them back someday?
I know I won't be unemployed and living in Roanoke forever. Today I realized that I have very few happy memories of Roanoke. Not because good things haven't happened here, but because ever since I arrived I have been trying to leave. I haven't put down any roots, or made many connections. I'm just always trying to stay uncommitted and free, because you never know when I'll finally get a job and leave again.
Today was a simple and easy day. My shift at the mall got cut at the last minute. So I came home and worked on my Swing State Voter blog, and knitted some hats while watching movies. I know someday I'll have a full-time job again and dream of the day where I can just sit on my bed and watch Netflix and knit for charity all day. I try to enjoy what I have and be grateful for these opportunities.
But it is nice to escape back to my old life in my memories once in a while. It is nice to remember that I was once a respected professional, who published articles in her field, lived in a big pretty house, and had nice things. I even had trendy boots and bought trivial things like matching coasters for my kitchen table. I vaguely recall that girl, but it has been so long since I have seen her she feels like a figment of my imagination now. But it is nice to visit her in my memories on occasion. 

Strong is the only choice you have

I was about to sit down and write about depression and frustrations- something I am all too familiar with right now. I went over to Pinterest (yes, I am addicted) to find a picture or quote about frustrations and depression, and saw this one instead. And there was my answer.
Today, instead of giving in to tears, frustration, anger, and depression like I so very badly want to, I will be strong. Because the other options aren't going to solve my problems now are they?
Today I will focus on writing, applying for jobs, and looking for answers. And then tonight I will crank up some music and have my own little dance party. You can come join me if you want to. The cost of admission is a hug and some chocolate. Please bring copious amounts of both!

My first real meltdown

I can't pretend that everything is okay today. In fact, most things are not okay. Most days I can count my blessings and be grateful for all that I do have, when I am so very close to having nothing. I've been unemployed for the better part of 2 years now. Things aren't getting any easier here.
You probably haven't noticed, but I've taken down all references to the Peace Corps off of my blog. I did this mostly out of anger the day I found out that the PC is delaying me again (for close to a year), and that they didn't like me saying on my blog that I am looking for a job (and not holding my breath for them- apparently now they can't trust me to pick them over a job), and just a few hours I got rejected for a job I interviewed for. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Several months ago I made a choice to stop putting myself through the emotional hell of job hunting. I had my unemployment coverage and I was attempting to make money through contract work. I was passively looking for the perfect job, but not actively job-hunting. Since then everything has changed. The PC has delayed me again, my unemployment benefits have run out, and the contract work has slowed considerably. In other words, I have no form on income. And I've been unemployed for 2 years- my savings are depleted.
I am actively job hunting again, but this is a very poor time of year for it. Most people don't leave their jobs right before Christmas, so there aren't many openings. But lots do it just after New Years! And most companies don't do a lot of hiring until after the holidays. I have turned in applications at no less than 12 different stores at the mall in hopes of part-time work. Not to mention, I do have over 40 resumes out there somewhere.
Out of those 52 job applications, I've heard back from 2 companies for interviews (rejected by both a few weeks ago), received the generic "we never reviewed your resume" response from 4 companies, and nothing from the rest. Yesterday, out of desperation, I went in to one of the stores I applied at and found a manager. I told him how I have worked for the same chain before, and I will work any shift he will give me. He was a little stunned at my forwardness, but said even though he has done all of his hiring already, maybe he could hire me too. So "maybe" I'll hear back from him. Or maybe not.
Today I made a stupid mistake that I have to pay for - literally. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal. But when there is no money coming any time soon, this hurts. It is a real problem. And I am kicking myself for it. After realizing this in the middle of a store, I ran to my car and just barely made it there before breaking down into tears. I haven't allowed myself to cry or get too upset over my situation over the last 2 years. But today I just let it out. My first real meltdown. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what else I can do. Is it me? Is it them? Is it everything? What is this and why am I stuck in it?
I cried and moved on. It is all I can do. Crying isn't going to solve my problems or fix my stupid mistake. But the problem is, I don't know what will solve everything. I've tried everything I know to do. I'm so grateful for my trip to Cambodia and all that I saw there. I know that even in my current situation, I still have more than most people there. I'm grateful for my parents who have helped me so much this past year. I live one step away from being homeless right now. If it weren't for my family giving me a free place to live, I don't know what would have happened to me.
I am grateful for what I have. But I need a little space to be angry about what I don't have too.

Let the sunshine in

It almost seems too optimistic to say things are getting better. I've had a lot of verbal promises that I'm going to get paid, and that I can still pull off going to Cambodia. But nothing is written in stone yet. Hopefully I will have results in as little as a few hours, but maybe not yet for a few more days.
It is tiring not knowing where your life is going!
So let's think happy little thoughts, and focus on the positive, shall we?
Any minute now the phone could ring and the Peace Corps will finally be ready to place me! Really and truly- any minute now it could finally happen after a year of this process!!
In just a few hours the mailman, actually mail lady in our case, or should I say postal carrier to be politically correct? Either way, in a few hours the mailbox may finally reveal the check I have waited over 2 months for!
If you are a Facebook friend, you may have seen this in a status update. Sometime in the next week or two, a major publication will be using me in a dating contest. I have a feeling I will have to do some serious self-promotion if I want to "win" a blind date of the publication's picking. I'm sure you can't wait for details on how over 1 million people can vote on my social life. (note to self: you may be crazy)
My family is moving into a new house in just a few days. I won't be living there very long, but I am still very excited about it. As you may recall, my folks live overseas. So really, they just bought a house that I will live in alone for a while. It will be a big and empty house mostly, but what furniture in it will be surroundings I am familiar and comfortable with. After a year of living in other people's stuff, I am very happy to be in a place I can call home again! AND! My mail and I will be using the same address after being apart for over a year. This is exciting stuff I tell you.
I'm trying to get my happy and positive side back after letting doom and gloom take over for the past week. I think I'm getting there. Just a few more hours till I really know what I am up against!

Girl's Search for Happiness

Exactly one year ago my life was in complete shambles. I had followed the advice and pressure from those who loved me and had followed a path I wasn't comfortable with, and it had turned out very badly. Suffering from a lot of personal and emotional wounds, I picked up what I called my life and moved to Roanoke.
Why Roanoke? I had a free place to live, and a place to regroup while looking for the next plan. Over the past 3 years I had been through so many changes and heartbreaks I just needed a place to stop and start over again. I had endured a very painful disappointment and breakup (that I never discussed on this blog) with a wonderful man. Not to mention I went through a very personally revealing forgiveness experience with him, so that we can be friends now. I had also endured "the economy" in a very personal way. In three years I went through 4 jobs, and lost each and everyone of them due to the economy, or poor management. In short those three years brought me experiences that really did a number on my ability to trust and my expectations of others.
When I arrived in Roanoke I made the choice to be completely in control (which now in hindsight was a complete joke). That I wasn't going to allow poor management, or the economy, or anyone else, dictate my life again. I was going to decide what I want, and then I would go get it. Instead, I really learned just how often people think that everything in your life will far apart so that you will magically stumble on the right man, fall wonderfully in love, and get married. (All so you won't need that job you didn't get.)
I decided to follow my heart and do the thing no one saw coming and apply to the Peace Corps. I also continued to search for an ideal job. If both the PC came through and I got a great job, I would cross that bridge when the time came. Out of the blue, a good friend approached me and offered me a commission based job with a company she was starting. It was an interesting mix of my business skills and learning new skills, and I took it. That job has been a great blessing to me (thanks Heidi!), but I never had planned on it being my long term plan.
Two weeks ago I would have told you that I had come a long way in one year. I clawed my way up from near financial ruin to actually having money in the bank. I learned to forgive and open my heart again. I devoted the entire year to serving others at church, in my family, and in my community. I learned a new career. I worked on being a writer again. I was finding myself in a very happy place, knowing that major changes were right around the corner- PC placement, a possible relationship, and more.
This week? Everything has changed. I feel like I've been hit with a truck. Relationship? Non-existent. My trust skills? Gone with the wind. Peace Corps? Almost feels impossible right now. A plan for the rest of my life? I could really use one.
I'm lost all over again. I have no idea what will come next. When I'm feeling positive I think I have so many options I can't decide which is best. When I'm not feeling as positive, I'm angry at the world, and wondering why me, and wishing there was just one option that made me happy.
But most of all, if just one more person tells me that the good things in my life have been taken from me in a Divine Intervention so that I will suddenly stumble into the right path of happiness and love, I may scream.
Be patient with me friends. I've got a lot to think about and deal with right now. And unfortunately, I have little time to think about it. I'm grateful for what I have. I really am. I can see that I am still very blessed and not in the dire straits I was in last year. And for that I am very grateful. 

tick tock, the clock don't stop

The clock is ticking folks.
My Peace Corps medical app has now been in 6 weeks. In theory, the medical office may actually acknowledge my existence any day now. Chances are still much stronger that they won't acknowledge me for about 4 more weeks, but technically, as of today, it could happen.
For the last 6 weeks I have focused on Plan B. The Plan where I do something with my life if I don't pass the medical round. I've resumed frantically applying for jobs, and accepting responsibilities and long term commitments.
But the little black cloud of "who the heck knows" continues to hang over my head.
I've mentioned the highs and lows of doubt, not knowing, unemployment, etc a trillion times before on this blog. I'm sure you are weary of hearing them. And I think that is one of the hardest parts of being where I am today- we're all weary of hearing about it.
But it doesn't get any easier. I've been without gainful employment for over a year. I've been rejected more times than I care to remember. I've had some incredible highs, generous offers, and wonderful blessings come my way.
Did you know that not once in this entire past year did I have to get by only on the funds I get from unemployment? It is nothing short of a miracle. But each and every month this past year some completely unexpected and crazy event presented itself, and I received extra money. What I get in unemployment insurance doesn't even begin to cover my expenses (and that is even after my expenses have been reduced greatly). This amazing blessing where money has just surprisingly appeared, without once jeopardizing the legality of my unemployment benefits, is undeniable.
And do again tonight, I go to bed trying to focus on the good, the positive, and the blessings. And try to shut those aggravating little voices in the back of my head up. (The ones that wonder how long this trial will go on? The ones that wonder where the light at the end of the tunnel is hiding?!) And say a little prayer that everyone will have a little more patience for me and my situation, and not forget that it isn't easy and that I am trying.
I'm doing my best to make the most of a cruddy cruddy situation. But please, don't mistake my efforts at doing something more and something different, as not trying. I may be throwing myself into volunteer work, but I'm still trying to find a job. Still working for hours each day to find a way off of unemployment. Still trying to find a way to feel useful again.