How the Sexual Revolution Killed the Common Date

Reprinted from Meridian Magazine, March 2011. 

Recently a story called “Sex is Cheap” ran on the popular news magazine Slate.com. Essentially the premise was that while women are gaining more independence, power in business, and making more money, that they are losing control in pre-marital relationships. In short, because women gained power and equality, men lost power in every place except in romantic relationships, which is to women's detriment.
It used to be that men had to work to find a good woman. In previous generations, men didn't meet women at work or at school. They had to try harder to find and woo a woman. There was competition for good women. But now, women are everywhere, and a man doesn't have to even leave his house to meet a woman (because he can find them online.) In short, men do not have to work to find a woman. And, as compared to previous generations, there are now more women than men. Its just not that hard to find women anymore.
The next problem is that men aren't faring as well as they used to. Young men used to know that hard work, some money in the bank, and an education was the key to a great future and a great job (and to winning a good wife). But there are no guarantees anymore. Young men have to compete with women to get good jobs. Men have lost the power and security of past generations, mostly in thanks to the sexual revolution.
The sexual revolution may have given women more power and equality, but in return, men lost power and stature. In short, this makes it that much harder for a woman to find a man who is a strong leader that can be her equal. Men lost their footing, and men are often below the women now in these areas.
So Then Why is Sex Cheap?
The sexual revolution told us that women could have “pre-marital relationships” casually, and on their own terms. But when the numbers changed, and there were more women than men, it was no longer up to the women when relationships would happen. Men get to decide if and when something will happen. And unfortunately, women- who want something (in this case, whether it be casual sex or a simple date), but aren't getting it on their own terms, are accepting offers from men whenever they can get an offer.
In short, women have no control or power, and are willing to just give men what they want.
In the LDS parallel world, where maybe sex isn't the issue, but just getting a date is, I believe we call this “settling.” Women are just willing to take what they can get, when they can get it. Even if it isn't what they wanted, or what they were worthy of.
One interesting statistic in the article stated that virginity is more common on college campuses where women comprise a smaller share of the student body, suggesting that [when there are fewer women and the men have to work harder to get a woman] women have the power in sexual relationships. Comparatively, on campuses with more women than men, women are more negative about campus men, hold more negative views of their relationships, go on fewer dates, are less likely to have a boyfriend, and receive less commitment in exchange for sex.
Why? Because men just don't have to work for it. Men pass over the women with scruples and morals, and go for the “low-hanging fruit.” Who wants to actually have to put forth effort at dating and relationships, when you can just get no-strings attached sex for free?
Now, in the LDS world, where in theory, sex isn't the bargaining chip, does this all still apply?
Oh does it ever!
Let's take, for example, the mid-singles activity I went to just last weekend. By my count, there were approximately 50 mid-singles there- 10 men, 40 women. I can tell you that the room was full of attractive, talented women. Each of them successful, accomplished, and enjoyable to be with. It looked like a beauty contest and fashion show all at the same time. The girls came to impress. The men? Well, they enjoyed the odds. But none of them came ready to impress the women. (No offense guys, but deep down, you know I'm right.)
Now, if the sexual revolution worked, all the women would walk away, proud of her independence, proud to be equal in the work place, etc. And sure, TV and Hollywood like to play with our heads and tell us that there are plenty of women out there who are revolutionized and happy with it. They tell us that the Revolutionary Woman is strong, smart, sexy, and likes it that way. And in those “romantic comedies” where suddenly she meets a man so not her type, and falls in love, and is suddenly able to still be revolutionized, she will never have to compromise on all that power and strength.
Whatever.
I'm here to tell you, that it doesn't work that way. Women aren't falling for men not their type, who are less successful than them, and being whisked away on the backs of motorcycles while wearing business suits.
Here's the truth.
Women are stuck with a difficult decision. Do they just take the first man that comes along, afraid of not getting picked for the team? Or worse, never getting picked for the team? Even if that man is not what she was hoping for? Or does she stick it out, waiting for a man to be her equal? Which is a lot like waiting for the chupacabra some days.
Will the men ever step up their game? Will men actually ever work hard to find a woman and woo her again? I'm guessing no. We've progressed too far. Maybe it will happen in an other generation, but it won't happen for my generation. Men have no need to step up their game, when there is always another woman to meet around the corner.
Porn Killed the Common Date
Another way the sexual revolution ruined things- porn. The sexual revolution told us that suddenly sex is good, sex is available, and its not so taboo to say sex. Sex, sex, sex. Porn used to be a terrible, seedy thing. Something to be ashamed of. Now? Not so much. Now porn is a joke. Now people talk about it in commonplace conversation. Now it is easily accessible, and it is killing my social life.
Men don't have to woo, bring flowers, get a good job, and impress a girl for sexual gratification. Nope, instead he can get it on his computer, at a bookstore, or pretty much anywhere he decides to look for it. Gone are the days when a man actual had to CONVINCE a woman that he was worth something in order to be sexually gratified, now he can just download it at home! Why bother spending $50 on dinner and a movie, with no guarantee of any action at the end of the night, when you can get it for free at home?
And we wonder why so many great, talented, attractive, accomplished women are sitting at home alone on a Friday night?!
I Blame the Men
When the odds in your average singles ward, or at a singles activity is 4:1 women to men, the problem isn't with the women.
If men wanted to be in relationships, they would be in them! There are more than enough women to go around. Men, STEP UP! You have no room to complain. If you are single, it is your own fault, plain and simple. I can hear you now, “I just haven't met the right one yet!” Yeah, well, that is because you aren't looking. And you certainly aren't trying very hard.
So women, what should we do? Do we compromise what we want? After all, isn't that what our mothers keep telling us to do- stop being so picky? NO! Maybe that was the problem back in their day when men were actually wooing them, and they were rejecting good men. But in today's world, that just isn't practical.
We live in a conflicted world. We, the women of today, believe and know we can be leaders in business, in the world, and anywhere we want to be. But we were also taught and raised to believe that a man is the head of the home. We are waiting for a priesthood LEADER to come and sweep us off our feet (or at the very least, open the door for us). We want to be the head of the class, director of the boardroom, and world leaders, but we choose to want a man to be the head of our homes.
Are there any men left who want to be the head of the home? Or are they all too busy at home watching porn and playing video games?
So how do we get a good man when the odds are stacked against us? Is holding out for a good one going to work? Should you pick up the phone and call? As a marketing professional, I want to tell you, YES! Do what you have to do to stand out in the crowd! Get noticed! Be proactive. But that's the sexual revolution talking again, and isn't that what got us here in the first place? I can't answer that one for you. How you get a date is up to you, but keep being great. Stand out and attract a man because you are great. Don't compromise or settle just so you can have a man. You are better than that.
And men, I'll only say this one more time. When the odds are 4:1 stacked in your favor, and you still can't find a woman- you have some thinking to do.
So tell me what you are thinking. Tell me I'm wrong, tell me I'm right. I know you have an opinion out there! Leave them below in the comments section!
Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, blogger, and a social media addict. Equal parts Mary Poppins, Carrie Bradshaw, and Mother Theresa, she goes where the wind blows, writes about relationships and dating, and is devoted to serving others. You can get more of her at the Story of a Nice Mormon Girl and on Twitter as @erinannie. She says that if you aren't friends with Meridian Magazine on Facebook, you are missing out.

Being Single is Not a Curse!

Reprint of an article posted in Meridian Magazine from July 2010. 

Today I took a long walk in the woods with my dog. It was a beautiful and perfect afternoon. I brought my camera and a book and made myself comfortable on a bench for a few hours. It really was lovely. But I can't say "it was all I could have wanted,” because as I sat there on the bench, overlooking a beautiful valley, basking in my personal perfect day, all I could think about was how much I wanted there to be a special someone sitting beside me. How I longed for a meaningful conversation with a special someone. How if the right person were beside me I could put my head on his shoulder, and hold his hand, and just gaze on that view forever. But the bench was empty beside me.

I'm single. Very single. And there are many days when I wonder if there will ever be a special someone to sit beside me again. There are days when I question what I did to deserve to be single. Is this punishment for some sin I have committed? How much longer until I have repented? Is this the life my Heavenly Father wants for me? Will I ever have children? Will that bench forever be empty because of some choice I don't remember making? And I am not alone in my fears and concerns.

Questions of “Why am I still single?” “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” “Why does he get to be married and not me?” “How can she be married twice and I still haven’t found one husband?” “I’ve prayed for it and I’m a good person, so why hasn’t the Lord sent me an eternal companion?” “How am I ever supposed to fit in at church when it is all about families, and I don’t have one?” “Why should I have to sit through another lesson about parenting when I’ll probably never be a parent myself?” “Why should I go to another ward activity geared toward children and families? I won't fit in,” and so many other questions of doubt are common and not unusual in the minds of an unmarried member of the Church.

The Truth Hurts

Singles often feel alienated or left out of the general membership of the Church. Without children, or without spouses, what place is there for them at ward activities that are so often family oriented? When lessons and advice are given regarding strengthening family relationships, what do they have to offer to the lesson or to take away from it?
But maybe the most difficult part of being single, particularly for those individuals who have passed the more culturally traditional younger years of courtship and have entered into their thirties, forties, and older, is wondering why I have not found a spouse? Why have I not been so blessed? “Am I so hard to love? What’s wrong with me? Am I not faithful enough? Why doesn’t anyone want me?” All of these questions can be painful and difficult to ask, and at times can lead to an individual’s slow departure from activity within the Church, where so many discussions revolve around eternal marriage, faithfulness, and endurance.

Elder Neal Maxwell in his book “And These Things Shall Give Thee Experience,” counseled that we are not being punished when we do not receive that which we desire. Sometimes the Lord has other plans for us. It is our job to do our best, and be happy, no matter what the situation. I would like to think that the alternative to not getting married and being a mother should be a high-paying job with lots of adventure and excitement. Sadly, this does not seem to be the plan for me either.

The Secret to Happiness

To find happiness and contentment in our lives, no matter our situation, is often the ultimate challenge. Whether it be the family dealing with financial downturn, or an infertile couple longing for a child, or the desperate desire to find love and a mate, the challenge is to find “joy in the journey,” even when the journey is not the one we expected or wanted to take.

President Thomas S. Monson said it this way, “This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief.

Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not.

I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.”

So singles, I ask you this- are you finding joy in the journey? Are you happy? Are you living your life to the fullest, in spite of the fact that maybe you are not living the life you want to have? It can be hard. It can be really hard. It hurts going to church on Sunday and sitting alone. It hurts sitting in Relief Society listening to a lesson on parenting or love at home or when someone talks about the joys of marriage. And nothing is more irritating when a young bride half your age tearfully says,”I prayed so long and hard and waited for so long to find the right man.” All you can think is, “Honey, I'll show you what waiting forever feels like!” How is it possible to be happy and find joy in the journey when cards seem to be stacked against you?

Elder Maxwell described these challenges as one of the “hard doctrines” of the Gospel.  He quoted author C.S. Lewis in this regard, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

Being Single is NOT a Curse!!

Being single is not a curse, or an affliction. It is not a trial that you must “overcome.” Your life, your mission, your Plan, is not a trial! It is simply that the Lord has other desires for you. What role has He carved out for you? What do you have to offer? The Lord knows you, your talents, and has provided you with the circumstances so that you may do your best. It is not an accident that you were born at this time and place. You must find your self-worth and be an instrument in the Lord’s hands. “The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God.” There was no postscript that said “Except some will be worth more than others because they got married and raised a family. Through no fault of your own you will not be worth as much.”  The Lord values you, and has put you in the situation where he needs you. Give yourself to the Lord so that you may be the person He needs you to be.

You must find your calling in life and magnify it. Some will be called to be mothers and fathers. Others will not be held back by the constraints of a family so that they may serve in other ways to the wards, communities, and even the world around them. Being single is not a limitation or condemnation. It is the opportunity to expand and do more, while living a Gospel-centered life. Marriage does not solve any one’s problems. Marriage alone will not make you happy. You must be happy with who you are above all else. Find joy in your journey!

Dating Mistakes, Top 10 List for LDS Men, and Sex

 Yesterday I "put myself out there" big time with my column for Meridian on singles. I shared a few quick dating tips, and then shared some of the bigger mistakes I have made in dating, and in this case, all with the same guy. I've made those mistakes with other guys as well, but I managed to make dozens of them with one particular guy. (And he didn't go running! But he did slowly back away. I don't blame him a bit!)

Today I saw this circulating the interwebz- Top Ten List for Single Men. It's on a blog I've never heard of before (LDS Singles Survival), but may just have to keep following. I've heard the list before. It was written by a former singles ward bishop a few years ago.

The list is spot-on, and hits many of the details I wish more guys would wake up to. But it made me realize yet again how the 'lists' for women tend to be, "pick yourself up, go be fabulous, and don't wait for the guys to get it together." There are a few that issue wake-up calls to the women too (I think I wrote one once, but I can't remember what I titled it), but mostly men get criticized, while women get motivated.

The men are told they aren't as good as they think they are and to go try for the women [in their league]. While the women are told they are great, and to not waste time waiting for LDS men to get it together. You realize we're telling the men to chase the women and the women to run away faster. We're not telling them to run TO each other.

No wonder they aren't finding each other!

The conflict and contradiction got me to thinking about the disparity in how young men and young women in the LDS world are taught about sex and modesty. Young men are told it is natural to feel sexual urges towards the women. (For the best example of this ever, go google "little factory talk by boyd k packer." You'll laugh and cry.) And young women are told to cover themselves so they don't encourage those thoughts in young men. Young men are told it is good and natural, young women are taught it is a sin to have lustful thoughts and that it is their fault if anyone has them.

Again, are we surprised at the complications that are keeping couples apart?

Just some thoughts this morning...



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Mormon Singles and Sex- a Very Frank Talk

The following was going to run on a different website. At the last minute it was determined that it was too raw and too edgy for that site. I've decided to go ahead an run it here. Some of you will agree, some of you won't. Some of you (non-Mormons in particular) will read this and seriously wonder what the heck is wrong with us.
I'm just telling it like it is.

For the sake of this article I will not use polite alternative language, or pretend we don’t all know what I’m talking about. I will be straightforward and as blunt as possible.
Sex is an incredibly complicated subject. For Mormon singles the subject is even more complicated the more it is engaged in, or the more it is avoided. There is a little secret running through the singles of the Church that the rules for dating and sexual relationships changed over time. No one ever addresses this subject in detail. As a result, many singles have formed their own new rules for appropriate physical relationships that are no longer in harmony with what they were taught at age 16.
When I studied interpersonal communications in college one of the key principles taught was, “everyone is in a relationship.” You may be in a friendly relationship, a married relationship, or a relationship where you do not know each other. Not speaking or avoiding another person, is also a type of relationship. All people everywhere are in some type of relationship with each other. By these same definitions, all people are in a relationship with sex. The type of relationship may change- you actively engage in it, avoid it, have not engaged in it, dislike it, enjoy it, etc. These are all forms of relationships. Everyone is in a relationship with sex.
Mormon singles have the most complicated relationship with sex. And sex complicates all relationships, particularly when sex is to be avoided. To be honest, most dates are planned activities as an alternative to sex. “What can we do to enjoy each other’s presence that won’t lead to sex tonight?” or “How much can we enjoy each other physically before we have to stop ourselves so we don’t have sex?” are the subconscious (and not so subconscious) approaches to dating.) This is what dating is in today’s culture and to think otherwise would be naïve and foolish. You can get to know each other on the phone, through email, etc. Dates are about physical relationships.

What the Youth are Taught
Today we see more sexually arousing images before lunch than our parents saw before their honeymoons. And just like we have been taught since we were twelve years old, the more you are exposed to such things, the more de-sensitized you become.