Praying for the One: You

God gives all of His children equal opportunities for happiness through the Atonement. He is our Heavenly Father, and like all fathers, He doesnt love one child more than another. Of this, there is no argument. He wants us to be happy.

And yet, we forget this easy to accept principle when it comes to seeking an eternal companion. We make it into something difficult and complicated. Many of us allow the idea to creep into our minds that there must be a “saved,” certain, special someone out there for us. We believe that there are trials and tribulations to be endured so that we can meet the One.

Have we made the “search” for love that much harder on ourselves by creating and building up this idea that there is only one person who can make us eternally happy? (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes.)

A friend of mine made a very insightful and interesting comment regarding the search for an eternal companion. “Its hard to believe or understand that a loving Father who answers when I pray that I have enough gas in the car to make it to payday, or protects me when my car breaks down, doesnt have an opinion on who I marry.”

I sat and thought upon that idea for a while. Shes right. It does seem hard to fathom that the God who helps me with something as trivial as finding missing car keys, doesnt have a stake in my potential mate.

But then it hit me.

My roommate is wrong. And so was I.

Theres a very huge difference in having the faith that the Lord will help me find the missing keys, or will get my jalopy home, and saying He has an opinion or an interest in me finding the car keys. When I find those keys, it is because I had the faith to be led to find them. Its an answer to a prayer. And while the scriptures are very in-depth, detailed, and written to be applied in all time periods, Ive yet to find a verse that says, “look under the couch.”

But in comparison, there are dozens of scriptures, both ancient and modern-day, that tell us where to marry, how to marry, and who to marry. They just leave out the specific name of the person, and what day and where to meet him. But thats okay. Thats where faith comes in.

Consider this advice from Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist. It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make” (in Conference Report, Sept.Oct. 1955, 13).

"Friends" vs Real Life and Friends

I haven't blogged much lately (well, for the better part of the past year I suppose) because I've lost interest in talking about my private life so publicly, and I write more on my Author Page on Facebook now.
But lately I have felt like writing a few things, so maybe the blog will rise again.
Or not.
This week was very unusual for me as I had kidney stone surgery (sort of). A few weeks ago, right after our family cruise, I thought I had severe back pain. And I probably did have actual, regular back pain (from traveling and riding a horse in Mexico with the worst saddle I've ever seen). The back pain was bad enough that I didn't recognize the symptoms of kidney stones until it was too late. I was in so much pain I decided to go to the E.R., which required either an ambulance or a friend to take me, as I was in no condition to drive. I texted everyone I could think of who wouldn't be at work at that time, and found one wonderful friend to take me. Even as I waited for her to pick me up, I debated calling an ambulance. But ultimately didn't take an ambulance because I was worried I wouldn't be able to get to the door fast enough to let them in.
These are the real problems of being single and living alone. How to keep from dying alone in your own home because there was no one else around to open the door for you. As it was, it took me nearly 30 minutes to slowly move across my bed to reach my phone to call for help.
I've been watching "Friends" a lot on Netflix for the past few weeks. (Being bedridden from kidney stones and then the surgery will do that to you.) Sure it's a sitcom and far from reality. But I think sometimes all these silly TV shows that glamorize single life do a huge disservice to actual singles. Life isn't like it is on "Friends" where everyone is buddies with the cute guys/girls across the hall, and everyone comes and goes and eats each other's food. I don't know my neighbors' names. Believe me, as I was sobbing in pain, praying for a miracle that someone, somehow would know that I was in need of help at that moment, I wracked my memory trying to think of a neighbor's name I could yell out to get help. But the truth is, I could probably recognize one guy who lives on my floor, but I've never asked his name. But of the other 2 apartments, and presumably 5 other adults who live here, I have no idea what they look like, or what their names are. (I don't even really know that 5 people live on this floor.)
And it has always been like this. I never know my neighbors or anything about them. They are just people who could afford the same amount of rent I can, and need to live in the same area. We have nothing else in common. We don't even speak the same language.
On "Friends" they do everything together. They hang out in the coffee shop. They spend holidays together. They go on vacations together. Again, sure, it's a sitcom, and it's all fiction. But the truth is, when I want to go see a movie, and invite friends, it takes a week's notice, and 50 text messages for all of us to agree on something.
I had little to no expectations for my friends to be able to drop everything and come assist me after my surgery this week. I have been grateful for the few friends who have made the time and effort to come over and help me out. (I really was bedridden all of Tuesday and Wednesday. Today I was able to shower on my own, and I think by the end of the day I will be able to walk my dog.) I know my friends love me and would help me if they could. But the truth is that life is nothing like it is on TV. Friends can't make time sacrifices like that to always be there for you. When you are single, your job is to look out for yourself. You don't have the luxury of assuming other people will be able to help you out.
Part of me finds this all a bit ironic and funny. Because I definitely get the impression from non-singles, that they assume that since I have no family to tend to, that when they need help, I should be able to drop everything and be there for them. (And I often do.) But when a single person needs help, it can be far more difficult to find someone to give the help.
I'm grateful for the system my church has in place to provide help and compassionate service when needed. Yesterday a woman from my congregation that I didn't know showed up with dinner for me, and took my dog out for a big walk. (The dog came home one very happy pooch, which is good, because help isn't coming to walk her for a few more hours today.) She didn't know me. She just knew I needed help because of our compassionate service system. Next week she is having surgery, and I've signed up to repay the favor by assisting her. (Although there is no expectation that I should do so. I did it because I want to.)
If it weren't for the compassionate service through the church I don't know how I would get by this week. I know my mother wishes she could be here. And my sister has offered to come help me (but she lives over an hour away without traffic, and has a full-time job, plus goes to college at night, so it's hard for us to work it out).
Single life is not what it ever appears to be like on TV or in movies. Singles aren't a codependent happy bunch of people who do everything together. They are floating, independent ships, looking for a comfortable place to anchor and find reserves and supplies.
As for the rest of my story and situation, I did have surgery on my kidneys on Tuesday. I'm recovering as well as can be expected. I have high hopes that tomorrow I can leave the house (for a job interview). I also have high hopes that I will be able to sleep for more than 3 hours before the painkillers wear off and the pain wakes me back up. Sleep would really make me happy right about now. I do expect to return to regular life by Monday. We haven't completely solved the mystery of my kidneys yet, and that situation is far from over. I expect there will be another surgery next month, but I'm going to push that off for as long as possible. I have no desire to "recover" from another procedure for a good long time. 

Singles Awareness Day

(Reprinted from Meridian Magazine, February 2012)

You didn't think I was going to let February 14 go by without acknowledging the most dreaded day of all singles, did you? Never fear, my single friends, I am here to commiserate with you! I will share my worst experience with you, but in return, I expect to hear your awful stories in the comments below.

I will never forget my worst Valentine's Day ever, but to say that indicates that somewhere along the way I have had a good Valentine's Day. The truth is, even on the years where I had a boyfriend on February 14, I've never had a good, romantic, worthy of recording it in my journal, or even just calling my best friend, kind of day. I've had pretty much nothing but really lousy Valentine's Days. (Unless you count the year I was going through fire-fighting school and I got to rappel down the side of a burning building, getting the best time in my class, as a good day.)

No, I've had some pretty rotten V-days. I'm one of those singles who would prefer to just sleep through the day, never being forced to see all of the people wearing pink and red, carrying flowers and balloons in the hallways at work, while giving cheery answers to questions like, “So do you have any fun Valentine's plans?” No, I plan to be at home watching NCIS and hanging out with my dog, just like I do on most Tuesday nights. The only thing different is this week I won't get to eat Indian take-out while watching TV, because I have to avoid all restaurants at all costs, so as to not be seen alone in my alone-ness. Which is stupid, quite frankly, because, I'm alone in my alone-ness all the time! I go into restaurants and eat alone pretty regularly. But no, once a year, all those gross lovey-dovey people have to go and ruin it for me, and I'm stuck at home eating Lean Cuisine instead.

But back to the worst Valentine's Day ever. I tell you this story at great risk to myself. I have no idea if the man involved will ever read this. I'm going to assume that he doesn't, since he's never told me so (but then, we haven't talked in 16 years, so I don't know that he would. And he probably won't now either). If you just happen to be that man, I hope you too can see the humor in this story now!

I was just barely nineteen at the time. One of those BYU stories of the girl that got engaged just six months out of high school to a guy she had only known a matter of weeks. But of course, not really engaged, just verbally engaged without a ring. Nonetheless, the point is, I had a significant other on Valentine's Day. I had expectations. I had dreams. I had very big plans. After all, we were just recently and verbally agreed to be married! I was owed a diamond! Me and my nineteen years of wisdom knew exactly how this day would play out, and it would end in a hugely, overly romantic love story to tell our grandchildren someday!

Obviously, that didn't happen.

What did happen is he had an exam that day. And I, being a college student with big wedding plans, had taken a temp job working in the BYU on-campus florist. (Exactly why does a university need an on-campus florist, by the way? If not only to further encourage silly college romances?) It was working at my temp job that day that I discovered just how wretched allergies can be, and that I am horribly allergic to many types of flowers. After eight straight hours of flower arranging, and being surrounded by all those (painful) pretty smells, I was in complete misery. However, let's keep it to the obvious facts here. I was also an overly romantic and sentimental mostly verbally engaged nineteen year old in a flower shop on Valentines Day. Do you see where I am going here? I may have actually woken up that morning still a somewhat reasonable person. By the end of my shift making other people's romantic gifts, I was expecting a 12 piece string orchestra, dozens and dozens of roses, a steak dinner, and more than one diamond ring. Wouldn't you?

I spent most of the money I earned that day right there in the florist buying him a gift and having it delivered. It was a teddy bear, a balloon, and some roses that I personally picked out and arranged. Because what red-blooded, American male college student doesn't want a teddy bear, balloon, and roses?

After work I went to my room and primped. For what? I didn't know. I just knew it was Valentine's Day and obviously the man who was verbally committed to giving me a diamond ring was going to be doing something grand. I waited and waited. And my allergies and sinus infection grew worse and worse, not helped by the two dozen roses my roommate had received taking up real estate in our tiny room. Finally my phone rang saying I had a delivery at the front desk. Expecting nothing less than a limousine and other fantastic gestures I ran downstairs.

And picked up another dozen roses some guy had sent my roommate.

I returned to my room, checked my messages to make sure I hadn't missed my beloved's call (I hadn't), and resumed my flights of fancy.

The phone rang again.

I ran back to the front desk.

Where I found the teddy bear, roses, and balloon I had sent my significant other waiting for me. The delivery guy had sent it to the wrong person. Oh and the receipt was still attached. I took the receipt off and had them call the right person. And returned to my room.

I kid you not, I walked in the door and the phone rang again.

Back to the front desk.

Another dozen roses for my roommate.

Where was my roommate you might ask? Out on a date with her boyfriend, who was not the bequeathor of the now four dozen roses in my tiny little dorm room. Also, I was starting to resent my roommate just a little bit. Yes, I had that kind of roommate who just got dozens of roses randomly sent to her by men she barely knew. And yet, I still loved her anyway.

For several more hours I sat there patiently in my room, my head throbbing with a sinus infection, blowing my nose, getting sicker by the minute. It was 10pm before he called.I almost didn't answer it because I was convinced it was going to be the front desk calling with an entire rose garden for my roommate.But it was my mostly betrothed, so I went down to see him, Kleenex and all.

He thanked me for my cute little gift, and told me all about his big exam, and how it had taken all day. He finally noticed I was sick and offered me back the teddy bear I had given him. “The bear? The stupid little bear? I don't want the bear! Just give me my stinking engagement ring!!!” was sloshing with rage through my very congested head.

Did I mention we were in a classroom? We were two car-less college students without a lot of options. A lot of our “dates” were just sitting in empty classrooms or study rooms talking.

So there we were- me with the worst sinus infection in history bubbling out of my nose, and him with that dumb bear I gave him. He finally reaches into his backpack and tells me to close my eyes and put out my hands. I only put out my left hand, palm down. He turned my hand over and put a plastic take out container in it before I opened my eyes.

A frosted sugar cookie.

But not just any frosted sugar cookie. A broken frosted sugar cookie with “Be Mine” iced onto it.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was expecting an engagement ring, and I got a broken cookie.

Did I mention I hate sugar cookies?

He explained it got smashed in his backpack, and the frosting smeared a little bit. Yes, yes, I could see that.

And that, my friends, is the only time, ever, in nearly 20 years of dating, that a significant other has given me something on Valentine's Day. Sure, I've had other boyfriends on that date, but none of them have ever given me something or done anything nice for me on that day.

I've learned my lesson about getting my hopes up, or thinking men are ever on the same page as women when it comes to romantic expectations. But more importantly, I still have hopes. I still think that maybe someday I'm going to have a good February 14. Maybe even have a date on Valentine's Day- wouldn't that be amazing? I still think that in spite of twenty years of not meeting Mr. Right that one day it will finally happen. I won't be waking up on Valentine's Day thinking the floral delivery truck is going to be in my driveway with roses from a mysterious admirer. But I do think that maybe someday I will meet a guy who will give me a rose or dozen. (In 20 years of dating, it has only happened once.) I'm not ready to give up yet.

But until then, I'm avoiding all restaurants and public places on the day I am convinced was designed to make single women feel bad about themselves.

Are you with me? Share your “Singles Awareness Day” stories with me!

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Being Single is Not a Curse!

Reprint of an article posted in Meridian Magazine from July 2010. 

Today I took a long walk in the woods with my dog. It was a beautiful and perfect afternoon. I brought my camera and a book and made myself comfortable on a bench for a few hours. It really was lovely. But I can't say "it was all I could have wanted,” because as I sat there on the bench, overlooking a beautiful valley, basking in my personal perfect day, all I could think about was how much I wanted there to be a special someone sitting beside me. How I longed for a meaningful conversation with a special someone. How if the right person were beside me I could put my head on his shoulder, and hold his hand, and just gaze on that view forever. But the bench was empty beside me.

I'm single. Very single. And there are many days when I wonder if there will ever be a special someone to sit beside me again. There are days when I question what I did to deserve to be single. Is this punishment for some sin I have committed? How much longer until I have repented? Is this the life my Heavenly Father wants for me? Will I ever have children? Will that bench forever be empty because of some choice I don't remember making? And I am not alone in my fears and concerns.

Questions of “Why am I still single?” “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” “Why does he get to be married and not me?” “How can she be married twice and I still haven’t found one husband?” “I’ve prayed for it and I’m a good person, so why hasn’t the Lord sent me an eternal companion?” “How am I ever supposed to fit in at church when it is all about families, and I don’t have one?” “Why should I have to sit through another lesson about parenting when I’ll probably never be a parent myself?” “Why should I go to another ward activity geared toward children and families? I won't fit in,” and so many other questions of doubt are common and not unusual in the minds of an unmarried member of the Church.

The Truth Hurts

Singles often feel alienated or left out of the general membership of the Church. Without children, or without spouses, what place is there for them at ward activities that are so often family oriented? When lessons and advice are given regarding strengthening family relationships, what do they have to offer to the lesson or to take away from it?
But maybe the most difficult part of being single, particularly for those individuals who have passed the more culturally traditional younger years of courtship and have entered into their thirties, forties, and older, is wondering why I have not found a spouse? Why have I not been so blessed? “Am I so hard to love? What’s wrong with me? Am I not faithful enough? Why doesn’t anyone want me?” All of these questions can be painful and difficult to ask, and at times can lead to an individual’s slow departure from activity within the Church, where so many discussions revolve around eternal marriage, faithfulness, and endurance.

Elder Neal Maxwell in his book “And These Things Shall Give Thee Experience,” counseled that we are not being punished when we do not receive that which we desire. Sometimes the Lord has other plans for us. It is our job to do our best, and be happy, no matter what the situation. I would like to think that the alternative to not getting married and being a mother should be a high-paying job with lots of adventure and excitement. Sadly, this does not seem to be the plan for me either.

The Secret to Happiness

To find happiness and contentment in our lives, no matter our situation, is often the ultimate challenge. Whether it be the family dealing with financial downturn, or an infertile couple longing for a child, or the desperate desire to find love and a mate, the challenge is to find “joy in the journey,” even when the journey is not the one we expected or wanted to take.

President Thomas S. Monson said it this way, “This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief.

Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not.

I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.”

So singles, I ask you this- are you finding joy in the journey? Are you happy? Are you living your life to the fullest, in spite of the fact that maybe you are not living the life you want to have? It can be hard. It can be really hard. It hurts going to church on Sunday and sitting alone. It hurts sitting in Relief Society listening to a lesson on parenting or love at home or when someone talks about the joys of marriage. And nothing is more irritating when a young bride half your age tearfully says,”I prayed so long and hard and waited for so long to find the right man.” All you can think is, “Honey, I'll show you what waiting forever feels like!” How is it possible to be happy and find joy in the journey when cards seem to be stacked against you?

Elder Maxwell described these challenges as one of the “hard doctrines” of the Gospel.  He quoted author C.S. Lewis in this regard, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

Being Single is NOT a Curse!!

Being single is not a curse, or an affliction. It is not a trial that you must “overcome.” Your life, your mission, your Plan, is not a trial! It is simply that the Lord has other desires for you. What role has He carved out for you? What do you have to offer? The Lord knows you, your talents, and has provided you with the circumstances so that you may do your best. It is not an accident that you were born at this time and place. You must find your self-worth and be an instrument in the Lord’s hands. “The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God.” There was no postscript that said “Except some will be worth more than others because they got married and raised a family. Through no fault of your own you will not be worth as much.”  The Lord values you, and has put you in the situation where he needs you. Give yourself to the Lord so that you may be the person He needs you to be.

You must find your calling in life and magnify it. Some will be called to be mothers and fathers. Others will not be held back by the constraints of a family so that they may serve in other ways to the wards, communities, and even the world around them. Being single is not a limitation or condemnation. It is the opportunity to expand and do more, while living a Gospel-centered life. Marriage does not solve any one’s problems. Marriage alone will not make you happy. You must be happy with who you are above all else. Find joy in your journey!

What should we do with the singles?

Have you ever asked yourself, "What should we do with the singles?"

One way to "help" the LDS singles is to ask whether or not the Single Adult program in your area is helping single church members "choose the good part." Not too many years ago, Elder Marvin J. Ashton encouraged everyone, particularly the women, to "choose the good part."

Many single adult programs are set up to serve as a "meet market." This thwarts the purpose of helping the participants choose the better part. Just like all other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, singles are faced with the challenge of living life fully, richly, and joyfully. The only difference between singles and the rest of the Church is that singles must learn to do it alone.

In a family centered church, where it is expected that happiness depends upon a family and spouse, singles frequently feel as if they are not supposed to feel happiness or joy in their situation. Or somehow it is impossible to feel joy in their situation. In spite of their many accomplishments outside of the home, some singles feel they have somehow failed at life because they are not yet married. It is imperative to provide a program that allows singles to choose the better part.

The best council we can all seek is that of President Hinckley. He said to the singles who wish to be married, "Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably.

"I believe that for most of us the best medicine for loneliness is work, service in behalf of others. I do not minimize your problems, but I do not hesitate to say that there are many others whose problems are more serious than are yours. Reach out to serve them, to help them, to encourage them. There are so many boys and girls who fail in school for want of a little personal attention and encouragement. There are so many elderly people who live in misery and loneliness and fear for whom a simple conversation would bring a measure of hope and happiness."

Singles programs need to reach out to include every single from every walk of life. Many singles feel that their lives revolve around nothing but themselves. Everywhere they go and everything they do they are reminded that they are single. Allow church to be the one place where their marital status is not their defining characteristic.

Tips for a Successful Singles Activity

If you are asking yourself why you have 500 singles in your area, and yet only 20 show up for your bi-monthly potluck and fireside and dance combo night, instead of adding another exciting element to the night, ask yourself first if your singles program is set up to fulfill the guidelines President Hinckley outlined above, and then ask the singles what they would like to do for activities. Give the singles the opportunity to meet in each other's homes. Give them the chance to serve each other. If the thought, "What do singles like to do?" crosses your mind, ask yourself how you would like to spend an evening making new friends. Singles are people too.

Elder John K. Carmack Of the First Quorum of the Seventy offered a few observations for singles ("To My Single Friends," Ensign, Mar. 1989, 27):

1. Marriage is more likely to come as a result of being involved in other useful activities and goals.

2. Keep a long-range, spiritual perspective.

3. Maintain a loving, tolerant mortal perspective, too.

4. Look outward and away from yourself.

Guidelines for activities might include the following (and these are applicable to more than just a singles activity!):

Create opportunities for new interaction.
Create activities that allow people to relax out of their comfort zone. When planning the activity, ask yourself how comfortable you would be in a room surrounded by new people attempting the feat at hand.
Be innovative; go beyond the ward barbecue.
Make sure the purpose of the activity is more entertaining than the best that TV has to offer that night. If you didn't have to be there, would you want to be?
Don't waste your budget on the decorations or food. Delegating these opportunities to the attendees to be involved in the success of the activity will up your attendance numbers and encourage participation.


What Not to Say to a Single

Singles frequently hear criticism that they are too picky and that is why it has taken them so long to get married. Relationships are not as easy today as they once were. This generation has seen divorce rates climb, as our parents', friends', and siblings' marriages have failed. Telling someone to lose their "high" standards is the equivalent of telling them to ignore divorce rates and the factors that lead to it. As a single I have frequently heard variations on the misquote "any two righteous persons can get married and make a marriage work." And then someone tells me not to be picky - that I should be able to marry anyone and be happy. A more appropriate quote was given by Elder Marion Hanks in 1984:

"I [wish] to testify that the principles and covenants of the gospel, particularly those of the temple, are the best possible basis on which to build a strong union; and that such a marriage never just happens. It is brought about not simply by ceremony or circumstance or chance, but by two mature, loving adults who are able and willing to learn the principles upon which a vital and durable marriage may be fashioned and who, day by day, year by year, work on that process."

How You Can Help the Singles Feel Comfortable in a Family Ward

Treat them like normal people. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Singles Are People Too

In summary, what can you do with the Singles? Allow them to serve you and serve them. Integrate them fully into all ward and stake activities. Treat them like any other adult in your stake. Provide them with a service and gospel-oriented program.

How Not to Do Christmas, Surgery, and Recovery. Or Maybe How You Should Do It. I Can't Decide.

Last week I had sinus surgery. The week before that I was diagnosed with pneumonia.
This made things interesting.
To try and sum it up as neatly and simply as possible, the surgery was something I have wanted to do for years. I finally have health insurance that would cover the surgery for me with almost nothing out of my pocket. (With my old insurance I would've had to pay close to $8000 out of pocket for the surgery.) It was important that I get the surgery in 2013 before my employer-provided health care plan changes in 2014 to meet ObamaCare requirements, and I suddenly would have to pay more for the surgery. (I will never understand how ObamaCare helps anyone. I'm just screwed every which way with it!)
But I digress. Getting sick out of the blue, and getting severely sick so suddenly, complicated things a bit. The surgery was tentative right up until the moment I arrived at the surgical center and got cleared.
The surgery itself was fairly simple, textbook, nothing big. I've had chronic sinusitis for years, and my sinus infections are now antibiotic resistant staph infections. Fun stuff. So the surgery was ordered to fix a few things so I can finally, for the first time in about 3 years, NOT have a sinus infection! Yay!
My little sister, Steph, was my caregiver and driver for the day. I think she was more worried and concerned about everything than I was. The surgery went well, and I was fine.
My doctor (a guy I think is fabulous and would recommend him anytime) tried something new on me. He left a steroid implant in my sinuses. It's a time-release capsule that delivers the anti-inflammatory steroids directly in the sinuses. (I don't feel it.) I have had absolutely NO bruising, no swelling, nada. It really had been great.
I felt so fantastic the first few days after the surgery that I agreed (like a crazy person) to host Christmas dinner for several friends on Christmas day. At first the general idea was that I wouldn't feel well, and wouldn't be able to drive, and therefore, wouldn't be able to go anywhere for Christmas. (I was okay with that.) When the idea came up to spend it with friends, I said I wouldn't mind having 2-3 friends over who would understand my situation, and they could do all the work and food.
Ha. Well, I've never been good at saying no. 2-3 people became 6 or 7, which became 10-12. And then the day of there were 17 people in my house. 2 days after I've had major surgery, I had 17 people in my tiny one bedroom apartment.
Insanity.

Doggy Blur. I saw a lot of this last week. Dogs moving very fast in circles.

Oh and a second dog. A dog bigger than my own dog.
Thankfully the visitor dog was great, and got along with my own dog beautifully. The two of them kept each other entertained for hours and weren't a problem at all. (Except for the part where they took over my bed and kicked me out.)
My sister did a ton of decorating in my apartment for me. And helped me prep Christmas dinner.
Remember how I love to brine turkey? Of course I had to do that too. Two of the guests coming to dinner brought over turkeys in advance for me to prepare and cook. Just to illustrate how crazy this whole situation was, one of the turkeys had to be delivered a few hours after I got back from the surgery. I was completely out of it, still under the influence of the anesthesia and oxycontin. Completely loopy and delirious. I texted the girl that I did not know and had only met very briefly one time, and told her I left the door open for her, and explained my situation. This poor girl had the unenviable task of letting herself into an apartment she's never been to before, not knowing if I was awake or asleep, and put a turkey away. And there are two large dogs in the apartment. Who doesn't love the awkwardness of that situation?

How perfectly beautiful is that turkey? No basting. No roasting bag. Nothing. Just brined it. (I had already started to carve it when I stopped to take this picture.)

Well, thanks to the anti-inflammatory steroids, (which if you don't know is completely normal to be prescribed after surgery, the implant part is the unusual part), I was completely WIRED the first few days. We're talking I was up doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, cooking, decorating, etc. I couldn't see why I couldn't do everything in the whole wide world. I felt fine!
There was some pain. But I had plenty of painkillers to take care of that. I really thought I had lucked out! I felt better than ever before! Woohoo!
Many thanks must be given to Sam, Candace, Molly, and Tonya, for making dinner go so smoothly. Sick or well, I wouldn't have been able to do all of it by myself. And there were portions of the day where painkillers were very needed! By the end of the day, I had many physical reminders that I technically still have pneumonia and just had surgery. And I had no trouble pulling back and relaxing and sleeping. Prior to that, I hadn't been able to sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time for 2 nights. I was EXHAUSTED.

The melted snowman in my bathtub.

Besides the dinner, Christmas was very nice. I got to talk to every member of my family, and in a few cases open presents with them on Skype or FaceTime. We were all spread out all over the world this year, so none of us got to be together. It's nice to have free technology that keeps us together.
When I say I slept on Thursday, I mean it. Other than getting up to walk the dogs, I didn't do squat. I stayed in bed, watched Netflix, and slept. A lot. One of my friends brought over a humidifier for me that made it much easier to breathe and sleep! Bless her!
I kept thinking that I didn't feel like I had had surgery or pneumonia at all! I totally lucked out! (With the exception of the whole not sleeping thing.) 
On Friday I attended the wedding of one of my original YW. I've been looking forward to this wedding for a while now. She's been off at school in Idaho while planning a wedding in DC and Roanoke. I've enjoyed serving as a lifeline for her, helping to get different things in DC planned and organized. (Fun fact: I also helped her with her college homework. She would email me her papers to proofread and help with. I'm happy to say WE got an A in English. This is important to me because I didn't get an A in that class when I was the student.) You know how much I love my YW, and I'll be thrilled to attend all of them. But since I got to help with this one a bit, and it is the first one I got to attend (she's my second one to get married, the first one got married in Canada, so I didn't get to attend), so there's a special place in my heart for this one.
I ran into my uncle after the wedding and told him I had the surgery. He's had it twice before. He was surprised to see how well I looked and that I was out running about. He mentioned that he was out of commission a good ten days after his surgeries. I patted myself on the back, pleased that I was still doing so very well after the surgery.
It was probably just a few hours after that that I hit the wall. The figurative wall, not a literal one. Although, it truly feels like I ran face first into a literal way at this point.
I do believe all that fun energy the steroid implant was giving me is gone now. Because wow do I feel like crap. The last 2 days have been all about staying in bed with ice packs and painkillers. It's just plain awful.
I'm going with the fairly logical assumption that I don't feel as bad right now as I would have felt without the steroids earlier in the week. And I've healed up some obviously. I am so incredibly glad I didn't have to feel that bad, because this is bad enough. If I had had to feel worse than this all week, I don't know if I could have survived it. My coughing and pneumonia symptoms have also resurfaced.
In spite of just how easy last week felt, right now I can't forget that maybe I'm not the bionic woman, and maybe surgery and pneumonia take some time to heal from. It's not so fun feeling like you've been hit in the nose with a baseball bat.
But you know what is amazing? Being able to breathe through my nose and feeling the air hit places in my sinuses for the first time in years.
(Not so amazing: non-stop nosebleeds for a week that are apparently totally normal during this process)
So there you have it. My completely unconventional Christmas and surgery.
I'm going back to sleep now.

Relationships, or something like that.

As per custom, it is Sunday night, and I'm sitting around depressed thinking about men and relationships.
Here's a little scenario I've been mulling about in my mind-
A few weeks ago I had a strange experience. I went to a ward party where I was the invisible woman. I tried to talk to a few people, and spent a few minutes with one good guy friend. I noticed while he and I were standing up and talking that a line of girls formed up nearby. Nothing formal. Not a straight line. But little smatterings of girls here and there all watching us talk.
After a few minutes it hit me that they were all lining up politely, waiting for their chance to talk to this guy. He's one of the good ones- good job, good looking, good personality. I have no doubt that there are several girls with unrequited crushes on him.
I teased him about it, and he denied it. But it was obvious to me what was happening. The odds were about 8 girls to every guy. And that's just how it works- you have to "line up" or stand politely nearby and wait for a break in the conversation so you can jump in and talk to the good guys.
I left the ward party and went to the grocery store where I got hit on by 3 different men. One even offered to take my groceries to the car for me. A random guy just struck up a conversation with me about coconut shrimp.
It was a completely opposite experience from the one I had at the church party. I had gone from completely invisible and a total nobody, to guys making up pick up lines involving cereal boxes to talk to me.
Nothing about my personality, looks, outfit, demeanor, etc, had changed from the party to the grocery store. If anything I was grumpier at the store after the let-down of a ward party.
Today as I was looking around church, I had another one of those same experiences. After sacrament meeting was over I looked around for someone interesting to talk to. Yet again I spotted the huddles of women around the one sole good guy. I wanted to say hi to the same guy friend above, but there was a line of women nearby. I didn't bother to get in line. I was boring and went to class. I left church yet again having spoken only to one friend and feeling mostly invisible.
I got home from church and walked the dog. And immediately some guy walking to his car started chatting me up. Again I went from invisible to most popular with nothing more than a set change.
The longer I live, the more I think that the problem is that a Mormon guy meets a girl at church, and never has to worry that he might not see her again. He figures he can play it safe and interact with her at church a dozen times before "risking" picking her out of the pack for one-on-one time.
Whereas a guy in a store, on the street, or in a bar, he always thinks that he might not see the girl again. He's got to give her the full treatment and ask her out immediately, or it may never happen. It's the exact opposite of these Mormon guys who can literally stand in one place while the girls queue up for his attention. (Note: I know there is a guy just waiting to jump on this and complain that it doesn't happen to him like that. Let me add this disclaimer, I didn't say the guy likes the girls in his line. But that doesn't mean there isn't a line.)
So I'm me. You know I don't like to just sit and whine about it.
What can be done to help this situation? Is it just always going to be this way? Or is there something that can be done/taught to make it better or to change things? I'm lost.

I'll be really disappointed on my 40th birthday if my friends don't all give me cats.

They should try this in every singles ward everywhere

Women over 40 are "more likely to be killed by a terrorist" than find a husband.

(start the video at 38 seconds in)

Have you ever wondered about this statistic? 
Women over 40 are "more likely to be killed by a terrorist" than find a husband.

The now-infamous statistic from a 1986 Newsweek article (and Sleepless in Seattle) was about the poor marriage prospects of educated women older than 30. 

The truth is, it's sort of true, but mostly not. 

"The Marriage Crunch" was based on a study by Harvard and Yale researchers that projected college-educated women had a 20 percent chance of getting married if they were still single at 30, a 5 percent chance at age 35, and just a 2.6 percent chance at age 40. The article seemed to reinforce the most old-fashioned ideas of women's place in society, and both infuriated and struck fear into the hearts of women across the country.

Rather than go into all of the details regarding the misrepresentation of the facts in that original article, (enough credible news sources have already done that), I'll just stick to some more interesting and honest details on the likelihood of marriage at different ages. 

If you live in Nebraska, you're 30 percent more likely to get married than if you live in Washington, D.C. The capital is home to our nation's lowest marriage rate. At 24.9 percent, it's less than half the rates of 42 other states, including Idaho (57.3), Minnesota (54.1), West Virginia (55.1), and Nebraska (54.9). California has the second lowest, at 47.8 percent. Source: Marital Status: 2000: Census Brief

The report on first marriage in the USA by the National Center for Health Statistics found:

Based on interviews with a national survey sample of 12,571 men and women about their marriage history-

Although most men and women between ages 35 and 44 have married for the first time by 35, lower percentages of men have married than women. The survey found that 17% of women had not married for the first time by age 35, while 25% of men had not.

The probability of first marriage by age 30 is 74% for women and 61% for men.

At age 25, women have a 50-50 chance of being married for the first time; men have a 50-50 chance of being married by age 27.

Among those ages 25—44, 71% of men and 79% of women have ever been married.

The report, based on data from the National Survey of Family Growth, conducted in 2002 among ages 15-44, also includes socio-economic, racial and ethnic breakdowns. Overall, being poor is associated with greater proportions of men and women not marrying by age 35.

Regarding race and ethnicity for ages 25—44, the survey found lower percentages of black men and women who have ever been married compared with the same ages who are white or Hispanic. For women in that age group, whites have the highest percentage of ever being married (84%) while the lowest percentage is among blacks (56%).

Hispanic women have a higher probability of marriage by age 18 (10%) than white women (6%) or black women (3%).

5 guys, 5 minutes. What could possibly go wrong?

Arms Wide Open: a novella 

Lauren Brooks is in a rut, and her roomie is determined to yank her out of it by convincing her to participate in a local coffee shop's 5-in-5 speed dating event. Once she agrees, it takes her about 30 seconds to realize if there's an oddball out there looking for love, he'll find her. And creep her out. She confronts one weirdo after another until someone she used to know winds up in the same place, and she has to decide what she wants more: to make a break for it, or embrace the possibilities of another chance.

Fun Facts about Arms Wide Open:

Lauren Brooks is based on a real person...a real survivor.

Although the author doesn't name a city as the setting, she imagined it happening in a little shop by the pier in Old Town Alexandria, Virginia.

The eyeball guy, Rico Suave, and the amorous hipster are all based on actual dates the author suffered through.

Check out Arms Wide Open, a novella about taking a chance on love! 

About the author: Juli Caldwell is also the author of Psyched, a YA paranormal novel, and Beyond Perfection, a latter-day romance. She lives near the shores of the Great Salt Lake with her husband, two bookworm daughters, and a dog who sheds too much. She will love you forever if you like her facebook page and follow her on Twitter. Check her blog often for updates on upcoming books, contests, and giveaways from her and other amazing authors!

Why I Won't Date Him

I've done something today I've never done before in my 10 years of blogging here.
I've deleted the post that was here, but I've left up the comments.
I felt I was addressing a serious problem (the mistreatment of women), and in return I have been insulted in more ways than I can count (both on this blog and in an LDS mid-singles FB group).
Maybe I will re-address the issue some time but in a more carefully worded way. I will take the blame for the poor reception of the blog post because I was the writer. The fact that so many people thought this subject was open to mocking and insults tells me that I did not write it in a serious and factual enough context.
So if you came here looking for that blog post, sorry, it is gone.

Given enough Dr Pepper I could rule the world

A few days ago I decided I needed to revamp my social media consulting portfolio. Many of my past clients were so long ago that the work I did for them is no longer showing online. Time passes, things change, no big deal. And I felt like I was up to a good challenge, and wanted to flex a few marketing muscles. So I offered friends and family some free marketing services.
30 people responded!
That is a lot of work!
But I am up for it! I'm excited for it. I have a wide variety of clients, and it will give me the chance to really experiment, and test different ideas out. I've been working on another e-book about marketing, and I really want to test some of my theories, and a few of these free clients are perfect guinea pigs.
However, I really should have checked with the calender before I took on such a big task! My parents are visiting from the "Magic Kingdom" (our name for the foreign country they live in) for the month, there's a big holiday this week, plus I'm about to go off to girls camp for a week too!
Not exactly a lot of time in there to do consulting work for 30 people on top of my regular daily work that already keeps me plenty busy!
Oops!
Meh. Who needs sleep anyway? Not me! I just need more Dr Pepper!
But today I am mostly just happy because I've decided to go up to DC for the holiday and hang out with friends. I was just in the DC area on Monday, so this will mean a lot of driving for me that I'm not actually up to. But I am desperate and miserable for some social interaction with other singles! It has been rough and lonely in Roanoke lately. (If you couldn't tell from my depressing previous posts.) The drive and gas money will be worth it!
So I am going to bed (way too late tonight) a very happy camper. Lots of work, lots to do, and some of it is even fun stuff for me. I can live with that!
 

Back to Life, Back to Reality

I am home from vacation.
I don't want to be, but apparently you can't stay gone forever, no matter how hard you try.
This was my first non-working vacation in... so many year I can't remember the number. Sad, but true. I've always worked on vacation. This was my first time to ever attempt to not work. I have to admit, it's a pretty nice gig this whole vacationing thing. I'm going to have to try it again sometime. It only took me about 5 days to really get the hang of not working or being on an agenda. I liked it!
It was a wonderful week away. I made several great new friends that I really hope to be able to see again soon. The hardest part really was coming home and knowing that it may be another 6 months or a year before I get to socialize and make friends again. And that really depresses me!
I re-calibrated my priorities and ideals while I was gone as well. I had a few small wake-up calls that really helped put a few things into focus. It was a very good and healthy week for me.

Ignoring 50% of the Population

This past week I visited an LDS Church bookstore in Maryland. (In Utah and the rest of the "Jello Belt" these stores are common. Not so much on the East Coast.) I looked through the rows of books for something to jump out at me. There were books on deep, philosophical life questions, lots of books on parenting and "strengthening marriages," and oh so many books on how tough it is to be a teenager. Not one book on or for singles. Not one.
I wasn't surprised. Singles in this church are often overlooked and ignored. When you do find books, or talks, geared towards singles they are almost always about dating and how to get married. I can't think of one exception to this rule.
This is ridiculous.
There is a strongly held idea/rumor/belief that 50% of the adults in the Mormon church are single. After this experience at the bookstore, I wanted to see if that number is real, and I wanted to compare it against the general population.
In my stake there are roughly 1,143 singles, out of 1,714 "households." (For my non-Mormon readers, a "stake" is a geographic group of congregations known as wards. Usually a stake has about 8-10 wards in it. And most wards have about 300-500 members (adults and children).)
Using only the public rosters found online,  I counted up the number of households in the stake, and the number of "heads of household" that only list one adult. In general, if there is only one adult listed, it means that person is single.  If there are two names, it means married (duh). However, this is not a failproof system. If someone is married to a non-Mormon the spouse may or may not be listed. And then there is the age issue. Let's put it this way, my grandmother (age 88) is listed as a head of household, but I wouldn't consider her single. (I don't think she's looking to date or meet other singles at her age.) last but not least, if someone isn't all that active in church, his/her record/roster may not have been updated recently.
Now, going back to the stake demographics. 1,143 out of 1,714 households are listed with only one adult. Just to make this number more realistic, let's knock off 10% for just being wrong or poorly updated records. (Why 10%? I looked at my personal congregation, and that is the number of incorrect records I could spot instantly.) That brings us to roughly 1,029 people. Now let's take off 20% for being over 60 years old. This is Roanoke, so that number is probably low. We have a LOT of old people here. That brings us to 829 people.  (If we used the number of "old" people in my own ward as a guide, we'd be knocking off more than 50%.) And then I'm all for knocking off 29 people for being married to a non-Mormon and not falling into one of the previous categories (most likely the ineptly updated records category). Leaving us with a clean number of 800. Which is roughly 47% of the adults in the Roanoke stake, are actually single.
Let's repeat that. 47% of the adults in the Roanoke stake are single.
This is in a town where most people would tell you (or at least, it's what they tell me) we don't have any singles, besides me, and one or two other people.

Inside the mind of ErinandJuli

The following are almost all of the posts my BFF Jules has left on my Facebook page in the past few months.

And what did I leave on her Facebook page?

I'm sensing a theme here...
And glad I have a BFF who gets me. 

Hey You! Check out my new novels, "You Heard It Here First" and the sequel "This Just In!"

In which I drive 600 miles just to amuse myself in a hot pink dress

At some point on Friday I realized I had nothing to do this weekend. As in, not one real dang thing. I tried to entertain myself by going to see "Men in Black III" (which did not disappoint at all). But I was still faced with 2-3 days of nothing. 

As always my summer schedule is ridiculous. Starting with this upcoming weekend I am booked every single weekend for the next 2 straight months. Two singles conferences (one I am attending, one I am speaking at), youth conference, girls camp, the Faith and Freedom coalition, family reunions, and my parents visiting, are just some of the activities I have going on in June and July. (And I'm still trying to find a way to get myself to the GOP Convention in Tampa in August.) I mean, who needs sleep and free time, right?

So naturally, faced with busy, crazy weekends for the next 8 weeks, I figured, hey, what they heck, I should drive to DC and have a little fun this weekend, right?

And so I did. I needed to do some shopping (and I did), visit my sister (and I did), visit some wonderful friends (and I did), and there was a singles party concert thing (and I went). It was completely insane to make a last second trip up there and then come right back, and I am EXHAUSTED for it today. But it was worth it.

It met my goal of doing something social and meeting people for the week.  And I got to see some of the most beautiful Virginia countryside. If you have never had the pleasure of driving along the back roads of Central Virginia (also known as horse country and hunt country), you are just missing out. It really does not get more beautiful than that part of the world.

Speaking of shopping-
I found a cute, long, blue maxi dress that I really liked. It came in 4 colors, but only in my size in hot pink. I have made it a personal choice to never wear hot pink. Why? Because my blond hair stands out enough. And there's just something about blonds in hot pink I never care for. Some girls can pull it off, but I'm just not one of them, in my opinion. You just stand out way too much. WAY too much! But I had convinced myself I needed this dress. Therefore, I bought it in hot pink. And sure enough, I got more comments about wearing pink, and looking like a Barbie doll in one night than I have had on any outfit I have ever worn in my life. I ended up wearing it to church today because I was running massively late. (Normally I would not consider it to be nice enough for church.) And AGAIN with the comments. (But all of the 12 yr old girls were in agreement that they liked it. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing though.)

And yet, not one person commented on the fact that I cut 4 inches off my hair!!

Let it be known, I am retiring the dress, and resuming my no hot pink mantra.

Relationships and Baggage

If you don't want to read about relationships, communication, and baggage, you will want to skip this post.

When I think about relationships back in my much simpler 20s, I think of how easy they were, and how easy they came to be. It was simple- you met a guy, sparks flew, you went on a few dates, and ta da! you were a couple. You didn't have to worry too much about if they had baggage or issues to deal with. For the most part, the younger you were, the fewer issues people had. But as we got older we all experienced different things. We all started picking up habits, bad experiences, and expectations. We all gained just a few more things to throw into our baggage that we haul around.
Then we reached our 30s and beyond. Where dating is no longer about meeting and sparks flying. If you are so lucky as to have a few sparks fly (I miss that! When did that stop happening?), you don't move straight into dating and coupledom. Now you move into learning about each other's baggage. You may go on a date, you may not. But somehow you still have a "person of interest" in your life, and all you are doing is learning to work with their baggage and issues. You are waiting to see if you can handle this problem, or if they can move past that problem. You start to weigh the pro's and cons from a different angle. You ask yourself if their behaviors are dealbreakers. You wonder if they can handle your baggage and issues. You wonder if you have complementary or clashing baggage.
Then one day you realize you have baggage too, and what is wrong with this person that they are with you when you have such issues? And you wonder why they haven't mentioned your baggage at all- are they too self-absorbed? Clueless? WHY? And then there is the opposite of that- the person who comments constantly on your issues. Are they trying to help? Fix? Or make you feel bad about yourself?
But the worst is when you meet someone who has serious issues, and yet appears to be oblivious to them. You learn to stay far, far away from that type.
Your married since their early 20s and even their teens friends just don't get it. They don't understand what is so complicated about dating. You just meet and there is chemistry, right? Oh how you wish it was still that easy.
And then you have days where you wonder if it can still be that easy? Are those relationships still possible after your 20s? Somewhere there is some naive person saying yes. I'll bet anything that person hasn't been in the dating world in at least a decade. There's also a very hopeful romantic who really wants the answer to be yes, not realizing that his or her baggage includes "impossible expectations."
I'd love to go back to when the hardest part about dating was that a really nice guy had brown eyes but I preferred blue. I'd love it if I didn't have to wonder just how much time I should invest in an emotionally difficult guy, before it is a waste of my time. (Although, I'm starting to think the answer is "all of the time.") More importantly, I wish I could go back in time to where I didn't know emotionally difficult men, and they were all just fun and entertaining. I'd love it if I didn't find myself thinking, "Could I live with this problem for the rest of my life?" every time I meet a guy.
Be patient with your single friends. Dating and relationships are not the fun and games that they used to be. Now you practically need a psychology degree to survive a first date!