The One That Got Away

Once upon a time, a long time ago...
I was on a lunch date, nowhere near home, with a guy I was either dating at the time, or had recently been friend-zoned by. I can't remember if we were actively dating at that point in time or not. We were not near my home or his home; this part is significant. Out of nowhere, my date said, "Someone is looking at you. I think he's about to come up..." And sure enough, someone tapped me on the shoulder right then.
Much to my surprise, it was The One Who Got Away (TOWGA)several years earlier. Not only was it TOWGA, but he lived overseas. When I say this was incredibly unexpected, I really mean it! I hadn't seen him in years (because he lived overseas). How and what he was doing there nowhere near anything relevant, I have no idea. But nonetheless, he was there.
I was so surprised to see him that I managed to forget his name, plus my date's name. Seriously. Forgot both guys' names at the same time. TOWGA and I had known each other (very well) for about 13 years at that point. My date and I had been something undefined and still unclear for about a year.
In other words, I shouldn't have forgotten their names. But I did.
I was completely caught off-guard and went totally tongue-tied. The guys were left to introduce themselves to each other. It was awkward.
But then it got funny. Or at least in hindsight it was funny. At the time it was just awkward.
The two guys sized each other up and did some classic posturing and peacocking. I mostly stood there trying to figure out how and why TOWGA was in the middle of nothing relevant, and not in a foreign country. Conversation was briefly made, but not made well.
I finally took a deep breath and took a good look at TOWGA. He looked just the way I remembered him- always in need of a haircut 2 weeks ago, and wearing a slightly off-beat suit and shoes. He never wore typical, conservative suits. He gravitated more towards colors and the nutty professor look. (Not that he knew it.) I always liked his not traditional look. He wasn't much taller than me, blonde, and had a charming smile that always made you wonder what he was really up to.
It took all of two seconds to remember everything I ever liked about him. He and I technically never dated. But the feelings and emotions regarding him are as if I had. It's open conversation between us that we never dated, but always thought we would someday. I liked him, he had a girlfriend, he liked me, I had a boyfriend, etc. I dated his friends, he dated mine. We just never got the timing right. We've gone on a few dates, about 5 years apart usually. We have a wonderfully close and caring relationship. Like I said, he's The One Who Got Away. He's a good guy who will always hold a special place in my heart, and I wouldn't be embarrassed if he read this. (I'm pretty sure he already knows.)
But then I looked over at my actual lunch date. He was also wearing a slightly off-beat suit. In fact, both guys were wearing olive green tweed jackets over brown pants, with a tie. And they had on the same exact shoes- burgundy/mahogany loafers. They were the same height, with rakish blond hair.
And that's when it hit me.
I have a type.
I didn't know I had a type right until that very moment. 20+ years of dating and I had no idea I had a type. In fact, the similarities didn't end there. Both guys love sci-fi, tabletop/board gaming, can best anyone in fantasy trivia, and have an interesting political viewpoint.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized how many guys I've been involved with that meet that description. In fact, the overall majority sound exactly like that. There are a few odd exceptions, but for the most part, all my men have been sci-fi/fantasy nerds, loved board games, knew way too much about superheroes, and liked politics.
For a few days, maybe even weeks, that epiphany bothered me. Until one day when I realized, that wasn't a bad way to describe me too. I love sci-fi/fantasy, I rock at tabletop/board games, love ALL pop culture trivia (particularly superheroes), and love politics.
Is it so wrong that I tend to gravitate towards men I share these things in common with? I don't think so.
But here's my point-
It took me over 20 years of dating to realize I have a type. After 20 years of dating I still have a few things to learn. I haven't mastered dating yet, and probably never will. And that's all fine and good, but what does realizing I have a type mean for me?
Well, in my case, I took a step back and realized something. This type of guy is always fun, and I am always drawn to him. But after 15 years of finding myself with that kind of guy, maybe it's time to accept that while he's fun, the relationships never work out. Maybe I should be looking for something different? But then, is it my type that isn't working? Or is it something else? (And there are a lot of something elses it could be.)
It's something to think about. Which means that now, after 24 years of dating, I still have more to learn.


Oh, and for the record, I think maybe someday I will label the guy that was my lunch date as The Other One Who Got Away. Our relationship never really took off for a variety of reasons, but it had its moments. He was/is a great guy that I have few negative things to say about. Our friendship continues, although the romance is dead. But things continue to evolve there, and I'm not sure how I will label him in the future. It could go many ways. Only time will tell.
(The highlight of that crazy lunch though was watching him pretend not to be jealous, while being obviously, incredibly jealous. It made me realize that maybe he liked me more than he ever let on.)

Not All Knights in Shining Armor Remember to Wear Shining Armor

I pride myself on being a fairly self-sufficient individual. I support myself. I can cook, bake, and decorate a nice home. I’ve made sure to also learn those less feminine skills that gender roles designate are more of a masculine duty, like changing the oil in my car, fixing a flat tire, or jumping the car battery.

I’ve never wanted to be a burden on anyone. And as a single woman, I find it wise and prudent to be able to do most things myself and not need to call for help for every little thing. And if I can’t do it myself (I admit, I have a few limitations) I make sure there is enough money to hire someone who can. I admit it, I hate to ask for help.

But even the best laid plans of a determined, fiercely independent woman sometimes things go awry. And from these SNAFUs we often learn our greatest lessons.

When It All Goes Wrong

So there I was, ready to hit the road with friends for a ski trip. Now, let me explain what this entails for all of you western U.S. types. Ski resorts in this part of the world can often be found in remote locations, and not just twenty minutes up the nearest canyon. In our case, it was a good three hours away, in a far off state park in a different state, and to say it was in “the sticks” wouldn’t be wrong.

We hit the road at six in the morning, most of us operating on less than five hours of sleep. We stopped on our way out of town to pick up one more friend out in the suburbs. We passed by a gas station that always brings up mixed emotions for me. It was the worst day of my life the last time I was at that gas station, and just the sight of it makes me choke up. It was a place where a few years ago I realized my life had officially hit rock bottom. I’ll forgo the details of what rock bottom looks like. But I’ll say this much- rock bottom is an awful and horrible place.

Worst Day Ever

But that gas station was also the place where two important events happened in my life. The first was that I learned how to accept and appreciate the true kindness and charity of strangers who correctly suspected I had hit rock bottom and helped me. The second was I learned how to ask a friend for help, and accept his generous assistance. Allowing my friend to see me in such an awful situation taught me a new level of humility and honesty. But his willingness to help me before even knew what the problem was, taught me what a good man can be. So when my skiing buddies and I passed by that poignant little gas station, my heart filled with gratitude and memories yet again.

Little did I know what the day ahead held for us, or else I would have considered staying behind at that gas station.

We passed the gas station and drove on. It was less than an hour later that I looked in the rear view of the 1997 Suburban I was driving and saw clouds of white steam pouring out the back. I should add here that I normally don’t drive this jalopy. It’s on loan to me while my much younger car gets an expensive transmission and clutch repaired. I’m incredibly grateful for the loaner jalopy, even though the rest of this story may make you wonder why.

Other cars quickly started to flag me down as the small cloud of steam turned into a massive cloud of steam. I exited the highway, with the other car of friends, following right behind. Of course, I managed to pull off on the one exit on that highway that doesn’t have a gas station, let alone any sort of business or dwelling, anywhere in sight.

Admittedly, I had no idea how to handle the situation. Steam pouring from the front and back of the car at the same time was not something I’ve experienced before. I was lost. And I felt horrible because it was obvious I was about to ruin the day for my friends.

Never Trust a Jalopy, Always Trust Men in Carhartts

10 Myths About Mormons and Gays

In December 2012, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced the launch of a new website, MormonsAndGays.org. The site was designed in an effort to encourage understanding and civil conversation about same-sex attraction, and to dispel myths regarding the Mormon Churchs stance on same-sex attraction.

But eighteen months after the launch of the site, many Church members are not aware of the site, and still get many facts wrong about the Churchs official positions. Entitled, Love One Another: A Discussion on Same-Sex Attraction, the site features a number of videos from people who share real experiences from their own perspectives on what can be a divisive and emotionally charged topic.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Churchs Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, “Because we dont understand everything about this subject it is wise to stick to the revealed word of God as found in the scriptures. What we do know is that the doctrine of the Churchthat sexual activity should only occur between a man and a woman who are marriedhas not changed and is not changing. But what is changing and what needs to change is to help our own members and families understand how to deal with same-gender attraction.”

“As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate,” Elder Quentin L. Cook said. “Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Lets not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender.”

There are still many misunderstandings and myths regarding same-sex attraction. Sadly, these misconceptions can be very harmful to others. The following myths are all corrected on MormonAndGays.org or Mormon Newsroom. The information provided below is not paraphrased, but are direct quotes from the site, with the name of the General Authority that said it, or the section title on the site, or linked to articles on Mormon Newsroom.

Myth #1: Same-sex attraction is a sin.

Same-sex attraction is a reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Its important to remember a few things that people dont always understand or remember. And that is that homosexual behavior is not the unforgiveable sin. The atonement and repentance can bring full forgiveness there, and peace. And secondly, Id say though we dont know everything we know enough to be able to say that same-sex attraction in and of itself is not a sin. The feeling, the desire is not classified the same as homosexual behavior itself. And the third point I would mention is that when people have those desires and same-sex attractions, our attitude is “stay with us.” I think thats what God is saying “Stay with me.” And thats what we want to say in the Church: “Stay with us.”- Elder D. Todd Christofferson.

Myth #2: Same-sex attraction is a choice.

Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the Church reaches out to all Gods children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.

No one fully knows the root causes of same-sex attraction. Each experience is different. Latter-day Saints recognize the enormous complexity of this matter. “Being True to Religious Beliefs“

“Thats where our doctrine comes into play. The Church does not have a position on the causes of any of these susceptibilities or inclinations, including those related to same-gender attraction. Those are scientific questions whether nature or nurture those are things the Church doesnt have a position on.” Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “Interview with Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman: Same-Gender Attraction.”

“Whether it is nature or nurture really begs the important question, and a preoccupation with nature or nurture can, it seems to me, lead someone astray from the principles that Elder Oaks has been describing here. Why somebody has a same-gender attraction who can say? But what matters is the fact that we know we can control how we behave, and it is behavior which is important.” Elder Lance Wickman, “Interview with Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman: Same-Gender Attraction.“

Myth #3: Gay is a disease.

We recognize in each other our common needs for intimacy and companionship and can discuss them without shame or rejection. Attraction to those of the same sex, however, should not be viewed as a disease or illness. Elder Christofferson.

Myth #4: The Church has changed its position on same-sex attraction.

There shouldnt be a perception or an expectation that the Churchs doctrines or position have changed or are changing. Its simply not true, and we want youth and all people to understand that. The doctrines that relate to human sexuality and gender are really central to our theology. And marriage between a man and a woman, and the families that come from those marriages thats all central to Gods plan and to the opportunities that He offers to us, here and hereafter. – Elder Christofferson.

What You Need to Know About Dating, Mormons, and The Rules

“The Rules.” A mythical book of rules for women and dating. According to legend, if you follow their thirty rules for courtship and dating, the man you have always dreamed of will ask you out, woo you, treat you like the queen you are, and eventually propose. But only if you keep to their rules. Their very strict rules.

For the purposes of this article we will be referring to Not Your Mother’s Rules: the New Secrets for Dating, published in 2013. And not the more archaic original.

There are women who swear by The Rules. Others who laugh it off and mock it. There are men who doubt its existence. Others who are oblivious to them. Men who despise them. And then there are the Southern women who just call it common sense.

I’ve read “The Rules” (both the original and updated) a few times. I’ve followed The Rules at times. I’ve broken every single one of The Rules at times. I can see the arguments from both sides. And I’ve heard the laments from the men.

But lately I have wondered if The Rules really work for Mormon women in a singles ward?

Let me explain.

In my mid-singles ward there is/was a consistent 3:1 ratio. Three women for every man. Three beautiful and talented women for every single man. And not all of those men are looking to date. Plain and simple, it can feel like a competition to get the attention of the good guys and get a date. The women feel like they have no choice but to be proactive, invite the guys over, flaunt what they got, and make sure they are noticed and remembered.

All of this goes against the teachings of The Rules. And I can’t help but wonder, if Mormon girls in singles wards changed their approach, and followed The Rules, would there be more dating and relationships?

The Rules

1. Be a Creature Unlike Any Other
2. Look Like a Creature Unlike Any Other
3. Don’t Talk to or Text to a Guy First
4. Don’t Ask Guys Out by Text, Facebook, etc.
5. Don’t Sit or Stand Next to a Guy First or Flirt First
6. Wait at Least Four Hours to Answer a Guy’s First Text (and then 30 minutes thereafter)
7. TTYL: Always End Everything First
8. Don’t Answer Texts or Anything Else after Midnight
9. Rarely Write on His Wall and Other Rules for Social Networking Sites
10. Stay Away From His Facebook Profile
11. Don’t Email a Guy First and Keep it Brief
12. Make Yourself Invisible and Other Ways to Get Out of Instant Messaging
13. Don’t Talk Too Much in the First Few Weeks
14. Don’t Just Hang Out or See Him 24/7
15. Let Him Suggest Skype and Visit You More in a Long-Distance Relationship
16. Don’t Lose Your Friends Because You’re So Obsessed with a Guy
17. Don’t Introduce a Guy to Anyone First, Invited Him Anywhere First, or Friend His Friends First
18. Don’t Write to Guys First, Ignore Winks, and Other Rules for Online Dating
19. Don’t Pay for Dinner or Buy His Love in Any Way
20. Don’t Choose a College or Job or Relocate Because of a Guy
21. Don’t Get Wasted on Dates or at Parties, So You Don’t Say or Do Anything You’ll Regret
22. Buyer Beware… Weeding Out Bad Guys (Cheaters, Addicts, Players, and Time Wasters)
23. Don’t Be Self-Destructive by Dating Married, Unavailable, and Other Mixed-Messages Guys
24. Stop Dating a Guy Who Cancels More than Once
25. Don’t Send a Guy Anything You Wouldn’t Want Him to Have If You Broke Up
26. Don’t Accept Booty Calls or Meaningless Hookups
27. Wait Before Sleeping with a Guy
28. Don’t Put on the Freshman 15, Go to the Gym, and Other Rules for Looking Good at Every Age
29. Wait for a Guy to Follow You on Twitter First and Rarely Return Tweets
30. Don’t Date Indefinitely without a Commitment

(A few of The Rules don’t quite apply to Mormon culture obviously. So we’ll skip over and ignore those.)

Do The Rules apply or work for women in a singles ward where the ratio of women to men can be staggeringly not in their favor? Where just getting to talk in the hallway to a man can feel like a weekly competition? And Sunday dinners and taking a plate of brownies over to a guy you like is an expected commonplace occurrence?

Or is it possible that The Rules are what we need to help spur more dating, and less hanging out and waiting for something better to come along?

Where’s Waldo?

In my most recent mid-singles ward we had about 400 people attending on an average Sunday. With 5 Sunday School classes, an overflowing sacrament meeting, 2 Relief Societies, and 2 Elders Quorums, it can feel like an Olympic event just to find your best friend to sit with. You can meet a new person, have a fabulous conversation with them, and then it may be months before you spot the person at church again. There are so many people in our ward it can feel like Where’s Waldo in there week after week.

So when The Rules suggest that a woman should never instigate a conversation, or angle herself into the seat beside his, invite him over first, etc., it might seem like a really bad strategy. How else will a guy ever notice you in a sea of other women, if you don’t help him out a bit? He may truly never see her in the crowd.

It’s a tough call to make. I’ve been a Rules Girl, and I’ve been the anti-Rules Girl. I’ve asked out men, and I’ve patiently waited and wished for a man to ask me out. And here’s what I can tell you- The Rules do work. Even when it might feel like they don’t.

But I’m not here to try and convert every woman over to The Rules. It’s a choice.

The Argument in Favor of The Rules 

Praying for the One: You

God gives all of His children equal opportunities for happiness through the Atonement. He is our Heavenly Father, and like all fathers, He doesnt love one child more than another. Of this, there is no argument. He wants us to be happy.

And yet, we forget this easy to accept principle when it comes to seeking an eternal companion. We make it into something difficult and complicated. Many of us allow the idea to creep into our minds that there must be a “saved,” certain, special someone out there for us. We believe that there are trials and tribulations to be endured so that we can meet the One.

Have we made the “search” for love that much harder on ourselves by creating and building up this idea that there is only one person who can make us eternally happy? (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes.)

A friend of mine made a very insightful and interesting comment regarding the search for an eternal companion. “Its hard to believe or understand that a loving Father who answers when I pray that I have enough gas in the car to make it to payday, or protects me when my car breaks down, doesnt have an opinion on who I marry.”

I sat and thought upon that idea for a while. Shes right. It does seem hard to fathom that the God who helps me with something as trivial as finding missing car keys, doesnt have a stake in my potential mate.

But then it hit me.

My roommate is wrong. And so was I.

Theres a very huge difference in having the faith that the Lord will help me find the missing keys, or will get my jalopy home, and saying He has an opinion or an interest in me finding the car keys. When I find those keys, it is because I had the faith to be led to find them. Its an answer to a prayer. And while the scriptures are very in-depth, detailed, and written to be applied in all time periods, Ive yet to find a verse that says, “look under the couch.”

But in comparison, there are dozens of scriptures, both ancient and modern-day, that tell us where to marry, how to marry, and who to marry. They just leave out the specific name of the person, and what day and where to meet him. But thats okay. Thats where faith comes in.

Consider this advice from Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist. It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make” (in Conference Report, Sept.Oct. 1955, 13).

How to Fellowship the Singles

We live in a world where married couples far outnumber singles, or at least it feels like they do. And then at Church they really do outnumber and overshadow the singles. This is a wonderful thing! Thank goodness there are so many marriages and families. However, walking into church week after week not sure who you’re going to sit with while observing a sea of heads resting on shoulders and hands being held can immediately make a single feel like the odd man out. The singleton who wants to marry and loves the Gospel experiences a wide range of emotions in regards to this particular season of life. At one’s deepest core, one desires to be loved (as we all do). No one wants to feel excluded, singled out, or left out. 

And yet, even at church, the one place we truly seek (and expect) to be loved and included, it is very easy to be left out, excluded, and misunderstood. The language used at church often excludes the singles inadvertently. Conversations leave out singles because married people apparently forget how to talk to a person who doesn’t have a spouse, as if they weren’t once single themselves. Singles leave the Church every day because people ignore them, instead of just saying hello.

Here are four ways you can better embrace, love, include, and fellowship, and speak to the singles in your ward.

Affirm, Validate, and Encourage. Don’t Assume or Attempt to Fix.

Everyone likes to be encouraged. Everyone should be encouraged! Affirming and building one another up is something we are called to do for each other. This is a call that applies to every person you are in relationship with, not just singles. Affirm and validate their choices to be at church. Affirm and validate their hard work. Affirm and validate their service to the community, church, and their family. Affirm all good decisions. And if you don’t know what good decisions they may be making, get to know them well enough so that you can. Singles often struggle with their choices and decisions because their life lacks validation. (I want to stop myself here and point out that validation is a terrible word to describe this. I don’t mean they want someone to pat them on the back and tell them they do everything right. But married couples, and those who live with their families, have other people in their lives who help with decision-making, and other people who have a vested interest in the job, decisions, and choices of another person. Singles are very much alone in this respect. There is often no one with a vested interest in their lives. No one who cares about a good or bad day. And no one to give heartfelt advice on tough decisions.) There isn’t another person with a vested interest in what he or she does, which makes some decisions a lot easier to make and others really difficult. Be there for your single friends and family, offer advice, and affirm and validate their choices.

Assumptions about why a person is still single can be very hurtful. Marriage is not a goal, it is a gift. It is a calling and/or gift that is not extended to all. There are many singles who remain single for no specific or obvious reason. When someone wonders why they are not yet married (especially women) the last thing s/he wants is for someone to take a magnifying glass to her heart to diagnose its condition. What the person really wants is compassion, comfort, and love.

Unless you have been specifically asked by the person to help fix them, it isn’t your job to do so. We are all called to serve and sharpen one another and [as the Lord leads] encourage one another toward a Gospel-centered life. But we all have the right to choose to be who we are and be held accountable for our own choices, not the choices of others forced upon us. Under no circumstance should we try to “fix” each other as it takes away accountability. Love, affirm, validate, and encourage instead of criticize and fix.

There are all kinds of people who are married. Ugly people, smart people, stupid people, people with really bad teeth and hair, people with good jobs, people without jobs, people with bad credit, people with big bank accounts, people with divorces, people who have never been kissed. Sometimes it feels like people will marry just about anyone these days- except for “me.” Which tells me that there is no such thing as “marriage material.” Resist the urge to “fix” your single friends. (Unless it is to give a few helpful hints regarding fashion, halitosis, and/or body odors.)

Singles spend far too much time comparing themselves to married people and wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” “How did he convince a woman to go out with him, let alone marry him, and I can’t?” So why would you want to add to their burdens with your criticisms and critiques.

What a loving Father in Heaven wants His children to know is that they are loved and are of great worth. “The worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” There is no clarifier on that that says, “The worth of married people is greater than single people, especially the singles over 30.” When others (in an effort to help) fill a single’s head with a lot of “maybe this is why you are single,” it only makes the person feel of less worth.

And while I am at it, please stop calling single men a ‘menace to society.’ Chances are you are taking the quote completely out of context and using it wrong, degrading and insulting the thousands of very good single men in the Church.

Ask and Be Willing to Receive

Some of this will depend on the personality of the single person in your life, so proceed with caution. But there are few things I can share with you that come from such a raw and humble place in my heart.

Singles, by their very status in life, are alone. There are few people in their lives that they can share things with. They often live far from their families. Roommates aren’t always close friends or confidantes. Their other single friends are often similarly burdened. Singles are, whether they want to be or not, a very isolated island.

To be remembered and acknowledged in even just the simplest of ways can make a world of difference. A simple “how was work” text, or comment on a Sunday, can mean everything to a person who never gets asked how their day was, and doesn’t have another person to share their life with. Sometimes it is the littlest things that can make the biggest difference.

I’m not afraid to admit that my favorite reason for working with the youth and primary is all of the hugs. I live alone. I can go for weeks without any physical touch from another person. The unsolicited, uninhibited hugs from my “little friends” in the primary and youth program, are often the only touches I will get for months. When a “little friend” draws me a picture it can make my whole month just to think that someone thought of me for a brief moment. Remember how lonely and isolated a single person can be next time you have the chance to sit with one. Reach out and include them. You may never know how much they needed to be noticed that day.

Include and Embrace

Every time a Relief Society teacher says, “What can we do as mothers…” a childless woman gets knocked down again. This includes the single women. Re-evaluate your words and the real intent of the lesson, and include every member of your ward. Each member is of great worth. Not just the parents, and not just the married ones. Couldn’t the question as easily have been, “What can we do as women?”

When you plan ward activities, are you remembering to include ALL of the members of your ward, including the singles? Or are the activities so family-centered that the singles are excluded? There are lots of ways to plan activities that are fun for small children that don’t unintentionally exclude the adults without children.

When speaking to the youth about the different phases of their adult lives, don’t leave out the single phase. When asking special guests to come speak to the youth, ask for the input of a single adult as well. Chances are good that fifty percent of the youth will go inactive in the Church if they are not married by age twenty-five. If they were to see how the Church still applies to them by seeing and hearing more from single adults, would they stay active? And will that single adult feel more included and appreciated?

Do Not Use If/Then Statements

There may be nothing that irks me more than when I am told, “It’s when you let go and are ok with being single that you’ll meet someone.” Or “Relationships happen when you least expect them.” If either one of these platitudes were true, I’d have met a dozen men a dozen times over by now. Where it may have happened to you or your child or sister or brother this way, it’s just not a concrete fact. A loving, merciful Heavenly Father doesn’t use reverse psychology on His children and He certainly doesn’t employ complicated dating formulas for us to figure out and follow.

Contentment doesn’t bring about blessings, willingness to submit to the Father’s will does. By telling a single person that they need to be cool with being single before they can be married, you have (most likely unintentionally) encouraged them to live according to a “works-based” mentality. Ideas and beliefs like this create a manipulative relationship with God. (If I pay my tithing today, I’ll get a raise tomorrow. I better read extra scriptures tonight so that I get an A on my exam. I got a flat tire because I missed church yesterday.) What is more helpful, is to lovingly encourage a single in his/her relationship with the Gospel. Share with her how He has proven himself enough for you personally in difficult seasons of life. (You would be surprised just how well single women relate to the emotions of infertility.)

Fellowship the Singles

Include, love, embrace, and speak to the singles. Your simple actions of just saying hello and asking someone how they are doing can help not just make someone’s day brighter, but also help keep that person in the Church.

Do not forget your singles. Fellowship them. Don’t let them disappear because you didn’t speak up.

Finding the Positive in the Opposite Sex

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the opposite sex. I had an epiphany that had never occurred to me before: It’s almost always a disappointment with the opposite sex.

First, let me start out by making this one thing clear. This post is not a “down with men” or “down with love” sort of diatribe. Far from it. I am a woman writing about her feelings and experiences with the opposite sex. This could just as easily be written from a man’s point of view. At least, I think men might feel this way too. I’m not sure. And that’s why I’m putting this out there to spark some thoughts and conversations on the subject.

After twenty-plus years of dating, I’ve become jaded of sorts. My expectations have been lowered significantly on the romance front. The twenty year old version of me dreamed of the day her crush would ask her out and bring a dozen roses to her on the doorstep. The 40 year old version of me has never had a man bring her roses on a date, and is impressed when a guy actually offers to pick her up, and doesn’t suggest she take public transit to meet him somewhere. Actually, the older version of me is just impressed when a man asks her out. That’s about all it takes to impress her now. Sometimes, even less.

After years and years of being single, I’ve been disappointed over and over again. I’ve lowered my expectations considerably. Oh I still have high hopes, but reality keeps them in check.

Nearly all of my experiences with the opposite sex have had negative returns. Even the good guys have left a bad impression at some point in time. The once great boyfriends eventually broke my heart. Whether it’s an unrequited crush, cat calls from a man on the street, a bad breakup, most of the experiences I have with men are not positive.

There are a few good guy friends out there. And occasionally I’ve had a decent home teacher or two. (I mention this only for the sake that I know someone will bring it up in the comments section.) But these positive social interactions with the opposite sex are the minority of my experiences, not the majority.

My experiences with my own sex are different. We laugh, joke, share, and commiserate together. For the most part my experiences with my own sex is very positive. (In other words, it’s not me. I do have positive relationships.) These are not the experiences I frequently or regularly have with the opposite sex. The positive experiences I have with men are getting farther and fewer between.

And I worry about that.

I worry that my little heart will build bigger defenses, higher walls, and tougher callouses with every additional negative experience to the point that no one will ever be able to get past them. You have to have a “strong center,” or “be mentally strong,” “have thick skin,” etc., when it comes to attempting to befriend the opposite sex. Or at least that’s what my guy friends tell me. But that’s the problem. I’m jaded and calloused when it comes to men breaking my heart. I expect it now. (Reality over hopes.) But really, the heart under those callouses is soft and tender.

In the long run, can all of these negative experiences be good? We need the positive experiences. We need to seek them out and find them. We need to start to like them again, and not just associate them with bad experiences. Otherwise, my heart may turn into one gigantic callous. And that just sounds gross.

I know I’m not alone. And I know this isn’t all one-sided. Maybe all those tough manly men won’t admit to it, but I think they suffer from the same afflictions.

How can we expect anyone to couple up and fall in love if they never have positive experiences with the opposite sex? How can we even expect them to bother to look at or speak to each other?

Consider this my challenge to you- be kind to the opposite sex. Ask someone on a date. Do something fun and positive with a member of the opposite sex so that they have a reason to believe that there are still “good ones” out there. Surprise someone with a card or a call. Invite someone to go for a walk. Take them a plate of cookies. Give a member of the opposite sex a reason to smile. Just this one time, don’t worry that you will lead them on or give them the wrong idea. Just worry that maybe you haven’t done your part lately to give the opposite sex hope or a smile. Because wouldn’t you like someone to do that for you?

The Opposite Sex

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my feelings and experiences with the opposite sex. I had an epiphany that has never remotely occurred to me before.

It’s disappointment with the opposite sex.

First, let me start out by making this one thing clear. This post is not a “down with men” or “down with love” sort of diatribe. Far from it. I am a woman writing about her feelings and experiences with the opposite sex. This could just as easily be written from a man’s point of view. At least, I wonder if men feel this way too. I’m not sure. And that’s why I’m putting this out there to spark some thoughts and conversations on the subject.

After twenty-plus years of dating, I’ve become jaded of sorts. My expectations have been lowered significantly on the romance front. The twenty year old version of me dreamed of the day her crush would ask her out and bring a dozen roses to her on the doorstep. The 39 year old version of me has never had a man bring her roses on a date, and is impressed when a guy actually offers to pick her up, and doesn’t suggest she take public transit to meet him somewhere. Actually, the older version of me is just impressed when a man asks her out. That’s about all it takes to impress her now.

After years and years of being single, I’ve been disappointed over and over again. I no longer expect much. Oh I still have high hopes, but they are kept in check with a heavy dose of reality.

Nearly all of my experiences with the opposite sex have had negative returns. Even the good guys have left a bad impression at some point in time. Whether it’s an unrequited crush, cat calls from a man on the street, a bad breakup, or the guy at church yesterday who said to me, “why would anyone ever want your opinion?” most of the experiences I have with men are not positive.

My experiences with my own sex are different. We laugh, joke, share, and commiserate together. These are not experiences I have with the opposite sex. The positive experiences I have with men are getting far and few between.

And I worry about that.

I worry that my heart will build bigger defenses, higher walls, and tougher callouses when it comes to the opposite sex. You have to have a “strong center,” or “be mentally strong,” “have thick skin,” etc., when it comes to attempting to befriend the opposite sex.

In the long run, can all of these negative experiences be good? We need the positive experiences. We need to seek them out and find them. We need to start to like them again, and not just associate them with bad experiences. 

God is No Respecter of Persons

Let me present you with an idea*, deeply based in doctrine, that you may have not considered in dating before.

God is No Respecter of Persons

We have all heard the scriptural phrase, “God is no respecter of persons.” We learn it in context in several verses.

Consider-

Acts 10:34-5. “Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons: 35 But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him.”

Moroni 8:12 “But little children are alive in Christ, even from the foundation of the world; if not so, God is a partial God, and also a changeable God, and a respecter to persons; for how many little children have died without baptism!”

Doctrine and Covenants 38:16. “And for your salvation I give unto you a commandment, for I have heard your prayers, and the poor have complained before me, and the rich have I made, and all flesh is mine, and I am no respecter of persons.”

1 Peter 1:17. “And if ye call on the Father, who without respect of persons judgeth according to every man’s work, pass the time of your sojourning here in fear:”

I admit, this phrase or term, used to confuse me- ‘respecter of persons.’ It took time for me to realize and understand the use and meaning of the word ‘respect’ in this context. It means the Lord does not prefer one person more than another. He doesn’t pay respect to one person over another. He loves his children equally.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said in a 1981 General Conference talk, “The joy that follows the remission of sins comes from the Spirit of the Lord… It comes in the same way to everyone—to rich and poor, to the prominent and the obscure. In conferring his greatest gift of mercy through the Atonement, God is not a respecter of persons.”

He gives all of His children equal opportunities for happiness through the Atonement. He is our Heavenly Father, and like all fathers, he doesn’t love one child more than another. It does not mean that He doesn’t respect the wishes and desires of His children.

Of this, there is no argument. The very simple takeaway here is that our Father in Heaven loves us. He wants us to be happy.

And yet, we forget this easy to accept principle when it comes to seeking an eternal companion. We make it into something difficult and complicated. We believe that there are trials and tribulations to be endured so that we can meet ‘the One.’

Many of us allow the idea to creep into our minds that there must be a “saved,” certain, special someone out there for us.

But let me ask you this, if the Lord is no respecter of persons, and loves each of His children equally, is it wise to believe that He will tell you that one of His children is more deserving of your love, commitment, and companionship, than another? Don’t all of His children deserve a chance at love and happiness?

Have we made the “search” for love that much harder on ourselves by creating and building up this idea that there is only one person who can make us eternally happy? (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes.)

My roommate and I had a long discussion on the concept of “not a respecter” and dating after our bishop introduced it to our ward. She made a very insightful and interesting comment. “It’s hard to believe or understand that a loving Father who answers my prayers when I pray that I have enough gas in the car to make it to payday, or protects me when my car breaks down, doesn’t have an opinion on who I marry.”

I sat and thought upon that idea for a while. She’s right. It does seem hard to fathom that the God who helps me with something as trivial as finding missing car keys, doesn’t have a stake in my potential mate.

But then it hit me.

My roommate is wrong. And so was I.

There’s a very huge difference in having the faith that the Lord will help me find the missing keys, or will get my jalopy home, and saying He has an opinion or an interest in me finding the car keys. When I find those keys, it is because I had the faith to be led to find them. It’s an answer to a prayer. And while the scriptures are very in-depth, detailed, and written to be applied in all time periods, I’ve yet to find a verse that says, “look under the couch.”

But in comparison, there are dozens of scriptures, both ancient and modern-day, that tell me where to marry, how to marry, and who to marry. They just leave out the specific name of the person, and what day and where to meet him. But that’s okay. That’s where my faith comes in that when I meet someone who would make me happy, I will recognize him, and the Lord will confirm it.

Consider this advice from Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist. It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make” (in Conference Report, Sept.–Oct. 1955, 13).

The Trick to Picking an Eternal Companion

From Elder Richard G. Scott, “There is more to a foundation of eternal marriage than a pretty face or an attractive figure. There is more to consider than popularity or charisma. As you seek an eternal companion, look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home.

“An essential priority of a prospective wife is the desire to be a wife and mother. She should be developing the sacred qualities that God has given His daughters to excel as a wife and mother: patience, kindliness, a love of children, and a desire to care for them rather than seeking professional pursuits. She should be acquiring a good education to prepare for the demands of motherhood.

“A prospective husband should also honor his priesthood and use it in service to others. Seek a man who accepts his role as provider of the necessities of life, has the capacity to do it, and is making concerted efforts to prepare himself to fulfill those responsibilities.

“I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1999, 31; or Ensign, May 1999, 26).

Soul Mates or the Search for “The One”

Are you trying to figure out if someone is your ‘soul mate?’

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, said, “I don’t believe there is only one right person for you. I think I fell in love with my wife, Harriet, from the first moment I saw her. Nevertheless, … I don’t believe she was my one chance at happiness in this life, nor was I hers. …

“… Once you commit to being married, your spouse becomes your soul mate, and it is your duty and responsibility to work every day to keep it that way” (“The Reflection in the Water” [Church Educational System fireside for young adults, Nov. 1, 2009]).

“While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person. ‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price” (“Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Mar. 1977, 4).

Elder Joseph Fielding Smith said, “We have no scriptural justification, however, for the belief that we had the privilege of choosing our parents and our life companions in the spirit world. This belief has been advocated by some, and it is possible that in some instances it is true, but it would require too great a stretch of the imagination to believe it to be so in all, or even in the majority of cases. Most likely we came where those in authority decided to send us. Our agency may not have been exercised to the extent of making choice of parents and posterity” (Way to Perfection, 44)

In spite of the words of the prophets, many people still seek out this idealist dream of a soul mate. In the words of President Uchtdorf, “Stop it.”

Prayer and Dating

When the search for an eternal companion begins to hurt and become more painful than joyful, consider the following advice from Elder Scott.

Our Heavenly Father did not put us on earth to fail but to succeed gloriously. It may seem paradoxical, but that is why recognizing answers to prayer can sometimes be very difficult. Some face life with only their own experience and capacity to help them. Others seek, through prayer, divine inspiration to know what to do. When required, they qualify for power beyond their own capacity to do it.

Communication with our Father in Heaven is not a trivial matter. It is a sacred privilege. It is based upon unchanging principles. When we receive help from our Father in Heaven, it is in response to faith, obedience, and the proper use of agency.

It is a mistake to assume that every prayer we offer will be answered immediately. Some prayers require considerable effort on our part. True, sometimes impressions come when we have not specifically sought them. They generally concern something we need to know and are not otherwise able to find out…

“I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost.” (D&C 8:1–2; italics added.)

When we receive an impression in our heart, we can use our mind either to rationalize it away or to accomplish it. Be careful what you do with an impression from the Lord.

Oliver was further taught: “Remember that without faith you can do nothing; therefore ask in faith. Trifle not with these things; do not ask for that which you ought not. …

“According to your faith shall it be done unto you.” (D&C 8:10–11; italics added.)

“Ask in faith” means ask with confidence in our holy Father. Like many of us, Oliver did not recognize the evidence of answers to prayers already given by the Lord. To open his, and our, eyes, this revelation was given through Joseph Smith:

“Blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.

“Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth.” (D&C 6:14–15; italics added.)

If you feel that God has not answered your prayers, ponder these scriptures—then carefully look for evidence in your own life of His having already answered you.

To help each of us recognize answers given, the Lord said: “If you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

“Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter?” (D&C 6:22–23; italics added).

The Lord provides further insight by counseling us to study a problem out in our mind and then to ask if it be right: “If it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

“But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought.” (D&C 9:8–9; italics added.)

It is vitally important to recognize that the Lord also responds a third way to prayer by withholding an answer when the prayer is offered. Why would He do that?

He is our perfect Father. He loves us beyond our capacity to understand. He knows what is best for us. He sees the end from the beginning. He wants us to act to gain needed experience:

When He answers yes, it is to give us confidence.

When He answers no, it is to prevent error.

When He withholds an answer, it is to have us grow through faith in Him, obedience to His commandments, and a willingness to act on truth. We are expected to assume accountability by acting on a decision that is consistent with His teachings without prior confirmation. We are not to sit passively waiting or to murmur because the Lord has not spoken. We are to act.

Most often what we have chosen to do is right. He will confirm the correctness of our choices His way. That confirmation generally comes through packets of help found along the way. We discover them by being spiritually sensitive. They are like notes from a loving Father as evidence of His approval. If, in trust, we begin something which is not right, He will let us know before we have gone too far. We sense that help by recognizing troubled or uneasy feelings.

Accepting a Painful Breakup

I know of too many people who have endured the breakup of a loving relationship that went like this, “I love you, but I prayed about it, and you’re not the one I’m supposed to marry.”

This kind of breakup can be the hardest to accept and endure. They tend to happen at the height of a relationship, when you are deeply committed and in love. You are contemplating a future together, and possibly you’ve already decided that your significant other is the one you want to marry. And then s/he suddenly tears your heart out and stomps on it with, “I prayed about it, and even though I love you, I can’t marry you.”

This painful experience can lead to serious doubts about everything- your ability to trust others, trust the Lord (how could He let this happen), your desire to ever love again, etc.  I’ll say this much- I’ve been there. I know how incredibly difficult and painful this can be. If you are going through this, I am so very sorry, and wish I could be there to give you a big hug. I can only hope that these insights might help ease the pain a bit.

The Lord is no respecter of persons. You are a child of God and you ARE loved by Him.

Your loving Father in Heaven would never intentionally choose to hurt you. But every child has the right to free agency and the right to choose. We have to remember and respect that all of the prayers in the world, begging the Lord to make something happen, cannot change another person’s free agency.

If you have or are experiencing this painful scenario, remember that it is NOT the Lord that has caused this to happen. Do not doubt your Father. He loves you.

In Conclusion

I will not suggest that there are not some out there who have prayed for confirmation that their beloved is “the One,” and received an unexpected answer. I know this happens. I don’t mean to trivialize or diminish or question your faith or your answer. We have all received unexpected answers to prayers that led us down different paths.

We are all loved equally. We are all His children, and He wants each of us to be happy. If you love someone, and want to be eternally sealed and committed to them, and go to the Lord with your decision, believe that the Lord loves you and them, and ask for confirmation to your decision.

*I would like to acknowledge that I have borrowed heavily from a suggestion my bishop made on this subject recently. However, all thoughts herein are mine, and mine alone. They were, admittedly, greatly influenced by my bishop. I do not mean to steal his thoughts and share them as my own. He spoke for two minutes on the subject, I have written for five pages. If you have a problem with these ideas, your problem is with me, and not my bishop.

Come 400 more LDS mid-singles for your future eternal companion at the Northern Virginia Mid-singles Conference, October 10-12, 2014. Details at www.midsinglesconference.com.

Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, and single woman. By day she works in marketing, and by night she hunts unicorns and writes romantic novels, “You Heard It Here First,” and the sequel “This Just In!”

I'm no Runaway Bride

When I was in high school this popular "Mormonad" hung in my bedroom for years. It's probably the reason I love daisies far more than roses. I don't know that I really learned the lesson it was trying to teach until the past few years though.

I watched [most of] the movie "Runaway Bride" again today. (Netflix keeps me entertained while I attempt to work and write from home.) The underlying point of the movie is that the "bride" (played by Julia Roberts) doesn't know what it is she likes, and just goes along with her fiance's preferences. She supposedly doesn't know herself well enough to have strong preferences, all the way down to how she likes to eat eggs (she always takes it the same way her fiance does).

I didn't finish the movie. I never liked it much. There's something about it that just doesn't sit right with me. It doesn't take a psychotherapist to figure out why.

I once had a guy/relationship candidate/possible ex-boyfriend tell me that it bothered him how I "stalked" him by liking all the same things he liked. Apparently it never occurred to him that we really did just like a lot of the same things. (See, for me, that was the appeal of the possible relationship. We had a lot in common. For him it was creepy that we were so alike. Go figure.)

One of those things that we had in common was a love for all things superhero and sci-fi tv/movies. As I watched "Runaway Bride" today I also texted several girlfriends to see who might be game for going to the DC comic con with me - while I wore this shirt-

Which got me to thinking about my collection of superhero t-shirts (that I've had long before I ever met that guy)-

(I have about 10 more shirts I don't have pictures of myself in.)

But possibly the best proof ever that I loved the Justice League and all things sci-fi long before I loved men-

Yeah baby, that's the 4 year old me getting R2D2, and Spider-Woman Underoos for Christmas. 

And this dude has been hanging out on my desk for 8 years now.

So let it be known. I'm no "Runaway Bride." I know who I am. I know what I like. 

(And there's a long list of ex-boyfriends who wished I didn't like country music as much as I do as proof!)

I'll see y'all at Comic Con!

Singles Awareness Day

(Reprinted from Meridian Magazine, February 2012)

You didn't think I was going to let February 14 go by without acknowledging the most dreaded day of all singles, did you? Never fear, my single friends, I am here to commiserate with you! I will share my worst experience with you, but in return, I expect to hear your awful stories in the comments below.

I will never forget my worst Valentine's Day ever, but to say that indicates that somewhere along the way I have had a good Valentine's Day. The truth is, even on the years where I had a boyfriend on February 14, I've never had a good, romantic, worthy of recording it in my journal, or even just calling my best friend, kind of day. I've had pretty much nothing but really lousy Valentine's Days. (Unless you count the year I was going through fire-fighting school and I got to rappel down the side of a burning building, getting the best time in my class, as a good day.)

No, I've had some pretty rotten V-days. I'm one of those singles who would prefer to just sleep through the day, never being forced to see all of the people wearing pink and red, carrying flowers and balloons in the hallways at work, while giving cheery answers to questions like, “So do you have any fun Valentine's plans?” No, I plan to be at home watching NCIS and hanging out with my dog, just like I do on most Tuesday nights. The only thing different is this week I won't get to eat Indian take-out while watching TV, because I have to avoid all restaurants at all costs, so as to not be seen alone in my alone-ness. Which is stupid, quite frankly, because, I'm alone in my alone-ness all the time! I go into restaurants and eat alone pretty regularly. But no, once a year, all those gross lovey-dovey people have to go and ruin it for me, and I'm stuck at home eating Lean Cuisine instead.

But back to the worst Valentine's Day ever. I tell you this story at great risk to myself. I have no idea if the man involved will ever read this. I'm going to assume that he doesn't, since he's never told me so (but then, we haven't talked in 16 years, so I don't know that he would. And he probably won't now either). If you just happen to be that man, I hope you too can see the humor in this story now!

I was just barely nineteen at the time. One of those BYU stories of the girl that got engaged just six months out of high school to a guy she had only known a matter of weeks. But of course, not really engaged, just verbally engaged without a ring. Nonetheless, the point is, I had a significant other on Valentine's Day. I had expectations. I had dreams. I had very big plans. After all, we were just recently and verbally agreed to be married! I was owed a diamond! Me and my nineteen years of wisdom knew exactly how this day would play out, and it would end in a hugely, overly romantic love story to tell our grandchildren someday!

Obviously, that didn't happen.

What did happen is he had an exam that day. And I, being a college student with big wedding plans, had taken a temp job working in the BYU on-campus florist. (Exactly why does a university need an on-campus florist, by the way? If not only to further encourage silly college romances?) It was working at my temp job that day that I discovered just how wretched allergies can be, and that I am horribly allergic to many types of flowers. After eight straight hours of flower arranging, and being surrounded by all those (painful) pretty smells, I was in complete misery. However, let's keep it to the obvious facts here. I was also an overly romantic and sentimental mostly verbally engaged nineteen year old in a flower shop on Valentines Day. Do you see where I am going here? I may have actually woken up that morning still a somewhat reasonable person. By the end of my shift making other people's romantic gifts, I was expecting a 12 piece string orchestra, dozens and dozens of roses, a steak dinner, and more than one diamond ring. Wouldn't you?

I spent most of the money I earned that day right there in the florist buying him a gift and having it delivered. It was a teddy bear, a balloon, and some roses that I personally picked out and arranged. Because what red-blooded, American male college student doesn't want a teddy bear, balloon, and roses?

After work I went to my room and primped. For what? I didn't know. I just knew it was Valentine's Day and obviously the man who was verbally committed to giving me a diamond ring was going to be doing something grand. I waited and waited. And my allergies and sinus infection grew worse and worse, not helped by the two dozen roses my roommate had received taking up real estate in our tiny room. Finally my phone rang saying I had a delivery at the front desk. Expecting nothing less than a limousine and other fantastic gestures I ran downstairs.

And picked up another dozen roses some guy had sent my roommate.

I returned to my room, checked my messages to make sure I hadn't missed my beloved's call (I hadn't), and resumed my flights of fancy.

The phone rang again.

I ran back to the front desk.

Where I found the teddy bear, roses, and balloon I had sent my significant other waiting for me. The delivery guy had sent it to the wrong person. Oh and the receipt was still attached. I took the receipt off and had them call the right person. And returned to my room.

I kid you not, I walked in the door and the phone rang again.

Back to the front desk.

Another dozen roses for my roommate.

Where was my roommate you might ask? Out on a date with her boyfriend, who was not the bequeathor of the now four dozen roses in my tiny little dorm room. Also, I was starting to resent my roommate just a little bit. Yes, I had that kind of roommate who just got dozens of roses randomly sent to her by men she barely knew. And yet, I still loved her anyway.

For several more hours I sat there patiently in my room, my head throbbing with a sinus infection, blowing my nose, getting sicker by the minute. It was 10pm before he called.I almost didn't answer it because I was convinced it was going to be the front desk calling with an entire rose garden for my roommate.But it was my mostly betrothed, so I went down to see him, Kleenex and all.

He thanked me for my cute little gift, and told me all about his big exam, and how it had taken all day. He finally noticed I was sick and offered me back the teddy bear I had given him. “The bear? The stupid little bear? I don't want the bear! Just give me my stinking engagement ring!!!” was sloshing with rage through my very congested head.

Did I mention we were in a classroom? We were two car-less college students without a lot of options. A lot of our “dates” were just sitting in empty classrooms or study rooms talking.

So there we were- me with the worst sinus infection in history bubbling out of my nose, and him with that dumb bear I gave him. He finally reaches into his backpack and tells me to close my eyes and put out my hands. I only put out my left hand, palm down. He turned my hand over and put a plastic take out container in it before I opened my eyes.

A frosted sugar cookie.

But not just any frosted sugar cookie. A broken frosted sugar cookie with “Be Mine” iced onto it.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was expecting an engagement ring, and I got a broken cookie.

Did I mention I hate sugar cookies?

He explained it got smashed in his backpack, and the frosting smeared a little bit. Yes, yes, I could see that.

And that, my friends, is the only time, ever, in nearly 20 years of dating, that a significant other has given me something on Valentine's Day. Sure, I've had other boyfriends on that date, but none of them have ever given me something or done anything nice for me on that day.

I've learned my lesson about getting my hopes up, or thinking men are ever on the same page as women when it comes to romantic expectations. But more importantly, I still have hopes. I still think that maybe someday I'm going to have a good February 14. Maybe even have a date on Valentine's Day- wouldn't that be amazing? I still think that in spite of twenty years of not meeting Mr. Right that one day it will finally happen. I won't be waking up on Valentine's Day thinking the floral delivery truck is going to be in my driveway with roses from a mysterious admirer. But I do think that maybe someday I will meet a guy who will give me a rose or dozen. (In 20 years of dating, it has only happened once.) I'm not ready to give up yet.

But until then, I'm avoiding all restaurants and public places on the day I am convinced was designed to make single women feel bad about themselves.

Are you with me? Share your “Singles Awareness Day” stories with me!

ALL of my books are FREE on Amazon Kindle Feb 13-17, 2014! Don't miss your chance to download them today!

You Heard It Here First (book 1 in the Haley and Cam Series)

This Just In! (book 2 in the Haley and Cam Series)

The Agency: a biographical workplace novella