Not All Knights in Shining Armor Remember to Wear Shining Armor

I pride myself on being a fairly self-sufficient individual. I support myself. I can cook, bake, and decorate a nice home. I’ve made sure to also learn those less feminine skills that gender roles designate are more of a masculine duty, like changing the oil in my car, fixing a flat tire, or jumping the car battery.

I’ve never wanted to be a burden on anyone. And as a single woman, I find it wise and prudent to be able to do most things myself and not need to call for help for every little thing. And if I can’t do it myself (I admit, I have a few limitations) I make sure there is enough money to hire someone who can. I admit it, I hate to ask for help.

But even the best laid plans of a determined, fiercely independent woman sometimes things go awry. And from these SNAFUs we often learn our greatest lessons.

When It All Goes Wrong

So there I was, ready to hit the road with friends for a ski trip. Now, let me explain what this entails for all of you western U.S. types. Ski resorts in this part of the world can often be found in remote locations, and not just twenty minutes up the nearest canyon. In our case, it was a good three hours away, in a far off state park in a different state, and to say it was in “the sticks” wouldn’t be wrong.

We hit the road at six in the morning, most of us operating on less than five hours of sleep. We stopped on our way out of town to pick up one more friend out in the suburbs. We passed by a gas station that always brings up mixed emotions for me. It was the worst day of my life the last time I was at that gas station, and just the sight of it makes me choke up. It was a place where a few years ago I realized my life had officially hit rock bottom. I’ll forgo the details of what rock bottom looks like. But I’ll say this much- rock bottom is an awful and horrible place.

Worst Day Ever

But that gas station was also the place where two important events happened in my life. The first was that I learned how to accept and appreciate the true kindness and charity of strangers who correctly suspected I had hit rock bottom and helped me. The second was I learned how to ask a friend for help, and accept his generous assistance. Allowing my friend to see me in such an awful situation taught me a new level of humility and honesty. But his willingness to help me before even knew what the problem was, taught me what a good man can be. So when my skiing buddies and I passed by that poignant little gas station, my heart filled with gratitude and memories yet again.

Little did I know what the day ahead held for us, or else I would have considered staying behind at that gas station.

We passed the gas station and drove on. It was less than an hour later that I looked in the rear view of the 1997 Suburban I was driving and saw clouds of white steam pouring out the back. I should add here that I normally don’t drive this jalopy. It’s on loan to me while my much younger car gets an expensive transmission and clutch repaired. I’m incredibly grateful for the loaner jalopy, even though the rest of this story may make you wonder why.

Other cars quickly started to flag me down as the small cloud of steam turned into a massive cloud of steam. I exited the highway, with the other car of friends, following right behind. Of course, I managed to pull off on the one exit on that highway that doesn’t have a gas station, let alone any sort of business or dwelling, anywhere in sight.

Admittedly, I had no idea how to handle the situation. Steam pouring from the front and back of the car at the same time was not something I’ve experienced before. I was lost. And I felt horrible because it was obvious I was about to ruin the day for my friends.

Never Trust a Jalopy, Always Trust Men in Carhartts

What You Need to Know About Dating, Mormons, and The Rules

“The Rules.” A mythical book of rules for women and dating. According to legend, if you follow their thirty rules for courtship and dating, the man you have always dreamed of will ask you out, woo you, treat you like the queen you are, and eventually propose. But only if you keep to their rules. Their very strict rules.

For the purposes of this article we will be referring to Not Your Mother’s Rules: the New Secrets for Dating, published in 2013. And not the more archaic original.

There are women who swear by The Rules. Others who laugh it off and mock it. There are men who doubt its existence. Others who are oblivious to them. Men who despise them. And then there are the Southern women who just call it common sense.

I’ve read “The Rules” (both the original and updated) a few times. I’ve followed The Rules at times. I’ve broken every single one of The Rules at times. I can see the arguments from both sides. And I’ve heard the laments from the men.

But lately I have wondered if The Rules really work for Mormon women in a singles ward?

Let me explain.

In my mid-singles ward there is/was a consistent 3:1 ratio. Three women for every man. Three beautiful and talented women for every single man. And not all of those men are looking to date. Plain and simple, it can feel like a competition to get the attention of the good guys and get a date. The women feel like they have no choice but to be proactive, invite the guys over, flaunt what they got, and make sure they are noticed and remembered.

All of this goes against the teachings of The Rules. And I can’t help but wonder, if Mormon girls in singles wards changed their approach, and followed The Rules, would there be more dating and relationships?

The Rules

1. Be a Creature Unlike Any Other
2. Look Like a Creature Unlike Any Other
3. Don’t Talk to or Text to a Guy First
4. Don’t Ask Guys Out by Text, Facebook, etc.
5. Don’t Sit or Stand Next to a Guy First or Flirt First
6. Wait at Least Four Hours to Answer a Guy’s First Text (and then 30 minutes thereafter)
7. TTYL: Always End Everything First
8. Don’t Answer Texts or Anything Else after Midnight
9. Rarely Write on His Wall and Other Rules for Social Networking Sites
10. Stay Away From His Facebook Profile
11. Don’t Email a Guy First and Keep it Brief
12. Make Yourself Invisible and Other Ways to Get Out of Instant Messaging
13. Don’t Talk Too Much in the First Few Weeks
14. Don’t Just Hang Out or See Him 24/7
15. Let Him Suggest Skype and Visit You More in a Long-Distance Relationship
16. Don’t Lose Your Friends Because You’re So Obsessed with a Guy
17. Don’t Introduce a Guy to Anyone First, Invited Him Anywhere First, or Friend His Friends First
18. Don’t Write to Guys First, Ignore Winks, and Other Rules for Online Dating
19. Don’t Pay for Dinner or Buy His Love in Any Way
20. Don’t Choose a College or Job or Relocate Because of a Guy
21. Don’t Get Wasted on Dates or at Parties, So You Don’t Say or Do Anything You’ll Regret
22. Buyer Beware… Weeding Out Bad Guys (Cheaters, Addicts, Players, and Time Wasters)
23. Don’t Be Self-Destructive by Dating Married, Unavailable, and Other Mixed-Messages Guys
24. Stop Dating a Guy Who Cancels More than Once
25. Don’t Send a Guy Anything You Wouldn’t Want Him to Have If You Broke Up
26. Don’t Accept Booty Calls or Meaningless Hookups
27. Wait Before Sleeping with a Guy
28. Don’t Put on the Freshman 15, Go to the Gym, and Other Rules for Looking Good at Every Age
29. Wait for a Guy to Follow You on Twitter First and Rarely Return Tweets
30. Don’t Date Indefinitely without a Commitment

(A few of The Rules don’t quite apply to Mormon culture obviously. So we’ll skip over and ignore those.)

Do The Rules apply or work for women in a singles ward where the ratio of women to men can be staggeringly not in their favor? Where just getting to talk in the hallway to a man can feel like a weekly competition? And Sunday dinners and taking a plate of brownies over to a guy you like is an expected commonplace occurrence?

Or is it possible that The Rules are what we need to help spur more dating, and less hanging out and waiting for something better to come along?

Where’s Waldo?

In my most recent mid-singles ward we had about 400 people attending on an average Sunday. With 5 Sunday School classes, an overflowing sacrament meeting, 2 Relief Societies, and 2 Elders Quorums, it can feel like an Olympic event just to find your best friend to sit with. You can meet a new person, have a fabulous conversation with them, and then it may be months before you spot the person at church again. There are so many people in our ward it can feel like Where’s Waldo in there week after week.

So when The Rules suggest that a woman should never instigate a conversation, or angle herself into the seat beside his, invite him over first, etc., it might seem like a really bad strategy. How else will a guy ever notice you in a sea of other women, if you don’t help him out a bit? He may truly never see her in the crowd.

It’s a tough call to make. I’ve been a Rules Girl, and I’ve been the anti-Rules Girl. I’ve asked out men, and I’ve patiently waited and wished for a man to ask me out. And here’s what I can tell you- The Rules do work. Even when it might feel like they don’t.

But I’m not here to try and convert every woman over to The Rules. It’s a choice.

The Argument in Favor of The Rules 

Praying for the One: You

God gives all of His children equal opportunities for happiness through the Atonement. He is our Heavenly Father, and like all fathers, He doesnt love one child more than another. Of this, there is no argument. He wants us to be happy.

And yet, we forget this easy to accept principle when it comes to seeking an eternal companion. We make it into something difficult and complicated. Many of us allow the idea to creep into our minds that there must be a “saved,” certain, special someone out there for us. We believe that there are trials and tribulations to be endured so that we can meet the One.

Have we made the “search” for love that much harder on ourselves by creating and building up this idea that there is only one person who can make us eternally happy? (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes.)

A friend of mine made a very insightful and interesting comment regarding the search for an eternal companion. “Its hard to believe or understand that a loving Father who answers when I pray that I have enough gas in the car to make it to payday, or protects me when my car breaks down, doesnt have an opinion on who I marry.”

I sat and thought upon that idea for a while. Shes right. It does seem hard to fathom that the God who helps me with something as trivial as finding missing car keys, doesnt have a stake in my potential mate.

But then it hit me.

My roommate is wrong. And so was I.

Theres a very huge difference in having the faith that the Lord will help me find the missing keys, or will get my jalopy home, and saying He has an opinion or an interest in me finding the car keys. When I find those keys, it is because I had the faith to be led to find them. Its an answer to a prayer. And while the scriptures are very in-depth, detailed, and written to be applied in all time periods, Ive yet to find a verse that says, “look under the couch.”

But in comparison, there are dozens of scriptures, both ancient and modern-day, that tell us where to marry, how to marry, and who to marry. They just leave out the specific name of the person, and what day and where to meet him. But thats okay. Thats where faith comes in.

Consider this advice from Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist. It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make” (in Conference Report, Sept.Oct. 1955, 13).

Finding the Positive in the Opposite Sex

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the opposite sex. I had an epiphany that had never occurred to me before: It’s almost always a disappointment with the opposite sex.

First, let me start out by making this one thing clear. This post is not a “down with men” or “down with love” sort of diatribe. Far from it. I am a woman writing about her feelings and experiences with the opposite sex. This could just as easily be written from a man’s point of view. At least, I think men might feel this way too. I’m not sure. And that’s why I’m putting this out there to spark some thoughts and conversations on the subject.

After twenty-plus years of dating, I’ve become jaded of sorts. My expectations have been lowered significantly on the romance front. The twenty year old version of me dreamed of the day her crush would ask her out and bring a dozen roses to her on the doorstep. The 40 year old version of me has never had a man bring her roses on a date, and is impressed when a guy actually offers to pick her up, and doesn’t suggest she take public transit to meet him somewhere. Actually, the older version of me is just impressed when a man asks her out. That’s about all it takes to impress her now. Sometimes, even less.

After years and years of being single, I’ve been disappointed over and over again. I’ve lowered my expectations considerably. Oh I still have high hopes, but reality keeps them in check.

Nearly all of my experiences with the opposite sex have had negative returns. Even the good guys have left a bad impression at some point in time. The once great boyfriends eventually broke my heart. Whether it’s an unrequited crush, cat calls from a man on the street, a bad breakup, most of the experiences I have with men are not positive.

There are a few good guy friends out there. And occasionally I’ve had a decent home teacher or two. (I mention this only for the sake that I know someone will bring it up in the comments section.) But these positive social interactions with the opposite sex are the minority of my experiences, not the majority.

My experiences with my own sex are different. We laugh, joke, share, and commiserate together. For the most part my experiences with my own sex is very positive. (In other words, it’s not me. I do have positive relationships.) These are not the experiences I frequently or regularly have with the opposite sex. The positive experiences I have with men are getting farther and fewer between.

And I worry about that.

I worry that my little heart will build bigger defenses, higher walls, and tougher callouses with every additional negative experience to the point that no one will ever be able to get past them. You have to have a “strong center,” or “be mentally strong,” “have thick skin,” etc., when it comes to attempting to befriend the opposite sex. Or at least that’s what my guy friends tell me. But that’s the problem. I’m jaded and calloused when it comes to men breaking my heart. I expect it now. (Reality over hopes.) But really, the heart under those callouses is soft and tender.

In the long run, can all of these negative experiences be good? We need the positive experiences. We need to seek them out and find them. We need to start to like them again, and not just associate them with bad experiences. Otherwise, my heart may turn into one gigantic callous. And that just sounds gross.

I know I’m not alone. And I know this isn’t all one-sided. Maybe all those tough manly men won’t admit to it, but I think they suffer from the same afflictions.

How can we expect anyone to couple up and fall in love if they never have positive experiences with the opposite sex? How can we even expect them to bother to look at or speak to each other?

Consider this my challenge to you- be kind to the opposite sex. Ask someone on a date. Do something fun and positive with a member of the opposite sex so that they have a reason to believe that there are still “good ones” out there. Surprise someone with a card or a call. Invite someone to go for a walk. Take them a plate of cookies. Give a member of the opposite sex a reason to smile. Just this one time, don’t worry that you will lead them on or give them the wrong idea. Just worry that maybe you haven’t done your part lately to give the opposite sex hope or a smile. Because wouldn’t you like someone to do that for you?

It's all good

Life is happy, life is good.
Life is incredibly busy and stressful.
The closer we get to the Northern Virginia Midsingles Conference, the crazier things are going to get. It's consuming my life these days. The number of details that can be planned out six months in advance, and then fall apart 4 weeks before the event are staggering to me. But we carry on! We're gonna get this thing done!
Earlier today I posted on Facebook how I had over 4,200 email in my yahoo inbox. I now have over 4,300. It's insanity.
There's more than just the singles conference going on. I am helping promote Mindy Gledhill's show, plus arrange for an exclusive film showing the day after the singles conference. And I'm trying desperately to apply for as many jobs as possible, make some money, balance some clients, and other things as well.
I've said it many times in the past, and I'll say it again- I'd much rather be crazy busy than crazy bored. I like this kind of crazy. It makes me feel useful.
OH!
I almost forgot my biggest piece of news!
I signed a book contract with Cedar Fort Publishing to publish my book, "Sharing the Gospel through Social Media." The book is no longer for sale now. I'll be working with them for the next several months to beef it up and rewrite some parts. It will be published, rebranded, and back up for sale in one year.
It's very exciting to have a book contract again. It brings some validation to the idea that maybe, possibly, I'm a half-decent writer. And reminds me that I'm pretty good at social media too. This book really is the culmination of the three things I am- writer, social media, and Mormon!

Holding my signed publishing agreement!

God is No Respecter of Persons

Let me present you with an idea*, deeply based in doctrine, that you may have not considered in dating before.

God is No Respecter of Persons

We have all heard the scriptural phrase, “God is no respecter of persons.” We learn it in context in several verses.

Consider-

Acts 10:34-5. “Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons: 35 But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him.”

Moroni 8:12 “But little children are alive in Christ, even from the foundation of the world; if not so, God is a partial God, and also a changeable God, and a respecter to persons; for how many little children have died without baptism!”

Doctrine and Covenants 38:16. “And for your salvation I give unto you a commandment, for I have heard your prayers, and the poor have complained before me, and the rich have I made, and all flesh is mine, and I am no respecter of persons.”

1 Peter 1:17. “And if ye call on the Father, who without respect of persons judgeth according to every man’s work, pass the time of your sojourning here in fear:”

I admit, this phrase or term, used to confuse me- ‘respecter of persons.’ It took time for me to realize and understand the use and meaning of the word ‘respect’ in this context. It means the Lord does not prefer one person more than another. He doesn’t pay respect to one person over another. He loves his children equally.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said in a 1981 General Conference talk, “The joy that follows the remission of sins comes from the Spirit of the Lord… It comes in the same way to everyone—to rich and poor, to the prominent and the obscure. In conferring his greatest gift of mercy through the Atonement, God is not a respecter of persons.”

He gives all of His children equal opportunities for happiness through the Atonement. He is our Heavenly Father, and like all fathers, he doesn’t love one child more than another. It does not mean that He doesn’t respect the wishes and desires of His children.

Of this, there is no argument. The very simple takeaway here is that our Father in Heaven loves us. He wants us to be happy.

And yet, we forget this easy to accept principle when it comes to seeking an eternal companion. We make it into something difficult and complicated. We believe that there are trials and tribulations to be endured so that we can meet ‘the One.’

Many of us allow the idea to creep into our minds that there must be a “saved,” certain, special someone out there for us.

But let me ask you this, if the Lord is no respecter of persons, and loves each of His children equally, is it wise to believe that He will tell you that one of His children is more deserving of your love, commitment, and companionship, than another? Don’t all of His children deserve a chance at love and happiness?

Have we made the “search” for love that much harder on ourselves by creating and building up this idea that there is only one person who can make us eternally happy? (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes.)

My roommate and I had a long discussion on the concept of “not a respecter” and dating after our bishop introduced it to our ward. She made a very insightful and interesting comment. “It’s hard to believe or understand that a loving Father who answers my prayers when I pray that I have enough gas in the car to make it to payday, or protects me when my car breaks down, doesn’t have an opinion on who I marry.”

I sat and thought upon that idea for a while. She’s right. It does seem hard to fathom that the God who helps me with something as trivial as finding missing car keys, doesn’t have a stake in my potential mate.

But then it hit me.

My roommate is wrong. And so was I.

There’s a very huge difference in having the faith that the Lord will help me find the missing keys, or will get my jalopy home, and saying He has an opinion or an interest in me finding the car keys. When I find those keys, it is because I had the faith to be led to find them. It’s an answer to a prayer. And while the scriptures are very in-depth, detailed, and written to be applied in all time periods, I’ve yet to find a verse that says, “look under the couch.”

But in comparison, there are dozens of scriptures, both ancient and modern-day, that tell me where to marry, how to marry, and who to marry. They just leave out the specific name of the person, and what day and where to meet him. But that’s okay. That’s where my faith comes in that when I meet someone who would make me happy, I will recognize him, and the Lord will confirm it.

Consider this advice from Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist. It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make” (in Conference Report, Sept.–Oct. 1955, 13).

The Trick to Picking an Eternal Companion

From Elder Richard G. Scott, “There is more to a foundation of eternal marriage than a pretty face or an attractive figure. There is more to consider than popularity or charisma. As you seek an eternal companion, look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home.

“An essential priority of a prospective wife is the desire to be a wife and mother. She should be developing the sacred qualities that God has given His daughters to excel as a wife and mother: patience, kindliness, a love of children, and a desire to care for them rather than seeking professional pursuits. She should be acquiring a good education to prepare for the demands of motherhood.

“A prospective husband should also honor his priesthood and use it in service to others. Seek a man who accepts his role as provider of the necessities of life, has the capacity to do it, and is making concerted efforts to prepare himself to fulfill those responsibilities.

“I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1999, 31; or Ensign, May 1999, 26).

Soul Mates or the Search for “The One”

Are you trying to figure out if someone is your ‘soul mate?’

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, said, “I don’t believe there is only one right person for you. I think I fell in love with my wife, Harriet, from the first moment I saw her. Nevertheless, … I don’t believe she was my one chance at happiness in this life, nor was I hers. …

“… Once you commit to being married, your spouse becomes your soul mate, and it is your duty and responsibility to work every day to keep it that way” (“The Reflection in the Water” [Church Educational System fireside for young adults, Nov. 1, 2009]).

“While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person. ‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price” (“Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Mar. 1977, 4).

Elder Joseph Fielding Smith said, “We have no scriptural justification, however, for the belief that we had the privilege of choosing our parents and our life companions in the spirit world. This belief has been advocated by some, and it is possible that in some instances it is true, but it would require too great a stretch of the imagination to believe it to be so in all, or even in the majority of cases. Most likely we came where those in authority decided to send us. Our agency may not have been exercised to the extent of making choice of parents and posterity” (Way to Perfection, 44)

In spite of the words of the prophets, many people still seek out this idealist dream of a soul mate. In the words of President Uchtdorf, “Stop it.”

Prayer and Dating

When the search for an eternal companion begins to hurt and become more painful than joyful, consider the following advice from Elder Scott.

Our Heavenly Father did not put us on earth to fail but to succeed gloriously. It may seem paradoxical, but that is why recognizing answers to prayer can sometimes be very difficult. Some face life with only their own experience and capacity to help them. Others seek, through prayer, divine inspiration to know what to do. When required, they qualify for power beyond their own capacity to do it.

Communication with our Father in Heaven is not a trivial matter. It is a sacred privilege. It is based upon unchanging principles. When we receive help from our Father in Heaven, it is in response to faith, obedience, and the proper use of agency.

It is a mistake to assume that every prayer we offer will be answered immediately. Some prayers require considerable effort on our part. True, sometimes impressions come when we have not specifically sought them. They generally concern something we need to know and are not otherwise able to find out…

“I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost.” (D&C 8:1–2; italics added.)

When we receive an impression in our heart, we can use our mind either to rationalize it away or to accomplish it. Be careful what you do with an impression from the Lord.

Oliver was further taught: “Remember that without faith you can do nothing; therefore ask in faith. Trifle not with these things; do not ask for that which you ought not. …

“According to your faith shall it be done unto you.” (D&C 8:10–11; italics added.)

“Ask in faith” means ask with confidence in our holy Father. Like many of us, Oliver did not recognize the evidence of answers to prayers already given by the Lord. To open his, and our, eyes, this revelation was given through Joseph Smith:

“Blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.

“Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth.” (D&C 6:14–15; italics added.)

If you feel that God has not answered your prayers, ponder these scriptures—then carefully look for evidence in your own life of His having already answered you.

To help each of us recognize answers given, the Lord said: “If you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

“Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter?” (D&C 6:22–23; italics added).

The Lord provides further insight by counseling us to study a problem out in our mind and then to ask if it be right: “If it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

“But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought.” (D&C 9:8–9; italics added.)

It is vitally important to recognize that the Lord also responds a third way to prayer by withholding an answer when the prayer is offered. Why would He do that?

He is our perfect Father. He loves us beyond our capacity to understand. He knows what is best for us. He sees the end from the beginning. He wants us to act to gain needed experience:

When He answers yes, it is to give us confidence.

When He answers no, it is to prevent error.

When He withholds an answer, it is to have us grow through faith in Him, obedience to His commandments, and a willingness to act on truth. We are expected to assume accountability by acting on a decision that is consistent with His teachings without prior confirmation. We are not to sit passively waiting or to murmur because the Lord has not spoken. We are to act.

Most often what we have chosen to do is right. He will confirm the correctness of our choices His way. That confirmation generally comes through packets of help found along the way. We discover them by being spiritually sensitive. They are like notes from a loving Father as evidence of His approval. If, in trust, we begin something which is not right, He will let us know before we have gone too far. We sense that help by recognizing troubled or uneasy feelings.

Accepting a Painful Breakup

I know of too many people who have endured the breakup of a loving relationship that went like this, “I love you, but I prayed about it, and you’re not the one I’m supposed to marry.”

This kind of breakup can be the hardest to accept and endure. They tend to happen at the height of a relationship, when you are deeply committed and in love. You are contemplating a future together, and possibly you’ve already decided that your significant other is the one you want to marry. And then s/he suddenly tears your heart out and stomps on it with, “I prayed about it, and even though I love you, I can’t marry you.”

This painful experience can lead to serious doubts about everything- your ability to trust others, trust the Lord (how could He let this happen), your desire to ever love again, etc.  I’ll say this much- I’ve been there. I know how incredibly difficult and painful this can be. If you are going through this, I am so very sorry, and wish I could be there to give you a big hug. I can only hope that these insights might help ease the pain a bit.

The Lord is no respecter of persons. You are a child of God and you ARE loved by Him.

Your loving Father in Heaven would never intentionally choose to hurt you. But every child has the right to free agency and the right to choose. We have to remember and respect that all of the prayers in the world, begging the Lord to make something happen, cannot change another person’s free agency.

If you have or are experiencing this painful scenario, remember that it is NOT the Lord that has caused this to happen. Do not doubt your Father. He loves you.

In Conclusion

I will not suggest that there are not some out there who have prayed for confirmation that their beloved is “the One,” and received an unexpected answer. I know this happens. I don’t mean to trivialize or diminish or question your faith or your answer. We have all received unexpected answers to prayers that led us down different paths.

We are all loved equally. We are all His children, and He wants each of us to be happy. If you love someone, and want to be eternally sealed and committed to them, and go to the Lord with your decision, believe that the Lord loves you and them, and ask for confirmation to your decision.

*I would like to acknowledge that I have borrowed heavily from a suggestion my bishop made on this subject recently. However, all thoughts herein are mine, and mine alone. They were, admittedly, greatly influenced by my bishop. I do not mean to steal his thoughts and share them as my own. He spoke for two minutes on the subject, I have written for five pages. If you have a problem with these ideas, your problem is with me, and not my bishop.

Come 400 more LDS mid-singles for your future eternal companion at the Northern Virginia Mid-singles Conference, October 10-12, 2014. Details at www.midsinglesconference.com.

Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, and single woman. By day she works in marketing, and by night she hunts unicorns and writes romantic novels, “You Heard It Here First,” and the sequel “This Just In!”

Singles Awareness Day

(Reprinted from Meridian Magazine, February 2012)

You didn't think I was going to let February 14 go by without acknowledging the most dreaded day of all singles, did you? Never fear, my single friends, I am here to commiserate with you! I will share my worst experience with you, but in return, I expect to hear your awful stories in the comments below.

I will never forget my worst Valentine's Day ever, but to say that indicates that somewhere along the way I have had a good Valentine's Day. The truth is, even on the years where I had a boyfriend on February 14, I've never had a good, romantic, worthy of recording it in my journal, or even just calling my best friend, kind of day. I've had pretty much nothing but really lousy Valentine's Days. (Unless you count the year I was going through fire-fighting school and I got to rappel down the side of a burning building, getting the best time in my class, as a good day.)

No, I've had some pretty rotten V-days. I'm one of those singles who would prefer to just sleep through the day, never being forced to see all of the people wearing pink and red, carrying flowers and balloons in the hallways at work, while giving cheery answers to questions like, “So do you have any fun Valentine's plans?” No, I plan to be at home watching NCIS and hanging out with my dog, just like I do on most Tuesday nights. The only thing different is this week I won't get to eat Indian take-out while watching TV, because I have to avoid all restaurants at all costs, so as to not be seen alone in my alone-ness. Which is stupid, quite frankly, because, I'm alone in my alone-ness all the time! I go into restaurants and eat alone pretty regularly. But no, once a year, all those gross lovey-dovey people have to go and ruin it for me, and I'm stuck at home eating Lean Cuisine instead.

But back to the worst Valentine's Day ever. I tell you this story at great risk to myself. I have no idea if the man involved will ever read this. I'm going to assume that he doesn't, since he's never told me so (but then, we haven't talked in 16 years, so I don't know that he would. And he probably won't now either). If you just happen to be that man, I hope you too can see the humor in this story now!

I was just barely nineteen at the time. One of those BYU stories of the girl that got engaged just six months out of high school to a guy she had only known a matter of weeks. But of course, not really engaged, just verbally engaged without a ring. Nonetheless, the point is, I had a significant other on Valentine's Day. I had expectations. I had dreams. I had very big plans. After all, we were just recently and verbally agreed to be married! I was owed a diamond! Me and my nineteen years of wisdom knew exactly how this day would play out, and it would end in a hugely, overly romantic love story to tell our grandchildren someday!

Obviously, that didn't happen.

What did happen is he had an exam that day. And I, being a college student with big wedding plans, had taken a temp job working in the BYU on-campus florist. (Exactly why does a university need an on-campus florist, by the way? If not only to further encourage silly college romances?) It was working at my temp job that day that I discovered just how wretched allergies can be, and that I am horribly allergic to many types of flowers. After eight straight hours of flower arranging, and being surrounded by all those (painful) pretty smells, I was in complete misery. However, let's keep it to the obvious facts here. I was also an overly romantic and sentimental mostly verbally engaged nineteen year old in a flower shop on Valentines Day. Do you see where I am going here? I may have actually woken up that morning still a somewhat reasonable person. By the end of my shift making other people's romantic gifts, I was expecting a 12 piece string orchestra, dozens and dozens of roses, a steak dinner, and more than one diamond ring. Wouldn't you?

I spent most of the money I earned that day right there in the florist buying him a gift and having it delivered. It was a teddy bear, a balloon, and some roses that I personally picked out and arranged. Because what red-blooded, American male college student doesn't want a teddy bear, balloon, and roses?

After work I went to my room and primped. For what? I didn't know. I just knew it was Valentine's Day and obviously the man who was verbally committed to giving me a diamond ring was going to be doing something grand. I waited and waited. And my allergies and sinus infection grew worse and worse, not helped by the two dozen roses my roommate had received taking up real estate in our tiny room. Finally my phone rang saying I had a delivery at the front desk. Expecting nothing less than a limousine and other fantastic gestures I ran downstairs.

And picked up another dozen roses some guy had sent my roommate.

I returned to my room, checked my messages to make sure I hadn't missed my beloved's call (I hadn't), and resumed my flights of fancy.

The phone rang again.

I ran back to the front desk.

Where I found the teddy bear, roses, and balloon I had sent my significant other waiting for me. The delivery guy had sent it to the wrong person. Oh and the receipt was still attached. I took the receipt off and had them call the right person. And returned to my room.

I kid you not, I walked in the door and the phone rang again.

Back to the front desk.

Another dozen roses for my roommate.

Where was my roommate you might ask? Out on a date with her boyfriend, who was not the bequeathor of the now four dozen roses in my tiny little dorm room. Also, I was starting to resent my roommate just a little bit. Yes, I had that kind of roommate who just got dozens of roses randomly sent to her by men she barely knew. And yet, I still loved her anyway.

For several more hours I sat there patiently in my room, my head throbbing with a sinus infection, blowing my nose, getting sicker by the minute. It was 10pm before he called.I almost didn't answer it because I was convinced it was going to be the front desk calling with an entire rose garden for my roommate.But it was my mostly betrothed, so I went down to see him, Kleenex and all.

He thanked me for my cute little gift, and told me all about his big exam, and how it had taken all day. He finally noticed I was sick and offered me back the teddy bear I had given him. “The bear? The stupid little bear? I don't want the bear! Just give me my stinking engagement ring!!!” was sloshing with rage through my very congested head.

Did I mention we were in a classroom? We were two car-less college students without a lot of options. A lot of our “dates” were just sitting in empty classrooms or study rooms talking.

So there we were- me with the worst sinus infection in history bubbling out of my nose, and him with that dumb bear I gave him. He finally reaches into his backpack and tells me to close my eyes and put out my hands. I only put out my left hand, palm down. He turned my hand over and put a plastic take out container in it before I opened my eyes.

A frosted sugar cookie.

But not just any frosted sugar cookie. A broken frosted sugar cookie with “Be Mine” iced onto it.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was expecting an engagement ring, and I got a broken cookie.

Did I mention I hate sugar cookies?

He explained it got smashed in his backpack, and the frosting smeared a little bit. Yes, yes, I could see that.

And that, my friends, is the only time, ever, in nearly 20 years of dating, that a significant other has given me something on Valentine's Day. Sure, I've had other boyfriends on that date, but none of them have ever given me something or done anything nice for me on that day.

I've learned my lesson about getting my hopes up, or thinking men are ever on the same page as women when it comes to romantic expectations. But more importantly, I still have hopes. I still think that maybe someday I'm going to have a good February 14. Maybe even have a date on Valentine's Day- wouldn't that be amazing? I still think that in spite of twenty years of not meeting Mr. Right that one day it will finally happen. I won't be waking up on Valentine's Day thinking the floral delivery truck is going to be in my driveway with roses from a mysterious admirer. But I do think that maybe someday I will meet a guy who will give me a rose or dozen. (In 20 years of dating, it has only happened once.) I'm not ready to give up yet.

But until then, I'm avoiding all restaurants and public places on the day I am convinced was designed to make single women feel bad about themselves.

Are you with me? Share your “Singles Awareness Day” stories with me!

ALL of my books are FREE on Amazon Kindle Feb 13-17, 2014! Don't miss your chance to download them today!

You Heard It Here First (book 1 in the Haley and Cam Series)

This Just In! (book 2 in the Haley and Cam Series)

The Agency: a biographical workplace novella

Integrity in Dating

(Reprinted from Meridian Magazine, August 2011)

Integrity in dating. Is it an oxymoron or the ultimate challenge? Many will argue that all is fair in love and war, but if that is true, are you compromising your integrity for a fun Friday night?

By definition, integrity is the “adherence to moral principles; honesty. Or, “unity, wholeness.” Dating is fraught with misunderstandings, hidden activities, facades, intentions good and bad, and oftentimes, straight up deceit. And we do it all in the pursuit of love. It is ironic, isn't it, that the pursuit of one of the most wonderful feelings and emotions in the world, can create so much pain and sorrow? This is why dating with integrity is so important- to eliminate hurt feelings and confusion as much as possible.

Individuals must make it a priority to bring honesty and good communication into their dating. This includes focusing on honest communication regarding not only who they are as a person, but their intentions, commitments, and priorities. Dating is full of flirting, teasing, seduction, and game playing. Some will even insist that these are the primary elements of dating! But the more games you play, secrets you keep, and devious activities you engage in, the more dishonest and less integrity you bear.

Can you have integrity while dating more than one person? Yes, absolutely! Going back to the key elements of what defines integrity- are you honest with your partners? Have you done anything to mislead them? Are all parties absolutely aware of the level of commitment, intention, and intimacy you are engaged in?

All too often individuals (male or female) feel that just because s/he has not verbalized a commitment or his/her intentions, that the other party is on the same page, and that no one will be hurt. A lack of communication does not define honesty. If you want to be fair, open, and kind with your fellow (wo)man, you will be direct and honest in your communication.

Without a doubt, I know that there will be plenty of people ready to attack on this point, arguing that one date does not constitute a “what are we talk.” And I agree! Each party will have to operate according to their personal activities and choices. But never think that “Well, I never told him/her that we were exclusive, so s/he can't be mad if I am dating other people.”

I remember seeing it happen all too often in my singles ward days. A guy would think he was doing his “priesthood duty” to ask out every girl in the ward. A girl suddenly gets a phone call from this nice guy she's only met a few times, and happily accepts his date request. In the days prior to the date, she builds it up in her head that he must actually be interested in her. After all, he asked her out, right? Then the date comes and they have a great time, albeit nothing more than just friendly interactions. But she doesn't date that often, and this was the highlight of her year! She builds this date up in her head as something big. The next day she bakes him something (cookies, cakes, cupcakes, a five course meal- you name it, I've seen it all) and takes it to church. He graciously and enthusiastically accepts it. They talk again. They spend some time together chatting at whatever ward activity follows that week (FHE, Institute, etc). By Thursday night she's convinced they are dating. On Friday night he's out with the next girl he's asked out.

He will think he is full of integrity doing his “priesthood duty” asking out all of the girls. In no way does he consider himself a “player.” He is honestly and truly just being a nice guy, and getting to know everyone. But by Saturday night when she's come to accept that he's not going to show up on her doorstep with roses, she will probably never use the word “integrity” in her definition of him. Pig may be closer to her word choice.

But he never promised her a rose garden. He was nothing but nice, friendly, and polite- a true gentleman. But if he had made it clear he was only interested in taking her out as a friend, he would have potentially built a good friendship, instead of ruining his reputation and hurting her feelings.

Honest communication can build friendships. A lack of communication ruins relationships. 

Sometimes, just getting to a first date takes some integrity, and that includes having the courage and honesty to express interest in another party. Conversely, it can take great integrity and courage to turn down a date with someone you are not interested in in such a way as to not hurt the other party's feelings. Be polite and kind, and remember that it took courage and guts for him/her to ask you out. And always remember you are speaking to another son or daughter of your Heavenly Father.

Have reasonable expectations in your dating. The fictional young woman I just described was just as much much to blame as the young man. She did not have reasonable expectations. She lost her integrity when she began to build things up in her head, rather than engage in open and honest dialogue.

Additionally, another way to show integrity in dating is to remember to respect each other’s uniqueness. The same character traits that you may find incompatible in a dating partner will be what attracts that person a more compatible woman later on. Don't give unsolicited critiques! Allow each other to “let your freak flag fly!” Unique and quirky behavior may be a turn off to one person, but be the magnetic attraction in the next. Besides, what gives you the authority or superiority to change another person's style or character?

Integrity can be found in dating. Seek out individuals with high moral standards, honest communication, and clear intentions. And be sure to exhibit and maintain the same qualities in yourself. Do not just expect the other person to be open and honest. You must do the same!

I feel that I must also bring up another ugly part of dating- flirting with someone else's significant other.  How honest, fair, and kind of you is it to flirt with someone else's significant other? Are you showing any integrity when you attempt to woo away someone in a committed relationship? (Yes, absolutely the other person is at fault as well. But we'll leave the subject of the scum of cheaters for another day.) Have some integrity! Respect their relationship! Honor their commitments- and this includes just regular dating (not just marriage and engagements).

I have never been a fan of “covert dating.” This is a practice widely found in the DC area where couples will date each other, but not let anyone else know. Sure there is something to be said for not broadcasting every date and relationship too early on. I won't criticize that. But “covert dating” - which really is just dating with the intention of deceiving others so that you can continue to date more people without anyone finding out what you are up to, is pretty dishonest at a certain level. I even had a guy once tell me he was enjoying dating me, but wanted to make sure I wasn't going to tell anyone we were dating.

He didn't like anyone else “knowing his business.” (Full disclosure: this was over five years ago.) I agreed to his request, only to find out later on that he was dating several other girls under the same disguise. When I did find out he was dating a friend of mine, and I told her we were both dating him, he accused me of being the dishonest party. After all, I had violated our agreement. He never considered himself to be dishonest or that he lacked integrity. Personally, I never trusted him again.

Show some guts, courage, honesty and integrity in your dating! Remember that the other person has feelings too!  Show some respect for that person, their family, and all that they stand for when choosing to affiliate yourself with him/her.

Last but not least- and I hate that this has to be said, but it must- if there is one place I wish more people would show some integrity it would be in online dating. I'll put it this bluntly-

Saying it via text, online, in an email, over the phone, or via pictures on your phone- it is the same as if you had done it in person. If you would never dare act, do, or say such a thing in person, think twice, and never consider doing it online either. I am sick to my stomach over the things I have seen people do and say online. Online dating sites can be great ways to meet other people. Unfortunately, due to the disgusting sexual behaviors of too many people online, other people are afraid to get on these sites. Stop ruining it for everyone else. Have some integrity and get a life!

Dating can be a great and wonderful time in a person's life if it is done with the right level of integrity, honesty, and open communication. Enjoy your dating years! Don't make it into a miserable experience because no one can be trusted. Set the example of great dating yourself!!

ALL of my books are FREE on Amazon Kindle Feb 13-17, 2014! Don't miss your chance to download them today!

You Heard It Here First (book 1 in the Haley and Cam Series)

This Just In! (book 2 in the Haley and Cam Series)

The Agency: a biographical workplace novella

Life's Little Instruction Book for Single Women

(reprinted from Meridian Magazine, November 2010)

Growing up I was taught all sorts of lessons about the real world- assuming that the real world was a place where I would grow up to get married and have children. But no one ever taught me any lessons about what would happen if the ideal real world didn't pan out for me. No one ever prepared me for a world where I might not ever get married, and instead might find myself single and living alone for the rest of my life. In other words, in spite of a lot of preparation for the future, I woke up one day and found myself woefully unprepared for the future I am living.
I remember little life lessons handed down from the women above me that included things like, “Someday when you have a husband you'll ...” or “When you are a mom you will understand.” Or one of my favorites, “When you get married your priorities will change.” No one ever handed out advice that included, “When you are in your thirties and all alone, you'll need to be prepared to...”
Multiple times in my life I have woken up to these realizations, but never more so than when I am looking at my dishes. Why my dishes? Well, no one ever threw me a bridal shower. No one ever gave me all of those start up items to begin my adult life. I never got a nice set of matching dishes or towels, or pots and pans, or new linens. If I have it, I had to earn it. It is when I am looking at my mismatched set of dishes compiled from odds and ends left by roommates over the years, that I realize no one ever prepared me for what happens when Plan A (marriage and babies) doesn't pan out.
But then who was going to teach me all of those lessons? I can't think of one role model in my life that could have prepared me for my real life. My mother got married at age 19. She's never lived alone, nor had roommates. She's never been the sole breadwinner for the family. She's never had to make all of the financial decisions alone. I look back at my young women advisers, and I can't recall any single women among them. One of them had a job that I can recall, but only a part-time one. In other words, it isn't a surprise to me how completely inept I feel sometimes at how to be an adult, professional, single woman.
I am not surprised at the lack of role models in this area. But it does make me sad. I know there are fabulous great women just like me out there. I wish they were recognized more for how much they have accomplished, rather than always described as “she's accomplished because she never got married.” I think that does an injustice to all women, single or married. Why can't a woman be accomplished just because she chose to be? Why does her marital status matter? But I digress...
The list of things I have never learned could fill a book. The things I was never encouraged to learn to prepare for a life alone could fill five more books. And so I thought about it. What would I like to pass on to young women to prepare them for the future where things may not turn out to be all white lacy veils and bouquets of flowers?

Erin's Little List of Instructions on How to Live a Single Woman's Life

1. “I'll get married someday and then I'll worry about retirement.” is NOT a financial plan. Get a real financial adviser- an unbiased one. Preferably not a member of your family. Why? Because people who love you and want to see you get married someday, might let “someday” influence your financial planning. An unbiased expert will help you prepare the right way.
2. Not getting the full education you want because it would just be a waste of time and money “when you get married and settle down and have children,” and then never use your degree- will be the biggest regret of your life.
3. Don't settle for “this will be a better job for me” because you can use those skills when you have kids, is not a career plan. Look into the future ten years and ask yourself do you want to be in that job still if you never have children? Instead, ask yourself “is this the job that will make me happy if Plan A doesn't work out? Will it financially support me and be mentally stimulating?”
4. Explore your passions! Don't wait for someone else to come along to do them with you! Go find what you love and enjoy it fully.
5. Decorate the way you like it and the way you want it. There is no rule that says you have to do it the way your mom/roommate/sister/brother/ex-spouse liked it. Do it your way! (My way involves calendars in every room. None of them on the right month, and none of them accurate.)
6. I'd throw in my own little rule here about not shutting the bathroom door on principle, but it would embarrass my mother.
7. Buy food storage that you will eat! I think not stocking up on food storage is one of the biggest mistakes singles make.
8. If you don't live close to your own family, find a child to love in the community or in your ward. Having a child in your life is having a touchstone in your life to keep things real. It helps you remember that the world is not all about you, money, and whatever your job is making you do.
9. Travel! See the world! Have fun!
10. Buy good furniture. Say goodbye to Craigslist and invest in something you are proud to call your own. Make it something worth paying a moving company for!
11. Send out Christmas cards. You don't have to have a cute little family card to send out cards.
12. Insist on being treated like an equal. Don't let people treat you like you don't matter because you aren't married.
13. Make something of yourself. Don't ever hold yourself back from being great because of what others might think. Be the next girl's role model.
14. Don't be afraid to be yourself. There is an awful tendency to feel like we have to act or be a certain way in order to attract a man. Who wants to attract a man by being someone else? Attract a man by being yourself!
15. Buy a toolbox and learn how to use it. Don't spend your whole life being helpless and depending on others to take care of you. Learn how to take care of yourself!
16. Never, ever make a major life decision that you think will help you get a guy. This includes quitting a job, not getting an education, moving (cross town or cross country), buying a car (because you think he would like it), or spending more than $200 on anything (plane tickets excluded). Do what is best for you! Not what is best for you to hopefully, possibly catch him.
17. Find role models at work, at church, and in your personal life. Especially ones that have been where you are now. Moms and sisters are great, but if they haven't ever been in their mid-thirties, single, and financially independent, their advice and viewpoint will be limited. Seek out people who have been there and understand your challenges.
18. Have a guy best friend who will tell you the truth.
19. Never, ever kiss your guy best friend unless he kisses you first. And don't even think about kissing him otherwise.
20. Have a healthy relationship with food.
21. Own one great pair of jeans that you look fabulous in. Own one great dress that you know turns heads when you walk into a room.
22. Never let yourself become a manhater.
23. Learn to cook for one. And don't eat Lean Cuisines and cereal for the rest of your life.
24. Never be afraid to do it yourself. It doesn't matter what IT is. Go do whatever IT is you have always wanted to do.
25. Remember that all the answers you really need come when you are on your knees. Don't be afraid to ask the One person who knows exactly how you feel.

Single women, help me out! What do you wish someone had taught you? What are life's little lessons that you never saw coming? Leave them in the comments below!

Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, and single woman. By day she works in marketing, and by night she hunts unicorns and writes romantic novels, “You Heard It Here First,” and the sequel “This Just In!” She accepts new friends daily at https://www.facebook.comAuthorErinAnnMcBride