The Center of Our Lives Must Be Jesus Christ

Elder Oaks, I Am Not Afflicted. I Am An Asset.

Dear Elder Oaks:

You broke my heart tonight. You compared my beautiful life to disease, disability, and depression. You called my marital status an affliction. I have never been so hurt before. Your words hurt me in ways I didn't know possible. As difficult and lonely as my path may be, it is not an affliction.
I know that you meant well and that your words were meant to be ones of comfort. You spoke of the Atonement and how Christ knows my pain. You explained that the Savior often walked alone and knew and understood what it means to be lonely. I agree and I believe. I am grateful for the intent of your words. It is why I am not offended or angry.
Just truly broken-hearted.
Imagine a mother finding out that her child is considered disabled. Or a person finding out they have a disease. How crushing it must be in those moments. That's exactly how I felt when you called my life an "affliction."
I know there are many who took comfort in your words. There are plenty of singles who were grateful to be acknowledged for their pain. And I am very happy for them. It did mean a lot to hear a General Authority acknowledge the challenges of being single with more than just routine commentary about dating. I am grateful that you respected and spoke of the pain we often feel. But again, I am not afflicted with singlehood. And it hurts me to be labeled as such.
The diseased and disabled and those with afflictions require extra service and attention. They are not able to give as much service and sacrifice to the Church [without considerable assistance from others]. Singles should not be put into the same category or consideration as these special demographics.
I am the Young Women's President in my ward. I have been in several YW presidencies. I am a temple worker. I have been a Primary worker, a Relief Society teacher, a ward missionary, and conference co-chair.  I give more of my time to the Church than your average person. And I always have.
My marital status is not an affliction. It is an assistance and blessing to others. It has never held me back. It frees me to serve and help others in ways that a married parent cannot do. I am an asset to others.
I am, however, afflicted with people who do not understand or relate to my situation. I've always found that odd. Weren't we all born single? How is it so hard for married people to remember what it was like to be single? I am afflicted with people who give bad advice. I am afflicted by people who think that being single is a choice, or that dating should be the same at 40 as it was at 20.Where is the advice for dating over 30? Surely when you were dating your second wife you must have noticed that it wasn't the same as dating when you were in college. Why has no one ever offered anything other than comfort to us? Why has no one ever acknowledged that singles are an asset to the Church? And that our lives are just as full of joy as they are of pain? Why is it so taboo to acknowledge that singles can have happy and fulfilling lives? If you don't want us to feel afflicted, acknowledge our contributions and potential.
I am afflicted with a great deal of pain every time I am treated like a second rate citizen at church. For instance, the time I had to sit through a YW lesson about female role models, that by definition excluded me as a role model because I am single. (Ironic that I am the YW president, but not considered a role model.)
I admit and recognize that loneliness can feel like an affliction. I do not belittle that fact.
Being single can be hard. But it is not a disease. It is not a disability. It's not an affliction. It's simply a state of being. Your words came on a day where I was feeling more pain and loneliness than usual. I found no comfort in your words. Instead, this new label made me feel worse, like I had no purpose or meaning. I had no idea people thought such an awful thing about me. And it hurt more coming from you, than anyone else. After all, you are the one Church leader who experienced singlehood and dating later in life. I always thought you understood us better.
Please reconsider calling singles "afflicted." Acknowledge us for all that we give the Church. Acknowledge that we are assets. And that we do it alone. We do just as much, if not more, than our married counterparts, and we do it without a support system.
I am grateful for your words of comfort. "Sometimes His power heals an infirmity, but the scriptures and our experiences teach that sometimes He succors or helps by giving us the strength or patience to endure our infirmities." These are words of comfort for many things. But please, do not call my marital status an infirmity. I am so much more than that. I am an asset. And I am a daughter of God.

Gift of God's Grace

"With the gift of God's grace, the path of discipleship does not lead backward; it leads upward." - President Dieter Uchtdorf

Come Unto Christ

"If you feel small and weak, please simply come unto Christ who makes weak things strong." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Good Works and Salvation

"Thinking that we can trade our good works for salvation is like buying a plane ticket and then supposing we own the airline." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Great Courage

"Great Courage will be required to choose the right." - Elder Ulisses Soares

Show Your Love

"What sign will you give to the Lord to show your love for Him?" Elder Russel M. Nelson

Choose to be Happy

"When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be right?"  - Sister Linda K. Burton

Follow Him

"Whoever you are and whatever your past, remember this: It is not too late to make that same choice and follow Him."  - Elder Robert D. Hales

Sharing the Gospel

Sharing the gospel is a topic close to my heart and often on my mind these days. My parents left for their 18 months mission to Apia Samoa this weekend. My cousin Remi comes home from his mission to Texas later this week. So naturally, I'm thinking about missionary work.
I've never been very good at opening up and sharing my thoughts on the gospel. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the most personal thing in my life, and I find I have to trust someone before I will share my feelings on something so intimate. And yet, as followers of Christ we have been taught to "Feed my sheep" (John 21:17).
Each Sunday for the past few months I have had the opportunity to share my testimony with the young women at church. The more I share my testimony of the gospel, the more comfortable and open I get with sharing it. Still, I have a long way to go.
I wrote "Sharing the Gospel Through Social Media" for both people who are comfortable sharing and those who are more passive about sharing. While some people may have the desire to type out their testimony and share it for the world to see, others may be more comfortable sharing a nice thought or quote. I admit, I'm more the quote or thought kind of girl, although I wouldn't be surprised if people thought I was more forward than I am.
In less than two weeks, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will hold its semi-annual General Conference. It is a big event for us with speakers from the Church leadership around the world. (Not to mention good food and music as well.) Many people will share quotes and thoughts from the conference. Some will do it well, some will does it less well.
As we lead into conference I aim to share a quote or thought from past conferences each day, to help me warm up or prepare for conference. I hope you will enjoy them!
Consider this my own efforts at practicing what I preach (after all, I did suggest something like this in my book), and my own way of more openly sharing something very personal and special to me.

Trust in the Lord - Quote

Go to the Lord in Prayer

Being Single is Not a Curse!

Reprint of an article posted in Meridian Magazine from July 2010. 

Today I took a long walk in the woods with my dog. It was a beautiful and perfect afternoon. I brought my camera and a book and made myself comfortable on a bench for a few hours. It really was lovely. But I can't say "it was all I could have wanted,” because as I sat there on the bench, overlooking a beautiful valley, basking in my personal perfect day, all I could think about was how much I wanted there to be a special someone sitting beside me. How I longed for a meaningful conversation with a special someone. How if the right person were beside me I could put my head on his shoulder, and hold his hand, and just gaze on that view forever. But the bench was empty beside me.

I'm single. Very single. And there are many days when I wonder if there will ever be a special someone to sit beside me again. There are days when I question what I did to deserve to be single. Is this punishment for some sin I have committed? How much longer until I have repented? Is this the life my Heavenly Father wants for me? Will I ever have children? Will that bench forever be empty because of some choice I don't remember making? And I am not alone in my fears and concerns.

Questions of “Why am I still single?” “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” “Why does he get to be married and not me?” “How can she be married twice and I still haven’t found one husband?” “I’ve prayed for it and I’m a good person, so why hasn’t the Lord sent me an eternal companion?” “How am I ever supposed to fit in at church when it is all about families, and I don’t have one?” “Why should I have to sit through another lesson about parenting when I’ll probably never be a parent myself?” “Why should I go to another ward activity geared toward children and families? I won't fit in,” and so many other questions of doubt are common and not unusual in the minds of an unmarried member of the Church.

The Truth Hurts

Singles often feel alienated or left out of the general membership of the Church. Without children, or without spouses, what place is there for them at ward activities that are so often family oriented? When lessons and advice are given regarding strengthening family relationships, what do they have to offer to the lesson or to take away from it?
But maybe the most difficult part of being single, particularly for those individuals who have passed the more culturally traditional younger years of courtship and have entered into their thirties, forties, and older, is wondering why I have not found a spouse? Why have I not been so blessed? “Am I so hard to love? What’s wrong with me? Am I not faithful enough? Why doesn’t anyone want me?” All of these questions can be painful and difficult to ask, and at times can lead to an individual’s slow departure from activity within the Church, where so many discussions revolve around eternal marriage, faithfulness, and endurance.

Elder Neal Maxwell in his book “And These Things Shall Give Thee Experience,” counseled that we are not being punished when we do not receive that which we desire. Sometimes the Lord has other plans for us. It is our job to do our best, and be happy, no matter what the situation. I would like to think that the alternative to not getting married and being a mother should be a high-paying job with lots of adventure and excitement. Sadly, this does not seem to be the plan for me either.

The Secret to Happiness

To find happiness and contentment in our lives, no matter our situation, is often the ultimate challenge. Whether it be the family dealing with financial downturn, or an infertile couple longing for a child, or the desperate desire to find love and a mate, the challenge is to find “joy in the journey,” even when the journey is not the one we expected or wanted to take.

President Thomas S. Monson said it this way, “This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief.

Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not.

I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.”

So singles, I ask you this- are you finding joy in the journey? Are you happy? Are you living your life to the fullest, in spite of the fact that maybe you are not living the life you want to have? It can be hard. It can be really hard. It hurts going to church on Sunday and sitting alone. It hurts sitting in Relief Society listening to a lesson on parenting or love at home or when someone talks about the joys of marriage. And nothing is more irritating when a young bride half your age tearfully says,”I prayed so long and hard and waited for so long to find the right man.” All you can think is, “Honey, I'll show you what waiting forever feels like!” How is it possible to be happy and find joy in the journey when cards seem to be stacked against you?

Elder Maxwell described these challenges as one of the “hard doctrines” of the Gospel.  He quoted author C.S. Lewis in this regard, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

Being Single is NOT a Curse!!

Being single is not a curse, or an affliction. It is not a trial that you must “overcome.” Your life, your mission, your Plan, is not a trial! It is simply that the Lord has other desires for you. What role has He carved out for you? What do you have to offer? The Lord knows you, your talents, and has provided you with the circumstances so that you may do your best. It is not an accident that you were born at this time and place. You must find your self-worth and be an instrument in the Lord’s hands. “The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God.” There was no postscript that said “Except some will be worth more than others because they got married and raised a family. Through no fault of your own you will not be worth as much.”  The Lord values you, and has put you in the situation where he needs you. Give yourself to the Lord so that you may be the person He needs you to be.

You must find your calling in life and magnify it. Some will be called to be mothers and fathers. Others will not be held back by the constraints of a family so that they may serve in other ways to the wards, communities, and even the world around them. Being single is not a limitation or condemnation. It is the opportunity to expand and do more, while living a Gospel-centered life. Marriage does not solve any one’s problems. Marriage alone will not make you happy. You must be happy with who you are above all else. Find joy in your journey!

A Single Mormon Woman Reflects on Women Holding the Priesthood

Dear Friend,

Yesterday you asked about women in the Mormon Church holding the priesthood. I fired off some fast and too easy “internet responses.” I want you to know that your questions and comments were not ignored. In fact, I’ve thought about them quite a bit. I hope you'll forgive me my thoughtless responses yesterday, and accept my much more in-depth and thought out response below.

You raised important issues- why can’t women hold the priesthood? Why do men run the meetings? Why can’t women?

I’ve given this topic (and others I am about to address) a lot of thought over the years. My response today is not just the culmination of 24 hours of ruminating on current politics, but my cherished, deep-rooted beliefs, and understanding of the Gospel of Christ.

One of the key details that sets Mormons apart from other religions is found in a small verse in the Book of Mormon. As you know, we believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, another testament of Jesus Christ. Many other religions scorn us because of this book. But anyone who has actually read it will know that there is nothing in there that conflicts or contests the Bible. Many of the commandments and scriptures are nearly identical to what is found in the Bible.

But there is one small verse or scripture that truly sets us apart. Mosiah 3:19 reads, “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

In my eyes, nearly every commandment given in scripture is a directive, suggestion, or instruction on how to overcome the natural man or our natural instincts. For instance, the Ten Commandments include no coveting, no stealing, no murder, obey your parents, put God first. We are taught from infancy not to murder or steal (hopefully). Why are we taught these things? Because it is natural to do them.

Will we see the Mormon Moment reflected in baptism numbers?

Cebu City, Philippines Mormon Temple

If you are one of my [awesome, welcome, much appreciated, fun, very cool] non-Mormon readers, the following post will require a bit of explanation. Keep reading, I explain things. If you are a Mormon, go ahead and jump down to the bold words.
Every year the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints hold its Annual General Conference in the spring, and the Semi-Annual General Conference in the fall. It is held in the same sort of format any business or corporation might hold an annual meeting- key speakers, addresses from general officers, and the reading of membership numbers. It is held in 5 sessions over 2 days. And it feels a lot more like a church meeting than a corporate annual meeting.
You can learn more about it here-


General Conference is upon us. Sometimes we watch conference in hopes of hearing answers to questions in our hearts and minds. Sometimes we watch expecting to hear answers to questions we didn’t know we have yet. But this year, amongst the spiritual growth and knowledge I seek, I will look for one much more tangible piece of information. A detail I have never given much thought or consideration to before.
The annual reading of the numbers. It’s usually ignored, overlooked, forgotten, or read while I take a quick bathroom break, or go off in search of snacks. It is rarely the moment in conference that brings much clarity or enlightenment. But this year it is different.
There are several sets of numbers read off during the “Statistical Report.” The number of stakes, missions, districts, wards, membership, convert baptisms, missionaries, and temples, are read for the general membership. And this year I will be listening for two specific numbers- number of convert baptisms, and the number of full-time missionaries serving.
The reason for listening for the growth in full-time missionaries serving is fairly obvious. With the age change for missionary service, it is expected this number will have grown significantly. I look forward to hearing it!
But the number of convert baptisms may not be as obvious. (It’s a little too soon to see results from the increase in the number of missionaries.) I want to see if the campaign of former Governor Mitt Romney, the resulting “Mormon Moment,” and the new Church public relations and advertising campaign, has resulted in new baptisms.
A few weeks ago I sat down and looked up the past numbers over the last decade for convert baptisms and number of missionaries serving full-time missions. In case you would like to follow along with me, here they are-


    Convert Baptisms    Difference in Year Before    Percent of Change
May-02                        292,612        
May-03                        283,138                                            (9,474)    -3%
May-04                        242,923                                          (40,215)    -14%
May-05                        241,239                                            (1,684)    -1%
May-06                        243,108                                               1,869     1%
May-07                        272,845                                            29,737     12%
May-08                        279,218                                               6,373     2%
May-09                        265,593                                          (13,625)    -5%
May-10                        280,106                                            14,513     5%
May-11                        272,814                                            (7,292)    -3%
May-12                        281,312                                               8,498     3%


I see no obvious pattern or expectation for growth (or decline) in the number of baptisms from year to year.

What is interesting is the very predictable growth in numbers of overall church membership. Over the last ten years the number for overall growth is consistently 2-3%.

Year    Overall Membership    New Members    Percent of Growth
May-02                         11,394,522        
May-03                         11,721,548                    327,026     3%
May-04                         11,985,254                    263,706     2%
May-05                         12,275,822                    290,568     2%
May-06                         12,560,869                    285,047     2%
May-07                         12,868,606                    307,737     2%
May-08                         13,193,999                    325,393     3%
May-09                         13,508,509                    314,510     2%
May-10                         13,824,854                    316,345     2%
May-11                         14,131,467                    306,613     2%
May-12                         14,441,346                    309,879     2%

And as for missionary numbers? Not a lot of growth, or decrease, over the last 10 years. It's a pretty steady number, that seems to only fluctuate with birth rates.

	Missionaries
May-02	60,850
May-03	61,638
May-04	56,237
May-05	51,067
May-06	52,060
May-07	53,164
May-08	52,686
May-09	52,494
May-10	51,736
May-11	52,225
May-12	55,410

I don't know that there has been enough time yet to see if the "Mormon Moment" (which is the culmination of the Romney campaign and the Church PR blitz of the past year, not to mention the Broadway musical, "The Book of Mormon") to have truly have quantifiable numbers. I don't know that the Church really looks for a return on investment (ROI) when it does its campaigns. (Mormons, "the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" brings new meaning here, when deciding how exactly how you would calculate the ROI. "If it so be that ye should labor all your days, and bring but one soul unto me...") And then again, maybe the "Mormon Moment" doesn't have to pay off or result in baptisms. Maybe it just results in higher awareness and understanding of Mormons? (The marketing professional in me is having a field day comparing these things to marketing metrics.)
What do you think? And what do you think we'll hear in the numbers on Saturday afternoon?