Unlimited LDS Audiobooks and Ebooks - All on YOUR Smartphone!

What does a 30 day FREE membership get you? 

1,500 free ebooks

500 audiobooks

All on your smartphone!

Deseret Book has launched it's new ebook and audiobook service called Bookshelf Plus. And for a monthly fee of $9.99, or an annual membership of $99/yr, you get access to thousands of books. 

I am a book fanatic. (I don't just write books, I avidly ready them too.) I listen to or read a new book almost every 3 days. But it can be very hard to find LDS ebooks at a reasonable price! Drives me crazy! So it is a great gift that I can FINALLY access the Deseret Book catalog, and listen to them on my phone. 

Fun fact- The subscription/membership (service) is called Bookshelf Plus - that's the membership/subscription service that allows you to read or listen to UNLIMITED ebooks and audiobooks.
The actual app you download (from the Google Play store or the Apple iTunes store) to your phone is called the Deseret Bookshelf. You can use Bookshelf without a Plus membership. You will just be limited to a small amount of free materials. You can still use the app to buy ebooks/audiobooks at regular price.

To clarify- pay for a membership with Plus, and you get access to THOUSANDS of free books. Without a membership, pay regular price to buy ebooks. 

Bonus- when I downloaded the Bookshelf, it wasn't some crazy huge app that killed the memory on my iPhone 6. (With over 1,000 pictures on my phone, mostly of my adorable baby nephew Charlie, free space on my phone is a thing of the past. And don't even dare suggest I remove some of the pictures!) 

When you download the app, it comes with links/icons for official Church materials (Gospel Doctrine lesson book, Teachings of the Prophets, etc) right on the front. It even has links to the most recent General Conference talks right there the minute you download the app. That's links to both the audio and e-book version, which is really convenient. There are even links to classic church talks, and to free literary classics (I immediately downloaded Les Mis and Large Catechism (by Martin Luther)). 

You can see from my phone screenshots below how easy it is to download a book. You see it in the "discover" tab, click on it, then click download and open, and voila, it downloads. That fast and easy. And because you have your annual membership, you don't have to pay for it!

Don't forget the 30 day free trial membership if you aren't sure you want to commit yet! But you will want to commit, trust me. It's great!

Let's say you wanted to buy my first published book, "Beyond Perfection." If you check it out on Amazon, the Kindle version is $14.99 (of which yours truly gets something like 50 cents if you buy it.) (Seriously, moms, don't let your babies grow up to be authors.) 

On Deseret Book, you only have to pay $9.99.  But if you have a Bookshelf Plus membership and the Deseret Bookshelf app, YOU GET IT FOR FREE!

If you are a regular consumer of Mormon books, LDS Church materials, clean e-books, and uplifting audiobooks, you are going to love this new offering from Deseret Book. 

RECAP-

DESERET BOOK BOOKSHELF PLUS MEMBERSHIP

30 DAY FREE TRIAL!!

THOUSANDS of free e-books! THOUSANDS!!

Tons of audiobooks that you can't get anywhere else!

After your 30 day free trial, it's either $9.99/mo, OR $99/yr. 

And you can get it all on your smartphone. 

Affiliate Blogger Disclaimer- I did not get paid to write this post. I am a beta user and blogger of the product. If you use my links to purchase the Deseret Book Bookshelf Plus membership, I receive a commission. But it no way, shape, or form, effects the cost of your membership or purchases for me to receive the commission. 

DC Midsingles Conference! Sept 16-18, 2016

The 2016 DC Midsingles Conference is coming! I was part of the co-chairs that planned it in 2014, and I'm doing my part to help support the co-chairs of 2016.

They have an amazing event planned out. Party at the Hard Rock Cafe, Saturday activities, the annual formal dress night will be at the Institute of Peace (one of the more beautiful venues in DC), music, Sunday services, and more.

This conference has been bringing in about 500 people for the last 3 years and this year they are hoping to take it even bigger.

Registration starts at $115-135 depending on when you register.

Check out their Facebook event or group, and/or visit dcmidsinglesconference.com to register.

If I still live on the East Coast on Sept 16, I can guarantee I will be there! (If I live in Utah by then, we'll have to wait and see.)

Elder Oaks, I Am Not Afflicted. I Am An Asset.

Dear Elder Oaks:

You broke my heart tonight. You compared my beautiful life to disease, disability, and depression. You called my marital status an affliction. I have never been so hurt before. Your words hurt me in ways I didn't know possible. As difficult and lonely as my path may be, it is not an affliction.
I know that you meant well and that your words were meant to be ones of comfort. You spoke of the Atonement and how Christ knows my pain. You explained that the Savior often walked alone and knew and understood what it means to be lonely. I agree and I believe. I am grateful for the intent of your words. It is why I am not offended or angry.
Just truly broken-hearted.
Imagine a mother finding out that her child is considered disabled. Or a person finding out they have a disease. How crushing it must be in those moments. That's exactly how I felt when you called my life an "affliction."
I know there are many who took comfort in your words. There are plenty of singles who were grateful to be acknowledged for their pain. And I am very happy for them. It did mean a lot to hear a General Authority acknowledge the challenges of being single with more than just routine commentary about dating. I am grateful that you respected and spoke of the pain we often feel. But again, I am not afflicted with singlehood. And it hurts me to be labeled as such.
The diseased and disabled and those with afflictions require extra service and attention. They are not able to give as much service and sacrifice to the Church [without considerable assistance from others]. Singles should not be put into the same category or consideration as these special demographics.
I am the Young Women's President in my ward. I have been in several YW presidencies. I am a temple worker. I have been a Primary worker, a Relief Society teacher, a ward missionary, and conference co-chair.  I give more of my time to the Church than your average person. And I always have.
My marital status is not an affliction. It is an assistance and blessing to others. It has never held me back. It frees me to serve and help others in ways that a married parent cannot do. I am an asset to others.
I am, however, afflicted with people who do not understand or relate to my situation. I've always found that odd. Weren't we all born single? How is it so hard for married people to remember what it was like to be single? I am afflicted with people who give bad advice. I am afflicted by people who think that being single is a choice, or that dating should be the same at 40 as it was at 20.Where is the advice for dating over 30? Surely when you were dating your second wife you must have noticed that it wasn't the same as dating when you were in college. Why has no one ever offered anything other than comfort to us? Why has no one ever acknowledged that singles are an asset to the Church? And that our lives are just as full of joy as they are of pain? Why is it so taboo to acknowledge that singles can have happy and fulfilling lives? If you don't want us to feel afflicted, acknowledge our contributions and potential.
I am afflicted with a great deal of pain every time I am treated like a second rate citizen at church. For instance, the time I had to sit through a YW lesson about female role models, that by definition excluded me as a role model because I am single. (Ironic that I am the YW president, but not considered a role model.)
I admit and recognize that loneliness can feel like an affliction. I do not belittle that fact.
Being single can be hard. But it is not a disease. It is not a disability. It's not an affliction. It's simply a state of being. Your words came on a day where I was feeling more pain and loneliness than usual. I found no comfort in your words. Instead, this new label made me feel worse, like I had no purpose or meaning. I had no idea people thought such an awful thing about me. And it hurt more coming from you, than anyone else. After all, you are the one Church leader who experienced singlehood and dating later in life. I always thought you understood us better.
Please reconsider calling singles "afflicted." Acknowledge us for all that we give the Church. Acknowledge that we are assets. And that we do it alone. We do just as much, if not more, than our married counterparts, and we do it without a support system.
I am grateful for your words of comfort. "Sometimes His power heals an infirmity, but the scriptures and our experiences teach that sometimes He succors or helps by giving us the strength or patience to endure our infirmities." These are words of comfort for many things. But please, do not call my marital status an infirmity. I am so much more than that. I am an asset. And I am a daughter of God.

Not All Knights in Shining Armor Remember to Wear Shining Armor

I pride myself on being a fairly self-sufficient individual. I support myself. I can cook, bake, and decorate a nice home. I’ve made sure to also learn those less feminine skills that gender roles designate are more of a masculine duty, like changing the oil in my car, fixing a flat tire, or jumping the car battery.

I’ve never wanted to be a burden on anyone. And as a single woman, I find it wise and prudent to be able to do most things myself and not need to call for help for every little thing. And if I can’t do it myself (I admit, I have a few limitations) I make sure there is enough money to hire someone who can. I admit it, I hate to ask for help.

But even the best laid plans of a determined, fiercely independent woman sometimes things go awry. And from these SNAFUs we often learn our greatest lessons.

When It All Goes Wrong

So there I was, ready to hit the road with friends for a ski trip. Now, let me explain what this entails for all of you western U.S. types. Ski resorts in this part of the world can often be found in remote locations, and not just twenty minutes up the nearest canyon. In our case, it was a good three hours away, in a far off state park in a different state, and to say it was in “the sticks” wouldn’t be wrong.

We hit the road at six in the morning, most of us operating on less than five hours of sleep. We stopped on our way out of town to pick up one more friend out in the suburbs. We passed by a gas station that always brings up mixed emotions for me. It was the worst day of my life the last time I was at that gas station, and just the sight of it makes me choke up. It was a place where a few years ago I realized my life had officially hit rock bottom. I’ll forgo the details of what rock bottom looks like. But I’ll say this much- rock bottom is an awful and horrible place.

Worst Day Ever

But that gas station was also the place where two important events happened in my life. The first was that I learned how to accept and appreciate the true kindness and charity of strangers who correctly suspected I had hit rock bottom and helped me. The second was I learned how to ask a friend for help, and accept his generous assistance. Allowing my friend to see me in such an awful situation taught me a new level of humility and honesty. But his willingness to help me before even knew what the problem was, taught me what a good man can be. So when my skiing buddies and I passed by that poignant little gas station, my heart filled with gratitude and memories yet again.

Little did I know what the day ahead held for us, or else I would have considered staying behind at that gas station.

We passed the gas station and drove on. It was less than an hour later that I looked in the rear view of the 1997 Suburban I was driving and saw clouds of white steam pouring out the back. I should add here that I normally don’t drive this jalopy. It’s on loan to me while my much younger car gets an expensive transmission and clutch repaired. I’m incredibly grateful for the loaner jalopy, even though the rest of this story may make you wonder why.

Other cars quickly started to flag me down as the small cloud of steam turned into a massive cloud of steam. I exited the highway, with the other car of friends, following right behind. Of course, I managed to pull off on the one exit on that highway that doesn’t have a gas station, let alone any sort of business or dwelling, anywhere in sight.

Admittedly, I had no idea how to handle the situation. Steam pouring from the front and back of the car at the same time was not something I’ve experienced before. I was lost. And I felt horrible because it was obvious I was about to ruin the day for my friends.

Never Trust a Jalopy, Always Trust Men in Carhartts

4 Lies Singles Shouldn't Believe

1. If you are single, there is something wrong with you. You shouldn’t be happy with your life if you are single.

Being single does not mean you are inherently wrong, broken, or incomplete. It simply and only means that you are not married.

You should be happy with your life, regardless of your situation in life. No matter what your marital status, life will throw you curveballs, complications, tragedies, and extreme happiness. There’s a reason they compare it to a roller coaster. Your job, your entire purpose in life, is to be happy. “Men are that they might have joy.” (2 Nephi 2:25) There was no exception given for, “Except the single people. They have to stay miserable forever.”

Believing the lie that single people are less valuable or important, or that being unmarried means you aren’t loved, is a dangerous and awful trap. It opens the path to doubts that question your worth as a child of God. It cheapens the belief that every Child of God has a purpose and a reason for existence. It creates doubt in your own individual worth, and fuels the fires that lead to body image struggles and spiritual doubts.

Sister Kristen Oaks told a CES Devotional, (September 2011), “I say to those of you who may lead a single life: depend on the Lord, enjoy every opportunity, and delight in the life you have. Women were born to nurture, and we are surrounded by opportunities to do soin our Church callings, families, neighborhoods, and communities. Relish those opportunities.

To the men: We live in a world that teaches that education and financial security should precede marriage. The Lord teaches otherwise. In the interim before marriage, I also see many of you enjoying travel, video games, boys’ night out, and free meals. Men, the sisters need you to be the most valiant you can be. This is true, and I want you to listen: In the Lord’s plan, those of you who marry will progress to a degree that you never imagined. That is a promise.”

If you are not single, ask yourself if your words and actions towards your unmarried friends, family, and acquaintances, values them as a Child of God, or shows your lack of acceptance of them because they are not married?

2. There are no good ones left. I’ll never meet anyone.

I won’t pretend it doesn’t feel like this sometimes. But the truth is, there are thousands and thousands of worthy, active, and attractive LDS singles out there. If you haven’t found one yet, you just haven’t looked everywhere.

Get in the car and drive a few hours to a singles conference in another city or state. Do a Google search and find more online dating sites. Join one (or more) of the dozens of LDS singles Facebook groups. Contact old flames. Contact old friends and ask them to set you up. Don’t just sit at home, attend one stake singles activity a year, and declare that there are no fish in the sea.

And don’t forget to continue to improve your own appearance and offerings. Are you putting your best foot forward?

How to Fellowship the Singles

We live in a world where married couples far outnumber singles, or at least it feels like they do. And then at Church they really do outnumber and overshadow the singles. This is a wonderful thing! Thank goodness there are so many marriages and families. However, walking into church week after week not sure who you’re going to sit with while observing a sea of heads resting on shoulders and hands being held can immediately make a single feel like the odd man out. The singleton who wants to marry and loves the Gospel experiences a wide range of emotions in regards to this particular season of life. At one’s deepest core, one desires to be loved (as we all do). No one wants to feel excluded, singled out, or left out. 

And yet, even at church, the one place we truly seek (and expect) to be loved and included, it is very easy to be left out, excluded, and misunderstood. The language used at church often excludes the singles inadvertently. Conversations leave out singles because married people apparently forget how to talk to a person who doesn’t have a spouse, as if they weren’t once single themselves. Singles leave the Church every day because people ignore them, instead of just saying hello.

Here are four ways you can better embrace, love, include, and fellowship, and speak to the singles in your ward.

Affirm, Validate, and Encourage. Don’t Assume or Attempt to Fix.

Everyone likes to be encouraged. Everyone should be encouraged! Affirming and building one another up is something we are called to do for each other. This is a call that applies to every person you are in relationship with, not just singles. Affirm and validate their choices to be at church. Affirm and validate their hard work. Affirm and validate their service to the community, church, and their family. Affirm all good decisions. And if you don’t know what good decisions they may be making, get to know them well enough so that you can. Singles often struggle with their choices and decisions because their life lacks validation. (I want to stop myself here and point out that validation is a terrible word to describe this. I don’t mean they want someone to pat them on the back and tell them they do everything right. But married couples, and those who live with their families, have other people in their lives who help with decision-making, and other people who have a vested interest in the job, decisions, and choices of another person. Singles are very much alone in this respect. There is often no one with a vested interest in their lives. No one who cares about a good or bad day. And no one to give heartfelt advice on tough decisions.) There isn’t another person with a vested interest in what he or she does, which makes some decisions a lot easier to make and others really difficult. Be there for your single friends and family, offer advice, and affirm and validate their choices.

Assumptions about why a person is still single can be very hurtful. Marriage is not a goal, it is a gift. It is a calling and/or gift that is not extended to all. There are many singles who remain single for no specific or obvious reason. When someone wonders why they are not yet married (especially women) the last thing s/he wants is for someone to take a magnifying glass to her heart to diagnose its condition. What the person really wants is compassion, comfort, and love.

Unless you have been specifically asked by the person to help fix them, it isn’t your job to do so. We are all called to serve and sharpen one another and [as the Lord leads] encourage one another toward a Gospel-centered life. But we all have the right to choose to be who we are and be held accountable for our own choices, not the choices of others forced upon us. Under no circumstance should we try to “fix” each other as it takes away accountability. Love, affirm, validate, and encourage instead of criticize and fix.

There are all kinds of people who are married. Ugly people, smart people, stupid people, people with really bad teeth and hair, people with good jobs, people without jobs, people with bad credit, people with big bank accounts, people with divorces, people who have never been kissed. Sometimes it feels like people will marry just about anyone these days- except for “me.” Which tells me that there is no such thing as “marriage material.” Resist the urge to “fix” your single friends. (Unless it is to give a few helpful hints regarding fashion, halitosis, and/or body odors.)

Singles spend far too much time comparing themselves to married people and wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” “How did he convince a woman to go out with him, let alone marry him, and I can’t?” So why would you want to add to their burdens with your criticisms and critiques.

What a loving Father in Heaven wants His children to know is that they are loved and are of great worth. “The worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” There is no clarifier on that that says, “The worth of married people is greater than single people, especially the singles over 30.” When others (in an effort to help) fill a single’s head with a lot of “maybe this is why you are single,” it only makes the person feel of less worth.

And while I am at it, please stop calling single men a ‘menace to society.’ Chances are you are taking the quote completely out of context and using it wrong, degrading and insulting the thousands of very good single men in the Church.

Ask and Be Willing to Receive

Some of this will depend on the personality of the single person in your life, so proceed with caution. But there are few things I can share with you that come from such a raw and humble place in my heart.

Singles, by their very status in life, are alone. There are few people in their lives that they can share things with. They often live far from their families. Roommates aren’t always close friends or confidantes. Their other single friends are often similarly burdened. Singles are, whether they want to be or not, a very isolated island.

To be remembered and acknowledged in even just the simplest of ways can make a world of difference. A simple “how was work” text, or comment on a Sunday, can mean everything to a person who never gets asked how their day was, and doesn’t have another person to share their life with. Sometimes it is the littlest things that can make the biggest difference.

I’m not afraid to admit that my favorite reason for working with the youth and primary is all of the hugs. I live alone. I can go for weeks without any physical touch from another person. The unsolicited, uninhibited hugs from my “little friends” in the primary and youth program, are often the only touches I will get for months. When a “little friend” draws me a picture it can make my whole month just to think that someone thought of me for a brief moment. Remember how lonely and isolated a single person can be next time you have the chance to sit with one. Reach out and include them. You may never know how much they needed to be noticed that day.

Include and Embrace

Every time a Relief Society teacher says, “What can we do as mothers…” a childless woman gets knocked down again. This includes the single women. Re-evaluate your words and the real intent of the lesson, and include every member of your ward. Each member is of great worth. Not just the parents, and not just the married ones. Couldn’t the question as easily have been, “What can we do as women?”

When you plan ward activities, are you remembering to include ALL of the members of your ward, including the singles? Or are the activities so family-centered that the singles are excluded? There are lots of ways to plan activities that are fun for small children that don’t unintentionally exclude the adults without children.

When speaking to the youth about the different phases of their adult lives, don’t leave out the single phase. When asking special guests to come speak to the youth, ask for the input of a single adult as well. Chances are good that fifty percent of the youth will go inactive in the Church if they are not married by age twenty-five. If they were to see how the Church still applies to them by seeing and hearing more from single adults, would they stay active? And will that single adult feel more included and appreciated?

Do Not Use If/Then Statements

There may be nothing that irks me more than when I am told, “It’s when you let go and are ok with being single that you’ll meet someone.” Or “Relationships happen when you least expect them.” If either one of these platitudes were true, I’d have met a dozen men a dozen times over by now. Where it may have happened to you or your child or sister or brother this way, it’s just not a concrete fact. A loving, merciful Heavenly Father doesn’t use reverse psychology on His children and He certainly doesn’t employ complicated dating formulas for us to figure out and follow.

Contentment doesn’t bring about blessings, willingness to submit to the Father’s will does. By telling a single person that they need to be cool with being single before they can be married, you have (most likely unintentionally) encouraged them to live according to a “works-based” mentality. Ideas and beliefs like this create a manipulative relationship with God. (If I pay my tithing today, I’ll get a raise tomorrow. I better read extra scriptures tonight so that I get an A on my exam. I got a flat tire because I missed church yesterday.) What is more helpful, is to lovingly encourage a single in his/her relationship with the Gospel. Share with her how He has proven himself enough for you personally in difficult seasons of life. (You would be surprised just how well single women relate to the emotions of infertility.)

Fellowship the Singles

Include, love, embrace, and speak to the singles. Your simple actions of just saying hello and asking someone how they are doing can help not just make someone’s day brighter, but also help keep that person in the Church.

Do not forget your singles. Fellowship them. Don’t let them disappear because you didn’t speak up.

"Friends" vs Real Life and Friends

I haven't blogged much lately (well, for the better part of the past year I suppose) because I've lost interest in talking about my private life so publicly, and I write more on my Author Page on Facebook now.
But lately I have felt like writing a few things, so maybe the blog will rise again.
Or not.
This week was very unusual for me as I had kidney stone surgery (sort of). A few weeks ago, right after our family cruise, I thought I had severe back pain. And I probably did have actual, regular back pain (from traveling and riding a horse in Mexico with the worst saddle I've ever seen). The back pain was bad enough that I didn't recognize the symptoms of kidney stones until it was too late. I was in so much pain I decided to go to the E.R., which required either an ambulance or a friend to take me, as I was in no condition to drive. I texted everyone I could think of who wouldn't be at work at that time, and found one wonderful friend to take me. Even as I waited for her to pick me up, I debated calling an ambulance. But ultimately didn't take an ambulance because I was worried I wouldn't be able to get to the door fast enough to let them in.
These are the real problems of being single and living alone. How to keep from dying alone in your own home because there was no one else around to open the door for you. As it was, it took me nearly 30 minutes to slowly move across my bed to reach my phone to call for help.
I've been watching "Friends" a lot on Netflix for the past few weeks. (Being bedridden from kidney stones and then the surgery will do that to you.) Sure it's a sitcom and far from reality. But I think sometimes all these silly TV shows that glamorize single life do a huge disservice to actual singles. Life isn't like it is on "Friends" where everyone is buddies with the cute guys/girls across the hall, and everyone comes and goes and eats each other's food. I don't know my neighbors' names. Believe me, as I was sobbing in pain, praying for a miracle that someone, somehow would know that I was in need of help at that moment, I wracked my memory trying to think of a neighbor's name I could yell out to get help. But the truth is, I could probably recognize one guy who lives on my floor, but I've never asked his name. But of the other 2 apartments, and presumably 5 other adults who live here, I have no idea what they look like, or what their names are. (I don't even really know that 5 people live on this floor.)
And it has always been like this. I never know my neighbors or anything about them. They are just people who could afford the same amount of rent I can, and need to live in the same area. We have nothing else in common. We don't even speak the same language.
On "Friends" they do everything together. They hang out in the coffee shop. They spend holidays together. They go on vacations together. Again, sure, it's a sitcom, and it's all fiction. But the truth is, when I want to go see a movie, and invite friends, it takes a week's notice, and 50 text messages for all of us to agree on something.
I had little to no expectations for my friends to be able to drop everything and come assist me after my surgery this week. I have been grateful for the few friends who have made the time and effort to come over and help me out. (I really was bedridden all of Tuesday and Wednesday. Today I was able to shower on my own, and I think by the end of the day I will be able to walk my dog.) I know my friends love me and would help me if they could. But the truth is that life is nothing like it is on TV. Friends can't make time sacrifices like that to always be there for you. When you are single, your job is to look out for yourself. You don't have the luxury of assuming other people will be able to help you out.
Part of me finds this all a bit ironic and funny. Because I definitely get the impression from non-singles, that they assume that since I have no family to tend to, that when they need help, I should be able to drop everything and be there for them. (And I often do.) But when a single person needs help, it can be far more difficult to find someone to give the help.
I'm grateful for the system my church has in place to provide help and compassionate service when needed. Yesterday a woman from my congregation that I didn't know showed up with dinner for me, and took my dog out for a big walk. (The dog came home one very happy pooch, which is good, because help isn't coming to walk her for a few more hours today.) She didn't know me. She just knew I needed help because of our compassionate service system. Next week she is having surgery, and I've signed up to repay the favor by assisting her. (Although there is no expectation that I should do so. I did it because I want to.)
If it weren't for the compassionate service through the church I don't know how I would get by this week. I know my mother wishes she could be here. And my sister has offered to come help me (but she lives over an hour away without traffic, and has a full-time job, plus goes to college at night, so it's hard for us to work it out).
Single life is not what it ever appears to be like on TV or in movies. Singles aren't a codependent happy bunch of people who do everything together. They are floating, independent ships, looking for a comfortable place to anchor and find reserves and supplies.
As for the rest of my story and situation, I did have surgery on my kidneys on Tuesday. I'm recovering as well as can be expected. I have high hopes that tomorrow I can leave the house (for a job interview). I also have high hopes that I will be able to sleep for more than 3 hours before the painkillers wear off and the pain wakes me back up. Sleep would really make me happy right about now. I do expect to return to regular life by Monday. We haven't completely solved the mystery of my kidneys yet, and that situation is far from over. I expect there will be another surgery next month, but I'm going to push that off for as long as possible. I have no desire to "recover" from another procedure for a good long time. 

Back from the dead- I mean the midsingles conference!

For the past several months I've been so completely engrossed in planning the midsingles conference that my blog had to take a back burner. If I had time to sit, relax, and write like that, I had time to be working on the conference. 

But the conference is finally over! And I'm slowly coming back to life! The recovery period from the conference has taken a little (lot) longer than I anticipated. For some reason I thought all I would need was a few days to sleep and unwind and I'd be back to normal. That was just crazy talk! Instead it has taken 3 full weeks of sleeping and just letting it all go! 

My spark of imagination and creativity is starting to come back as well. I actually want to write again. Finally!

Which reminds me that I haven't actually blogged about the conference itself. Maybe I will write something more descriptive later. But for now, here are the details-

We had 510 attendees. Considering when we started this process we were planning on 350-400, that was an overwhelming and amazing turnout. 

Our conference was different from all other conferences ever for several reasons. But the biggest and most important reason was that early on I had a phone call with Elder Clayton Christensen, who advised me to try something different. I took his advice and that changed everything. Most conferences take an approach of entertain and educate. That's all they do. They figure all it takes is you stick a bunch of singles all in one place and keep them occupied, and they will meet and marry. Right? Isn't that how it all works? 

Well, according to Elder Christensen, there is far more to it than that. He told us that if you want to get to know someone, you need to solve a problem with them. That's how you really see what a person is like, and learn about them. So he suggested that we have him speak for an hour about the problem and problem solving. We then had another speaker give more specifics on the problem. From there, we broke everyone up into small groups to "solve" the problem. 

The problem we chose was the singles program. We asked 510 single adults to sit down in groups of 20 and come up with their ideas for how they would restructure the singles program in the church. 

I was so nervous! This method had been tried in Boston and I had heard very good things. But it was very hard to pitch this idea to people and get them excited. I felt like I spent months trying to hype it up via word of mouth. 

Blessedly, people loved this. They loved solving the problem and feeling like they made a difference. They loved getting to meet people. They really liked this very new format! I am getting so much feedback about how much people enjoyed the small groups. I am so glad we did it!

My big thing that I wanted from the very beginning of the planning process was wanting a matchmaking opportunity. When I was in high school I went to a youth conference where we took a personality test in advance, and when we arrived at the conference they gave us a list of the people we matched with. I really wanted to make this happen, but I have to admit, making it happen was one of the most difficult parts of this conference. Finally in the eleventh hour a great possibility came up and we made it work. Again, I am so glad we did this! It turned out great!!  When people arrived on Friday night we gave them their list of matches. Immediately people dove right into it, looking around to meet their matches. I have to laugh about it now, but for a few minutes we actually had to stop the party and convince people to walk into the main room! Everyone was clogging up the reception area while they stood around and looked at their lists. Nobody was walking into the actual party! It was the first of many times I would hear myself say, "this is a good problem to have." 

And believe me, I said that a lot over the course of the weekend. 

I'm not in the mood right now to give a play by play of the whole weekend. So I'll stop here and save the rest for some other day. 

Getting to plan this conference was a huge responsibility and a great blessing. I have made so many wonderful friends and seen the best in so many people. I stretched my own abilities (and patience and endurance) farther than ever knew was possible before. And every last bit of it was worth it to see so many people enjoying themselves and making new friends. Out of 510 attendees, we only had one negative feedback email. (And that person really was quite ridiculous. She stayed for 30 minutes, didn't participate in anything, and left. Her loss.) 

When I got this calling back in January, I went home and cried. I didn't cry because I knew it would be a ton of work. I cried because I knew that when you try to put on an event for 510 (350) people to come closer to God, the adversary is going to work his hardest on you to keep you from reaching your goal. And that had me scared and humbled enough to cry. 

And I cried the day it was all over and we survived. We won. We pulled it off! 

The last thing I want to say is that none of this could have happened without our amazing team of volunteers. I had an incredible co-chair/partner in Derek. We never once divvied up who would handle what, except that I insisted he handle the money. We just equally carried the weight and helped each other out. (Ladies, I can't stop singing his praises. He's pretty dang amazing.) We had 4 women (Nichole, Valerie, Kimberly, and Candace) who each carried the weight of a big event/detail (FOOD!). Derek and I handled everything else, and trusted them to do their parts. All in all, we had 121 volunteers kick in and help pull this conference off. (510 attendees and 121 volunteers- is there any wonder we were exhausted?) 

Co-chair Derek and me acting like we're not ridiculously tired and running solely on caffeine. 

Singles Awareness Day

(Reprinted from Meridian Magazine, February 2012)

You didn't think I was going to let February 14 go by without acknowledging the most dreaded day of all singles, did you? Never fear, my single friends, I am here to commiserate with you! I will share my worst experience with you, but in return, I expect to hear your awful stories in the comments below.

I will never forget my worst Valentine's Day ever, but to say that indicates that somewhere along the way I have had a good Valentine's Day. The truth is, even on the years where I had a boyfriend on February 14, I've never had a good, romantic, worthy of recording it in my journal, or even just calling my best friend, kind of day. I've had pretty much nothing but really lousy Valentine's Days. (Unless you count the year I was going through fire-fighting school and I got to rappel down the side of a burning building, getting the best time in my class, as a good day.)

No, I've had some pretty rotten V-days. I'm one of those singles who would prefer to just sleep through the day, never being forced to see all of the people wearing pink and red, carrying flowers and balloons in the hallways at work, while giving cheery answers to questions like, “So do you have any fun Valentine's plans?” No, I plan to be at home watching NCIS and hanging out with my dog, just like I do on most Tuesday nights. The only thing different is this week I won't get to eat Indian take-out while watching TV, because I have to avoid all restaurants at all costs, so as to not be seen alone in my alone-ness. Which is stupid, quite frankly, because, I'm alone in my alone-ness all the time! I go into restaurants and eat alone pretty regularly. But no, once a year, all those gross lovey-dovey people have to go and ruin it for me, and I'm stuck at home eating Lean Cuisine instead.

But back to the worst Valentine's Day ever. I tell you this story at great risk to myself. I have no idea if the man involved will ever read this. I'm going to assume that he doesn't, since he's never told me so (but then, we haven't talked in 16 years, so I don't know that he would. And he probably won't now either). If you just happen to be that man, I hope you too can see the humor in this story now!

I was just barely nineteen at the time. One of those BYU stories of the girl that got engaged just six months out of high school to a guy she had only known a matter of weeks. But of course, not really engaged, just verbally engaged without a ring. Nonetheless, the point is, I had a significant other on Valentine's Day. I had expectations. I had dreams. I had very big plans. After all, we were just recently and verbally agreed to be married! I was owed a diamond! Me and my nineteen years of wisdom knew exactly how this day would play out, and it would end in a hugely, overly romantic love story to tell our grandchildren someday!

Obviously, that didn't happen.

What did happen is he had an exam that day. And I, being a college student with big wedding plans, had taken a temp job working in the BYU on-campus florist. (Exactly why does a university need an on-campus florist, by the way? If not only to further encourage silly college romances?) It was working at my temp job that day that I discovered just how wretched allergies can be, and that I am horribly allergic to many types of flowers. After eight straight hours of flower arranging, and being surrounded by all those (painful) pretty smells, I was in complete misery. However, let's keep it to the obvious facts here. I was also an overly romantic and sentimental mostly verbally engaged nineteen year old in a flower shop on Valentines Day. Do you see where I am going here? I may have actually woken up that morning still a somewhat reasonable person. By the end of my shift making other people's romantic gifts, I was expecting a 12 piece string orchestra, dozens and dozens of roses, a steak dinner, and more than one diamond ring. Wouldn't you?

I spent most of the money I earned that day right there in the florist buying him a gift and having it delivered. It was a teddy bear, a balloon, and some roses that I personally picked out and arranged. Because what red-blooded, American male college student doesn't want a teddy bear, balloon, and roses?

After work I went to my room and primped. For what? I didn't know. I just knew it was Valentine's Day and obviously the man who was verbally committed to giving me a diamond ring was going to be doing something grand. I waited and waited. And my allergies and sinus infection grew worse and worse, not helped by the two dozen roses my roommate had received taking up real estate in our tiny room. Finally my phone rang saying I had a delivery at the front desk. Expecting nothing less than a limousine and other fantastic gestures I ran downstairs.

And picked up another dozen roses some guy had sent my roommate.

I returned to my room, checked my messages to make sure I hadn't missed my beloved's call (I hadn't), and resumed my flights of fancy.

The phone rang again.

I ran back to the front desk.

Where I found the teddy bear, roses, and balloon I had sent my significant other waiting for me. The delivery guy had sent it to the wrong person. Oh and the receipt was still attached. I took the receipt off and had them call the right person. And returned to my room.

I kid you not, I walked in the door and the phone rang again.

Back to the front desk.

Another dozen roses for my roommate.

Where was my roommate you might ask? Out on a date with her boyfriend, who was not the bequeathor of the now four dozen roses in my tiny little dorm room. Also, I was starting to resent my roommate just a little bit. Yes, I had that kind of roommate who just got dozens of roses randomly sent to her by men she barely knew. And yet, I still loved her anyway.

For several more hours I sat there patiently in my room, my head throbbing with a sinus infection, blowing my nose, getting sicker by the minute. It was 10pm before he called.I almost didn't answer it because I was convinced it was going to be the front desk calling with an entire rose garden for my roommate.But it was my mostly betrothed, so I went down to see him, Kleenex and all.

He thanked me for my cute little gift, and told me all about his big exam, and how it had taken all day. He finally noticed I was sick and offered me back the teddy bear I had given him. “The bear? The stupid little bear? I don't want the bear! Just give me my stinking engagement ring!!!” was sloshing with rage through my very congested head.

Did I mention we were in a classroom? We were two car-less college students without a lot of options. A lot of our “dates” were just sitting in empty classrooms or study rooms talking.

So there we were- me with the worst sinus infection in history bubbling out of my nose, and him with that dumb bear I gave him. He finally reaches into his backpack and tells me to close my eyes and put out my hands. I only put out my left hand, palm down. He turned my hand over and put a plastic take out container in it before I opened my eyes.

A frosted sugar cookie.

But not just any frosted sugar cookie. A broken frosted sugar cookie with “Be Mine” iced onto it.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was expecting an engagement ring, and I got a broken cookie.

Did I mention I hate sugar cookies?

He explained it got smashed in his backpack, and the frosting smeared a little bit. Yes, yes, I could see that.

And that, my friends, is the only time, ever, in nearly 20 years of dating, that a significant other has given me something on Valentine's Day. Sure, I've had other boyfriends on that date, but none of them have ever given me something or done anything nice for me on that day.

I've learned my lesson about getting my hopes up, or thinking men are ever on the same page as women when it comes to romantic expectations. But more importantly, I still have hopes. I still think that maybe someday I'm going to have a good February 14. Maybe even have a date on Valentine's Day- wouldn't that be amazing? I still think that in spite of twenty years of not meeting Mr. Right that one day it will finally happen. I won't be waking up on Valentine's Day thinking the floral delivery truck is going to be in my driveway with roses from a mysterious admirer. But I do think that maybe someday I will meet a guy who will give me a rose or dozen. (In 20 years of dating, it has only happened once.) I'm not ready to give up yet.

But until then, I'm avoiding all restaurants and public places on the day I am convinced was designed to make single women feel bad about themselves.

Are you with me? Share your “Singles Awareness Day” stories with me!

ALL of my books are FREE on Amazon Kindle Feb 13-17, 2014! Don't miss your chance to download them today!

You Heard It Here First (book 1 in the Haley and Cam Series)

This Just In! (book 2 in the Haley and Cam Series)

The Agency: a biographical workplace novella

Integrity in Dating

(Reprinted from Meridian Magazine, August 2011)

Integrity in dating. Is it an oxymoron or the ultimate challenge? Many will argue that all is fair in love and war, but if that is true, are you compromising your integrity for a fun Friday night?

By definition, integrity is the “adherence to moral principles; honesty. Or, “unity, wholeness.” Dating is fraught with misunderstandings, hidden activities, facades, intentions good and bad, and oftentimes, straight up deceit. And we do it all in the pursuit of love. It is ironic, isn't it, that the pursuit of one of the most wonderful feelings and emotions in the world, can create so much pain and sorrow? This is why dating with integrity is so important- to eliminate hurt feelings and confusion as much as possible.

Individuals must make it a priority to bring honesty and good communication into their dating. This includes focusing on honest communication regarding not only who they are as a person, but their intentions, commitments, and priorities. Dating is full of flirting, teasing, seduction, and game playing. Some will even insist that these are the primary elements of dating! But the more games you play, secrets you keep, and devious activities you engage in, the more dishonest and less integrity you bear.

Can you have integrity while dating more than one person? Yes, absolutely! Going back to the key elements of what defines integrity- are you honest with your partners? Have you done anything to mislead them? Are all parties absolutely aware of the level of commitment, intention, and intimacy you are engaged in?

All too often individuals (male or female) feel that just because s/he has not verbalized a commitment or his/her intentions, that the other party is on the same page, and that no one will be hurt. A lack of communication does not define honesty. If you want to be fair, open, and kind with your fellow (wo)man, you will be direct and honest in your communication.

Without a doubt, I know that there will be plenty of people ready to attack on this point, arguing that one date does not constitute a “what are we talk.” And I agree! Each party will have to operate according to their personal activities and choices. But never think that “Well, I never told him/her that we were exclusive, so s/he can't be mad if I am dating other people.”

I remember seeing it happen all too often in my singles ward days. A guy would think he was doing his “priesthood duty” to ask out every girl in the ward. A girl suddenly gets a phone call from this nice guy she's only met a few times, and happily accepts his date request. In the days prior to the date, she builds it up in her head that he must actually be interested in her. After all, he asked her out, right? Then the date comes and they have a great time, albeit nothing more than just friendly interactions. But she doesn't date that often, and this was the highlight of her year! She builds this date up in her head as something big. The next day she bakes him something (cookies, cakes, cupcakes, a five course meal- you name it, I've seen it all) and takes it to church. He graciously and enthusiastically accepts it. They talk again. They spend some time together chatting at whatever ward activity follows that week (FHE, Institute, etc). By Thursday night she's convinced they are dating. On Friday night he's out with the next girl he's asked out.

He will think he is full of integrity doing his “priesthood duty” asking out all of the girls. In no way does he consider himself a “player.” He is honestly and truly just being a nice guy, and getting to know everyone. But by Saturday night when she's come to accept that he's not going to show up on her doorstep with roses, she will probably never use the word “integrity” in her definition of him. Pig may be closer to her word choice.

But he never promised her a rose garden. He was nothing but nice, friendly, and polite- a true gentleman. But if he had made it clear he was only interested in taking her out as a friend, he would have potentially built a good friendship, instead of ruining his reputation and hurting her feelings.

Honest communication can build friendships. A lack of communication ruins relationships. 

Sometimes, just getting to a first date takes some integrity, and that includes having the courage and honesty to express interest in another party. Conversely, it can take great integrity and courage to turn down a date with someone you are not interested in in such a way as to not hurt the other party's feelings. Be polite and kind, and remember that it took courage and guts for him/her to ask you out. And always remember you are speaking to another son or daughter of your Heavenly Father.

Have reasonable expectations in your dating. The fictional young woman I just described was just as much much to blame as the young man. She did not have reasonable expectations. She lost her integrity when she began to build things up in her head, rather than engage in open and honest dialogue.

Additionally, another way to show integrity in dating is to remember to respect each other’s uniqueness. The same character traits that you may find incompatible in a dating partner will be what attracts that person a more compatible woman later on. Don't give unsolicited critiques! Allow each other to “let your freak flag fly!” Unique and quirky behavior may be a turn off to one person, but be the magnetic attraction in the next. Besides, what gives you the authority or superiority to change another person's style or character?

Integrity can be found in dating. Seek out individuals with high moral standards, honest communication, and clear intentions. And be sure to exhibit and maintain the same qualities in yourself. Do not just expect the other person to be open and honest. You must do the same!

I feel that I must also bring up another ugly part of dating- flirting with someone else's significant other.  How honest, fair, and kind of you is it to flirt with someone else's significant other? Are you showing any integrity when you attempt to woo away someone in a committed relationship? (Yes, absolutely the other person is at fault as well. But we'll leave the subject of the scum of cheaters for another day.) Have some integrity! Respect their relationship! Honor their commitments- and this includes just regular dating (not just marriage and engagements).

I have never been a fan of “covert dating.” This is a practice widely found in the DC area where couples will date each other, but not let anyone else know. Sure there is something to be said for not broadcasting every date and relationship too early on. I won't criticize that. But “covert dating” - which really is just dating with the intention of deceiving others so that you can continue to date more people without anyone finding out what you are up to, is pretty dishonest at a certain level. I even had a guy once tell me he was enjoying dating me, but wanted to make sure I wasn't going to tell anyone we were dating.

He didn't like anyone else “knowing his business.” (Full disclosure: this was over five years ago.) I agreed to his request, only to find out later on that he was dating several other girls under the same disguise. When I did find out he was dating a friend of mine, and I told her we were both dating him, he accused me of being the dishonest party. After all, I had violated our agreement. He never considered himself to be dishonest or that he lacked integrity. Personally, I never trusted him again.

Show some guts, courage, honesty and integrity in your dating! Remember that the other person has feelings too!  Show some respect for that person, their family, and all that they stand for when choosing to affiliate yourself with him/her.

Last but not least- and I hate that this has to be said, but it must- if there is one place I wish more people would show some integrity it would be in online dating. I'll put it this bluntly-

Saying it via text, online, in an email, over the phone, or via pictures on your phone- it is the same as if you had done it in person. If you would never dare act, do, or say such a thing in person, think twice, and never consider doing it online either. I am sick to my stomach over the things I have seen people do and say online. Online dating sites can be great ways to meet other people. Unfortunately, due to the disgusting sexual behaviors of too many people online, other people are afraid to get on these sites. Stop ruining it for everyone else. Have some integrity and get a life!

Dating can be a great and wonderful time in a person's life if it is done with the right level of integrity, honesty, and open communication. Enjoy your dating years! Don't make it into a miserable experience because no one can be trusted. Set the example of great dating yourself!!

ALL of my books are FREE on Amazon Kindle Feb 13-17, 2014! Don't miss your chance to download them today!

You Heard It Here First (book 1 in the Haley and Cam Series)

This Just In! (book 2 in the Haley and Cam Series)

The Agency: a biographical workplace novella