Praying for the One: You

God gives all of His children equal opportunities for happiness through the Atonement. He is our Heavenly Father, and like all fathers, He doesnt love one child more than another. Of this, there is no argument. He wants us to be happy.

And yet, we forget this easy to accept principle when it comes to seeking an eternal companion. We make it into something difficult and complicated. Many of us allow the idea to creep into our minds that there must be a “saved,” certain, special someone out there for us. We believe that there are trials and tribulations to be endured so that we can meet the One.

Have we made the “search” for love that much harder on ourselves by creating and building up this idea that there is only one person who can make us eternally happy? (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes.)

A friend of mine made a very insightful and interesting comment regarding the search for an eternal companion. “Its hard to believe or understand that a loving Father who answers when I pray that I have enough gas in the car to make it to payday, or protects me when my car breaks down, doesnt have an opinion on who I marry.”

I sat and thought upon that idea for a while. Shes right. It does seem hard to fathom that the God who helps me with something as trivial as finding missing car keys, doesnt have a stake in my potential mate.

But then it hit me.

My roommate is wrong. And so was I.

Theres a very huge difference in having the faith that the Lord will help me find the missing keys, or will get my jalopy home, and saying He has an opinion or an interest in me finding the car keys. When I find those keys, it is because I had the faith to be led to find them. Its an answer to a prayer. And while the scriptures are very in-depth, detailed, and written to be applied in all time periods, Ive yet to find a verse that says, “look under the couch.”

But in comparison, there are dozens of scriptures, both ancient and modern-day, that tell us where to marry, how to marry, and who to marry. They just leave out the specific name of the person, and what day and where to meet him. But thats okay. Thats where faith comes in.

Consider this advice from Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist. It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make” (in Conference Report, Sept.Oct. 1955, 13).

Finding the Positive in the Opposite Sex

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the opposite sex. I had an epiphany that had never occurred to me before: It’s almost always a disappointment with the opposite sex.

First, let me start out by making this one thing clear. This post is not a “down with men” or “down with love” sort of diatribe. Far from it. I am a woman writing about her feelings and experiences with the opposite sex. This could just as easily be written from a man’s point of view. At least, I think men might feel this way too. I’m not sure. And that’s why I’m putting this out there to spark some thoughts and conversations on the subject.

After twenty-plus years of dating, I’ve become jaded of sorts. My expectations have been lowered significantly on the romance front. The twenty year old version of me dreamed of the day her crush would ask her out and bring a dozen roses to her on the doorstep. The 40 year old version of me has never had a man bring her roses on a date, and is impressed when a guy actually offers to pick her up, and doesn’t suggest she take public transit to meet him somewhere. Actually, the older version of me is just impressed when a man asks her out. That’s about all it takes to impress her now. Sometimes, even less.

After years and years of being single, I’ve been disappointed over and over again. I’ve lowered my expectations considerably. Oh I still have high hopes, but reality keeps them in check.

Nearly all of my experiences with the opposite sex have had negative returns. Even the good guys have left a bad impression at some point in time. The once great boyfriends eventually broke my heart. Whether it’s an unrequited crush, cat calls from a man on the street, a bad breakup, most of the experiences I have with men are not positive.

There are a few good guy friends out there. And occasionally I’ve had a decent home teacher or two. (I mention this only for the sake that I know someone will bring it up in the comments section.) But these positive social interactions with the opposite sex are the minority of my experiences, not the majority.

My experiences with my own sex are different. We laugh, joke, share, and commiserate together. For the most part my experiences with my own sex is very positive. (In other words, it’s not me. I do have positive relationships.) These are not the experiences I frequently or regularly have with the opposite sex. The positive experiences I have with men are getting farther and fewer between.

And I worry about that.

I worry that my little heart will build bigger defenses, higher walls, and tougher callouses with every additional negative experience to the point that no one will ever be able to get past them. You have to have a “strong center,” or “be mentally strong,” “have thick skin,” etc., when it comes to attempting to befriend the opposite sex. Or at least that’s what my guy friends tell me. But that’s the problem. I’m jaded and calloused when it comes to men breaking my heart. I expect it now. (Reality over hopes.) But really, the heart under those callouses is soft and tender.

In the long run, can all of these negative experiences be good? We need the positive experiences. We need to seek them out and find them. We need to start to like them again, and not just associate them with bad experiences. Otherwise, my heart may turn into one gigantic callous. And that just sounds gross.

I know I’m not alone. And I know this isn’t all one-sided. Maybe all those tough manly men won’t admit to it, but I think they suffer from the same afflictions.

How can we expect anyone to couple up and fall in love if they never have positive experiences with the opposite sex? How can we even expect them to bother to look at or speak to each other?

Consider this my challenge to you- be kind to the opposite sex. Ask someone on a date. Do something fun and positive with a member of the opposite sex so that they have a reason to believe that there are still “good ones” out there. Surprise someone with a card or a call. Invite someone to go for a walk. Take them a plate of cookies. Give a member of the opposite sex a reason to smile. Just this one time, don’t worry that you will lead them on or give them the wrong idea. Just worry that maybe you haven’t done your part lately to give the opposite sex hope or a smile. Because wouldn’t you like someone to do that for you?

Women and the Priesthood

Over a year ago I wrote my thoughts on Mormon Women and the Priesthood. I had forgotten I wrote it. I ran across it my accident today. After re-reading I find that my thoughts and feelings on the matter have not changed.
Seeing as this is a very divisive hot topic right now, I wanted to share my post again, and add a few more thoughts.
First, I believe there is nothing wrong with asking for change. Encouraging and creating conversation is a good thing, and I support it. It is an all together different thing to "demand" change, and to call for insurrection and rebellion when you do not get your way.
Second, there are a few people I know and love, who find that their testimonies and faith are shaken this week, as events transpire regarding Ordain Women. I beg you and implore you to ask yourself one essential, important question. Do you follow the prophet? Or do you follow man's ideas (her)? You can feel great sympathy for her, and I know that you do. I support you in your love and sympathy for others. But before this all goes too far, please ask yourself which you believe in more- the Gospel or the cause? Do you follow and sustain the prophet? Or do you believe her accusations of a conspiracy? Because it seems to me that you cannot believe both.


My thoughts from last year - http://www.erinannie.com/2013/04/a-single-mormon-woman-reflects-on-women.html

Why I Won't Date Him

I've done something today I've never done before in my 10 years of blogging here.
I've deleted the post that was here, but I've left up the comments.
I felt I was addressing a serious problem (the mistreatment of women), and in return I have been insulted in more ways than I can count (both on this blog and in an LDS mid-singles FB group).
Maybe I will re-address the issue some time but in a more carefully worded way. I will take the blame for the poor reception of the blog post because I was the writer. The fact that so many people thought this subject was open to mocking and insults tells me that I did not write it in a serious and factual enough context.
So if you came here looking for that blog post, sorry, it is gone.

A Single Mormon Woman Reflects on Women Holding the Priesthood

Dear Friend,

Yesterday you asked about women in the Mormon Church holding the priesthood. I fired off some fast and too easy “internet responses.” I want you to know that your questions and comments were not ignored. In fact, I’ve thought about them quite a bit. I hope you'll forgive me my thoughtless responses yesterday, and accept my much more in-depth and thought out response below.

You raised important issues- why can’t women hold the priesthood? Why do men run the meetings? Why can’t women?

I’ve given this topic (and others I am about to address) a lot of thought over the years. My response today is not just the culmination of 24 hours of ruminating on current politics, but my cherished, deep-rooted beliefs, and understanding of the Gospel of Christ.

One of the key details that sets Mormons apart from other religions is found in a small verse in the Book of Mormon. As you know, we believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, another testament of Jesus Christ. Many other religions scorn us because of this book. But anyone who has actually read it will know that there is nothing in there that conflicts or contests the Bible. Many of the commandments and scriptures are nearly identical to what is found in the Bible.

But there is one small verse or scripture that truly sets us apart. Mosiah 3:19 reads, “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

In my eyes, nearly every commandment given in scripture is a directive, suggestion, or instruction on how to overcome the natural man or our natural instincts. For instance, the Ten Commandments include no coveting, no stealing, no murder, obey your parents, put God first. We are taught from infancy not to murder or steal (hopefully). Why are we taught these things? Because it is natural to do them.

Men don’t reach their thirties still single because they are good at dating (but then, neither do the women)

By way of explanation for my non-LDS friends. This past weekend was the LDS General Conference. Twice a year Mormons gather around laptops, TVs, radios, and sometimes even go to churches, for a whole weekend, and listen to “conference talks” from Salt Lake City. Some of our most beloved leaders give speeches or talks, on the subject of their choosing (but there is often an unofficial theme). Four of the sessions are “general sessions,” for the whole family to watch and listen. The weekend before conference is the special all women’s session, and Saturday night of conference is the all men’s session (known as the priesthood session).
For the most part, women don’t watch the priesthood session, or pay much attention to it. They can if they want (it isn’t secret), but they have to go out of their way to do so. I went out of my way this year and read the official transcript that was sent to the press for the male session.

The talk by Elder D. Todd Christofferson during the priesthood session really jumped out at me. I was so affected by his talk that I’ve decided to share almost the full thing below.
You see, I’m tired and frustrated with the men I meet. I’m not referring just to the single men I may meet for romantic purposes (which almost never happens anyway). It seems that everywhere you look, men aren’t trying anymore. I’ve struggled internally, and even read magazine articles and books, trying to understand when men stopped caring about BEING MEN.
Are the women partially to blame? Did the women’s liberation movement, and ascent to equality, somehow make the men stop trying to carry the load? If so, that isn’t really the women’s fault. It’s like saying my neighbor mows his yard so well, that I decided to stop mowing mine because it isn’t as good as his. Stupid logic. And yet? It might be true.
I want a real man. I want a man who impresses me. I want to meet women who impress me. I have no tolerance for a pansy who doesn’t try to live up to his potential. (And the same goes for women as well.)
To quote Christofferson (who was quoting the book, “Manning Up”)-
It’s been an almost universal rule of civilization that whereas girls became women simply by reaching physical maturity, boys had to pass a test.  They needed to demonstrate courage, physical prowess, or mastery of the necessary skills.  The goal was to prove their competence as protectors of women and children; this was always their primary social role.  Today, however, with women moving ahead in an advanced economy, provider husbands and fathers are now optional, and the character qualities men had needed to play their role—fortitude, stoicism, courage, fidelity—are obsolete and even a little embarrassing.
A few months ago I went to Duck Beach with a few thousand of my fellow Mormon singles. When I returned I went straight to a nannying job, for the same family I tended to last week. At that time I wrote a column for Meridian about my experiences. In it I said that after a week of “fake mommying” and a weekend of wild, and carefree single life, I had made some changes. I realized I could be a single mother, and I could handle it. If you’ve read this blog for many years you know how much I have wanted to be a foster parent and to adopt, with or without a husband. I took care of 4 children, by myself, for a week. I survived. I enjoyed it. And I learned that I am capable and able of being a single mother.
But my experiences also gave me second thoughts about some of the men I met at the beach. When I left the beach there were probably four guys on my radar. They were each fun, attractive, and interesting. One I lost interest in before I even got home. Two held my interest a bit longer, but I realized after playing “fake mommy,” that they were not the kind of man I want to have around. And the fourth one, well, wait a few paragraphs, you’ll see.
I learned I can do it all by myself. I have lived alone for years. I can change the light bulbs in the vaulted ceiling. I own my own power tools. I can change the oil in my car. I can earn an honest living and support myself. And it turns out, I can do it all while taking care of four children.
I don’t NEED a man to take care of me.
I WANT a man who will take care of me.
It is a huge burden and a lot of work to carry load alone. I don’t want to. I don’t want to do it all alone.
I don’t know when the tides of dating changed. There wasn’t a date marked in red on the calendar to let me know when it was time to move on to the next level. In fact, I may have only noticed today that the tides changed.
When I was in high school I often heard the advice, “Smile and be nice to the boys, and they will be nice to you.” I also regularly heard, “Friendship, not courtship, should be the relationship between teenagers.”
And then, still a teenager, I graduated from high school and went off to college. Suddenly it wasn’t about friendship, and it was all about marriage. The advice changed to “Don’t chase the boys. Let them come to you. That’s how you get a man!” Throughout my twenties that advice was repeated many times. Don’t try too hard! Put yourself out there, but let them come to you! In the cutthroat and often competitive world of singles wards, that was some hard advice to take.
One day I woke up in my thirties and the advice had changed again. “Don’t wait for a man to call you! Ask him out! How else will he know you are interested? The world has changed! These men don’t know how to date. You have to make it happen for yourself!”
I fear for the advice I’ll get in my forties! Can someone warn me now what I’ll be hearing then? I want to be well prepared (because I’ve always felt a little behind thus far)!
My mother likes to say, “Men don’t reach their thirties still single because they are good at dating.” She makes a valid point. I’ll admit, I don’t think many of the women are good at it either.
I confess, I am tired. I am tired of dating. I am tired of wondering which piece of advice I should take, and then second guessing, worried I applied the wrong one.
But what is most exhausting may come as a surprise to you.
I’m tired of meeting great guys.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m tired of meeting all of the Mr. Wrongs out there too. I’d rather meet a great guy than another loser.
But it is the good ones that let relationships dissipate or fall apart that I am tired of.
I used to be a big believer in the “He’s just not that into you,” mode of thought. It helped me accept a lack of action and move on. But I’ve discovered there is a new breed out there, a new problem. These are the men (and maybe women do this too, but I highly doubt it) who are good, who are interesting, and with whom there is an attraction and interest. But they do nothing about it.
I used to say, “It’s okay, he’s just not that into you,” and move on. After all, I’ve “not been” into plenty of guys. I can accept that not all guys are into me.
But I have learned that there are guys who are into you, who are interested. It isn’t always just in your head. They really are interested and inviting.
But there is a failure to launch, a lack of spark, or whatever you want to call it. And he just doesn’t pull his weight. The relationship fails because a woman can only do so much on her own.
That is what I am tired of. I’m tired of dating. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of waiting for him to figure out that's a brick that landed on his head. I’m tired of trying to figure it all out. I’m tired of blaming myself for not being cute/thin/smart/funny/spiritual/geeky/ditzy/whatever enough.
I’m tired of men not being real men.
I want a man who is not going to let his life pass him by as he plays video games, or pursues career advancement or money. The longer he does that, the longer he is passing by life with me. And quite frankly, I don’t appreciate that. I have stepped up and moved on. I have made a life for myself. I have traveled, experimented, grown, changed, and lived. Maybe I don’t have cash in the bank or a three bedroom house to prove my stature. But I have lived, and I am better for it.
I want a man who wants to live. I want a man who wants to be a man! I want a man like the one described in Elder Christofferson's talk (read it after the jump)!

Put Good Conservative Values into Mainstream Fiction

For the past several months I have been writing a new book. One book turned into two books and then into three. And there is a possibility there may even be a fourth book before this series is over.
I wrote the bulk of the first book in about 6 weeks. If you've never tried to write a novel before, trust me when I say that is insanely fast. But I was inspired and obsessed with my story. All I wanted to do was write it.
At the time books 1 and 2 were the same book. I hadn't planned on making them 2 separate books. But through the all important editing process (adding nearly 100 more pages to just the first half alone) I realized it needed to be 2 books. I've been fortunate enough to work with several good friends in order to edit, revise, and edit again to make this book happen.
I have felt strongly for several years that I wanted to write a book with a strong female heroine who does not have to compromise her values or what she believes in in order to succeed. I feel all too often mainstream entertainment is the story of a woman who gives up on what she believes in in order to be happy or fit in elsewhere. I have wanted to find or write a story that was about a woman who made the tough decision to stand by what she was taught, and didn't use her sexuality to win. It is incredibly disheartening just how hard that can be to find. And what few stories out there that do attempt this, tend to be very preachy, and niche-market only.
I am excited for this character that I have developed and the events she goes through. She faces very real world decisions, and addresses them realistically. Of course, it is entertainment and fiction, so they are not real world scenarios, but they are real world responses. The main character, Haley, is one that women will identify with, and will find strength in. They will recognize and identify her feelings and responses, and look up to her for how she approaches them. At least, that is what I hope women will do!
I've opted to self-publish this book for multiple reasons. First, I don't believe there is a mainstream publisher out there who will take a book that is this conservative without making key changes. Because I want to keep the morals intact, I don't want to deal with a commercial press. Second, smaller publishers that would accept this type of book  would sell it in a niche market (even though it is not a religious fiction book). I don't want to get put into a niche, so I'm avoiding it altogether for now. I have other reasons that I can explain to you if you really want to hear them.
The self-publishing world isn't as cheap and easy as writing and uploading. There are other details that take time and money. For instance, hiring a graphic designer to create a book cover! All writers, no matter how good they are, need a good editor. The feedback and editing process only improves books. And editors have to be hired and paid as well. Last, but not least, in order to protect and copyright your work, you have to pay for an ISBN. And that alone is $100. Plus there is shipping, galleys, etc., that all take time and money as well.
Which brings me to my kickstarter campaign. I'm trying to do a little fundraising to get this book (and the following 2-3 books) off the ground. I'm so close to getting it all done, but it is money that holds me back.  Being able to pay for quality editors alone is the most important detail. It will take it from "a nice story that girl wrote," to a book that will make people sit up and take notice. Funding will help make the difference between being sold to my friends and family, and the quality and production needed to reach a mass audience.
If you would like to contribute to making the Haley books happen, please check out my kickstarter campaign. Contributions can be as low as $1! For $5 you get your name on the acknowledgements page. For $25 you get a personalized (and creative) YouTube thank you video. For $50 you get a signed copy of the book when it is available.
I know there are many of you who would love to see a book about a strong, morals driven, smart, single woman and what it takes for her to succeed. I hope you will make a donation!