The Next Chapter

I’m writing this from an overlook along the Blue Ridge Parkway. I was driving back from Virginia Beach to Roanoke, and decided on a whim to take the parkway home. It adds a few minutes, but a lot of beauty, to my drive, and I don’t mind.

Right now in Roanoke, a major chapter of my life is coming to a close in a bittersweet way. Instead of it ending on a high note, it’s ending on a rather sour one, which makes it both hard to let go, and easy to not look back at the same time. In other words, I’m more sad than happy, but accepting that this is how it ends.

It leaves me free to open the next chapter of my life without attachments or remorse. And I’ve don’t nothing but think about what that next chapter will be for the last few days.

One year ago when I left Northern Virginia for Roanoke, I had no idea what to expect. I certainly never foresaw the confusion, stress, and pain of the past year. I had expected one friendship to be waiting for me when I arrived, but instead, that person was the cause of much of my angst.

A year ago, I said goodbye to one particular friend and fully expected at that time for that to be the last time I would ever see or speak to that person. Here we are a year later, and that person and I communicate almost daily- far more than we did a year ago at this time. And now there is a chance we’ll have to say goodbye again, and I wonder how that will change things.

When I left NoVA I had a crazy idea for a small book. I didn’t even think I had enough material to make it a full book. I figured it was more like a really big pamphlet. But I wrote it, tried it out in a class, and submitted it to a publisher. By the end of this week that book will be in bookstores across the country. By far my biggest book release yet. My first book to be sold in the mainstream, and not just in LDS bookstores. (I’m a little overwhelmed at the thought.)

You probably figured it out before I did from my blog posts, that I really lost my identity this past year, maybe even before that. I haven’t been at liberty to share the details of the difficulties I’ve dealt with, and I am still not. Maybe by saying this much, you’ll understand why- when the lawsuit is over, maybe I can share my side of the story here. But I may not choose to share the details, if I think saying anything will make it harder for other parties to heal.

I think I am in the clear enough to say that for nearly a full year now, every single aspect of my life has been criticized. At work, at church, and as a writer. It has taken its toll on me in every possible way. I’m as fragile as they come these days. I’m defensive and suspicious (something I never was before). I expect that everyone and anyone I meet is going to think the worst of me or tear me down (because they have so many times).  Never before have I felt more single – no partner, no person to share my burden and cares with. I know many people see my struggles, but there is little anyone can do for me. My problems are mine and mine alone to carry.

But I know this one thing to be true- that the Lord knows and cares for us. No matter the load we are forced to bear, we are loved and never forgotten.  Jeremiah 31:3, “Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee.”

I do not carry my burdens alone. I have the strength of a loving Heavenly Father to help me along. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29-30.)  

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Accepting criticism as a chance to improve

I don't blog as much as I used to for myriad reasons. One of the most important reasons is just having learned from lessons of the past, and how expressing personal feelings about events in my own life can upset people. Or invites unwelcome feedback from people who make my feelings and thoughts about them.

But tonight I'm feeling alone with few (no?) people to talk to about some of the problems in life. So rather than talk to no one, I'll talk to everyone in the anonymous internet. (Hopefully I won't be repeating mistakes of the past.) (Ha ha.) (That was deep, sad, sarcasm.)

But let's start with some disclaimers. This isn't about you. This is about me. This is not any one person, problem, or event. It's a huge conglomeration or confluence of ALL THE THINGS!

Seriously, if it wasn't so painful or hard to deal with so many things at once, I'd laugh at how so many things could be happening at once.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's jump to the lesson learned and then back it up. Or something like that.

A few weeks ago, an old friend posted a beautiful picture of her ballerina daughter getting a private lesson. (or something to that extent) She commented how her daughter said how she liked to get feedback or pointers from the teacher "because how else could she improve?" I was just floored by this statement from such a young kid.

I've never been great at taking criticism. But ever since reading her comment I've been trying to take it to heart. If I don't get feedback how will I ever improve? This young girl just amazed me at her outlook! I could learn a lot from her.

If you believe that all things happen for a reason, you'll find it easy to believe that I needed to hear and digest and internalize that idea before the last few weeks hit me.

Because, wow. I have had lots of opportunities to apply this lately!

We're talking criticism feedback coming at me from all sides. You name it, I'm getting it. Work, church, personal life, writing life, volunteer life.

Old me would have given up and hidden under a rock by now, or lashed out and given everyone a dose of their own medicine.

But I haven't. I'm learning. I'm trying so hard to just get through, accept, and take it all as a chance to improve.

But it's not easy. Especially when it doesn't let up. I feel like I'm caught under Niagara Falls, getting beat on the rocks with criticism feedback.

I need a break. I need some personal improvement time. I'm writing this all out so I can get some of my emotions out before diving back in to handle the most recent problem. Mostly, I just feel like a huge failure in nearly every possible aspect of my life right now. (Writing is actually going pretty well. More on that some other time.)

I want to be a Millennial and beg a for a safe space around me. "Please only speak kind words in this area."

Sigh. Yeesh. And sigh again.

So tell me, Oh Anonymous Internet World, when you feel beat up, criticized, overwhelmed, let down, frustrated, and disappointed, what do you do? How do you personally handle it? I'm looking for a new way to handle everything, and not be me anymore.

Praying for the One: You

God gives all of His children equal opportunities for happiness through the Atonement. He is our Heavenly Father, and like all fathers, He doesnt love one child more than another. Of this, there is no argument. He wants us to be happy.

And yet, we forget this easy to accept principle when it comes to seeking an eternal companion. We make it into something difficult and complicated. Many of us allow the idea to creep into our minds that there must be a “saved,” certain, special someone out there for us. We believe that there are trials and tribulations to be endured so that we can meet the One.

Have we made the “search” for love that much harder on ourselves by creating and building up this idea that there is only one person who can make us eternally happy? (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes.)

A friend of mine made a very insightful and interesting comment regarding the search for an eternal companion. “Its hard to believe or understand that a loving Father who answers when I pray that I have enough gas in the car to make it to payday, or protects me when my car breaks down, doesnt have an opinion on who I marry.”

I sat and thought upon that idea for a while. Shes right. It does seem hard to fathom that the God who helps me with something as trivial as finding missing car keys, doesnt have a stake in my potential mate.

But then it hit me.

My roommate is wrong. And so was I.

Theres a very huge difference in having the faith that the Lord will help me find the missing keys, or will get my jalopy home, and saying He has an opinion or an interest in me finding the car keys. When I find those keys, it is because I had the faith to be led to find them. Its an answer to a prayer. And while the scriptures are very in-depth, detailed, and written to be applied in all time periods, Ive yet to find a verse that says, “look under the couch.”

But in comparison, there are dozens of scriptures, both ancient and modern-day, that tell us where to marry, how to marry, and who to marry. They just leave out the specific name of the person, and what day and where to meet him. But thats okay. Thats where faith comes in.

Consider this advice from Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist. It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make” (in Conference Report, Sept.Oct. 1955, 13).

Men Are That They Might Have Joy?

It's time to pull out the same picture I use over and over again when my heart is in emotional turmoil. 

My stormy seas picture gets used every time I'm faced with complications, confusion, and heartbreak. 

The picture of the skydiver - 

- is what I use when I've made a decision, and I'm jumping into the unknown. 

But the stormy seas picture is for when I don't know what to do, or when I'm not ready to accept my options. And today it's all about the stormy seas. 

This scripture has been on my mind a lot lately. 

 2 Nephi 2:25, 27 

Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

"Men are that they might have joy." 

I struggle with this. I wish that I didn't. I hate that I struggle with it. I envy people who believe that everything around them is always good. I get annoyed by people who use this scripture to justify narcissistic or selfish behavior and choices. 

Over the past several years, particularly through my long stints and trials of unemployment, it has been very hard to believe that I am that I "might have joy." It all too often feels like my entire life is designed to be a punishment or to really define where my breaking point is. 

Today was another roller coaster of emotions for me. Things I firmly believed and accepted to be true, and that I am supposed to have joy, were nearly impossible to accept at the end of the day. In one moment I could believe that answers to prayers were found, and I was about to say goodbye to some of my biggest struggles. And then in the next moment, in just the course of a simple conversation with a friend, I learned nearly be accident, that I was completely wrong about my answers. 

In a few more weeks I will have to accept that someone else's selfish actions will profoundly change my life. (To be more honest, I've already accepted that those actions will have a negative impact on me. But in a few weeks, I will have to make the necessary changes to my life as a result of those actions.) Accepting that I have to take an option that I don't want, I don't like, and will make me profoundly unhappy, is what makes it so hard to accept "men are that they might have joy."

I know we each struggle with our own issues of faith. But this one is mine. I struggle to believe and accept that we are supposed to have joy, when my life has turned out so very far off from what I wanted. I have found joy in the life that I have. But I have had more "trials" than happiness in the last 7 years. Where is the joy? Where is the end of the struggles? Where is the path that leads to my joy? 

I have no answers. I have no neat and tidy way to wrap this up. All I can say is that I guess my hope is tied up in believing that this scripture is true. That men are that they might have joy. I do believe it. And as such, I will continue to have the faith that my situation will improve. Things will change and get better. I will find joy. Somewhere, somehow. 

Where is my solace?

Several months ago I applied and interviewed for a job that led to some unusual experiences. Forgive me for keeping a few of the details aloof, but I feel it is best to do so.

I had applied on a whim. There was a chance I was qualified, and a chance that I was not. When they called me in for the interview I was surprised and excited. They told me they had conducted a nationwide search, mostly by word of mouth and networking. They also posted the job on their website, where just one day before the opening closed, I saw it and applied. I was one of very few people who applied blind like that. And I was the only local candidate brought in to interview.
The interview went really, really well. I was shocked how well it went. When I left I told a few of the close friends/family that knew about the interview that basically if I didn't get it, I knew the person who got it must really be better qualified than I was, because interviews just don't get better than that. And I could live with that.
Several people were fasting and praying for me to get that job. It seemed ideal for me. It really did.
A few weeks longer than anticipated I got the call. They explained that I did not get the job. They had decided to hire from within- something that had not anticipated doing. But they wanted me to know how much they liked me, yada yada.
I was devastated, but what can you do? I allowed myself a few days to shake it off, pick myself up, and move on. But like I said, I was very disappointed.
(It wasn't long after that experience that I applied (again on a whim and blindly) to the job I have now.)
Almost 2 months passed when I got a call out of the blue. The president of that organization called me personally. I was so stunned I could barely speak on the phone. He asked if I could come in to his office- the very next day. Having no idea what he could possibly want to talk to me about, I went in.
He related some very unexpected personal experiences to me. He's a religious man and the job was tangentially religious. I would be working with a lot of fellow Mormons had I gotten the job. He told me something that really stuck with me. "He doesn't pray about who the new marketing director will be." Those were his exact words. He prays about personal things, and he prays about important things. But rarely, if ever, in his life has he ever prayed about business matters, let alone employee hires.
He went on to explain that he did not pray about who to hire for the position. He said it was clear to him, and to everyone on the search committee, that I was the best fit. When they went to sit down and make it a formal agreement to offer me the job, I believe he said they went around the table and all agreed to it. But then one person paused, and another. And they asked for more time. He explained that then and there he had a very personal, spiritual witness to hire someone else. Interesting note on that- that other person was also on the search committee and had also voted to hire me. He was as surprised as anyone else when this happened. (I know this because I went on to meet with him later and talk about a few things.)
It wasn't fun or easy to hear that for some reason God passed me over. That people had a spiritual experience that led to not giving me a job. But it did make it somewhat easier to accept that this had happened. (It helped that during the course of this conversation I knew I had a job interview lined up for the very next week. And yes, that was the job I did get.)
It gave me some clarity and closure as to how and why I did not get this ideal job and seemingly perfect situation. It gave me peace in spite of my disappointment.
This week I've had a lot of other disappointments and confusion to sort out in my heart. Things that seemed so obvious, so easy, and even at times spiritually guided did not work out. Something I prayed at great length about many times, and had some very personal spiritual experiences with, came back to break my heart and hurt me in the end. Tonight I prayed and asked why did I have to be led into a situation that would only hurt me in the end? Why couldn't I be spared? I got nothing from it. There was little happiness along the way. I am not a better person for the trial. There was no growth or challenges overcome. So why did I have to do it? Why couldn't I be told no, not to pursue it, somewhere along the way?
I have no answers.
But I do have the memory of the job interview and the knowledge that sometimes spiritual guidance comes when and where you least expect it. You can do everything right, but sometimes, it just isn't going to work out, and it isn't your fault.
That all being said, my poor, repeatedly bruised and broken heart, looks forward to not being hurt or disappointed someday.

Cry Uncle! (and buy my books!)

Almost exactly one year after I begged for mercy and declared a personal hiatus from life, I'm doing it again.
No more job hunting- or at least not active and aggressive job hunting. There are a few leads still out there and I will continue to follow through with those. And if a great opportunity finds me, I'll pursue it. But otherwise, my ego, psyche, and broken, jaded, little heart need a break.
This hiatus comes as a huge relief for me and gives me the personal mental freedom I need to make other commitments and move on. There are other opportunities and options around me that I have not taken advantage of because I was always afraid that I might be about to accept a job and move away.
And so it is I cry uncle, and move on in a different direction with my life.
I don't regret this. If anything it comes with a great deal of relief. I'd rather be happy with what I have- or work to be happy with what I have- than always be telling myself I could do better if others would just let me. I prefer to be the one who determines my own happiness!
Just 48 hours into this decision and I've already looked at plane tickets for another humanitarian vacation, made inquiries into musical activities, and joined a dance class for adults. See? Already happier and more active!
And... I've already started to work on a brand new book (as well as continue working on Book 3 in the Haley and Cam series, "Coming Up Next").
Which reminds me! The final section of Book 2, "This Just In," will be ready sometime next week. (The full book will also be sold as one unit starting next week too.) Have you read parts 1-3 yet?
(PS- Does anyone use iTunes/iBooks for buying/downloading books? I haven't had any request that I make my books available that way, but I'm curious if I should.) (Also, if you haven't checked out Smashwords.com yet as a way to find and purchase books, I highly recommend it!)

You Heard It Here First (Book 1)
From the moment girl-next-door Haley McAdams met America's Favorite News Reporter Camden Morrison, her life hasn't been the same. Suddenly she has everything she ever wanted- love, money, and career success. But can she handle the pressures that come with it? One day she's a financial blogger, the next, a TV expert on a political scandal. Her on-air epiphanies and liberated writing style have landed some powerful men in hot water, and there are consequences to pay. Just as her career takes off, so does her love life. But the memories of her past make it hard to accept the good things around her. Is her rich and famous boyfriend the real reason for her new success? Does he really love her? Or does he have an ulterior motive too? Haley is a good girl from a loving family and traditional values, but she knows her way around the world of finance and politics. She may be virtuous, but she is not naïve. And if there is one thing she has learned, it is that the love of money is the root of all evil.

Kindle: $3.99
Paperback: $7.99
Nook: $3.99
Smashwords/iTunes: $3.99 

This Just In! (Book Two, Part One)
Haley Jo McAdams has found the love of her life in Camden Morrison. She's landed her dream job, and fame and fortune are hers for the taking. Her life reads like the perfect modern-day fairy tale. She's never been happier and life has never been better.
But just as the starbursts and fairy dust begin to settle, the fireworks and explosions begin. Long-distance relationships are never easy,  especially when they cross international time zones, and involve the paparazzi.
Just when Haley thinks she has it all figured out, scandals, pirates, and a kidnapping turn her life upside down.
Is her life a fairy tale or a complete nightmare?
Kindle: $1.99
Nook: $1.99

This Just In! (Book 2, Part 2)
When we last left Haley and Cam, Cam had endured and succeeded in a very tense first meeting with Haley's father. The couple had discussed marriage, but Haley began to have doubts.
Big questions are resolved, but as Haley learns, life goes on, and more questions are always asked!
Kindle: $1.99

Nook: $1.99

This Just In! (Book 2, Part 3)
No good deed goes unpunished! For every good thing that happens for Haley and Cam, something worse seems to follow. Cam's reputation and career are on the line. His family's dirty laundry is out for everyone to see. Should Haley defend her man or defend her own reputation?
Kindle: $1.99
Nook: $1.99

My Book Needs a Title!

One of the pictures being used in the book cover.

God willing and the creek don't rise, my book really, finally, truly might go to print in the next day or two.
There is just one thing missing.
It needs a title.
I've gone through about 5 different ideas. And this morning I had yet another idea. I need some input. Here's the "back jacket" description, and at the bottom are some possible title ideas. Remember, this is the first book in a three book series, so I am trying to tie the titles together with a theme.

From the moment girl-next-door Haley McAdams met America's Favorite News Reporter Camden Morrison, her life hasn't been the same. Suddenly she has everything she ever wanted- love, money, and career success. But can she handle the pressures that come with it?

One day she's a financial blogger, the next, a TV expert on a political scandal. Her on-air epiphanies, and liberated writing style has landed some powerful men in hot water, and there are consequences to pay.

Just as her career takes off, so does her love life. But the memories of her past make it hard to accept the good things around her. Is her rich and famous boyfriend the real reason for her new success? Does he really love her? Or does he have an ulterior motive too?

Haley is a good girl from a loving family with traditional values, but she knows her way around the world of finance and politics. She may be virtuous, but she is not naïve. And if there is one thing she has learned, it is that money is the root of all evil. 

Title Choices

1.  You Heard It Here First (Book 2: He Said What, Book 3: He Said/She Said)

2. Love, Money, and Politics (Book 2: Love, Money, and Pirates, Book 3: Love, Money, and Parenting)

3. That's What She Said  (Book 2: He Said What, Book 3: He Said/She Said)

4. Miss McAdams (Book 2: Mr. Morrison, Book 3: Mrs. Hyde)

 

Breaking Up With the Peace Corps or Choosing Between 2 Dreams

As you may have noticed, I haven't blogged a whole lot lately. Or maybe you haven't noticed because you actually saw a few of the posts I deleted shortly after posting them. For the last 10 days I've had something huge hanging over my head, and now that it is for the most part resolved, I'm ready to come clean about it.
If you've been reading this blog for long you know I have a tendency to share a lot of my bigger life issues on here, often because I have no one at home to talk to about it. Writing them out, even if just to share them with the ethernet, somehow makes me feel better. And there is a lot to be said for the catharsis that comes (for me) with just writing out your thoughts.
So where was that inherent trait these past few days? Why was I not writing out and sharing my feelings the way I usually do when faced with a huge decision? I don't have an answer for that, other than this time I just couldn't bring myself to do it. No, I'm not apologizing to you my awesome readers for not sharing. I'm explaining this to help convey just how huge this decision was for me, that it transcended usual activities and behaviors.
Last week, completely unexpected, the Peace Corps finally placed me. I have decided to not publicly share where. (If you want to know, I can tell you personally.) It was very, very unexpected. When things went south back in October with the PC (which at the time I blogged about but have since hidden for reasons I can also explain privately but not publicly) I had to decide if I was going to keep holding on and holding out for them, or start making new plans. Oddly enough, the PC themselves strongly encouraged me to move on and make new plans.
After a bit of soul searching- did I have any other big dreams or goals in life I wanted to pursue other than the PC?- I finally moved on. I have always wanted to be a "real writer," and decided to start looking for ways to pursue those goals. No one was more surprised than I still am that that path has worked out so well for me. I'm editing a daily website and loving that. I'm writing articles every day for a major publication that allows me to learn interesting new concepts every day. I never would have expected that writing about the stock market would be a dream opportunity for me, but I'm loving it. And, somewhere in the middle of all that, I found my creative side again (she had been missing for a very long time), and I've written 1.5 books in under a month. Not to mention, my political blog gets enough traffic that I made a few dollars a month off of it, and is a lot of fun for me to write (even if I never do get comments).
Suddenly my other lifelong passion and dream [to be a writer] is panning out. I've even mentioned it here several times on my blog about how I am happy again. After over 2 years of heartbreak, depression, and really struggling to find joy or regain my self-confidence after losing my job(s), I feel like I am on the right path and things are going well. In short, I'm happy again.

the clock is ticking

About 8-10 inches of snow up there on the mountain yesterday! (depending on where you measured!)

Less than 24 hours left till I have to decide and commit, and no, I am no closer today than I was on Saturday to making my decision.
However, I have perfected the art of distraction and procrastination.
Still no sign of the decision fairies.
I'm acting so out of character living in denial, and not trying to gather as much information about both of my situations as possible, that I barely know who I am.
I even baked a chocolate cake and didn't eat it. It's still just sitting there. I'm not even turning to comfort foods.
This is just weird.
Meanwhile, there's a whole lotta this going on around here-

Stupor of Thought

Ocean waves after Hurricane Earl - taken at Virginia Beach

When I am confused or faced with a difficulty, I often find I express myself in terms of water. Raging water, calm water, rippling water, torrents of water, trickling brooks. When I need to reflect or retreat, I often navigate to a body of water and just stare out. Today my heart is navigating to this picture I took of the waves at Virginia Beach a few hours after Hurricane Earl. It depicts my feelings perfectly today. Raging waves, dark sky, and yet there's an elegance about it, and the worst is over. The storm will pass soon and peace will return.
Multiple times over the last few days I've attempted to sit down and write about what has been going on in my life, but each time I do I just sort of give up. I've often heard  or been taught that the answer to prayer can come in the form of a "stupor of thought." And I do believe this week I am experiencing it for the first time.
I have a very, very big decision I have to make. Without going into detail, it basically goes like this-
Option A- Exciting opportunity, lots of potential, possibly (most likely) be very happy, some risk involved.
Option B- Lose the chance to pursue Option A for a very long time, pursue current path of happiness, hope it stays a happy path knowing very well that it might not, accept my choices and not regret not taking A.
Really it is a decision of giving up Happy Plan A for Happy Plan B. Neither one is a bad option. In fact, both would make me wildly happy to pursue!