Trekking On

The summer is flying by all too quickly for me. Last week was the youth pioneer trek reenactment. We took 61 teenagers out into the mountains and woods and pushed handcarts through the rain, heat, bugs, and mud. Trust me when I say we don't do this for the fun. It's all about the "experience."
It's hard work and it's hard on the body. But it is good for the soul.
I've always loved camping and hiking, so it isn't the worst thing in the world for me. I prepared myself physically by walking nearly 5 miles almost every day for 6 weeks in advance. I never suffered from a lack of stamina. (I was so proud of myself!) And my body held up pretty well. After the fact though, oh my word!, it hurts. The stiffness and soreness of walking 18 miles, and sleeping on the ground under a tarp in the rain does take some recovery. (So sore!!)

"Before" with 3 of my 4 Baby Ducks that went 

After - much stinkier, much dirtier, but still smiling

 About 2 weeks ago I had to make the very tough, very adult decision to not go to Europe with Clog America. If I had gone, I would have left today to fly to Zurich. It is breaking my heart to not be there. And it kills me a little inside each time I see a picture one of them posts from their trip.
It was a tough decision to make. I'm still trying to convince myself it was the right call. I couldn't justify going to Europe for 20 days and spending what money I have, when I don't know how long it will be until I have reliable income again. I'm heartbroken, but what can you do?

Settling into my life in Roanoke has been rough ride. Learning to live with my parents for the first time in 20 years has its ups and downs. Living with sister missionaries again has had its ups and downs. Learning to be someone's child, while also being the YW president, start my own business, write a book, and be the unofficial "third companion" to the missionaries has not been easy for me. Just learning how to balance being myself (an adult woman used to living on her own) and being someone's child has been tough. Juggling so many roles, not one of which I asked for or wanted, has really taken its toll on me.

But I'm happy enough. Things are okay. I could still really use a job, or for my business to come together and take off. Just having a routine and semblance of a normal life would be welcome at this point.

Bear with me. (Bare? Bear? I can never remember.) It's going to be a rocky road before it's a smooth one.

Roller Coaster Emotions

It was a roller coaster of a day - again.
There was good news and there was bad news and then there was more good news. Followed by, you guessed it, more bad news.
It's hard to not feel emotionally unstable when your day is whipped back and forth like that.
Ultimately it was all just news I had to accept and roll with. Nothing I could do about the good or the bad but just take it.
It didn't help that I decided on Saturday afternoon to go off caffeine and sodas. That lasted pretty well for about 48 hours. But somewhere around the third round of bad (and annoying) news, I said to hell with it, and got a Dr Pepper, curly fries, and a big fat Reuben sandwich. So much for my juice cleanse. And let me make it clear, I do not regret my choices. As BFF Juli put it, we should just all be glad I wasn't knocking over a liquor store right about that point.
That many emotions forced on a girl in one day is just not healthy!
There are many great things going on around me (friends getting dream jobs, friends getting married). I am so happy for these blessed events. But it makes the downhill slide of these roller coaster days that much farther to fall. Because on the other end of the ride, unemployment sucks, loneliness sucks, and friends dying really sucks.
Some days it feels like so much is happening around me that I'm forgetting about really huge events. (For instance, a baby being born! There was so much going on that I completely forgot a friend had a baby. And I really was truly happy for my friend and the baby.) I feel like I need to start making lists to remind myself of all the things going on around me so I don't let important things slip by. Because believe me, if I can forget a baby being born, I can forget much bigger things too.
I'm so grateful for my many blessings, and for all the highs on this roller coaster of life right now. It's much harder to be grateful for the lows. And I'm trying to be grateful for the highs that offset the lows. Or at least, I'm trying to see it that way.
But I really wouldn't mind it if there was just a nice long series of highs for a while. That would be very welcome right about now. 

Pretty busy for a girl without a job

It feels like my life is just one big party (and promotion) after the next these days!

This week my dear Mindy Gledhill will be back in town - with her tour bus! 

Next week- I'm stocking up on sleep. 

And then it's the midsingles conference! FINALLY!

We are just a few more people away until we sell out for this conference. It was always my goal to sell out, but I never expected us to sellout this far in advance, and with an increased max capacity (450). Everything is going great, but still, I'll be very happy when it's over. 

But literally the very next day after the conference, it's time to "Meet the Mormons." 

And I'm working with the distributors of the film to host a special showing of the film in the DC area.
I'll sleep when I'm dead. 

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs or Why I Hate the Word Funemployed

I've been thinking a lot about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs lately. Specifically, in relation to creativity and unemployment.
The truth is, I don't recall much about studying Maslow's Hierarchy in school, possibly because I never took any psych classes. (I was a political communications and broadcast journalism major. I can tell you all about Lasswell's theories of communications. I won't tell you how many years it took for me to realize that Maslow and Lasswell were two different things. And yet, you'd be surprised how many similarities they share.) But I digress.
I hate the word "fun-employed." Lest you think this refers to people who love their jobs, it doesn't. It's a completely inaccurate way to describe unemployment. It's far from the truth. There's nothing fun about unemployment.
In fact, most unemployment is a struggle to meet Maslow's first two levels of needs. In theory, most people have that third level. (Except a single person who isn't really physically close to her friends and family would also struggle to meet this level as well.) When all of your resources are going into meeting those first two levels, it's hard, if not nearly impossible at times, to reach those top levels.
And that can be frustrating! How is unemployment ever "fun" when you are fighting and struggling to reach your basic needs? Fun can't be had until you've reached those basic needs. Creativity (which keeps me going) can't be achieved or sustained until all other needs are met. (No wonder I find it so hard to write and be creative during this time where supposedly I have nothing else to do but be creative.)
It's only just now, as I write this, really hitting me why it is so important to me that I take advantage of the opportunities that come my way for fun these days. For instance, the annual trip to Duck Beach next week. On one hand, my guilty side says I shouldn't do it. My time would be better spent at home, job hunting, saving my pennies.
On the other hand, Maslow and I can both see how a week at the beach fills all levels of my needs. Yes, including stability, food, etc. (It's all paid for and provided while I'm there.) For the one week I will have companionship and friends. Each level of the hierarchy will be met for just the one week, and I desperately crave that. And maybe, just maybe, my creativity will return once that has happened.
You may call it "funemployed." I call it meeting my most basic needs.

Gotta Keep Typing

(Just a few recent pics off my phone.)

To put it mildly, life has changed drastically in the last 4 weeks.
I don't mind. I'm really enjoying the changes!

I couldn't find who the artist/sculptor was who did these two sculptures. But they were actually at 2 different museums. I'm assuming they were done by the same artist. Because what are the odds otherwise?

The most bizarre of all the changes is that I've developed (for the second time in my life) callouses on each of my fingertips and a bruise on the bottom of one wrist from so much typing.

I'm working daily for Meridian Magazine again, writing freelance articles, writing for the Motley Fool, building a new website, and when there are few spare minutes in a day, working on writing 2 new books.

About 2 years ago I complained that I was typing, on average, about 20 pages a day. And I'm easily back up to that again now. No wonder I'm getting callouses from all the typing!

(And yet we call this unemployment.) 

I'm Okay With That

Tonight the reality of unemployment is hitting me. I still have a few dollars saved up, but they won't last long. I have a few freelance gigs lined up, but they don't pay nearly enough to cover all my expenses.
My COBRA health insurance information finally arrived (2 days after my plan expired, which is how I found out which day my plan expired). $643 a month???
Um, no thanks.
I guess I will be going with ObamaCare after all. $40 a month, plus a $6000 deductible. Ha.
Well, hopefully I just won't ever get sick, right?
Speaking of which, back in December I had to go off a weight management medication I was on for 3 years in prep for my surgery. I never went back on it because my doctor didn't think it was doing me any good anymore.
Ha. Double ha.
I've gained 15 lbs since December, in spite of going off gluten, corn, and most sugars. (Paleo diet.) Yep. I gained 10 lbs while on the Paleo diet. Go figure. (the other 5 I gained before the diet, which prompted me to go on the diet.)
I think I'll be asking to go back on my medication again!
I just wrote up a to-do list for tomorrow.
37 items on it.
Thankfully 1 of those things actually pays. And 8 more will eventually bring in some passive income.
It's not much, but at least I'm not spending money (except on health insurance) tomorrow. I hope.
I'm sitting in my bed, KayaDog snuggled up by my side, listening to the trampoline sounds and conversations of the upstairs neighbors, forced to play music loudly so I don't have to hear them (b/c my goodness someone up there has a potty mouth), reading a book (just finished "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" and just started "Outliers" in the last hour), and you know what?
Life isn't perfect.
It's far from rosy.
There is far more to be worried and concerned about than I can actually count.
But I'm pretty darn happy.
I have good friends.
I have a great family.
I have a very cute dog with a serious snoring problem.
I have prospects.
I have a good attitude.
I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and I am completely okay with that.

Calm the Child

Last week I had the incredible opportunity to go hear the Dalai Lama speak at the National Cathedral in Washington, DC. For me, this was "bucket list level" cool. I greatly admire the Dalai Lama and his teachings of peace and cooperation.
Speaking of Christians, he said, "To think that you were created by God means that you also have a spark of God within you."
This is, of course, a teaching I know and have heard many times before. We believe we are created in His image, and we are His children.
These last few weeks have been hard. There have been trials, tests, gifts, and experiences I never anticipated, nor am I at liberty to share yet. But never before have those words meant so much to me. "you also have a spark of God within you."
It is when things are at their scariest and toughest that we must turn and remember these things.
And I know I need to remember it more often.

Where is my solace?

Several months ago I applied and interviewed for a job that led to some unusual experiences. Forgive me for keeping a few of the details aloof, but I feel it is best to do so.

I had applied on a whim. There was a chance I was qualified, and a chance that I was not. When they called me in for the interview I was surprised and excited. They told me they had conducted a nationwide search, mostly by word of mouth and networking. They also posted the job on their website, where just one day before the opening closed, I saw it and applied. I was one of very few people who applied blind like that. And I was the only local candidate brought in to interview.
The interview went really, really well. I was shocked how well it went. When I left I told a few of the close friends/family that knew about the interview that basically if I didn't get it, I knew the person who got it must really be better qualified than I was, because interviews just don't get better than that. And I could live with that.
Several people were fasting and praying for me to get that job. It seemed ideal for me. It really did.
A few weeks longer than anticipated I got the call. They explained that I did not get the job. They had decided to hire from within- something that had not anticipated doing. But they wanted me to know how much they liked me, yada yada.
I was devastated, but what can you do? I allowed myself a few days to shake it off, pick myself up, and move on. But like I said, I was very disappointed.
(It wasn't long after that experience that I applied (again on a whim and blindly) to the job I have now.)
Almost 2 months passed when I got a call out of the blue. The president of that organization called me personally. I was so stunned I could barely speak on the phone. He asked if I could come in to his office- the very next day. Having no idea what he could possibly want to talk to me about, I went in.
He related some very unexpected personal experiences to me. He's a religious man and the job was tangentially religious. I would be working with a lot of fellow Mormons had I gotten the job. He told me something that really stuck with me. "He doesn't pray about who the new marketing director will be." Those were his exact words. He prays about personal things, and he prays about important things. But rarely, if ever, in his life has he ever prayed about business matters, let alone employee hires.
He went on to explain that he did not pray about who to hire for the position. He said it was clear to him, and to everyone on the search committee, that I was the best fit. When they went to sit down and make it a formal agreement to offer me the job, I believe he said they went around the table and all agreed to it. But then one person paused, and another. And they asked for more time. He explained that then and there he had a very personal, spiritual witness to hire someone else. Interesting note on that- that other person was also on the search committee and had also voted to hire me. He was as surprised as anyone else when this happened. (I know this because I went on to meet with him later and talk about a few things.)
It wasn't fun or easy to hear that for some reason God passed me over. That people had a spiritual experience that led to not giving me a job. But it did make it somewhat easier to accept that this had happened. (It helped that during the course of this conversation I knew I had a job interview lined up for the very next week. And yes, that was the job I did get.)
It gave me some clarity and closure as to how and why I did not get this ideal job and seemingly perfect situation. It gave me peace in spite of my disappointment.
This week I've had a lot of other disappointments and confusion to sort out in my heart. Things that seemed so obvious, so easy, and even at times spiritually guided did not work out. Something I prayed at great length about many times, and had some very personal spiritual experiences with, came back to break my heart and hurt me in the end. Tonight I prayed and asked why did I have to be led into a situation that would only hurt me in the end? Why couldn't I be spared? I got nothing from it. There was little happiness along the way. I am not a better person for the trial. There was no growth or challenges overcome. So why did I have to do it? Why couldn't I be told no, not to pursue it, somewhere along the way?
I have no answers.
But I do have the memory of the job interview and the knowledge that sometimes spiritual guidance comes when and where you least expect it. You can do everything right, but sometimes, it just isn't going to work out, and it isn't your fault.
That all being said, my poor, repeatedly bruised and broken heart, looks forward to not being hurt or disappointed someday.

Given enough Dr Pepper I could rule the world

A few days ago I decided I needed to revamp my social media consulting portfolio. Many of my past clients were so long ago that the work I did for them is no longer showing online. Time passes, things change, no big deal. And I felt like I was up to a good challenge, and wanted to flex a few marketing muscles. So I offered friends and family some free marketing services.
30 people responded!
That is a lot of work!
But I am up for it! I'm excited for it. I have a wide variety of clients, and it will give me the chance to really experiment, and test different ideas out. I've been working on another e-book about marketing, and I really want to test some of my theories, and a few of these free clients are perfect guinea pigs.
However, I really should have checked with the calender before I took on such a big task! My parents are visiting from the "Magic Kingdom" (our name for the foreign country they live in) for the month, there's a big holiday this week, plus I'm about to go off to girls camp for a week too!
Not exactly a lot of time in there to do consulting work for 30 people on top of my regular daily work that already keeps me plenty busy!
Oops!
Meh. Who needs sleep anyway? Not me! I just need more Dr Pepper!
But today I am mostly just happy because I've decided to go up to DC for the holiday and hang out with friends. I was just in the DC area on Monday, so this will mean a lot of driving for me that I'm not actually up to. But I am desperate and miserable for some social interaction with other singles! It has been rough and lonely in Roanoke lately. (If you couldn't tell from my depressing previous posts.) The drive and gas money will be worth it!
So I am going to bed (way too late tonight) a very happy camper. Lots of work, lots to do, and some of it is even fun stuff for me. I can live with that!
 

The Search for the Unicorn

Lately I’ve felt like my life is one big on-going unicorn hunt.

A relentless search for mythical creatures, hoping they exist. 

My never-ending job hunt feels like a unicorn hunt, and so does my social life.

On the job front, there is evidence all around me that the perfect job is out there. The job that I was made for, and wants me. In my mind that job is a social media marketing position with a large, dynamic, non-profit organization rooted in humanitarian causes, and comes with a salary that would allow me to eat more than ramen, and buy new shoes once a year. 

In my personal and dating life, it isn’t too different. I’m searching for a man about my own age, preferably 35-41. Someone in a very similar place in life- educated, professional, motivated, hard worker. Someone smart and involved in the community, with a well-rounded view of the world. He must be as devoted to Mormonism as I am, family oriented, kind, compassionate, and loving. And someone with an outgoing and adventurous side. And must get and share my pop culture geeky side. And if it isn’t asking too much, I’d like to like his outward appearance too.

Twice recently it felt like I had a unicorn in my hands- a perfect job, a perfect man. But both seemed to have slipped away like the mythical creatures they are. The heartbreak that follows seeing the unicorn and losing it hurts more than never knowing if they existed at all.

And so my search for the unicorn continues. Will I ever find one again? I don’t know. But I hope I do.

Hey You! Check out my new novels, "You Heard It Here First" and the sequel "This Just In!"

It's cloud illusions I recall

Today was just one of those days.
The kind that comes after 3.5 years of unemployment, and the accruing disappointments and setbacks that often pass with nothing more than a shrug, just hit you and knock you out for a while.
All it was was another rejection letter. Yet another company turning me down without really giving me a chance. It was a job I was perfectly qualified for, and really, really fit my personal hopes and needs. I had really hoped something would materialize with this job. But all I got was the standard rejection letter instead.
It was the tipping point.
I've spent the day sad and depressed. There were a lot of tears shed.
It wasn't just about the job that didn't happen. It was everything. Just the accumulation of disappointments over the past few years.
And the lack of control I have over the situation.
This article in the Wall Street Journal describes my situation perfectly, "Some Unemployed Keep Losing Ground."  (I believe the article is behind a paywall. Sorry.)
This is the part that really hit home-
"... there are signs the job market is splitting into two. Close to 25% of the short-term unemployed—those out of work for six months or less—find jobs each month, a figure that has shown steady improvement since the recession, though it remains below its long-term average of 30%.
The nation's 4.4 million long-term unemployed haven't seen similar gains. Only about 10% of them find jobs each month, a number that has hardly budged in the past two years."

"...long-term job seekers are twice as likely to leave the labor market as to find jobs, and many experts worry that many of them will never return to work. That could create a class of permanently unemployed workers and leave lasting scars on the economy.
"Once people reach a point where they no longer consider themselves employable…it is very difficult to pull them back," said Joe Carbone, president of WorkPlace, a Connecticut workforce-development agency that has developed a program targeting the long-term unemployed. "We are losing thousands of people a day. This is like an epidemic.""
I'm starting to wonder, no, strike that, I've worried for a long time, that finding a job is nothing more than a numbers game. It's just playing the odds, a gamble really. It has little to do with actually being qualified for the job. (The job I got rejected from today I was slightly overqualified for.)
But the longer the game goes on, the more the odds work against you.
I've been looking at my friends and former colleagues who are or were long-term unemployed. How did they finally get jobs? Who can I learn from?
And I realized only one friend has found a job. And (she readily admits this) she only got a job after 2 years unemployed because a cousin created a job at his company for her.
I can't think of one other long-term unemployed friend who has found work. Or at least not work in his/her field. Several are like me and have resorted to accepting a life of underemployment in a store or mall, and not in the professional field they were educated in.
It's hard accepting the underemployment. You know it means taking two steps forward and one step back. It's a paycheck, and you need it, but it makes it that much harder to get a "real" job.
I wish companies were not so biased against the long-term unemployed. They are wrong to be so biased, assuming we've lost skills, or there is something wrong with us. We're the survivors. If anything what we have done is more impressive. The underemployed have proven we are hard workers that will get the job done. We'll do what we have to do. We're not going to sit around and waste company resources and collect a paycheck. We're going to work our butts off and make ourselves the most valuable asset the company has so that no matter what, we never see ourselves on the pink slip list again.
If a company really wants to hire the best person for the job, they should look to the long-term unemployed and underemployed. No one else could ever be as grateful for a job as someone who has endured long-term unemployment. You want a long-term, faithful employee? Hire the long-term unemployed, and not the guy just looking to move up the ladder. He just wants a paycheck. Some of us want (and deserve) a lot more.


Hey You! Check out my new novels, "You Heard It Here First" and the sequel "This Just In!"

Malleable

Today a friend told me that she thinks I've been single and independent so long (too long) that I would probably never be able to settle down, partner up, and be happy with another person. The friend that said it knows me somewhat well, but probably not all that well, at the same time. She knows something aspects of my life, but not much about my past, or friends outside of Roanoke.
This is not a new remark. I think most singles hear it a few times after a certain age. And don't get me wrong, I do think that after a certain amount of time living alone and getting set in your ways, it does become harder and harder to integrate your life with another person's.
But the keyword here is "set in your ways."
This may be the thing that has been the most complicated and frustrated aspect of unemployment and aloneness these last few years. I don't have the luxury of getting set in my ways. I live in someone else's house. The dishes are not where I would like them to go. The couch and the TV are not where I would put them either. I have no control over any of the decor. I have little to no control over my future right now. I'm at the mercy of others in far too many ways. I can only wish I was getting set in my ways. I live for that day to come and happen to me again! I want my own place! I want to decide what brand of appliances to buy! I want to have the most important opinion over the dishes!
If anything can actually really be said about my life, especially these last few years, I am most definitely NOT set in my ways.
Now, don't get me wrong, this odd little recluse on the mountain lifestyle has killed my social skills. I crave conversation terribly. And then when I do get a chance to talk to a friend in-person it's like a volcano explosion. I'm Old Faithful, ready to burst at any moment. I get a little too excited and have way too much to say.  And that is a problem I really need to work on.
Set in my ways? Not really, not so much, but I don't blame others for thinking that might be the case. But really, with the punches I've had to roll with in the past few years, I've learned what few things really matter, and what things don't. I become more flexible by the day. If I don't hurry up and get a job soon, I'll become completely porous, unable to hold an opinion of my own!




Hey You! Check out my new novels, "You Heard It Here First" and the sequel "This Just In!"

Cry Uncle! (and buy my books!)

Almost exactly one year after I begged for mercy and declared a personal hiatus from life, I'm doing it again.
No more job hunting- or at least not active and aggressive job hunting. There are a few leads still out there and I will continue to follow through with those. And if a great opportunity finds me, I'll pursue it. But otherwise, my ego, psyche, and broken, jaded, little heart need a break.
This hiatus comes as a huge relief for me and gives me the personal mental freedom I need to make other commitments and move on. There are other opportunities and options around me that I have not taken advantage of because I was always afraid that I might be about to accept a job and move away.
And so it is I cry uncle, and move on in a different direction with my life.
I don't regret this. If anything it comes with a great deal of relief. I'd rather be happy with what I have- or work to be happy with what I have- than always be telling myself I could do better if others would just let me. I prefer to be the one who determines my own happiness!
Just 48 hours into this decision and I've already looked at plane tickets for another humanitarian vacation, made inquiries into musical activities, and joined a dance class for adults. See? Already happier and more active!
And... I've already started to work on a brand new book (as well as continue working on Book 3 in the Haley and Cam series, "Coming Up Next").
Which reminds me! The final section of Book 2, "This Just In," will be ready sometime next week. (The full book will also be sold as one unit starting next week too.) Have you read parts 1-3 yet?
(PS- Does anyone use iTunes/iBooks for buying/downloading books? I haven't had any request that I make my books available that way, but I'm curious if I should.) (Also, if you haven't checked out Smashwords.com yet as a way to find and purchase books, I highly recommend it!)

You Heard It Here First (Book 1)
From the moment girl-next-door Haley McAdams met America's Favorite News Reporter Camden Morrison, her life hasn't been the same. Suddenly she has everything she ever wanted- love, money, and career success. But can she handle the pressures that come with it? One day she's a financial blogger, the next, a TV expert on a political scandal. Her on-air epiphanies and liberated writing style have landed some powerful men in hot water, and there are consequences to pay. Just as her career takes off, so does her love life. But the memories of her past make it hard to accept the good things around her. Is her rich and famous boyfriend the real reason for her new success? Does he really love her? Or does he have an ulterior motive too? Haley is a good girl from a loving family and traditional values, but she knows her way around the world of finance and politics. She may be virtuous, but she is not naïve. And if there is one thing she has learned, it is that the love of money is the root of all evil.

Kindle: $3.99
Paperback: $7.99
Nook: $3.99
Smashwords/iTunes: $3.99 

This Just In! (Book Two, Part One)
Haley Jo McAdams has found the love of her life in Camden Morrison. She's landed her dream job, and fame and fortune are hers for the taking. Her life reads like the perfect modern-day fairy tale. She's never been happier and life has never been better.
But just as the starbursts and fairy dust begin to settle, the fireworks and explosions begin. Long-distance relationships are never easy,  especially when they cross international time zones, and involve the paparazzi.
Just when Haley thinks she has it all figured out, scandals, pirates, and a kidnapping turn her life upside down.
Is her life a fairy tale or a complete nightmare?
Kindle: $1.99
Nook: $1.99

This Just In! (Book 2, Part 2)
When we last left Haley and Cam, Cam had endured and succeeded in a very tense first meeting with Haley's father. The couple had discussed marriage, but Haley began to have doubts.
Big questions are resolved, but as Haley learns, life goes on, and more questions are always asked!
Kindle: $1.99

Nook: $1.99

This Just In! (Book 2, Part 3)
No good deed goes unpunished! For every good thing that happens for Haley and Cam, something worse seems to follow. Cam's reputation and career are on the line. His family's dirty laundry is out for everyone to see. Should Haley defend her man or defend her own reputation?
Kindle: $1.99
Nook: $1.99

I AM HAPPY!

I woke up in a good mood today. I found myself smiling excessively. I was downright jolly at times.
And I couldn't figure out why I was so dang happy. Had I gotten paid? Flirted with a boy? Been given a compliment? Anything? I really couldn't remember what was making me so dang glad to be alive.
And then I realized what it was.

I am working. I have purpose. I have income. I'm needed every day to contribute to something. I have importance. I matter. I am someone. 

I am happy!

This is why the point of welfare needs to be to get people OFF of welfare! This is why we need less handouts, and more work opportunities. People need more than just food on their plates (but yes, they need assistance in the meantime to put food on their plates), they need self worth and independence. They need to earn and provide for themselves- so they can walk around and feel like they matter and so they can be happy!

The stuff dreams are made of

My old living room, before I repainted the wood furniture and added an area rug.

There are days where I miss my old life so much it hurts. I just close my eyes and walk through my old house, room by room, and step by step, and look at everything all over again. I worked so hard to make that house my own and get every detail just right. I miss it so much.
My stuff has been in storage for nearly 18 months now. I never thought it would be so long before I would be reunited with my furniture. Every once in a while I think of a pair of very trendy boots that must have been left in storage. (I can't find them here, which makes no sense, because I don't know why I would have put them in storage.) I only got to wear my cute boots once before putting them in storage. They are so overly trendy that I wonder if they will be completely out of style and ridiculous by the time I get them back someday?
I know I won't be unemployed and living in Roanoke forever. Today I realized that I have very few happy memories of Roanoke. Not because good things haven't happened here, but because ever since I arrived I have been trying to leave. I haven't put down any roots, or made many connections. I'm just always trying to stay uncommitted and free, because you never know when I'll finally get a job and leave again.
Today was a simple and easy day. My shift at the mall got cut at the last minute. So I came home and worked on my Swing State Voter blog, and knitted some hats while watching movies. I know someday I'll have a full-time job again and dream of the day where I can just sit on my bed and watch Netflix and knit for charity all day. I try to enjoy what I have and be grateful for these opportunities.
But it is nice to escape back to my old life in my memories once in a while. It is nice to remember that I was once a respected professional, who published articles in her field, lived in a big pretty house, and had nice things. I even had trendy boots and bought trivial things like matching coasters for my kitchen table. I vaguely recall that girl, but it has been so long since I have seen her she feels like a figment of my imagination now. But it is nice to visit her in my memories on occasion. 

Me Versus the Homeless Lady with 15 Kids

Thursday was the 2 year anniversary of the day I got laid off. Definitely an anniversary I never expected to be marking. Significantly, Thursday was also the first day I got a paycheck in a very, very long time. It is amazing how bringing home money that I earned, even if it is just minimum wage for a holiday job, can feel so good. Being able to support yourself really is important.



Today (Friday) I shared this news clip of a homeless woman with 15 children on Facebook. She was making the news for her antics in demanding that "someone" has to do something to give her money and housing for her children. No father(s) in the picture. She swears the state agencies that intervened (by paying her rent and giving her welfare assistance) messed everything up for her. In all of her (ridiculous) demands, she never once asks for a job, she only asks for handouts. She wants welfare and help, but doesn't want to have to live by the rules the state requires of her. (So she landed in jail.)
This story really hit me hard. First, it just makes me mad that here I am trying so hard to find a job and support myself. I don't qualify for any sort of state or federal assistance, in spite of the fact that for 20 years I've paid taxes. And now that I do have a job, in spite of being underemployed and out of work for so long, I am paying taxes again that go to help this woman. The system is unfair to both me and her.
I am ridiculously happy for someone who only earned $90 this week. I'm exhilarated really! Thrilled! I earned money! I don't have to ask for handouts! I feel sorry for this woman that she doesn't understand the pride and happiness that comes from being able to provide for yourself (and her 15 kids). Having lived with that sub-standard feeling of guilt that comes from being dependent on handouts her whole life (no matter how grateful you are for them, there is this feeling of being a loser and a failure that you have to accept them), her entire sense of self-worth is completely warped. I really do feel sorry for her. (And simultaneously, I'm mad at her that she is abusing the system.)
I've become completely fascinated by the upcoming presidential elections. I'm closely watching to see which candidate has a jobs reform package I feel good about. I'm also looking intently at their Social Security reforms. Each of the candidates has a jobs recovery plan. But to be honest, as I look at them, I don't see how any of those plans will help me. I know that isn't the right way to look at it. Once these new jobs are created (in energy production), new money will be made, more money will be spent, and the cycle eventually leads to all companies having more money and more hiring happening. I just hate knowing that my job is at the end of that growth cycle. (How did I end up in a career considered as "window dressing" to most companies?)
It frightens me really. I don't know when a "real" job will come along. But until then, I get to send a few dollars a week into the system that supports this ridiculous woman.
And don't even get me started on Occupy Wall Streets demands for more handouts.

Every day I'm shufflin'

Earlier today when I first saw this video (thanks Katrina), there were under 1,000 views. As of the moment of this posting there are over 5,000. Something tells me I'm not alone in reposting it!

As you all know, I'm unemployed and very much without any form of income. I've been doing a lot of "affiliate marketing" to try and make a few dollars. (Emphasis on few.) One way I'm doing this is to list a lot of Christmas and Black Friday deals on my Cutting Back website. So far there have been Buy.com daily deals, Better Homes and Gardens Holiday Store offerings,  Starbucks, TempurPedic, and Barnes and Noble deals (and plenty others)! If you are going to do any of your holiday shopping online, check out the deals I have over there. I add about 3 a day. If there is a retailer you would like to get a discount from, let me know who it is, and I'll try and get them added.
If you have a site where you sell something, or you just want more blog traffic, let me know. I'm more than happy to give links to friends (for free. I'm not trying to scam you!). You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, right?
Also, feel free to click on my ads around my different sites. I get almost a whole penny every time someone clicks them! Woo-hoo! Pennies!!
Thank you so much for your support and comments as I whine on and on about my situation. Your kind comments always mean a lot to me.

My first real meltdown

I can't pretend that everything is okay today. In fact, most things are not okay. Most days I can count my blessings and be grateful for all that I do have, when I am so very close to having nothing. I've been unemployed for the better part of 2 years now. Things aren't getting any easier here.
You probably haven't noticed, but I've taken down all references to the Peace Corps off of my blog. I did this mostly out of anger the day I found out that the PC is delaying me again (for close to a year), and that they didn't like me saying on my blog that I am looking for a job (and not holding my breath for them- apparently now they can't trust me to pick them over a job), and just a few hours I got rejected for a job I interviewed for. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Several months ago I made a choice to stop putting myself through the emotional hell of job hunting. I had my unemployment coverage and I was attempting to make money through contract work. I was passively looking for the perfect job, but not actively job-hunting. Since then everything has changed. The PC has delayed me again, my unemployment benefits have run out, and the contract work has slowed considerably. In other words, I have no form on income. And I've been unemployed for 2 years- my savings are depleted.
I am actively job hunting again, but this is a very poor time of year for it. Most people don't leave their jobs right before Christmas, so there aren't many openings. But lots do it just after New Years! And most companies don't do a lot of hiring until after the holidays. I have turned in applications at no less than 12 different stores at the mall in hopes of part-time work. Not to mention, I do have over 40 resumes out there somewhere.
Out of those 52 job applications, I've heard back from 2 companies for interviews (rejected by both a few weeks ago), received the generic "we never reviewed your resume" response from 4 companies, and nothing from the rest. Yesterday, out of desperation, I went in to one of the stores I applied at and found a manager. I told him how I have worked for the same chain before, and I will work any shift he will give me. He was a little stunned at my forwardness, but said even though he has done all of his hiring already, maybe he could hire me too. So "maybe" I'll hear back from him. Or maybe not.
Today I made a stupid mistake that I have to pay for - literally. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal. But when there is no money coming any time soon, this hurts. It is a real problem. And I am kicking myself for it. After realizing this in the middle of a store, I ran to my car and just barely made it there before breaking down into tears. I haven't allowed myself to cry or get too upset over my situation over the last 2 years. But today I just let it out. My first real meltdown. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what else I can do. Is it me? Is it them? Is it everything? What is this and why am I stuck in it?
I cried and moved on. It is all I can do. Crying isn't going to solve my problems or fix my stupid mistake. But the problem is, I don't know what will solve everything. I've tried everything I know to do. I'm so grateful for my trip to Cambodia and all that I saw there. I know that even in my current situation, I still have more than most people there. I'm grateful for my parents who have helped me so much this past year. I live one step away from being homeless right now. If it weren't for my family giving me a free place to live, I don't know what would have happened to me.
I am grateful for what I have. But I need a little space to be angry about what I don't have too.